Feeling discouraged

[blissa033 0]

I am so fortunate to have people in my life who support my decision to get the band and have been nothing but encouraging and supportive. However, there are a few people who have really surprised me by their reactions to my weight loss thus far (24 pounds), my commitment to make healthier decisions, and not wanting to play the role of the "fat friend" anymore.

I was talking to a friend of mine today who has been dieting and watching her weight. She started dieting around the same time I had surgery. Obviously, I've lost weight faster than she has because I just had surgery 3 weeks ago and I've been following the post-op diet. While she claims to be happy for me, I can tell that she feels threatened or is weirded out by my success. Today, I was telling her about my Pasta story and how I just can't tolerate it--and some of the foods bandsters have difficulty tolerating. I wasn't complaining about it--just sort of telling her. She replied, "Well, maybe you can just get the band taken out?" Maybe she didn't mean anything by this but it sort of hurt my feelings. I'm only 3 weeks post-op and someone is suggesting I should just have the band removed?! At another point in the conversation, she said again "You could try normal dieting and get the band removed." This person is someone who is very close to me. It just sort of hurts that instead of encouraging me to keep going and what not, she's implying that I should have surgery to remove the band when I'm obviously experiencing success with it.

Prior to getting the band, I didn't always engage in healthy behaviors. I drank a lot and I could drink many of my guy friends under the table. My weekends would frequently involve getting drunk and eating horrible food (pizza, Chinese, etc.) after hitting up the bars. I'm not engaging in that behavior anymore and it seems to bother some of my friends. No longer will I be "the partner in crime" to get drunk with and eat terrible food. I'm making healthy decisions, which I think sort of forces them to look at their own behavior and consider if it's healthy. Unfortunately, as a result of the surgery, I've lost quite a few friends. I met many of my friends at bars and clubs--now it feels like we don't have much in common.

Obviously I realize this is just a component of adjusting to an entirely new lifestyle. It just makes me sad.:-(

[Pamalamadingdong 0]

There was a similar post a few weeks ago. Basically those we think our are friends turn out not to be in situations like this. Its like we each have one role in our group and once we try and change out of what that roll should be we just don't "fit" with that person/group anymore.

My BFF of 30 years is being a nasty bitch about this, I've actually stopped talking to her. She talked me out of this surgery twice before, but not this time. She emailed me today and said "So skinny bitch how much weight have you lost now?" I didn't answer her. That was the first email I've gotten from her in 2 weeks. I know it is because she is jealous she's we weight the same, or we did, and she is 6 inches shorter than I am, she is not happy with herself, and she doesn't have the support or the will to help her self. But I'm not going to let her take me down with her.

All that said, you are going to have friendship dynamics change because of this, sadly you may actually lose friends, but you will gain new ones. Some people just can't handle the change from fat friend to healthy friend.

[nomorejellybelly 77]

Keep doing what you're doing. You made the choice that was right for you. I have only told family, a few people at church and two people I trust at work (my boss, who said he'd take my secret to his grave and the nurse at my office, who has to keep it confidential). I just didn't want people that I work with know about my getting the band. The problem is now that everyone's noticed I'm losing weight, they're asking what I'm doing. I tell them I had to make changes because my dr. said so and that I had to change how I eat. I also talk about exercising. As far as I know, nobody suspects anything.

Good luck to you, blissa033.

[NYYnNYGFAN 0]

You are my twin in life! I have always been the party girl...until the past 4 years since my father has been sick and I turned into his caregiver. During that time...I gained alot more weight and that's when I started to feel horrible. My weight never stopped me in life...always popular, good looking boyfriends, confident. Until my dad passed away in Feb 2010...I realized that the extra weight has been preventing me from enjoying life as I had. My husband was initially nervous that I was going to drop a ton of weight and leave him but now he's OK with everything. I only told close family members and a few of my very BFF who I see often. I figured the friends who I only see occassionally will assume I'm dieting & told them I joined a gym. (I'm doing fills very conservatively...don't want sagging skin!!)

My best friend joined Weight Watchers when I had my surgery. I want to drop 120-150 lbs and she only has 50-70 lbs. to lose so the band isn't for her. I noticed that she wants to end our gym time early all the time or has an errand to run so we don't go. We used to talk daily and now it may be 1-2 times a week. I still love to cook for my family which she always joined but now she finds any excuse not to come. We NEVER talk about how much weight I lost. I'm sad because I'm losing a friend who was initially sooo supportive...she even took me to the hospital!

Hope our true friends will come around and appreciate the healthier you.

[nurseAMY11 0]

I have a jealous best friend who occasionally makes comments. Unfortunately she was the only one I told about the surgery because I thought she would be happy for me. She is supportive on the outside, but I can tell that she has some feelings that she doesn't really want me to succeed. The two of us were always chunky kids together, and up until recently we were always the same size. I think we both had comfort in knowing that the other one was in the same boat. Since I've lost weight, she's gotten more serious about dieting and we work out together sometimes. I can't say that I wouldn't have the same jealous feelings if our situations were reversed, but I have made the best decision for me and she needs to make the right decisions for her. The last thing we need is negativity, so if people aren't supportive they can pound sand!

[Tzipi 0]

I am so fortunate to have people in my life who support my decision to get the band and have been nothing but encouraging and supportive. However, there are a few people who have really surprised me by their reactions to my weight loss thus far (24 pounds), my commitment to make healthier decisions, and not wanting to play the role of the "fat friend" anymore.

I was talking to a friend of mine today who has been dieting and watching her weight. She started dieting around the same time I had surgery. Obviously, I've lost weight faster than she has because I just had surgery 3 weeks ago and I've been following the post-op diet. While she claims to be happy for me, I can tell that she feels threatened or is weirded out by my success. Today, I was telling her about my Pasta story and how I just can't tolerate it--and some of the foods bandsters have difficulty tolerating. I wasn't complaining about it--just sort of telling her. She replied, "Well, maybe you can just get the band taken out?" Maybe she didn't mean anything by this but it sort of hurt my feelings. I'm only 3 weeks post-op and someone is suggesting I should just have the band removed?! At another point in the conversation, she said again "You could try normal dieting and get the band removed." This person is someone who is very close to me. It just sort of hurts that instead of encouraging me to keep going and what not, she's implying that I should have surgery to remove the band when I'm obviously experiencing success with it.

Prior to getting the band, I didn't always engage in healthy behaviors. I drank a lot and I could drink many of my guy friends under the table. My weekends would frequently involve getting drunk and eating horrible food (pizza, Chinese, etc.) after hitting up the bars. I'm not engaging in that behavior anymore and it seems to bother some of my friends. No longer will I be "the partner in crime" to get drunk with and eat terrible food. I'm making healthy decisions, which I think sort of forces them to look at their own behavior and consider if it's healthy. Unfortunately, as a result of the surgery, I've lost quite a few friends. I met many of my friends at bars and clubs--now it feels like we don't have much in common.

Obviously I realize this is just a component of adjusting to an entirely new lifestyle. It just makes me sad.:-(

[Tzipi 0]

Dear Discouraged,

In a way, I know how you feel. I used to be the "fun" one. The one all the skinny people like to be with to make themselves feel better. Now I'm not as much fun - I'm more serious about life. As you mentioned, there are a lot of foods that I can't eat due to the band. I stopped going to relatives weddings and functions, since I can't eat much there. Some people are annoyed with me. So far I've lost 25 pounds, but obviously need to lose a lot more. When these people will see me during the summer in a new bathing suit, maybe they'll be more supportive.

These "friends" of yours might not be true friends. You need to go places where people are in the same "boat" as you. Weight Watchers meetings would probably be a good start to meet new people who share your new interest. I'm going to be rejoining WW as soon as I get back from my vacation.

Hopefully, the "new you" will make you feel better.

Best regards,

Tzipi

[HeatherinCA 10]

I haven't really had any trouble. If anything people are just curious, so I try to explain it the best I can. (none of my friends really super overweight) Your friend that said "why don't you diet on your own" I tell em I've done that, and I can lose 50 pounds, I can't lose 150 on my own, I need help.

Is she just jealous? Or she can't financially do it or something? You could have a talk with her, say this is important to me, and your my best friend, I want your support. I'm doing this for me yada yada yada... Nothing should really change! I do the same things with my friends I did before surgery, we still go out to dinner or clubbing or whatever. I just don't eat as much.