Really stupid things people have shared with you
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Have you ever had someone, known or stranger, tell you something so outlandish you think they're joking but they're actually very serious? This happened to me lastnight (and several other times). And a few others I've been told...
Lastnight I was walking into a store, not paying attention, and tripped on a crack in the sidewalk. Nothing major, just a little hop. There was a guy walking behind me, in his 40s, dressed in a killer suit, looking like a pretty sharp guy. He asked me if I was ok, and told me he has a tendency to trip on nothing, too. Then he says, "It's too bad they can't do more about the ants." Completely confused I told him, "I'll trip over a lot of things, but an ant probably isn't one of them." He says, "No, no, I meant the cracks. That's how they get there, you know, the ants walk in the line for so many years that they wear out strips of the sidewalk concrete, that's what makes the cracks." I looked at him and waited for some sign that I was supposed to laugh, but it never came, so I played dumb and said, "Oh, I always thought it was from tree roots, or settling, or the contraction/expansion with the seasons." "Oh," he says, "All of that will contribute, but most of the problems come from the ants wearing down the concrete. On the roads too. That's why Missouri roads are so bad, we have too many ants." And he was dead serious.
A few years ago I was at the grocery store trying to pick out a watermelon using the knock-on-it technique. A lady comes up to me and asks, "What're you doing?" I told her that I was trying to find a good watermelon - and she laughed at me. Then she tells me, "You see all these scars all over the watermelon? (pointing to the brown rind areas, the fruit version of stretch marks) "Yeah..." "Well you have to go for the watermelon that has a lot of brown strips like that if you want a good one." (Being a smartass again) - "Why, because that's where all the sugar is, like in a brown banana?" "Oh, no hon, because the bees only go for the really good ones." "I'm sorry - what?" "The bees. The use their stingers to suck out all the watermelon juice, that's what makes these brown spots on the watermelon. So if you find one with a lot of brown, you know a lot of bees drank from it and it's a good one." So again, being an antagonist, I asked her, "But if all the bees already drank from it -- why would I want to be a sucked up, dry watermelon?" She laughed at me again. "Oh, that's what the pollen is for. They collect the pollen in their stinger, and as they suck the juice out they also put the pollen in the watermelon, and that makes it get juicier."
When I worked as a manager, one of my supervisors came to me, pretty panicked, asking if she could leave early. I told her sure, and that I hoped everything was OK, and to let me know if she needed anything. I assumed there was a family emergency or something serious because of the way she was acting/approaching me. She tells me, "Oh, no, it's really not a big deal, I just forgot to take down my hummingbird feeders." We *were* short staffed that day, so I asked her if that was something she needed to take care of now, or something that could wait another hour until she was off. She told me she really had to get home to do it now, she needed to have done it this morning but forgot. Then she tells me, "You see, it's pretty cold out today" (this was one of the first chilly days of late summer/early fall), "and I have to take down my hummingbird feeders so they won't stay at my house. If I keep feeding them they're going to want to stay, and they'll miss the geese." And she says this just like I should know what she's talking about. "What do you mean?" "They'll miss the geese." "I have no idea what you're talking about..." "So they can get a ride. That's why hummingbirds have such long beaks. They use them to clip onto the feathers under the geeses' wings and then ride on the geese south for the winter. There's no way they could fly that far by themselves, they're way too small."
I didn't witness this but my parents did. Per their story, they were standing on a pier over a lake watching the carp swarm the surface for pieces of bread. Several of the carp had scars from rochs, boat props, whatever. A guy came over to them and told them they shouldn't be feeding these carp. My parents asked why, and the guy told them, "They're mutants and we don't want more of 'em. See all those extra gills they're growing?" (as he points to the scars on their backs, heads...)