Ok...I lurked a bit...so I guess I should introduce myself...a newbie

[DeLarla 22]

Awe, I'm sorry Diane. Vines is right, sometimes my brand of tough love comes off rather harsh, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

For the records, somebody from this board actually contacted me to point out your thread because they figured I might have some strong words. To know me is to love me

But still, can you serve those bean sprouts tonight?

[lotsofkids 0]

thanks for jumping in.....((((Hugs))))

and don't worry about tough love from Decarla.....I welcome all opinions.....I am pretty tough to have survived a controling man for all these years. Now I am finally just trying to support ME.

the fish dinner sounds great for me...but there would be a major uproar from all those hungry Men! I'd have to leave them the dinner with a note....and put myself somewhere else! I'd come back and probably find...no one ate it...they order pizza and sovled their dinner dilemma! LOL

Delarla......I Love to meet and be around strong women like yourself......it is just that if you are not walking in the same type shoes....it is hard to realize how difficult it is to change the routines and habits of others!

It'll take time...but I'm up for the challenge.

(I need to step out for a bit...but I'll check back later)

hugs all, diane : )

[PhotoNut 7]

the fish dinner sounds great for me...but there would be a major uproar from all those hungry Men! I'd have to leave them the dinner with a note....and put myself somewhere else! I'd come back and probably find...no one ate it...they order pizza and sovled their dinner dilemma! LOL

She's going to be alright.. she still has a sense of humor. *chuckles*

And you know.. it might be good for them to solve their own dinner dilemmas! *scratches out 'might be' and replaces it with 'would'*

[lotsofkids 0]

thanks Susan ....and hey how are you feeling...only being banded a month ago?

~when life throws you lemons.....throw 'em back~

[dawg 0]

I have to say, if anyone made the "American Idol" joke to me, I'd have probably served that person for supper, with a nice bottle of chianti.

FfFfFfFfFf

Of course one of the major problems with fat jokes, is that we the obese, tend to be the biggest creators and users of this humor. As a result people see it as somehow acceptable.

[DeLarla 22]

"Once this becomes the norm for almost 2 1/2 decades.....then how do you put things in reverse without major resentment."

Why should you care about their resentment towards you, when you've been swallowing resentment for 25 years? I feel for you, and I totally understand where you're coming from. I've spoiled my husband (though to a much lesser degree) and now he's a pain, so every so often I'm forced to "go on strike." I hate going on strike because my house gets really dirty, but it's the only way to take control of my household. Instead of washing piled up dishes, I'll go to a movie by myself as my husband looks at me as if I've lost my mind. Soon enough, he gets tired of the dirty house and cleans the entire thing.

You're so concerned with upsetting your family, while they upset you every day. Stop laughing with them and show them that you are a strong, remarkable roll person, not a door mat.

Like I said, start slow. Try one thing at a time. Maybe after dinner excuse yourself and get a pedicure. Tell your family how hard it is for you to be surrounded by all that food, and ask them to do the dinner dishes while you train yourself to stop grazing on leftovers. Tell them you want to change your habits, so while they do the dishes you can take a walk (to the pedicure shop, hey, it's a walk!)

[PhotoNut 7]

thanks Susan ....and hey how are you feeling...only being banded a month ago?

~when life throws you lemons.....throw 'em back~

I feel.. 20 pounds lighter! *laughs*

Seriously, thank you for asking. I'm feeling great. Better each day. Im in the soft foods phase and having a hard time eating enough because Im too full! I'm excited about my progress. Thankful to have a supportive man at my side who has also lost 33 pounds since we started this adventure together - me with the band, him without. *smacks DeLarla's hand* You can't have him! heh

I'm loving the friends and support I've gotten here at LBT. And I finally have some real hope of getting this weight off and keeping it off.

Say, it just occurred to me. You might not qualify for the band in the US. You have to be 100 pounds overweight, with a BMI of 45 or higher, or a lower BMI with two or more comorbidities, such as sleep apnea and diabetes. Hm.. have you asked your doc about this in the meetings?

[the best me 6]

Okay Diane, I am forced to weigh in on your situation because 1)you like to hear the opinions of others and have solicited them here...handing out your situation with enough detail that we have a clear picture of the dynamics (in other words...you asked for it) and 2)I am a stay-at-home Mom of 2 and totally support, encourage, understand, relate to, blah blah blah the "traditional" role of Mom in the family. So, here are my opinions.

~In my eyes, you are "doing" all the right things a Mom "does", but it isn't holding the place of Honor it should in your family. This starts with Dad. You are correct that he sets the tone. In that sense, you role is actually NOT very traditional. If it were, you would be content in your heart and held up and admired and feel entrusted and empowered and respected and revered. What YOU are doing is traditional. How it is esteemed by your husband is NOT. You, my dear, are in a pickle, for sure.

~I take issue with your statement that your family is exceptional and you are not, you are the "normal" one. Girl, you are exceptional. I see a well-written woman of conviction with a wonderful sense of humor. You have a special gift for intuitiveness. You understand what is happening, how things "are" with the family dynamics. You are adaptive, hard-working, patient, tenacious, and to have done this for so long...full of perseverence. You are more exceptional than most of us, that I can see. So, quit beating yourself up and see you for who you are...an exceptional woman. It's TRUE!!!

~

Whew...and now I have to go and don't have time to finish. I haven't even gotten to the weight part yet!! Let me just say that my weight was something I needed to take hold of before I was in a position to take care of the other issues. Like growing a child, it's a daily chore to deal with the heart issues. And I like the plant analogy, your weight may be the weeds that need to be yanked before you can get to the soil of your self-esteem and more personal issues. For me, my weight is a symptom. I'm thinking this may be true for you as well. And I'm still learning about me, but I'm able to grow as the weight comes off...just as I suspected. Hang in there...I'm keeping an eye on you!!!

Great advice all...love the fish dinner and rice cakes idea, DeLarla. LOL

[lotsofkids 0]

I have a bmi of 35 ....wt 229 ht/5' 7" and the apnea...and some Water retention around my heart (peri-cardial effusion) from the cronic apnea.

Because it is the Cleveland clinic.....they do a lot of prescreening and preliminary insurance contact before they even schedule you for a dr's appointment...so I think I will be ok....but all will be clear on the 2/13 appointment.

and thanks Dawg...for the support!

smiles....(I really do need to run errands..but being here is more fun)

diane

[lotsofkids 0]

I'd like to think all my husband's achievements....and my boys high achievements have been facilitated by extreme support and unselfishness on my end (whether they realize that or not)

You know the old adage...."behind every successful man is an exhausted woman"

anyhow....I must take myself seriously....and work on my health...before it becomes worse! Yikes.

thanks for all the support.....it need constant reminding like this....to keep me focused until I can eventually get them on board (I hope) The getting to the band surgery part is going to be like pulling teeth with my physician husband. But I figure it is better than the surgery for apnea...which is probably in my future if this wieght doesn't go down!

smiles....diane

[ralheit 1]

I was excited to see your post and that we were both in the Cleveland area. I am scheduled to be banded on March 7th at St. Vincent Charity. I've been waiting almost a year and I'm really ready.

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I am so lucky, my husband and son are so supportive of my decision to go through with this. But, from my previous marriage, I would have had to go through the same thing. My only advice is to know that you are special and that you deserve this. I think your husband is afraid that if you feel to good about yourself, maybe you won't be as subserviant to him. I know for many years, I only believed that my self worth was based on my husband and what he thought of me. I've finally learned different and I know that I am worthy of the best I can give myself. You are too. Best of luck and God Bless.

[lotsofkids 0]

Glad to meet with you! I would love to follow your progress and hey...maybe we can really encourage each other....as I hope my surgery will be in the next couple of months.....after insurance and all appts go through. where are you situated....I am in Fairlawn....1/2 between Cleveland and Akron.

thanks for the encouragement!

hugs to ya....diane ; )

[ralheit 1]

I'm in Elyria, 25 miles west of Cleveland. Close enough. I'm new to the site also and just signed on yesterday. I would love to keep in touch. Good luck, I really hope everything goes well for you.

Always here to help and support. :clap2:

Oh, and by the way, my name is Robin.

[3loves 0]

Hi Diane....I am new here too as I just joined last month. Luckily, my husband and I are both going for the band together. We have 2 toddlers so we have to do it in shifts to keep things up & running. I am also a stay-at-home-mom however, I am very strong-willed and feel the same anger as DeLara when I read about the challenges you face. You have come to the right place for support.

My husband of 6.5 yrs made a couple of "fat" comments to me during our engagement (of course, my overweight family laughed and thought it was funny), but later I told him straight up that it hurt my feelings and I would not tolerate that from him.

There have been times in our marriage that he didn't get the message...regardless of the topic....for whatever reason. The best way I discovered to resolve the situation, was to change what I was doing and not try to change him. For me, that meant helping him understand my position by feeling it first hand. I'm not suggesting that you throw put-downs at your family.

Perhaps you can have a heart-to heart and let them know it's not funny anymore and never was. Let them know you will not tolerate it any longer. From what you have described, you have a beautiful, successful family and you are a HUGE reason it is that way!!! Don't ever sell yourself short b/c you kids would not be who they are today without you...plain and simple!!!

It's easy to "say what should be done and how, but it's another thing to be walking in those shoes. I can understand that you need to take little steps to reach your goal, but one thing I'm sure of is that your husband and children do love you and will support you if you make it important to them. Kind of like the way mom & dad go to the kids' ball games & such. Your family will feel so proud of you, so take the bull by the horns!! You can do this and this is the perfect place to start your journey. I wish you all the best and hope you continue to find strength and comfort here.....GOD BLESS!!

[joy32 0]

When people say something mean or insulting to someone and then say (or act like) it was just a joke, that is their way of relieving themselves of the guilt of insulting that person. In their mind they know they mean it, but if you take offense, it is your problem -- since they said it was a joke! Don't let your husband or children do this to you. It not only affects you, but even more it sets a stage for how your sons will treat their wives. Stop this abuse now for your future daughter-in-laws sake if not your own.