Have you ever had someone, known or stranger, tell you something so outlandish you think they're joking but they're actually very serious? This happened to me lastnight (and several other times). And a few others I've been told...

Lastnight I was walking into a store, not paying attention, and tripped on a crack in the sidewalk. Nothing major, just a little hop. There was a guy walking behind me, in his 40s, dressed in a killer suit, looking like a pretty sharp guy. He asked me if I was ok, and told me he has a tendency to trip on nothing, too. Then he says, "It's too bad they can't do more about the ants." Completely confused I told him, "I'll trip over a lot of things, but an ant probably isn't one of them." He says, "No, no, I meant the cracks. That's how they get there, you know, the ants walk in the line for so many years that they wear out strips of the sidewalk concrete, that's what makes the cracks." I looked at him and waited for some sign that I was supposed to laugh, but it never came, so I played dumb and said, "Oh, I always thought it was from tree roots, or settling, or the contraction/expansion with the seasons." "Oh," he says, "All of that will contribute, but most of the problems come from the ants wearing down the concrete. On the roads too. That's why Missouri roads are so bad, we have too many ants." And he was dead serious.

A few years ago I was at the grocery store trying to pick out a watermelon using the knock-on-it technique. A lady comes up to me and asks, "What're you doing?" I told her that I was trying to find a good watermelon - and she laughed at me. Then she tells me, "You see all these scars all over the watermelon? (pointing to the brown rind areas, the fruit version of stretch marks) "Yeah..." "Well you have to go for the watermelon that has a lot of brown strips like that if you want a good one." (Being a smartass again) - "Why, because that's where all the sugar is, like in a brown banana?" "Oh, no hon, because the bees only go for the really good ones." "I'm sorry - what?" "The bees. The use their stingers to suck out all the watermelon juice, that's what makes these brown spots on the watermelon. So if you find one with a lot of brown, you know a lot of bees drank from it and it's a good one." So again, being an antagonist, I asked her, "But if all the bees already drank from it -- why would I want to be a sucked up, dry watermelon?" She laughed at me again. "Oh, that's what the pollen is for. They collect the pollen in their stinger, and as they suck the juice out they also put the pollen in the watermelon, and that makes it get juicier."

When I worked as a manager, one of my supervisors came to me, pretty panicked, asking if she could leave early. I told her sure, and that I hoped everything was OK, and to let me know if she needed anything. I assumed there was a family emergency or something serious because of the way she was acting/approaching me. She tells me, "Oh, no, it's really not a big deal, I just forgot to take down my hummingbird feeders." We *were* short staffed that day, so I asked her if that was something she needed to take care of now, or something that could wait another hour until she was off. She told me she really had to get home to do it now, she needed to have done it this morning but forgot. Then she tells me, "You see, it's pretty cold out today" (this was one of the first chilly days of late summer/early fall), "and I have to take down my hummingbird feeders so they won't stay at my house. If I keep feeding them they're going to want to stay, and they'll miss the geese." And she says this just like I should know what she's talking about. "What do you mean?" "They'll miss the geese." "I have no idea what you're talking about..." "So they can get a ride. That's why hummingbirds have such long beaks. They use them to clip onto the feathers under the geeses' wings and then ride on the geese south for the winter. There's no way they could fly that far by themselves, they're way too small."

I didn't witness this but my parents did. Per their story, they were standing on a pier over a lake watching the carp swarm the surface for pieces of bread. Several of the carp had scars from rochs, boat props, whatever. A guy came over to them and told them they shouldn't be feeding these carp. My parents asked why, and the guy told them, "They're mutants and we don't want more of 'em. See all those extra gills they're growing?" (as he points to the scars on their backs, heads...)

And I just had to share my favorite Vin picture with you....

Does anyone have a quarter? I bet it would bounce off those buns!!

Well, I'm not a great story teller, but I had a thing happen to me in Walmart awhile back that I still haven't been able to get over. So here goes:

I am single (was married 20 yrs) 45 yrs old, for those who don't know.

I was in Walmart just spending time one day and I found myself in the lingerie section, just browsing. I travel and spend a lot of time in hotels, so I'm always on the lookout for comfy things I can wear in the evening, but that will still allow me to open the door for room service or any other hotel personnel that might be needed. So, I was browsing through the light cotton gowns (my favorites), but most of the time, they are a bit thin for opening doors to strangers. Of course, I always see the more feminine, frilly things, but I'm in hotel room, alone and just don't feel okay with those either. Then, there are the dorm-shirt type of gown, longer in length, a little heavier fabric and nowadays they have pajama pants with the coordinating T-shirts which I think are cute. They're comfortable and they cover you up enough not to have to wear a robe most of the time. So I'm browsing through the cute little capri length bottoms and checking out the little tops that you can coordinate with them. Minding my own business. Up walks a lady, I'd say at least 50, looked more like 55 or 60. Bleached blonde hair, leathery skin - a bit worse for the wear, it appeared. She seemed to get a little 'close' as I tend to like my '2 ft space'. Courteously, I move onto the next rack. She seems to follow and she opens her mouth. Taking the very article of clothing that I'm actually admiring (the capris and cami top), she says, "Now doesn't that just spell SEX?" very sarcastically, in her very raspy, bawdy, long-time smoker's voice. Myself and another lady in the immediate area look up at her and smile, and just want to mind our own business. Then, she says very loudly and without much reserve, 'If I wore that to bed, my husband would kick me out on the floor!" Me and the other woman just looked at each other, not knowing whether to even respond at all. But, I left knowing and envisioning more than I ever wanted to know about this stranger.

Um.. okay..?? And I needed to know this WHY???

My husband came home from work once with a gross story about one of the guys he works with.

He said the guy went to the bathroom and about 20 min. later came back and told him he thinks he lost 5 pounds and went on to tell him how he weighs himself before and after a BM...GROSS!!! Why would you tell your boss this?!?

O.k. I must admit ..... I am the one that always talks backwards and keep my friends laughing.

One Friday night, my friend and I were at Famous Daves (our almost every Friday night hang out). We were in deep discussion about Hugh Hefner (sp). I was truely amazed at this old fart with all these extremely young women as his girlfriends. I told my friend, "I bet Hugh has to take a lot of Vivarine to keep up with those girls." She smiled at me (knows me tooo well) and said "Well, I am sure keeping awake is not his main problem - but then again older people tend to go to bed earlier than most." I was lost at why she was worried about his sleeping habits when it dawned on me what I had said and I blurted out "oh my god, I mean Viagra!!!" - as the waitress appeared with our food. I think my friend and I bout wet our pants. We are now known as the Viagra girls.

Here is another good one - this one my friend actually shared with my DH and they BOTH still harrass me to this day...... I was talking to my friend (again, friday night outing) about my husband's hunting schedule....he loves to deer hunt. And that weekend I told my friend that my husband was going MULLET HUNTING. She looked at me and just laughed. She said " do you need a special hunting permit for that?"as she was laughing so hard that tears came to her eyes. She continues" Rabbit Season, Duck Season, Mullet Season......" "SHHHHH, be very very quiet, I'm hunting mullets"......needless to say, I will never live that down.

tracy

Great THread... I needed a good laugh.

My mother is a very intelligent lady which makes some of her TIA comments all the more entertaining.

My mother accompanied me on a car shopping trip one day so that I might rely on her wisdom when choosing a vehicle. (I was age 22) The first car that caught my eye was a cute little red number and I could see my mother shaking her head with a "thank Goodness I came along" look at we climbed in for a closer look. She remained cheerful but I could see that if she wasn't able to pop out a lecture on my lack experience in these matters soon, her head was likely to explode. Soooo... I made idle chit chat on all of the "COOL" features while pulling out the CUP HOLDER... My Mom... wanting to "appear" supportive said.... "Oh Look!!!! A CD player!!!"

I ALMOST didn't want to tell her it was a cup holder...LOLOLOL.

Yoda, you have some funny stories. Still laughing!!!

Well, I always thought the "New Mexico isn't US" were urban myths, I mean, how could someone not know the geography of their own country???? But no, people don't have the slightest grasp of gradeschool stuff....

A woman my sister worked with wanted to know if someone else was going to drive to Hawaii from Washington state....

She also told my sister that her mother had a "genital heart condition." She was oh so very offended when my sister started laughing.

When I was in exhile in Idaho, the young woman at the beauty college wanted to know if my husband told me to major in Business. Like my husband would ever tell me to do anything...

Um.. okay..?? And I needed to know this WHY???

I visited my parents this weekend and took my mom shopping on Saturday. I had on a cami with a tie-front cardigan over it, and jeans. I pulled up a completely different tie front cardigan that was downright ugly, and showed it to my mom who was about 10 ft away. She grimaced, and I said, "That's not really cute, is it..." This lady who was between us looked up at me and says, "Yeah hon, that is cute! I was thinking I'd get it!" (She's completely serious, and must have really misheard me). Then she walks WAY up to me, and I mean UP to me, like there's maybe a foot between us, and she grabs my cardigan and peels it back like she's trying to see what's behind door #3 and says, "Oh, you have one on like it, I always wondered what people wore under these things, what is that you have on under there? Is that a bathing suit?"

She moved quicker than my reflexes, so by the time I told her to get away from me all of this had already happened and my mother is hysterical -- she knows 1) I'd rather strangers just leave me alone, 2) smelly people piss me off, and she was smelly and 3) really, just don't touch me, ok?

Um.. okay..?? And I needed to know this WHY???

1) I'd rather strangers just leave me alone, 2) smelly people piss me off, and she was smelly and 3) really, just don't touch me, ok?

LOL, people are strange creatures.. for sure.. funny..

I have one on my sister in law. She is NOT the sharpest knife in the drawer..that is for sure.

Anyways, a couple winters ago she came over to my house and my husband and daughter had left that morning to go ice fishing. Well my SIL is standing in my kitchen looking out the window to the back yard and she gets this smirk on her face so I say "What?" She says where did your husband go? I said, " he went ice fishing" and she gets this look on her face like oh really. So I ask her why. She says are you sure he went fishing....I am like, Yes he went fishing. She says what if that is just what he told you he was doing and he is really somewhere else. I looked at her and said what are you getting at. I shit you not she takes another look out the window and points to the boat in the back yard and says with a smirk like she caught him....well if he is fishing how come he left his boat. I started laughing so hard I almost wet myself. She says what?

I said Sue(that is her name)...he went ice fishing what the hell is he going to use the boat for. Needless so say it kind of blew hew "He's cheating on you therory"

We still give her crap about it.

Oh teenagers... this happened today.

I was reviewing a group of Seniors for their final. They were talking among themselves and not listening. I stated my famous, "if I am talking and you are talking it means someone is not listening... and I don't have to listen to you" line. Then told them that they needed to pay attention that they would be handed a final and they needed to pass.

Then one Senior goes, "Miss we are Seniors...we don't know how to pay attention." So I quit the review and handed them their final.

Poodles, that is SO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!

I gotta say, I feel bad for the ones that WERE being quiet who got stuck with the final 'cuz of the loud ones (I was one of the quiet ones in school).

So this one I just remembered... My fiance and my sister and I were watching something on TV. I don't have any idea what it was, but it had some kind of magical dog in it, it might have even been a commercial. So my sister says as a joke "I wonder what magical dogs eat", and my fiance, without missing a beat says "Oh, they eat flowers", and my sister says "REALLY?!?!" We probably could have had her going for 5 or 10 minutes, but we didn't' think fast enough because we both started laughing hysterically.

It was funny (though not as funny as some of the other ones posted...)

Marimaru, here's a joke for your sister. Next time you see her, point up at the sky and yell out, "Wow, look at that dead bird!"

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some of those stories are doozies!!

The most common stuff I get:

Are you going to eat that?

Are you going to wear that?

I did work with a girl who claimed that eggshells were man-made packages for eggs. She appeared to be serious...

???