To tell (or not) when dating...

youknowit · January 5, 2006

Hi all. I have a small problem. I'm in a relatively new "dating" relationship (with someone I've known for about a year), and I'm starting to freak out. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the idea of telling (or not) about my band. This is a person who I really care about, and who I have known for a while, but I haven't told anyone about my band (except one friend who is a long, long ways away in miles; not even my family knows). My "boyfriend" for lack of a better term, saw my scars the other day, and he made mention of it... I said, I'd tell him about it another time. He knows that I was really sick about two months ago, so he said something like "that must be from your illness" and I just let it go.

So, ladies and gents, what would you do/have done in this situation? What should I do? I'm scared, and I'm starting to feel really weird about this... I'm starting to think I'm nuts or something.

Thanks for your help in advance! -- angie

gadgetlady · January 5, 2006

I'm a huge believer in honesty in relationships. If you want a long-term relationship with this person, eventually he's gonna know. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't supportive? If he isn't the type to be supportive over something like this, isn't it better to know now, before you're too deeply involved? Just my $0.02.

Iluvharleys · January 5, 2006

I think it depends on how the relationship is going. If this relationship is getting serious, then by all means you should let him know. If you are just starting to date and aren't sure, then I would wait a while. If the subject of the scars gets brought up again, then it would be a good opportunity to tell him.

MeganA · January 5, 2006

I tell everyone so maybe I'm not the best person to answer this...but I also have dated quite a bit since being banded and this is what I do.

I tell them after a few dates...but I don't make a big deal out of it. I most likely just bring it up when it's part of a conversation about health or diet...and I have found that the less of a big deal I make, the less of a big deal it is.

Good luck!

Megan

NJChick · January 5, 2006

I wouldn't tell him unless you are going to spend alot of time with him.

Your answer to him was perfect... some other time

thelovely1 · January 6, 2006

I truely do not think that you need to tell him yet.. What you did was perfect.. you really said nothing.. he did.

bubblesstina · January 6, 2006

i'm guessing that if he saw your scars you are more than just casual dating....

I would tell him about it the next time he "sees" your scars. Just let him know how much it means to you that he is concerned about your health and that you appreciate his support. Or just keep those scars covered untill the wedding night and tell him then..

youknowit · January 6, 2006

Thanks to everyone for the advice. This actually wasn't a "sexual" situation when he saw them, we were dancing, and my shirt slipped up a bit. Yikes! I think I did the best I could with that particular situation, letting it slide, and he didn't pry, but like a few of you said, it will probably come up again. I believe that honesty is the best policy and all, but I don't think I should throw it out there up front. I am also in a bind, because I didn't tell anyone about my band, and he's a "someone" who I've known as a friend for year or so, and didn't tell him about it when we were in "friend" territory. I'm starting to feel like I'm in a bad episode of 90210 or Friends. Ah!

Anyways, I think I'll just see how this goes, and if/when (and it's a most likely WHEN) it does come up, I will tell then. Or, like was mentioned, I'll say something when that kind of conversation (health, diet, etc) comes up.

Elisa -- you too are also right, do I want to spend a lot of time on someone who won't be supportive? No, I don't... I think I'm having a crisis of confidence with all my friends and family (which I'm sure is just a reflection of my own confidence in my decision to get the band... self-analyzing mode, ah!)...

I will tell when the time is right, and if things don't work out for some reason before then, well, the whole thing wasn't meant to be then.

Thanks again everybody for you help and advice. I appreciate it and will take all of it to bed with me for thought tonight.

angie

CCBSTX · January 6, 2006

Angie, how you handled it was perfect. It was your decision to have the band and it's still your decision who to tell. I don't see any harm in telling him later, when the subject comes up. Whenever it is, do it when you feel comfortable and state as a matter-of-fact.

youknowit · January 6, 2006

Thanks again! I appreciate the heads up... I agree, it's my decision, and it's my body. Have a super day!

SweetnSassy · January 11, 2006

I totally sympathize with your situation! I've dated a few men since being banded and every time I start dating someone new I feel the same uneasiness about how to "disclose" my surgery. I've come to realize that the way I approach it depends a lot on how the relationship is going, how the guy has reacted to other things I've told him, and how open he is about his own life and past.

I have been pleasantly surprised by the reactions I've received from the men I've dated. The majority of them have been very supportive and understanding. In fact only one guy was negative about it and didn't understand why I wanted/needed to have it done. We had dated before the surgery and he didn't think that I was overweight enough to get it done. One out of five isn't too bad, though. Ironically enough he had a sister who ended up getting it done as well - secretly, I think he was jealous because he could have used it too...

Actually, I've found it really relieving when the guy I'm dating knows about it because when we go to dinner or go somewhere where there is food they are able to help draw attention away from the fact that I don't eat a lot, and they understand a lot more why I don't eat all the food that the restaurant serves. Along those lines, I think its key to help them understand exactly how it does affect your eating habits. One guy I dated thought it meant I only ate one meal a day - when we would hang out for the day he wouldn't stop for anything to eat and it was uncomfortable to help him readjust his thinking. It would have been better if I'd explained it better in the beginning. Other guys have thought that it meant that I wouldn't be able to have children, even though the main reason I had it done was because I WANTED to have children.

I totally agree with Megan, when you do tell them it is better to be matter-of-fact about it. If you don't make it a big deal, they won't. They will mirror your own reaction. Don't act embarrassed or ashamed, but be confident, happy, and strong about your decision. If you are positive he will be too. Allow him the opportunity to ask questions, and when you respond keep it light and positive.

I'll soon be doing the same thing with the guy I'm currently dating. So you'll have to let me know how it goes, and I'll keep you posted as well! :-)

giveyouthemoon · January 11, 2006

So I'm a firm "no tell" kind of girl. Only a few people in my life know. So I've been dating this guy for about two months. Things are definitely serious. To his credit, when he saw the scars, he said nothing. But I did end up telling him later. Mainly I wanted him to know since we often eat together and I figured he should know if I get that teary eyed "stuck" thing going. I got "stuck" on our first date and whooo boy was that hard to manage.

He was really cool about it and hasn't really brought it up since. He thinks it is a good thing if I think it's a good thing.

So I say if you trust this person and you want them in your life, it's probably okay to tell him. But also tell him this is a BIG DEAL to keep quiet so no blabbing to his family and friends.

It just depends on how much you trust this man and how much you think he'll be a part of your life. Only you can decide.

Also...it's your choice if you NEVER want to tell him. It's your body, your choice. I think you'll know when the timing is right. The fact you are thinking about it so much tells me the "right time" is probably soon.

youknowit · January 15, 2006

Karen,

Thanks for the advice... I've decided not to tell him for now. It hasn't come up again, and I hope it stays that way for now. I, like you, haven't told many people (in fact, only one), so I'd like to keep it that way. I'm a very private person about many things, and my health/body is one of them. Always have been, so I don't see how this would change me in that regard. Anyways, thanks for your advice and thoughts.