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I had surgery exactly 2 wks ago today. I can't help but think I'm jumping the gun going back to work (this coming from the woman who asked her surgeon if it was possible to get back to work in ONE week, now suddenly I wish I had two more weeks!). I had mush brain for most of the afternoon. I had to sit through a reallllly stupid meeting for an hour and a half this morning and I basically spent the entire day resisting the urge to run out of the building and never come back. I don't know if it's a coincidence or what, but after feeling great for about a week, I get back to work today and had a LOT pain on my left hand side. I think it's from the office chairs at work, which have always been uncomfortable. They are not built for fat people, let me tell you. I always feel like I'm spilling out of the thing and that it's not long enough in the seat to sit in any comfortable way. Well, with all the repositioning I have to do all day in that chair, I think it took its toll and my left side of by belly was aching by mid-morning. I hate my job. Actually, my actual JOB is something I enjoy, I just really dislike the company and management. If I could work from home, I'd never leave my job!! Being away from it really amplified that fact, because going back felt like a shock to my system. I missed having a nap, I missed being able to sleep in, I missed being able to wear comfy pajamas all day. Basically, I missed being on leave! In the back of my mind, when I decided to have this surgery, I said "When I lose some weight, I'm looking for a new job." I went on a few interviews in the past year or so and always get passed over. I even had an interview at a company that a fellow coworker also interviewed for. She was not as qualified as I am, had way less experience, and I can only conclude that she got the job because she's thin and pretty. I don't mean to sound hateful, she was one of my closest work buddies and I miss her, but it just seemed like that's what got her hired. I remember going to that interview and not seeing a single fat woman there. That's just the society we live in. All of the jobs I've gotten, I was interviewed by an overweight woman. All the jobs I DON'T get are when I'm interviewed by a man or by a thin woman. No, I didn't have this surgery to find a job. But I think if I can be slimmer, dress better and have more confidence, I'll be headed in the right direction to getting a new gig. Hopefully one that pays as well, because money is THE ONLY thing keeping me at my current job! :\ That was an unexpected tangent - but I can also share that I've moved on to the next diet stage, which includes soft meats like fish and deli meat. I haven't tried fish yet (not a huge fan, but would like to try it), but the deli turkey is working out great. I can have 1 or 2 slices and feel full. I haven't felt any hunger yet, but I am still fighting the urge to eat cuz I'm bored. That should calm down now that I'm back and work and out of the house most of the day. It was tough not reverting to old habits when I was just lounging around the house for days on end! Thankfully, even if I did eat out of boredom, I can eat so little that it's not a huge impact. Everything is going into MFP - I promised myself that I would track better after surgery, and I have. I'm getting in about 800-1000 cals and 90-110g protein per day. Part of me thinks that is too much/too soon, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not. I don't plan to bump my calories up too much as I move through the stages, and I'm happy that I'm not struggling with the protein. Everything I have tried has gone down just fine. I've had a bit of gas here and there, but I just burp and feel fine. No pain, no vomiting or over stuffing myself yet. Been feeling okay overall... just bummed I'm not independently wealthy. I've lost 21lbs since surgery 2 wks ago, but after the first week (which was mostly gas/fluids/swelling, my weight loss has slowed down. It's been 1lb every other day. I KNOWWW that's not bad, but considering that I started with a high BMI, I was hoping to be one of those folks whose weight slides right off. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping my soreness in my tummy with fade in the next 2 weeks so I can REALLY hit it at the gym. I feel like I can't even walk that fast right now because my belly moves around and hurts to much. Well, I'm going to try for that nap I've been wishing for all day! Hope all my fellow May sleevers are doing well!

A month ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and really had a hard time because I have been in so much pain. I needed comfort and what did I do? Go back to food to make me feel better. Every day I was not working I was going to Sonic and getting a reeces peanut butter blast. I tried to convince myself it was okay because I only got a small one but heck a small one is 600 calories. I just could not except the fact that over the last four months I have become so dibilitated that I cant even lift my arms over my head and work is killing me. My new medications help some but not as much as I thought. Until they find an answer, do research, find better medications those of us that have this will have to learn to live with it. So now that the scale has went up ten pounds which is not totally aweful, its time to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back to my diet. My husband has been totally a doll for paying every week for me to get a massage and possible looking in to a cleaning lady because I just have trouble doing a whole lot. I am not letting this beat me. Im gonna rest as much as I can, look for a less stressful job, and do what I have to so that I wont aggravate my condition any worse then it is. No more using food to make me feel better, no more feeling sorry for myself because I have to live with it. I am better then that to let anything get me down. Although I was really enjoying those sonic blast lol I worked hard to get this weight off and I am not going to let this crap take me back to where I started. No way no how. So now I am off my soap box and getting myself back where I need to be. This time of year the produce is so good so I am filling myself with fruit and veggies. I will not let this beat me. I can say the pain at times is aweful but with the help of my doctor I am hoping we can get that under control as well. For those that have it I surely feel your pain.

I'm Tammy (or Flutterby - the original name for a butterfly... ) I'm 45 yrs old, 5'8" tall. I weigh 295 lbs. My BMI is at 44.8. My first goal is 170 lbs. Ultimate goal is 137 lbs. I've struggled with my weight since my second child was born about 23 years ago. I tend to gain weight all over. Well, except my bust area (strange). However, in the last several years I have gained more in my belly. I look like I'm about eight months pregnant... Uggghh! Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved being pregnant and I adore being a mother, but I’m not having any more children and I’m ready to be able to lose all MY baby fat. The baby fat may have stayed with me, but I added a whole person’s weight to it. I need to lose half of my weight – a whole person’s worth. Only those who have been here understand how much that realization can hurt and disgust me. I have tried to lose weight by diet, exercise, supplements and programs just like so many others here. From Slim Fast, Cabbage Soup Diet, Herbal Life, fasting up to two weeks at a time,, Atkins, Low Calorie, Juicing Diets, Wheat Belly Diet, Gluten Free Diet, Gaps Diet, Hallelujah Diet, Mediterranean diet, Paleo Diet, HydroxiCut, Green Tea, many herbal supplements, OTC aids, a short span on prescription diet meds and thyroid medication and using vinegar as a diet aid. As I think about it, losing weight been a driving desire/force in my life since I turned 23. The endless weight loss/exercise and health-related books and internet ideas and “snake oil” type cures, well I’ve researched and attempted many of those as well. I've tried exercise alone, or in combination with diet plans. I've used 10 to 12 different exercise videos both aerobic and weight lifting combined with aerobics, walking, swimming, biking, stationary machines, free weights, machines like elliptical, treadmill, stationary bikes, etc. My results were sporadic and frustrating. I could stay with a weight loss or "get healthy" plan for months, sometimes even three years at a time but when I failed to lose weight at all or stalled with 10 or 15 pounds loss with hard work and high cost to sustain, I would slowly go back to eating my "normal diet". “Going back to my old ways” basically meant 70% healthy choices and still incorporating something new I learned, but I would stop resisting the dessert, the chips and dip, the popcorn with butter. I think the "extras" and "snacks" are one of my biggest weaknesses. I’ve also noticed in the last few months that I really do eat big portions especially when alone. I keep cooking for a big family and it’s only me and my teenage daughter at home to eat right now. No matter what, my weight has continued to climb the last 23 years. I get so sick of my failure to be able to control it or change it. Several times I have resigned myself to being fat. But as I got bigger and older, other things started happening to my health and I realized how much it affected my family and my ability to actually live life like I longed to. I kept thinking there had to be a "key" or a certain combination of things that would magically get my health back under control and I'd start losing weight. I had a sleep study done and found out I had severe obstructive sleep apnea. I was full of hope that using a CPAP would solve my problems because obviously I wasn't sleeping well with meant I wasn't getting proper rest. This in turn, I thought, surely meant it affected my metabolism and maybe perpetuated the problems with my weight. I considered that since I started gaining excess weight when my first marriage got emotionally and mentally and sexually abusive I might have been trying to be less desirable to protect myself from my husband at the time. I just wanted to be safe. I could write out that long story here, but suffice to say I got out of the marriage finally, after 16 years. What is frustrating is that even the strength and self esteem and “new lease on life” I gained by getting out of that marriage didn’t translate into the weight loss I should have or wanted to have and continued to try to have. So, was my weight gain or inability to lose it initially due to the stress of the bad marriage that involved sexual abuses? Maybe, maybe not. More likely it was also genetics and environmental (how I was raised nutritionally). Both my parents are obese and have struggled most of their adult lives trying to lose weight and now dealing with health problems related to being overweight. However I got here, I’m here. And I am so thankful and grateful that things have worked out for me to have this surgery. It’s such an answer to prayer and a dream come true. Honestly, I want this personally, but doing it for my family is a super-close second! One thing I am appreciative of is that I’ve probably learned enough about nutrition, vitamins, food, feeding a body, metabolism, weight gain concepts, healthy living and very interesting discoveries about foods like kefir, kombucha, barley green, apple cider vinegar, good water, food supplements, and the benefits of grass fed beef, range fed chickens & their eggs, and home grown vegetables to write my own book. However, since I’m having weight loss surgery – I doubt it would be deemed worthy of contributing to my health. It’s sad, but true. True because all these things didn’t “work” to help me lose weight. However, I do believe with all my heart that all I have learned will continue to be super valuable to feed my body right after I’m sleeved! My mantra has been, “If I don’t put myself first for once and lose the weight and get healthy, how can I be what my family needs me to be?” How can I truly give and serve and support and enjoy in my marriage and our children’s lives unless I first take care of me? Initially weight loss surgery can seem selfish and irresponsible. Only initially! In all truth, it is smart and right for me because it is what lines up with my vision of my future.

Today I reached a couple of important milestones, so I wanted to make sure that I wrote a little about it this morning: I have lost 75 pounds (which I can hardly get my head around!) and I got past a number that was kind of out there, stalking me: 186. I haven't seen that number since I became pregnant with my oldest son, more than 18 years ago. The lowest I've been since that time was 187, and that was for a brief time about 15 years ago. While I felt confident that with the help of my sleeve I would get past that number, it was still a major emotional and mental hurdle that I had to jump. There was a tiny part of me-- a little voice in my head, if you will-- that kept asking, "Can I really get past that? Maybe that's as far down as I can go." But now I know that I can go all the way. I'm now 36 pounds away from my doctor's goal for me, and 46 away from my own personal goal. And I completely believe that I meet and perhaps even surpass those goals. I'm so happy right now, it's obnoxious! But I'll take it!

My brain is my worse enemy! My brain loves to play the second guessing game. I am still trying to understand my band. I am eating every 3 and half hours sometimes 4 hours. How do I know if I am full or satisfied? And why do I have a have a snack around 430pm? Craziness. I know I will get better with time I went to bed early last night for two reasons: one I was tired because it was my first day back at work and two either my furnace or air conditioning went out. It’s a good thing I have home warranty insurance because I can’t afford anything new right now. I think I was tired yesterday because I did a lot of walking around yesterday at work. My coworker welcomed me back with flowers and I was getting much praise on my weight lost from everyone! I have to say my ego gotten a little big yesterday. I also learn that one of my coworkers got the Lap band 5 years ago yesterday! When she told me I told her I would never guess that. She told me that she had great success with the Lap Band and has been maintaining her weight for years. She shared with me some recipes that she uses and things that she keeps at her desk like back up lunches and snacks. Now she emails me to check in on me. How amazing is that! I am so glad that I told everyone that I have gotten the Lap Band. Apparently I have opened some doors for people I work with that that were considering getting the Lap Band to go ahead and do it. I feel good about that and I’ve been completely honest with them too. I told them this was a 7 months process for me because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do this or not. It wasn’t like I woke up and decided to get the Lap Band this was some serious soul searching. But that is all I can tell him I am only 2 weeks out. I can’t answer their questions about what food I can eat and what can I tolerate. The only thing I can tell them is everyone is different but I know I will have more stories to tell them. Oh for those who are wondering if I took my day care kids on a Nature Walk yesterday….. I did and we walked for 15 minutes. They like it and they want to do this every day when they get out of school. How cool is that! Thanks for reading!

I said at the start of this journey failure was not an option. I was not going through this to revert back into old habits. While I haven't totally reverted back, over the last week I have noticed old thoughts and desires coming back into mind. I am not sure if this is because of my exhaustion and busyness of late or what. I had my blood work done this week to see how I am on that front. Seems I am very low on Vit D and my B-12 is low even though I am taking a supplement as is my iron. So I am going back on multiple suppliments and increasing the B12 even though I was already taking the perscribed amount. I know that these things being low can increase my exhaustion level, so I am getting back to taking them right now! My weight is still hanging at 188-189, but I still feel like a failure currently. Last weekend, Mother's Day- which is hard due to losing 3 babies- I went to my mom's for a family dinner. While I made sure there were Kime friendly foods there, there were also some of my fav desserts. I made my mom's fav cookie, which is also mine, Carmel Pecan Crunch. I ate 2 cookies- they were heaven. Then I took some Strawberry Cloud home. My mom's Strawberry cloud is a layer dessert consisting of angel food cake, crushed strawberries and a vanilla pudding/cool whip mixture. Mom does use the no sugar added pudding and cool whip due to my Dad's diabeties. But, still this was a dessert. Then yesterday a co-worker brought in her famous Pineapple Upside Down cake and I ate a slice. Normally, cake and me don't a long, but for some reason yesterday it gave me no issues. Then last night my hubs and I had some errons to run and some things to pick up so rather than cooking at home and having to clean up we went out to dinner. We needed something fast, which I should know better than that- fast and the band don't mix. We went to Chic-fil-a I order a kids chicken nuggett. (I use to eat two adult Chick nuggets). I ate the 1st nugget and bam- stuck. Took me 20 min in the bathroom to dislodge that sucker. I managed to eat a couple more nuggets and got stuck again so I gave up. I had not gotten stuck that day before that night, so I know it was from trying to eat to fast. But, part of me felt like this was my band telling me I shouldn't be eating this. I know chicken nuggets aren't exactly health food, but I haven't had them in forever and really wanted them and I did opt for a smaller size. Maybe I am just trying to justify my choice. The first of the week my weight bounced up to 190 and then back down to the 188-189 marks. The failure feeling come in that I am 11 months post of next Wednesday. I have gone from 244 to 188, while I am happy 56 lbs is gone, I still feel like a failure and I should have lost much more by this point. All the negitive things people told me before banding are swirling around in my head- "you will only lose half of you excess weight, if you want to lose more do gastric", "you should just do gastric, you will lose more", "your to fat for the band", "why do this, you will just gain it back", "you've always been big why change now". Yes, people said that to me, which pissed me off at the time, but now I am feeling like they were right. I know it's great that 56 lbs is gone and I have kept it off. It took 4 months for me to lose 10 lbs- that is so ridiculas. Many people on this site who had surgery at the same time as me have weight still melting off, so it's hard when the doctor tells me this is natural this far out for the loss to slow. I realize I should not compair myself to others, but it is hard not to. I am second guessing myself, wondering if I should just stop worrying about and live, if I lose more fine, if not fine. I didn't want to get to that point until I got to the 150's, which is almost 40 lbs away. I don't want to gain anything back, but I feel like if I don't lose more it still makes me a failure.

I am 10 months out and I feel really good. I've lost about 67 #'s so far. I'm happy with where I am and I have enjoyed the journey along the way. I've had to change things, learn things and implement things so this journey has been very interesting and amazing. I am now jogging using c25k and it feels great. I'm loving my sleeve. KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!! at my highest weight during weightloss

Ok so I am nearly done with my pre-op stuff. I hate that my surgeon will not schedule until all things have been done. Oh well. I was getting so worked up over all this stuff I nearly quit so many times ( I mean I have been on this journey for over a year). You can see my frustration in past blogs. Well this random quote came across and I love it and needed to hear it. "Stress makes you believe that everything has to happen now! ( that is me, me, me, to a T) Faith reassures you that everything will happen in God's time." It is so true. I am not a super Christian by any means but my faith has always been with God. Everything always works out the way it should for good or bad and I need to let go of things that I cannot control. Funny how one little saying can snap us back to reality and clear things up! By this time next week I will be waiting (well if that crazy psy doc doesn't derail me. hehehe...but for real he is one egg short of sanity) for my very last appointment with my surgeon to schedule my surgery. After all this and I get my date I am sure the reality that I am about get my guts ripped out for the sake of weight loss will hit me. I still can't believe that I am really going to do this! I mean that mostly in a excited good way! One last random thought...I think I may break out the kiddie pool and get some sun this weekend. It is going to be in the 90s! Perfect pool weather. Tan fat looks better than white fat. Well atleast mine does!

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So this is my first blog ever. I am blogging like most to keep a journal of my journey and maybe help someone along the way but I am sure I will need alot of that myself. Like most people here I have always been above average in the weight department. I ALWAYS needed to lose 10 vanity lbs in high school. Then when I hit my 20's the weight crept up. I always hated my body! I developed at an early age and look like a grown woman when I was 13. I had the boobs butt hips. Looking back I realized that this is when my problems with food began. It was my comfort. So I got married at 24 and got pregnant a year later. As soon as I saw that postive test it was my ticket to eat whatever I wanted for 9 months. For the first time since I could remember I was not feeling guilty for eating. I packed a whopping 90lbs. on. I was out of control! I had my beautiful baby and then realized I was huge and my body was forever ruined! I exercerised ate low fat low carb and lost 50lbs. Go me! Then life happened and things got stressful and I gained/lost it back, had another beautiful baby, over the next 6 years. I have been on every diet weight watchers atkins all the crazy fads only to go right back to where I started. That yoyoing can really play games on your emotions! So here I am I have 2 beautiful kids, a husband who loves me no matter what, and I am fat and I love myself least of all. I can give all the excuses like I am too busy or this happened and that happened but it all boils down to I put myself last on my list and now I have got to the point that I need help to get me back. The main reason I am doing this surgery is my health. I have a strong family history of early heart disease and type 2 diabetes. I have high total cholesterol high trigs and borderline high insulin levels. I am headed up the same hill many other overweight family members have taken. All of them are in poor health in their 40s and 50s or didn't make much past 50. I cannot end up like them and slowly kill myself. I have lived with my mother for 6 years suffering from heart failure and I know my days are numbered with her. She is only 52 and has given up hope. She has accepted that this is her fate. I can't let me children go through what I am going through with her. I know none of us are promised tomorrow but all my mom's serious health problem are directly related to her poor lifestyle choices. So while I need to get my head right and my emotions in check before surgery I am so glad I have made the choice to have WLS and hopefully be a happy healthy mother and wife for many many many years to come.