BJean

Hope you can get some help for yourself, your kids and your husband. You've got a tough row to hoe, but with the right help, you can do it and if you love him and he loves you, I'll bet your lives can be better than ever once he faces his addiction and overcomes it. Best of luck to you with your weight loss. Losing weight is energizing!

Never heard of the vinegar cure. Anybody else ever used it?

Yeah baby, much better than a Brazilian wax job!! :omg:

Reminds me of the time in Norfolk, VA, when I was at a bakery picking up my son's birthday cake... a woman stormed in and demanded to be waited on because she was running late. Seems she was in some way affiliated with a church that was having an event for an outgoing priest. The clerk was a little rattled by the interloper's behavior. I said I didn't mind waiting so the clerk excused herself and went to the back to check on the church lady's cake. She was gone longer than it should have taken and when she came back, she sheepishly said that she was very sorry but the cake wasn't ready yet. The church lady exploded. She ranted and raved and screamed and hollered, ending with the statement that they would never get the church's business again. The baker in the back room heard all the fuss, came from the back and stepped up to the counter. He said, "Mrs. Blake, I am sorry that you are running behind, but the cake was not promised until 11 AM and it is only 10 AM now. Could you please come back in about 20 minutes and I'll have it ready for you." Well no, that wasn't good enough for the church lady. As soon as the baker returned to the kitchen, she started reaming the clerk's arse again. I couldn't stand it anymore. I stepped between her pointed finger and the clerk and told her that she was being very rude and that she should not take her frustration out on the clerk and that she should calm down. Oh boy! She threw up both her hands and looked at me and screamed, "This is none of your business and you need to butt out!!" I stared her straight in the eye and said, "Lady, you are very, very ugly. If I were the owner, I would throw you out of my store." That did shut her up. She stormed out saying that she'd be back in 20 minutes. I picked up my cake from the shaking clerk and went on my way. The next time I went in the bakery about a week later, the clerk yelled into the back room and the baker and 2 other people came out. She told them, "This is the lady that took up for me when Mrs. Blake was here!" They all 4 gave me a round of applause and big thank yous. It was a very rewarding experience. My cake that day was on the house. :whoo:

dynofan: Wow, sounds like you have your act together! That's fabulous. I think Bitteroldwoman has a marvelous sense of humor and is doing her danged level best to get at least a chuckle out of the things that can drag her down every day. When you stop being able to laugh about sh$t that happens is when you need drugs. Btw, Prozac is for the birds. I'd rather have a drug that doesn't keep me from achieving a "happy ending" if you know what I mean. :heh:

lizrbit: I don't have any idea if you are in my area or not. If you would like to share your website or other information, I have been looking for someone who I could learn from. Please PM me if you are. Thanks!

lizrbit: You make me so ashamed! I love to do watercolor. I had a very small measure of success, especially compared to you. But instead of pursuing it and following my heart, I gave up because it was so difficult. I have no excuses. I admire your accomplishments very much!

Nana- Sounds like you have a very sweet daughter. I see that you're scheduled for surgery on Tuesday. All the best to you for a uneventful surgery and speedy recovery!

cat: Marriage can be better than just what you're reading here. When things are great, there's no need to find a thread like this to ask for advice or just blow off steam. Having someone care about you 24/7 is probably the way nature intended. But that is not to say that everyone is well-suited for marriage. Or even that marriage is the best way to have someone to share your life with. I've never lived with a man without benefit of marriage so I have no idea if that kind of relationship is better or worse than the commitment of marriage. Again, I imagine it all falls on the mindset of the people involved. You can focus on the voices of the people who have unsuccessful marriages or you can seek out the ones who have successful marriages. That's up to you, of course. But as grim as it may look here, there are probably just as many people who are glad they are married.

Meadowlark Lemmon??!! I haven't heard that name in 30 years! I remember he was cute and had a great smile and style. He came into the local Safeway one day in the little town in Arizona where we lived. My son was with me and Meadowlark was just wonderful to him. We had tickets to go see them the next night in the local school gym. I used to love the Globetrotters! "Sweet Georgia Brown" was their theme song. In my little hometown in Oklahoma, the very first basketball team similar to the Globetrotters was started by a local. They were the Harlem Magicians. He eventually had a large house ouside of town with a basketball court in the basement. That isn't such a big deal today, but it sure was back then!

These are great posts!!! When I turned 60 I spent the day catatonic. I have never quite recovered. I do not think of myself as being overweight, unattractive and old. But alas, I am all three. I realized this last year when I went to my first theraputic Water aerobics class. All the women were older, had knees replaced or hip replacements and were overweight. I was seriously embarrassed to be so arthritic that I had to attend a class with old ladies. When I was removing my shoes on the bench that first day I heard the ladies talking. One was complaining about being tired of people mistaking her husband (15 years her junior) for her son. I nervously giggled and said, "Well, you're not old. How old are you?" To which she replied, "Fifty-seven." Gasp. Shudder. Faint. I eventually learned that all but one of the 10 women in the class were younger than I!!!!! So with that knowledge I had to come to the realization that I was they, or they were me, or whatever! Sob!! What a bruising reality check. I do feel quite fortunate that since hair is not one of my finer assets, I have not experienced the dreaded nose hair debacle. Nor am I bald in the pubic region... I guess. Well, how the hell do you know that?? I'd have to do some serious investigating and I'm sure I don't want to know anyway. My older sister told me that the most depressing sign of aging was when you start sprouting grey pubes. So I'm too scared to look. Aging sure ain't for sissies. I heard the other day that dear old Lady Bird Johnson just went to sleep and was gone. Now that's a class act. Outlive your DH, continue to have a good life and one day just silently fade into the sunset. Tres chic. My fear is to be very ill for a period of time and have to depend upon the goodness of others for my every need. We all know how good others are, don't we! Unfortunately when you are old and infirm, you are very unattractive to the younger folk and consequently they would really prefer it if they could just give you some Jones spiked Kool-aid. Frankly if I am unable to have any kind of respectable quality of life, I'd gladly drink the damn stuff! Many times things happen too fast for us to make a decision like that. Once we're totally dependent, they don't let us decide anything!! Baastaards! Well, let's keep dancing... break out the booze and have a ball... while we still can!

You're right of course, we should have bought the pastries and been discreet and just not eaten them. We were young and not very well traveled at that point. I have dined al fresco in Mexico, but just not in such crude surroundings, as the prof''s little restaurant. It's interesting how different most genuine Mexican food is from the Tex-Mex I grew up on. There is much more emphasis on fresh vegetables and fish than all the ground beef and gloppy melted cheese in Tex-Mex food. The tour was a once in a lifetime experience. We actually went into a couple of small villages where they were having a celebration with all the beautiful costumes and colorful decorations everywhere and the great local bands. We were advised not to take photographs of naked children. They were everywhere, but the government passed a law against tourists photographing the poor naked children in the streets. That was in the 1970s. The cattle ranches and farms we saw were pretty crude too. Much like you'd envision early Texas or Oklahoma ranches. Mexico is such a beautiful country.

Nana: Really sorry about your Mom and her diseases. My grandmother had Alzheimers and it is scary when you've witnessed it up close and personal. Practically everyone in my immediate family had or has late onset diabetes. That was a major reason for me getting the band too. I appreciate your thoughts about me getting some counseling. I have no doubt that if I found a good one, it would be very helpful. I would really like to get off the Wellbutrin but the couple of times that I tried to gradually get off of it, the old really bad depression started settling back over me like a dark cloud. Jachut and WasaBubble: I have the very same feelings about my posts sounding harsh. I really do not mean them to be harsh and I don't think I know everything although I'm pretty sure some people believe that I think I do. I love to participate here because I learn so much! And writing is therapy of a sort. I just wish I didn't sound so snotty. :phanvan I have had eye surgery and it is creepy!! Mine was for an artificial tear duct. It doesn't work worth a hoot, but it is better than having no tear duct at all. People think I'm very emotional but it's just my eye tearing up. It's gotten to the point where I don't even realize sometimes that I'm crying. And you're so right, eye juice is yukee. :omg: That condition you have Jachut must be really awful and it makes my problem not seem so bad afterall!

Nana-That's the kind of man I married. One who I could depend on completely. He can also depend on me. So we have a great relationship and a great marriage. Sometimes the heat could be turned up a notch but I'd trade my guy for Brad Pitt anyday of the week. And believe me, Brad Pitt oozes heat as far as I'm concerned!!

Well, here goes. I never thought I'd admit this to anyone and I'll bet I probably shouldn't be posting it now. But it's what is always lurking in the back of my mind... Both my mother and my sister and a friend of mine all lost quite a bit of weight in the year before they got breast cancer and they subsequently all died. There, I've said it. I guess I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I am somewhat afraid to lose more weight. It is completely ridiculous, I know that!! Don't scold me, I can't help having this irrational thought about a relationship between rapid weight loss and breast cancer. :cry

zannie: There is more than one reason that a guy cheats. But most of them all begin and end with him. I can't be as sure as someone else here who posted that you've done nothing wrong. We only know what you have told us. But I would imagine that it is a problem within your husband. You mentioned clinical depression. If he is clinically depressed, you can be sure that his self-esteem is in the basement. Having a woman (any woman, skinny, fat, ugly, pretty) pay attention to him and tell him what a great and wonderful guy he is, may be just what he needs to get him through the day. The point is, it is a problem that he is having that has much more to do with him and his head than it does with some other woman "luring" him away. My BIL had an affair after 34 years of complete fidelity to my sister. He had just had a heart attack and was thinking he was going to die without ever having had very much excitement or fun. (They got married just out of college and they were both virgins when they got married.) Well, my sister was totally blindsided. She had no idea that he ever thought about anyone else as he appeared to be totally devoted to both her and their kids, as well as to their marriage vows. All it took was a gal from his high school reunion committee flirting with him at a time when he was so vulnerable and scared after the heart attack, for him to go completely berserk and have a hot and heavy romance with her and demand a divorce. My sister was so hurt that she decided that she didn't want anybody who didn't want her and by gosh she was going to take him for every penny and leave him in the dust. Which she did. Only to decide a few very, very lonely months later that she was very sorry that she reacted in a rash way instead of thinking of her real needs and figuring out how to save her marriage. After she said so many ugly things and did so much to hurt him back, her marriage was never going to be saved or repaired. That was over 10 years ago and she is still very sad and still misses her "best friend" to this day. Her kids, of course, took her side and now they have very little interaction with their father either. That's hardly fair to them since they are missing out on having the male parental love in their lives that they once enjoyed so much. I'm not condoning his behavior. I am just saying that people are easily damaged but the damage can be healed and you actually can have what one person earlier said... a better relationship than ever because you are really communicating and sharing everything with each other after working through something like that. I guess I'm suggesting that you just not make life-changing decisions when the pain is so fresh. Please just remember that your husband is having a major crisis in his life and it could be that he needs you, and your support, more than ever. Kat gave excellent advice when she said that you need to be strong for yourself. Look out for yourself. Get help for yourself. Once you are healthy and strong enough, then maybe you'll be able to help your husband through whatever crisis and upheaval he's feeling inside.

Mike: I saw your first post on the thread and could identify with part of it. Now it has me wondering. The only reflux side effect that I have is that I cough and even cough up a little slimey stuff. Is that considered reflux? Or do you know? I don't have that burning back-wash kind of reflux though that I used to have with the hiatal hernia, pre-band. I am worried that I have stretched my pouch. I have been banded almost a year and I have had quite a number of fills (probably 12 or so) from my very conservative doctor. I have the smaller band and currently have 3 mil of fill. It seems that I'm either so restricted that I am ravenous and PB'ing often, or I feel like I have practically no restriction and I'm hungry all the time and I can eat anything. I've heard about the "sweet spot" and I'm wondering if somehow I've missed it when I may have had it. I'm also concerned that I've overextended my pouch and will eventually cause slippage. So many unknowns to this whole affair! Any more specific description of how you got to the point where you knew you had stretched the pouch and if your symptoms of reflux were like mine or the acidy kind, would sure be appreciated. Thanks! :phanvan

Well said, Kat. There are definitely times when there is a shift to 80-20 or 60-40, depending upon your partner's needs in times of crises. That's one of the most important rewards of a marriage - having someone there to catch you and lift you up when you've been kicked by a person, a death or an event. The 50-50 times are when it's all smooth sailing! I do think that you're right about trying to understand what's really going on with your spouse when they don't respond or they hide from intimacy. It is very easy to assume that it is for some reason or other and probably 9 times out of 10, it is something altogether different that is causing the space between both of you. We think that it is because of our weight or whatever we come up with to blame it on and often it is something just within our spouse that is troubling them. We should learn to spend as much time understanding and supporting our husbands as we do our children or friends. We don't mean to take them for granted, but it is hard not to.

We CAN do it Michelle. We have to refocus. We need to be having fun and doing something we enjoy that doesn't include food. Now letsee... what in the world can that be????

I am sure that mindless eating, not checking the nutritional or calorie stats of packaged foods, helped get me to the point of needing the band. When I first had the band, I always checked the calorie count of anything I was about to eat. If it was less than 200 calories or a little more than 200 cals, I would consider it for a meal. If it was less than 100 calories, I would consider it for a snack. I was eating something about 5 times a day. My dietician kept insisting that I not eat between meals and just eat 3 meals a day. That, believe it or not, was the beginning of a problem for me. I think if I would go back to eating more frequently and having more low calorie grazing type meals, I would be better off. I was never a grazer before the band. I imagine that most obese people are ones who eat more than 3 meals a day. I managed to get way too many calories in by just having those 3 meals. When I ate more frequently (albeit low cal foods) I didn't get as hungry and I didn't expect a big meal, ever. I think at this point I'm going to go back to what I was doing that caused me to successfully lose 40 lbs. I believe that the most important factor with or without the band is that we tailor any eating plan to what works for us as individuals. What the h - e - double L is tzatziki?? And raita? Those don't sound like foodstuffs to me. Now let's do a chorus of Oklahoma!

I don't know Mexico that well. Don't know of the Copper Canyon. I know of the Copper Mine in Bisbee, AZ, but that's extent of my copper knoweldge. We were treated well once when we were in Alcapulco. We decided to take an "Ecology Tour". It was organized and conducted by a former professor from Berkley, CA. He had retired, moved to Mexico and married a young, lovely native Mexican lass. He bought a small, quaint, very rustic hotel and restaurant in Alcapulco. We went on his ecology tour (although we were staying at a different hotel) and learned all about the native cattle ranches and farms way out from town. One stop we made was very hospitable. We drove up in our open air safari type vehicle and noticed a Mexican woman flipping a white fabric up and down over something which was covered in something black. The closer we got, the more the realization of what she was doing sank in. She had baked some kind of pastries to demonstrate how she used an outdoor oven (her only stove). We were expected to buy a pastry while we were there watching her son scale a 40 ft. palm tree, with no tools and in his bare feet. Amazing! Back to the pastries. She had placed the cooked pastries on a large wooden plank and had her cloth over them, lifting it up and down TO MOVE A BLACK CLOUD OF FLIES off of them. The DH and I, both weak stomached, moved quickly back to the safari jeep and pretended like we had something to check on there. Other tourists in the group, very politely, bought pastries and ate them. Aaarrgh. Just couldn't do it. But I've made a short story long again... the professor included dinner at his restaurant in the price of the tour. He was a lovely little man and when we returned to his hotel, his wife was just as hospitable and sweet as he. We did tour his hotel and saw his al fresco dining tables, but again we weren't able to handle the idea of actually eating there. He sensed how uncomfortable we were and he cut us loose in a very considerate way without making us feel embarrassed. I've always wished we had spent the evening visiting with them in his restaurant. I wound up getting Montezumas several years later at the race track in Juarez. It was such a beautiful, clean, relatively new facility that I figured there was no way I could get into trouble. Ah, how youth is wasted on the young.

Had a good friend with a flat butt. Otherwise she was a striking beauty, but she always wanted a more curvy bottom. She worked with a trainer and he got her using a stair stepper and sure enough, she developed a bubble butt.

When I was verrry young, I worked as a Deputy Clerk of Courts. My job was to file all cases and the pleadings that attorneys added to a case that they had before the courts. Did other stuff too but my main job was to help the attorneys at the counter. It was absolutely the best (but lowest paying) job that I ever had. Very much fun getting to know all the law clerks, attorneys, judges, etc. I was the youngest and cutest female working the counter at the time. (105 lbs. soaking wet and very physically fit) One day a couple of law clerks and a secretary and I were having lunch at a downtown hot dog eatery. The tables and chairs were school desk ones where the chair and table are one unit. Next to me was Grady Coronnet, a very old, wheezie, crusty attorney who I knew from the court house. He was your typical dirty old man. (His tie always had breakfast and/or lunch stains on it and we sometimes joked that he could make soup if he soaked it in a little boiling water.) But I digress... he turned to me as I was having my little hot dog and coke, and said, "Would you like to see a picture of me when I was a little boy?" Of course I couldn't have cared less about it, but I was young and naive and said I would. He got his wallet out and flipped it open to the plastic sleeves containing photos. He handed it to me with a photo of a little boy who had a a humongous dong, and in fact so humongous it was dragging the ground. Eeeeeeekkkkk!!!!! :eek: I nearly choked on my hot dog, threw the wallet into his face and ran out the door. I always refused to wait on the old codger after that but for some reason I always felt sorry for the old coot. Go figure!!

Hooray for your manager! :clap2:

Actually it's my FIL who has the used car lots. If you were to buy a used car from my DH, he would probably practically give it to you. He is so fair, it is almost to a fault. He doesn't even press the envelope with our Income Taxes, like most people do. Gotta love that man! I just hate when I have to learn how to use all the new gadgets on a car or DVD or video equipment. We have a TV/DVD that I avoid like the plague. If I can just go turn it on, I'm happy. But if the kids have been up there and hooked up a DVD for the granddaughter, I'm out of luck. And that's where my recumbant bike is. Sorry excuse for a way to avoid exercise, huh? I had a friend years ago when the Lincoln Navigator first came out, and she got a beautiful new one. It was all computerized and had so many things to learn I would have seriously gotten rid of it if it were me. You had to punch the button twice for this, three times for that and punch and pause and punch, etc., until I would have had the screaming meemies! I remember how much it costs in Oklahoma to register and tag your cars. It's crazy! I suppose it's still that way? It's higher than anywhere we ever lived. Although Virginia takes the cake for inspections and stickers and all that. Florida doesn't seem to care whether your car belches black smoke or has a major crack in the windshield. Arizona is pickier than Florida. Texas is somewhere inbetween. Doesn't matter where you live though, it's all a colossal pain in the tookus! I have a car that I love dearly. I had been driving SUV's for years - the bigger the better. Although my friend who drives a RAV and loves it, derided me for driving such gas hogs. My motto (and reasoning) was always, when they take the pickups and semi's off the highways, I'll drive a smaller car. Until then having a big vehicle gave me the best chance of surviving if I got in a tangle with a truck or semi tractor-trailer. But in 2002 I got the chance to own a new Lexus and I still have it. It took a little while to get used to having the big vehicles tower over me. But it is such a fast and easy to handle car, I feel safer than in the SUV, believe it or not. Now the DH has suggested I get something new, but I've said that unless and until he's ready to buy me the top of the line Lexus or BMW, I'm not giving up my Lexus. There are many reasons why it is considered the best car (for the money) around. I had a Mercedes once and hated it. Oh it purred on the highway, but around town it wasn't comfortable and wasn't particularly great maneuvering and just in no way compared to the Lexus. I've heard BMW owners make similar claims, but I've never owned one. Maybe the Mini Cooper? They say those little babies are a blast to drive. I saw a Cooper convertible the other day and it was awesome. My niece just bought one and she's in hog heaven. Works in OKC and lives and commutes to Tulsa. All things considered, I think you've made a really good choice with the RAV. It's got the luxury, the gasoline economy and safety that a person needs. And they're good looking. I didn't know that the systems were somewhat complicated, but once you get them all down pat, I'm sure you're going to be good to go for another long stretch. There's nothing like a new car! Congrats for selling your old one. What about the Caddy?