*JASMINE*

I completely agree. I'm constantly amazed at how some of the most educated people on this board can also act so childish and ugly. Put a bunch of moody females together, and their fangs come out. This is exactly why I don't have many female friends. Men definitely don't sit around and do this kind of stuff...

Wow, I was reading my last blog and I guess life isn't too bad. I am still 163lbs. If I could just lose 10lbs, I can start fitting into all my jeans again.

The problem is, I've been smoking weed again. Talk about having multiple addictions. I'm addicted to anything that makes me feel good, without having to do any work at it.

The thing is, I can't even motivate myself to lose 10lbs. Can you believe that? I feel like I have nothing in me.

Since my last post, I got a fill. I think I might be too tight. I am totally not taking advantage of the situation, though. I am eating nothing but crap.

The only thing I feel good about, is that I haven't gained any additional weight since the last post. I feel like this is a self-fulfilling proficy. I am totally sabbatoging myself. Well, lets see how today goes...

I feel a little better today from the last post I did. I don't understand how I could have gained 4lbs in less than a week!!! I can't believe where I am right now. I think I have eaten so much that my band is no longer working. It is so fustrating. I'm gonna try to go on liquids for the next three days to see if I can get my band to start working again. I just hope I don't gain any more weight this week. With Thanksgiving coming up and then Paul's birthday, it's gonna be hard. I'm just trying to maintain right now.

I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED.

I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED.

I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED.

Sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall and end what's going on in my head. I hate the voices. The fear of change. The self destruction. The weight gain. I want it all to end. I create my own problems. I hate that I have to relive this over and over again. I have no control over all of this. I hate that I put Paul through this all of the time. He doesn't deserve to be around this. I don't know what he sees in me. I'm such a horrible person to be around. These are the things the voices tell me.

I feel so depressed. I've gained 3 more pounds. I try and try to control the binging, but I get such anxiety over it. So what's the solution? Medication. I've tried that, it doesn't help. There seems to be no solution. I want to end all of the suffering. But I can't. I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear...:think

WOW, fastforward 9 months. I am up to 159lbs. That's a 14lb gain in 9 months. That's not good. I refuse to get up to 160lbs. I looked back at my last entry and can't believe I was griping about being 145lbs. I'd be happy to be that weight right now.

But you know what, looking back at my past entries, I realize that I was able to eat a lot even back then. Here I was thinking that I have worked myself up to consuming almost pre-band amounts, but looking back at my other entries, I realize that the amounts are the same.

I realize that the only thing that has changed is the amount of exercise I am doing, the weighing in, and the amount of break days I am allowing myself. Back then, I allowed myself to break for one meal once a week. Now I am breaking for every meal during the weekend. Not good.

So, my goals are to track my food, weigh in once a week, and only break once a week. I can do it. I've been wallowing in self defeat for quite a while. It's not doing me any good but making me miserable. I did it once and I can do it again. It's all up to me know. I refuse to hit 160!!!!!

Man, I'm just so discouraged. I am up to 145. I have gained 10 pounds. I feel like such a slug. All of my jeans are fitting extra tight. I went and had a fill about 12 days ago, got down to 141, but now am back up again to square one. I can eat more now too. I was so motivated after my fill, but now I am just stuck. I feel like I'm never gonna get back down to 135.

I know, to most 145 is a wonderful weight to be at. But in my head, it's terrible. I know I should be greatful, but I feel like this is just the beginning and I'm gonna end up back up to 219. What's worse is that right now, I have no game plan. No way to combat the weight gain. Mentally, I am just exausted and stuck. I have lost faith in my ability to keep going. Every single day, every single hour of following the bandster rules is a complete struggle to me. I don't know why. I feel like a food addict. I think about food every hour of every day.

I know something is not right in my head. The only stress I am feeling right now is the stress of building a new house. That's it. Nothing major. So what is wrong with me? I am tired of the mental roller coster ride...

well, I'm taking another shot at this journal thing. Maybe it will help me think a little clearer. I am so stressed right now. Maybe if I write down all of my stresses, I can see them for what they really are and figure out how to deal with them. Here they are:

P- I weighed myself and I am up to 139lbs. I haven't seen this number in a long time. The problem is that I haven't really found any restriction lately and I have been drinking more. It's all a domino effect. I am drinking more because I am more stressed. I stress, drink, eat, and stress about eating. I am stressed because I am on paranoid mode and am scared that something has happened to my band.

S- 1. Limit the drinking to one drink.

2. Don't get up to eat at night.

3. Keep a bottle of water next to my bed.

4. Find other things to do with my time.

5. Start cooking better meals.

P- I am being sewed for the car accident. I have to appear in court and there is a possibility that the judge might rule against me.

S- 1. This is not in my hands. There is nothing I can do about this, except to let what is going to happen, happen. Stressing about it is not going to improve the outcome. Don't stress about this.

P- There are several new people in the clinic. I haven't made the very best impression. I haven't been very friendly, and I don't think they like me. I wish I was more social towards people instead of being so reserved. I am reserved because I am scared of being rejected. I'm scared of looking stupid. I feel so alone at work. I don't know why I even care. I've been at this job for 4 years and don't really have any co-worker friends. I guess that it has just hit me all at once because I realized that not a lot of people like me. My fellow coders at the RBO don't like me either. The only people that truly like me is my family, and that's because they HAVE TO. Just realizing this makes me want to cry. I truly am a good person. I realize though, that I don't put forth enough effort to be a good person and to help people. I AM SO SELFISH! I realized anothing thing, just by typing this. The little voices in my head, the ones that put me down, the ones that used to come every time I broke my diet and ate something bad, their back. They have just taken over my key-board. NO I am not a schizo. Most overweight people know what I'm talking about.

S- Try to be more friendly. Let go of my inabishins (sp?). Don't punish myself. Let it go. Don't drink to drown out the voices and the stresses in my life. Don't worry so much about what other people think.

I think that's it. I will start today by only having one drink. Change one thing at a time. Don't stress about making changes. Go with the flow and realize that God will see me through anything that comes my way. And most importantly, appreciate everything in my life.

Well, I'm on vacation this week. It seems that I am also on will power vacation, as well. We got the whole school thing situated, I think. We'll worry about it in August. Anyways, I'm trying to get back on track today, but the food demons keep telling me, "come on, you're on vacation, you've already gained 3 pounds, so what? you'll get back on track on Monday. Eat what you want today, you know you're going to anyways." So I am hard at work fighting these thoughts, but it's only 8:00am and I am already mentally exausted. I'm trying to hype myself up for this.

I ate ALOT yesterday:

breakfast-

coffee-50

wheat toast-100

egg-100

easter chocolate-200

lunch-

chicken sandwich-410

fries-175

snack-

icecream-300

popcorn-150

dinner-

drinks-250

half hamburger-250

ranch-200

icecream-300

GRAND TOTAL: 2485

WOW, THAT'S ALOT. Twice as much as I should have. I feel like I can eat pre-band style. I hate how finicky this thing is. I hope I don't need a fill. I hope it tightens up, because at this rate, I'm gonna continue gaining.

:cry :cry :cry So I am having a bad day, and it's only morning. I ate about 2000 calories last night. It was all o.k. until I saw the news. This would be something small to most folks, but it devistated me.

Nathan is starting school next year, and I have not been able to figure out who's going to pick him up. His day care doesn't pick up from this school and his school has no after-school program, so I was going to request a transfer to a school that they do pick up from. I was going to line up on Monday morning at 4:30am at the AISD main office because they said that people start lining up pretty early. Well I had no idea how early until I watched the news. They showed people who were already camped out in the parking lot. Some had even taken a week off from work and rented a trailor just to get in line. There's no way I'm going to be able to compete with that. There are only so many places available, so I would say that my odds of securing a spot is very low. So I am so upset about that because now I am at square one. Still don't know what I'm going to do when my son starts school.

I also think that I am taking it so hard because it is that time of the month. And here I was just thinking that I had the previous week without the emotional PMSing. I just feel so depressed about this.

And to top it all off, I tried to comfort myself with food. It didn't work. It probably numbed me a little bit, but now I am left with the food hangover. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see how far I have gotten with my weightloss, but am scared to be happy about it because I have been so bad. I feel like I don't deserve to be so thin because of all that I ate last night.

I am just so unmotivated right now. I feel like crawling under a rock. I feel like I did the last time I fell into a real depression. And I am scared to go back there, because once I am there, it will be hard to get out. And just like before, it was such a little thing that triggered it. For God's sake, it's not like anyone died. Why am I so bent out of shape about this?

I did really good yesterday. I didn't drink a thing, and ate about a 1000 calories and think I met my objectives for the day.:clap2: This is what I ate:

breakfast:

coffee-20

1/2 soup-110

lunch:

1/2 soup-110

3 crackers-36

1/2 slice bread-18

midday meal:

egg sandwich-200

snacks:

w/w ice cream-140

pretzels-110

dinner:

1/2 slice triple cheese pie-100

3 parmessian puffs-150

:angry O.K. I was really bad yesterday. Total : 2275 calories

I ate:

breakfast:

veggies-1 cup-100

brownie-1/2-140

lunch:

chicken nuggets-4-215

popcorn-1/2 bag-150

snack:

biscuit-1 1/2-360

dinner:

doritos-1 bag-400

2 drinks-200

1 shot-100

chocolate-1-190

oreos-1 bag-170

popcorn-1/4 bag-150

snickers-1 mini-100

:angry :angry :angry :faint: :cry :cry :cry

Well, I decided to start this journal to try and keep track of how often my head demons seem to overcome me. Maybe, I can figure out how to ward them off better.

It all started this week, after Valentine's day. My husband bought me a bag of chocolates (which is something I asked for for Valentine's day:confused: ).

Since then, I have had no self control. I decided that I needed to go through withdrawal, and then my control would come back. I was doing very well, until last night. Yesterday, I went to my nephew's b-day party and managed to do quite well resisting everything there, such as pizza, nachos, and cake. Then they sent us home with a party favor bag for my son. In it, it had a couple of debbie's brownies (my absolute favorite).

I ate half of one and tried to pig out.

The problem is, that once I decide to pig out, it becomes a very hard task. It's like, I then decide to plan my pig out, but can't seem to get in everything I want. So I go crazy. This is what I ate last night:

gold fish (100)

bbq chips (15)

cracker-1

cottage cheese-2tbs

meatloaf veggies-2tbs

chocolate chip cookies-6minibites

brownie-1/2

I know, that after reviewing all of this, it doesn't look like a lot. I keep reviewing it to see if there is anything I missed because I felt stuffed last night.

This morning, I feel terrible. The problem is that I am an "all or nothing" type of person. Either I have full control, or I have none. I feel so gross and bloated. I also worry about my band and the damage I do to it by not following the rules.

O.K. I think I know what the problem is. The problem is, that I drink too much. I have 2 mixed drinks every night. This takes away all of my self control. I know I have a problem, because I can't go a whole night without drinking. I know I need to stop, or at least decrease, my drinking. I just think I am too analytical, and when I am sober, I tend to think about things too much. I used to be a pothead, and think that this is why. Since being banded, I realized that I had to choose: the band or weed. And I chose the band. I haven't smoked weed in over 3 months. O.K. I was a functional pothead and am a functional alcoholic. I still go to work and do really well all day long, until about 7pm, when it is time to relax. I do use alcohol to relax. I admit it.

Weight-loss wise, I have done really well. I have lost 63 pounds in less than a year. I know that if I didn't have weed or alcohol in my life, I could have lost more. My goal is to be down to 145, or 135, by my one year anniversary.

So once I gave up weed, I knew that sooner or later, I would have to give up alcohol, as well. I think, no I KNOW, that it's time. I just don't know. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to try. I hope I have the strength...