JazzyMom17

Finally free is how I feel. I had surgery June 17th, 2009. Today, I am happy and I am free. Free from the feeling of "why am I a success at every part of my life but a complete failure at weightloss" "why can't I break this addiction". Now--I am in the pictures of my latest family vacation--not hiding behind the camera. My profile picture on Facebook is a picture of me--not my beautiful little girl. Any regrets??? Absolutely not. Good luck to you and remember that only you can know what is best for you to do. I'm sure everyone means well--but ultimately you will be the one to have to make the decision FOR YOU not for anyone else. It ISN'T the right thing for everyone...but if it's right for you--go for it and don't look back.

Well, a few days ago I celebrated my 6 month Bandiversary. It feels kindof bitter-sweet to me. I am SOO not where I wanted to be by this time, but I am trying not to be discouraged and trying to be happy with my accomplishments so far. From that point until today I have lost 25 pounds. Right at about a pound a week. I can't say that I didn't try--there were periods where I tried really hard--but then there were long stretches where I didn't try at all. The good part is that in a typical 6 months of that kind of motivation and attitude I would have prob'ly gained 10 lost 5. Weight going up and down on the scale, but mostly up.

A year ago--looking into 2009--I had NOOO idea that I would have the band "installed". I was relying on my willpower and motivation to accomplish the 2009 New Year's Resolutions. Writing those things down (which I ALWAYS do--not just about weight) seemed somehow defeating and like pipe dreams.

Looking back, I know I made the right decision to get the band. The weight-loss has been ALOT slower than I thought it would be...but it has BEEN happening--even without the motivation and the drive being there. It really IS coming off. And that has never happened before.

I really struggle with getting myself motivated to diet since having the band. I struggle with following the band rules and with making the right choices. I struggle to set an appointment with my band DR. because I had set a goal to lose 10 pounds by the next appointment for a fill and I'm not there yet.

I can tell a big difference in how I look when I stand up--especially around my ribs/waist area. But, when I sit down!! It's almost worse than before somehow--like a Bean Bag with rolls!! I don't know if it's extra skin or if it is just something I've never noticed before--but I've seen it TWICE in the last two weeks and been floored by how bad it looked! I got my hair done last night and of course there is a full-length mirror--floor to ceiling and I'm sitting there crossing my legs explaining to the size -2 hairdresser what I want my hair to end up looking like and all I can see is ROLLS!!! AAAGGHH!! So, I made some new resolutions sitting there. To use this band to fullest.

The band is another tool in my arsenol. It is my safety net more than anything else. I really havn't got alot of the benefit of not being hungry between meals---but remember I havn't been using it as directed most of the time. I still drink with my meals (a big no-no) and eat mushy foods--which go down way too easy. But where I notice it helping me the most is when I don't give a crap about diet and I want to eat a big meal--NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!

I just got a fill today. My fourth one. I should have had one alot earlier than this, but I got H1N1 in October--cancelled my appointment. Got Broncitis and Sinus Infections (2) in November/December...just getting off my huge horse-pill antibiotics 3 rounds of that. I didn't want to get a fill for fear that those wouldn't go down.

So--4th fill today. I know, I know. It's December 22nd. 2 days liquid...2 days mushies--regular food Saturday the 26th. I've got Christmas Eve dinner with the family on the 24th. Saturday--breakfast with the inlaws. And then going to Illinois to visit my family for two weeks. It isn't going to be easy. I thought about waiting until I got back to get the fill. But then I thought about it and realized that this is exactly WHY I got the band in the first place---to make a big difference when I need it. I NEED MY SAFETY NET the next two weeks!!!!

Something that has been bothering me is the fact that my husband and I have been wanting to have a baby. Our goal was to start trying (again) in January. Of course, that was when I thought I would be down to 150 by January. I'm 189 right now. My blood pressure is down but not down to where I would feel comfortable being pregnant. I'm not worried about ANYTHING to do with the band or gaining too much weight or not being able to lose the weight or even not being down to where I wanted to be. I know that this is a tool for life and it may take me a long time to get there, but getting there is the goal not how long it takes. But, I AM worried about feeling like crap while I'm pregnant. I remember last time when I was pregnant, my blood pressure got to be 204/98 towards the end. I felt AWEFUL and miserable. And I weighed 202 at the 40 week point. I'm so scared of feeling that bad or worse with this one!

Another thing that has me worried, is that my lap-band DR has "free" fills for the first year. Nothing is charged for those visits. I don't know what happens after a year, if that can be charged to insurance or not--or if that is out of pocket per fill. I really want to take advantage of that window of time while I have it!

So---I kindof feel like maybe we should wait until March to start trying. I could take now until January 6th when I get back from Illinois to sit down and map out a strategy that would get me to the place where I would be comfortable and excited about getting pregnant. To get motivated about losing weight and implementing healthy positive lifestyle changes--not just letting the band lose weight for me.

You'll be glad that you told her! Every time I have to get a fill I have to think of some kind of excuse to be gone. )

YOU LOOK GREAT, BG!!!!!! WOW!!!

Oh, I am so sorry!! Your poem is beautiful. My heart hurts for your friend and for you. May God be near to you during this sad, dark time.

Good luck with your new job!! Hope you don't do lap-band insurance fraud!!!!!!!!! :smile2:) Ha ha ha!

YES!! I had that, and it turned out to be a partially collapsed lung---the most common cause of post-surgery fever. Get to your doctor so you can make sure it's not an embolism (clot in your lung) and rule out pneumonia. They told me it is fairly common.

Ok...the month of August is almost over. I go in for my next fill on the 31st. I'm not sure if they will give it to me as I still am having some vomitting issues, and having a hard time eating some proteins.

The scale has been CRUEL this month--NOT one solid pound of weight loss so far--and I am really fighting discouragment right now. So...I'm going to focus on the positives.

Non-Scale Victories in AUGUST!!!!

1) I have been extremely consistent with excercising first thing in the morning ALL MONTH long. I've been hitting the gym between 5:00 and 5:30 and getting at least an hour to an hour and a half each morning. Only missed a few days. I've been really pushing myself--doing interval training on cardio and lifting weights at least 3 times/week. I really am excited that I've "left it all at the gym" and didn't hold back with my intensity. I've avoided looking in the mirrors at the gym for SOOOO long--well, I got a peek this morning and it really wasn't too bad. My body is really starting to shape up!

2) I'm on blood pressure medicine. Even with the medicine, on July 25th when I went to my doctor's appt it was 160/92. I went to CVS the other day just to check it b/c I've been feeling alot better....it is 118/78!!!!!!!!!

3) I'm wearing a size 12 dress pants today! Still a little tight, but it's something I couldn't have worn a month ago at the same weight.

4)I'm going to VA Beach tonight...and for the first time in a long time...I'm not dreading wearing a swimsuit or having the camera there taking pictures of our time. Now---I know my body's not where it needs to be---but I'm on my way.

5) I'm tracking again...my calories in and out. That isn't something I WANT to do...and someday, hopefully, I won't have to do it...but I want this bad enough. It is a small price to pay.

So, about a week ago, after working out hard and being on liquid diet with my first fill--I suddenly dropped 3 1/2 pounds taking me to the lowest weight since starting this journey on June 17th. I was THRILLED!!! Then the next day two and a half were back on. And literally the scale hasn't moved any further than .6 pounds up and down.

I have been working out at least an hour each morning for the past week. I thought FOR SURE that this morning would do the trick...but no...STILL there. Same.

I got out the measuring tape and started measuring. That really was exciting. From the first day of my pre-op diet till now, I've lost 13.6 (not 13.8!!) pounds is all, but I've lost ALOT of inches. 1/2 on my neck!! (Double chin is shrinking)...2 inches off my chest, 3 1/4 inches off my waist(!!), an 1 3/4 off my hips!! 1/2 inch from my arm (!)...so ok...this is doing some good, but WHY OH WHY is this scale not just falling off!!

My husband keeps telling me that it's because I've been working out and I'm replacing fat weight with "tight" muscle weight....it sounds good in theory, but it doesn't cut it for me.

My restriction is still VERY good....and I'm learning to let it work for me instead of just staying liquid or mushie (a huge temptation). Today I had tuna salad and ritz crackers for lunch and that came back up. It was because I ate it mindlessly--I'm in the middle of an audit at work---so I was stressing trying to get this spreadsheet done...and forgot COMPLETELY that I had the band. I made it calmly to the bathroom (THANK GOD the handicapped bathroom was free---it is it's own personal BR). I was impressed that I walked calmly down the long hallway....careful not to swallow and stretching ALOT!!!

I am not sure --since I've been way too swamped to track anything lately---whether I am getting ENOUGH calories. I quick count thru the day, but after you throw up it's HARD to get anything else down for awhile. I am thinking I'm getting around 1000--but it may be a little less than that, said and done because alot of the things I count---I don't finish. So....my plan for the rest of the week. TRACK MY CALORIES AND PROTEIN at a minimum...increase my calories to 1200...drink plenty of water!! I'm putting my scales up in the linen closet until Saturday. I'm just so ticked at seeing that dumb number...I could just write it on the floor and then I wouldn't have to get naked to see it!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't work out this morning out of disgust of the scales...and I felt drained of energy (another hint that I'm not getting enough) and havn't been sleeping too good. I feel much better now and more in control of my feelings since I've vented a little. The inches are an awesome thing and I will choose to celebrate that tonight.

I was getting dressed for church yesterday and my little girl--she's 6--came in the room, saw me wearing this bright coral colored bra--that didn't fit 13.6 pounds ago ...and she just started exclaiming about how skinny I was getting!! That made me feel really good.

There's people in Africa without any scales...so I shouldn't be ungrateful for mine! :thumbup:

Somthing funny about the band now that I have restriction is how you can feel SOO full in the "upstairs" stomach, but the "downstairs" stomach is GROWLING!!!!!

I'm eating MEAT for the first time since my fill. It's pulled barbeque chicken---pretty soft, but I am chewing the heck out of it. So far so good.

This morning I didn't even THINK about scrambled eggs....just had some milk with my Protein mixed in and called that breakfast. I've always tried to abide by the "Eat like a King in the morning and a Pauper at Night" motto....but since Monday all has changed. No more King in the morning. So far my lunch is going well---havn't thrown up or gotten anything stuck for 24 hours now. Taking it VERY slow. Chewing like crazy and waiting a minute or two before I take another bite. This so far has been really critical for me!! I'm asking myself before I take another bite if I am really hungry for it or not.

I'm beginning to feel what "head hunger" is....

It is great as always to read your posts! I think your blog has helped me every bit as much as all the literature I got with my surgery!! I am beginning to see exactly what you mean about retraining after a fill. And I totally GET the part about if you can't do regular food without PB then it's time for an unfil!! YOU DO seem like you're in the ZONE!!!! WOW!! Congratulations on the last couple of weeks!! You're doing great!

Yes, Tina....call your DR. I didn't have any problems with liquids but even mushies are giving me fits right now...so better catch it sooner than later.

I KNOW!!!!!! No more scrambled eggs for me! And no big loss there! I did what BG recommended....had some hot tea and then ate some mashed potatos....went down FINE!!!!

SO happy for you!! And Hawaii just around the corner! You are doing awesome so far! Keep up the good work. I have just recently started amping up my workouts and have been amazed at how it really has shaped my body up---so much faster than just dieting. You're almost halfway there!!

Thanks, BG!!! I will try the hot liquids before lunch! And good to know about the eggs....you're prob'ly right, they ARE rubbery. I've got some soup for lunch to eat so that should go down good. I'm going to give my DR a call when I'm on my lunch break and see what he has to say.

Liquids go down with NO problem...apple sauce, pudding, milkshakes go down slow..but fine.

I've read some people on here stay on liquids for a week....could I try that and THEN go if I still can't handle soft foods??

Today is four days after my first fill. It was a great fill and I have been ecstatic knowing that I really do have a band in there and it really IS doing it's job now.

But I don't think I'm getting enough nutrients in. Today is supposed to be the last "soft foods" day and tomorrow is eating normal food. HA!!!! Yeah, right!!!

Yesterday I went back to liquids since my cheating on Tuna Helper (I know---a new low!) had me wretching and sliming. Soooo this morning I tried scrambled eggs AGAIN, but had to rush to the bathroom to throw up.

I've heard some of you say that the morning's your band is tight....and that really is the only time I've been trying soft foods yesterday or today---both times to my ruin.

I think I need to call my doctor's office for an unfill....but PLEASE NOT ALOT!!! That is what I'm SO scared of. Finally after weeks, this is working SOOO good, TOO good, actually, but I know what restriction feels like. And I don't want to backslide.

But I am now too tired to work out. I know it's just not getting enough calories---I'm getting enough water!!

So that's not good. :eek:( I DON'T WANT AN UNFILL!!! I just want to be able to keep 1/4 cup of food down.

:thumbup:

I thought about weighing the towel---of course!!! Was thinking about walking by the scale and "acidentally" dropping the towel on it so as not to look conspicuous. It's digital so it would have been easy. Now if I was 200.1 I would have done just that!!! (after I tried to pee again)

My first fill was Monday. 2.7CCs in an 11CC band. Hardly anything right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I was supposed to be on liquids until this morning. But last night I got SOO hungry, I decided to sneak a spoonfull of really SOFT Tuna Helper from my daughter's rejects. How bad could it be? I did that after surgery and didn't have ANY problems.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so glad my family was upstairs! I immediately felt INTENSE pain then the sliming started. NO NO NO!!!! I decided I was NEVER going to SLIME----remember???!!! Rushed to the kitchen sink---horrible!!! OOOOOWWWW!!!!!!! WHY did I eat that stupid bite????

I downed about 5 Papaya enzmes tablets ---but they just came back up too---and there was my blood pressure pill again.

I calmed down a little and then went upstairs (with a tupperware bowl in case) and was able to sit there in hideous pain for about 5 minutes then RUSHED to the bathroom again. Whew!!! Much better now!!!

I sat there on the bathroom floor wiped out, but felt a strange new hope overwhelming me. IS THIS REALLY GOING TO WORK THIS TIME!?!?!?!?

I had been fully expecting to tell little to no difference this first fill...but WOW!!!! Just like that I am in the Lap Band world----and all that information packet and all the things my awesome nurse wrote down----suddenly they mean the world to me and I'm hanging on every word.

This morning was supposed to be first day of "soft foods". Um...not so much. I'm chalking it up to the fact that the puking must have irritated my band....so the 1/4 cup of scrambled eggs hurt like heck. So back to liquids this morning. I even self-righteously drank a Myoplex RTD drink at the cafe in my gym. Then went upstairs and started man-sweating again on the machines. I could only go for an hour today---literally started locking up---calories please!!!!! So then I took my little girl to Boston Market and got some of their mashed sweet potatoes. I lived on that in my two weeks mushy stage.

I could eat about 2 spoonfulls of that and 1 spoonful of soft rotisserie chicken (chewed 1000 times) and I was in pain and ready to GO!!!! I'll drink another protein shake again tonight to make sure I get my calories and protein in...but WOW!!! I'm still in shock that a fill can do so much.

My next fill appointment is August 24th. I'm assuming it will loosen up by then!!!

Oh, and get this...I HAD to weigh myself on the gym scales....and I was at an alltime LOW!!! All the pounds I had gained back in Banster Hell are dead and gone. And if you're a member of SWA---you know the travesty of what I am about to say---I had a damp towel wrapped around me!! So all-time low is even that much more something to celebrate!! I had half a mind to let that towel fall off, and check it again ...but......no.

I could have competed in a hot-dog eating contest and won on Sunday. Monday was my first fill and WOW!!! I can't even begin to tell you the difference!!!! SERIOUSLY eat VERRY VERRY carefully!!!!

Yeay!! I'm right there with you, girl!! Just took my daughter to Boston Market--she was craving their cornbread. 2 spoonfulls of mashed sweet potatos and a spoonfull of rottisseire chicken was all I could do...and THAT hurt!!! I used to be sooooo worried that sitting there denying myself all the wonderful food would just be the worst feeling in the world....but it's SOOO not!! It doesn't feel like denying yourself---it feels like power. And PAIN AVOIDANCE!!! :thumbup:) We'll see how it feels once this fill wears off! :eek:)

I felt SOOO much the same the day that I got RE-married almost three years ago. I thought that if there WAS any motivation...it would be that Maggie Sottero dress. But even with that---I wasn't able to do it and I regret it to this day.

Tomorrow will be fine. You will look back and see that day as a day that "defined" the new you. A mark in the sand that you stepped across. The best thing you ever did for yourself! I am not even two months past that day---and things haven't been easy for me. But my first fill was Monday and I can already tell a HUGE difference....suddenly I am in the lapband world! I would do it again in a heartbeat--problems and all. My only advice at this point in time is to be patient with yourself and your progress. After surgery I couldn't even tell I had anything done---but maybe you will!! But I can tell now!!!! Night and Day difference!!!

Then when you're down the 30 plus the 50....get that dress back out and get some pictures taken in it again!! :thumbup:)

Keep your chin up and your shoulders back. YOU will make this chance work! One day at a time!!! Good luck tomorrow!

You look 15 years younger!!!!!!!!! Way to turn back the clock!! Keep it up!

I got banded on 6/17....I had my first fill yesterday which I just blogged about. It really wasn't bad at all. I have had alot of the same experience as you. I initially lost weight after surgery, but once I got over my post op pneumonia and staph infection I gained those six or seven pounds back. I felt so depressed that I hadn't lost alot more in the six weeks AFTER surgery, but it isn't called "Bandster Hell" for nothing. I had NO restriction---could eat my arm whole with nothing stopping me!! :sneaky:) But my Dr. told me yesterday...Today is the day your weightloss journey begins. (Not June 17th)....so it begins. You will get thru this point. There are no failures---just delayed success. Take one day at a time.