Today Is My Seminar/husband Still Not Supportive

[knknosmom 4]

Tonight is finally my Seminar, I am excited to finally begin my journey to get the lapband. My husband still isnt on board. I am planning on bringing him with me tonight, hoping that it will help teach him about it and hopefully make him see it will be ok. He told my mother in law about it, she is against it also so now I have 2 of them ganging up on me. They think its unnecessary and dangerous. They have never been 265 pounds, So they dont know how necessary it really is! He tried playing the "I will tell our daughter that I told you not to have the surgery done" card on me, when he was trying to talk me out of having it done. For some reason he seems to think I am going to die during surgery. He keeps going back and forth over coming with me tonight, like if he doesnt come, I wont go or something. It is very discouraging not having his support. Have any of you had this problem with your spouse? Did they change their tune and end up being supportive? What should I expect at the seminar tonight? They say it lasts 2 hours. Thanks!

[sHeLLaBee 130]

One of the most important things you need through all of this is positive support. It is unfortunate that the one person that should have your back, does not.

=( Would he rather explain to your daughter why mommy can't go on a ride with her because she doesn't fit? ...or why mommy died of a heart attack or complications of diabetes because she didn't do everything in her power to lose the weight? As long as you did your research and are using a reputable surgeon, the risks are very minimal compared to the risks of obesity. Also, it has been proven that kids who grow up with obese parent(s) have a much larger chance of becoming obese themselves. Is your husband overweight? You really need to do this 100% for yourself and your daughter, but having your family support you will make things a lot easier.

[jen_1381 446]

My husband thought at first that it was un-necessary, that I should just try dieting again and see if that made me feel better. He's never said a negative word about my weight (I started at 243 lbs) and didn't understand why I would resort to surgery.

I sat him down one night and (calmly) explained that I only have one chance at life, and I do not enjoy it being obese. I had tried diets in the past and failed, and failure is my least favorite thing in the world. I explained that I'm just not comfortable in my skin, and I asked him to give me a chance. I asked him to have an open mind and let me make an informed decision. I went to the seminar alone (he was at work) and came home and laid it all out for him. I told him that I had decided to have the procedure, and while I would really appreciate his support, this was a decision I made for myself.

The closer I got through surgery and moved through all of my pre-op appointments, the more interested he got. I shared everything with him, knowing inside that I couldn't let his opinion influence me.

This surgery was something I had to do for myself. I didn't want to get skinny for my husband, family, friends, etc. I did this for me, and I just had to keep that attitude until my husband got on board.

Fast forward to present day, we set goals together. He's also started eating healthier and has lost about 8 lbs. We go walking together a few nights a week. I told him that when I get to my goal, we'll go skydiving (something we've both wanted to do for a long time). He promised me a new wardrobe.

My best advice would be to try to calmly and honestly tell him your feelings. Explain why you want this surgery. If he won't be on board, then try to acknowledge his feelings but not let them deter you.

[DELETE THIS ACCOUNT! 12,703]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

I have to say straight up: Threatening to tell your daughter that is complete crap. I can't believe a grown man, let alone a father, would actually drag a child into an adult dispute just to gain leverage over his wife. He should be ashamed of himself for even considering it let alone threatening it.

I am glad he's at least going with you tonight. It sounds like both him and his mother are judging based on pure ignorance, so hopefully he will learn something tonight and realize this is a good thing for you not a band thing.

Stick to your guns and do what is best for you regardless of him and mother think. This is one of those rare moments in life you have to put yourself first.

Best wishes to you.

[Toddy 758]

It's one thing to not be supportive of your CHOICE, but the tell your child???? WTH is he thinking???? What an unbelievable thing for an adult(?) to threaten to do. I'd have the surgery; I'd lose the weight; I'd be looking at my options! Sorry to be so harsh, but I see a lot of domestic "situations" in my line of work and it absolutely kills me what some parents will do to their children!

[neener1970 39]

It's life changing. My husband was scared too. Right before surgery he tried to get me to walk out. He went to the seminar and everything but he was scared but once I had the surgery and the weight started coming off he was right there with me happy I did it. He was never unsupportive but he said he would rather have me fat than dead. The fat will kill you anyway, it's just slower ....If he loves you he will get on board, maybe it will take living through the surgery to get him there but he will. If not maybe he is that person that would hold you back because of their own insecurities and you may find your new life will need to extend to marriage to. It does happen. But bettering yourself should not be thrown away because someone else is insecure. Not loving ourselves is part of how we got here, learning to is how we find our way out good luck hun.

[☠carolinagirl☠ 18,722]

Tonight is finally my Seminar, I am excited to finally begin my journey to get the lapband. My husband still isnt on board. I am planning on bringing him with me tonight, hoping that it will help teach him about it and hopefully make him see it will be ok. He told my mother in law about it, she is against it also so now I have 2 of them ganging up on me. They think its unnecessary and dangerous. They have never been 265 pounds, So they dont know how necessary it really is! He tried playing the "I will tell our daughter that I told you not to have the surgery done" card on me, when he was trying to talk me out of having it done. For some reason he seems to think I am going to die during surgery. He keeps going back and forth over coming with me tonight, like if he doesnt come, I wont go or something. It is very discouraging not having his support. Have any of you had this problem with your spouse? Did they change their tune and end up being supportive? What should I expect at the seminar tonight? They say it lasts 2 hours. Thanks!

can he go with you to the seminar to see what it is all about?

you can talk to a wall and its opinion wont change.

you have to decide to do this for you. i am sorry

you are struggling with your MIL and hub. it sounds

to me like they are misinformed and uninformed and scared.

so what happens when an animal is cornered or scared?

they attack.

this is what they are doing.

i would go to this seminar and get the process started.

make yourself well. if you need support, use this forum.

we will support you.

[suzbuni 32]

I didn't tell my mom at first for same reason. I waited til I was almost done with ore- op stuff my sister told her I was think of it. She had GAstric BYPass and my mom kept trying to talk her out of it. In the end she was there holding my sister's hand on surgery day, and three months later holding mine too. Actually seeing how well and what a change my sister went thru turned my mom around and she was on board and even told me she was proud of me for doing it. She just gave me $300 dollars to go buy new clothes! So hopefully if he comes and see others and doctor may help him adjust. With my mom- it was just the idea of me having surgery. She freaks about any surgery. Just scared for me. That's all.

[NWgirl 574]

I think anyone is scared of the idea of elective surgery without really knowing what it entails. My honey was pseudo supportive to start but I could tell there was some definite hesitance when we talked about it. Come to find out, it wasn't that he didn't think I needed it (in the 8 years we've been together, he's seen me yo-yo with diet after diet), that he didn't think I could be successful, or that WLS was too drastic, but rather it was the idea that if something went wrong in that surgery room, I could die (unlikely- I would much rather be at the hospital experiencing some kind of life threatening emergency than anywhere else!).

After finding this out, we sat down and watched youtube videos of the surgery and went over the whole process. After seeing how really non-invasive the procedure is and knowing that it was an outpatient procedure, he was definitely more on board with the idea. I guess it's really more of a comfort thing for our loved ones, as bad things can happen in OR rooms and they don't want to lose us.

I have read of many partners who seem to dislike the idea, but it all came down to their own worries, which can also include the after surgery portion and them wondering if you get thin, will you leave them?

Have an open and honest conversation with your husband and ask why he's not behind this. Maybe he hasn't really figured it out yet either and he needs you to be pointed and direct about what could happen if you DON'T get the surgery and remain at an unhealthy weight.

[jen_1381 446]

Men are interesting creatures. Instead of showing worry or concern like most women tend to, they disguise it as anger, hesitation, or flat out rudeness. My husband was not the nicest person in the world when his mother was sick (she died from lung cancer 3 years ago) but I knew it was because his stress and emotions were at an all-time high. I literally had to sit him down and tell him that I know he's upset and asked him to please re-direct his energy because I'm upset too, and his attitude was not helping either of us.

Maybe try leveling with him? Tell him if you're scared, concerned, excited, hopeful, etc. Maybe hearing aloud that you're having some feelings, he could relate.

[Shoshanna 98]

It's nice to have familial support for one's life changing decisions, but it is not necessary. As Carolina Girl said, we'll support you via this forum. Good luck.

[goingfoit 125]

Wow i'm shocked that he would bring your child into this situation. It definitley shows his maturity level or lack thereof. I would simply explain to him the reasons your doing this and let him know that it's YOUR decision to make. You would like his support and understanding during this time since it's a big decision. As adults we may not "agree" with the decisions that our husbands or wives make however if he loves you he will put his own insecurities aside to be there for you. this is a life altering decision not only for you but for the family as well. you may want to find out the underline reasons why he is so against it. He may feel if you guys have connected through food, cooking together, eating together etc. that is a part of the relationship he will not be able to enjoy with you anymore. He maybe afraid of what will happen to the marriage once you've lost the weight. he has to worry about other men looking at you, commenting on how great you look etc. He may not be honest about what the "REAL" reasons he's not supporting you. Change is difficult and uncomfortable for most, the unseen and not knowing how that is going to change how you feel. You may decide he's not the one for you once you feel more confident in your new skin.

best of luck to you

[OldMomOf3 52]

This might be TMI here, but...

I wasn't sure my husband would support me, but when I brought up the issue, and told him I wanted the surgery because my weight was inhibiting my ability to enjoy sex, he was listening. When I told him I really wanted to jump on top of him naked and make love in broad daylight and feel great about it like we did as newlyweds, he warmed up to the idea....quickly. No, it wasn't because he wanted me to look different, it was because he wanted me to feel great about being naked with him and making love more freely. Now, just 28 pounds lighter and 2 months post surgery, I enjoy sex much more and it makes him enjoy it more too because he knows I feel better about myself already (and the 28 lbs barely shows, I just feel better in my mind).

Of course there were other reasons as well - reasons why we both ended up seeing the surgery as a good idea for me, and he was amazingly supportive once he got his mind around it. Nevertheless, if sex has been a challenge for you, as it can be for so many of use when we don't like our bodies, maybe that is something you can bring up with him because it will improve his quality of life too.

[neener1970 39]

Mom of 3 you are so right that's one if the first things that improves lol !

[Maddysgram 6,159]

You have to do what is best for you.

Like some have said here, we are here to support you.