Hello my darling Diary.. I am sorry I have neglected you. Work is out of control and I barely have time to breathe. Going online at home is not an option. This is the one area I don't need anyone in my life knowing about. Too stressed to even think today. But glad I was able to drop the 3 lbs I had gained a couple of weeks ago (damn you tasty alcohol beverages!).
Spoke with a temp agency this AM seeking new work. They have several temp to hires...that's all I'll accept. Touching base with them Monday to see what they've come up with for me.
sorry, too tired to focus. Will do full update monday.
So this is the first time since my sleeve that I've experienced this level of stress... and it's taking it's toll I've gained 2 lbs since monday. So now, it's time to buckle down. I know the stress will eventually subside..and that God hasn't given me more than I can handle.. But it really is alot.. I know I should see a shrink, but Im focused on my daughter seeing one. And honestly, I can't afford the copay due to my brother's upcoming wedding ( I need to rent me and my son a tux and get my daughter's dress). I may use the EAP, but that's only 3 visits. We'll see.
Just trying to deal with one thing at a time but too hard...
1)dad having surgery to remove barretts disease next month1
2) daughter issues
3) oldest lost his job, how the hell is he going to pay rent?
4) g/f....ugh... enough said
5) job OUT OF CONTROL
6) possibility of layoffs
7) possible moving out of g/f's house
Hmm.. not the worlds worst list..but c'mon...it weighs on us.
So i have to almost start at square one. I've developed some not so healthy habits lately (sodas). The doc never should have told me i could have some if i let it sit out of the can/bottle for 10 minutes.. I had kicked that addiction, and it's back. Though I prefer it be that over smoking again!!
well i'm off to take child to the shrink...and do some things around the house to keep me moving. think it's time to pull weeds again...
Reading all the posts on here..and going over my own diary entries..it seems I have alot to think about. In my heart of hearts, I know what needs to be done..and yet, I don't do it out of fear. Not fear of failure.. I've picked myself up from ground zero before. I can do it again. Just so nervous because of the uncertainty in my job situation. If I move out/on, find a rental, will I be able to maintain it? I often think of asking dad to share a 4 bedroom with me..but dad can be quite the clingy/needy one at times too. Not to mention, I wouldn't allow his exwife to step foot in the house. (oh the stories there..and it all could've ended with a simple "sorry I screwed up, let's move on..damn denial..not just a river any more).
Dad is a neat freak like me. However, I can see him wanting to hang out the days I don't have the kids. Of course, I don't mind, I'm daddy's girl, always been. However, I would want alone time the first few weeks. Oh and I hate cats, he has 2. Though, Miles & Simone are good cats and decently clean. Cats just have too much attitude. And I don't know that my lil chunkers Lola won't eat them my sweet sweet dog. Who btw, needs to be put on a diet!
So here I am, yet again...wondering if I should do what needs to be done. It's hard, it's hurtful. I do not doubt that she loves me. She does the cutest things..but says the meanest things. Yet again this weekend complaints of my thinness. We haven't had sex in God knows how long. I don't desire it...and she doesn't make a move. Apparently I should make the move. Told her I have no desire when every other comment out of her mouth feels negative to me. Yes, there are times she's joking. I Know this. But it gets to me. My new favorite is callig me Elroy Jetson. REALLY? My hair looks more like Judy!! LOL
IDK........my head is just spinning. Work is out of control and then there's home life. Do I have the strength, energy to move on and out? Do I even care anymore? I know she's feeling like I am. The conversation will end up on me, blame on me...and my need for change (hmm...yet again, do ppl in a relationship need to change to maintain? to me, only if there are self destructive behaviors) God, we are so opposite.
I did find something interesting out recently. I got a tattoo on my ankle of our two astrological symbols entertwined. And it's sad, but I do research alot on how i can change it if we split. I happned to discover, I am on the CUSP of our two symbols! therefore, my tattoo can be ME. So all this time, I thought I was a cancer...but now i'm not just that. So did I ever really know me? And it does explain alot of how I have become the past few years.. (yes I believe in signs).
Well.. work is piling up (which pisses me off, it's ruining my social life on this community!LOL).
Work is so busy, head is spinning. Emotions all over today. Tired of whiney ass coworkers. Tired of my pain in the ass girlfriend (yes yet another weekend of how I look like a sick person and need to gain weight). I flat out told her to go find someone with more meat on their bones. Dad, gotta love him, but dear lord he is needy. Has called 10 times today needing something. I love helping my dad, but I can barely breathe at work today. Told my boss I wanted a $2 raise. He giggled and I looked him square in the eye and said "I'm not joking I want $2". He didn't know what to say.
Kids are ok. my middle kid has some attitude lately that is driving me nuts. I know he has middle kid syndrome, but dear god. He can be so whiney. And my daughter has me on edge. Found a text on her cell that said something about needing to be at the park at 2AM. I was livid. Called her on it, said she was just kidding with her friend. Needless to say, I now make sure there's now way for her to sneak out. I put objects by the door so they will fall if she opens it. I put tape across the top so I know if the door has been opened. I removed all hallway lights. I know keep my bedroom door open. Hmm must thought of something, I may lean something up against her door so I can hear it instantly. Granted, I don't think she would sneak out. I've reminded her of the 2 new stories lately about girls in our city being abducted and used for sex slavery. But as a mother, you worry nonetheless.
Wow, i'm negative today but not meaning to be. Just really not feeling life today. Just want to get away for a few days, ALONE. not possible, but a nice thought
So I found it amusing my blog yesterday was titled "Reflections". I walked out of my building to meet a coworker of mine outside. As I was walking back in the building, I looked up and saw my reflection in the glass doors.. I literally giggled out loud like a giddy school girl. The reflection was...amazing. I was just your normal, average woman walking towards the door. My legs looks so thin...My entire body looked so thin. I know i've lost 100 lbs. I know I'm a new person..but there are days when I just don't see it. I just see me. But yesterday, Oh lord! I SAW IT!! HOLY SKINNY MINNIES BATMAN!! THAT'S ME IN THAT REFLECTION!! not a friend, not some stranger, ME.
I practically started skipping back to my desk. Oh what an amazing NSV moment. Just seeing ME. Who I was meant to be.. WHO I AM!!!
Now if I could just find another job or at least get a damn call back from 1 of the ones i've applied for... grr...but that's ok. God is watching...God has a plan...
When I look at this picture, a song comes to mind. (I was almost at my largest, think i was 10-15 larger than this at one point). The song is called reflections
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
This has always been one of my favorite songs..and I guess in so many ways it was MY song for so many years. When I was larger, I didn't feel like that was the true me. Everytime I looked in the mirror its as if the reflection was a stranger. Who is she? And what made it worse is I also hid the fact I gay. I didn't hide that too long, I did come out within a couple of years of realizing who I truly am. Maybe that's what started my journey to self discovery. Would I have had the surgery had I not come out? I spent so many years wondering who the hell I am (well was rather). The day I came out to myself was a wonderful moment. Admitting to myself WHO I AM. Coming out to my family was the second most wonderful moment. Dad took it ok. Mom went through a range of emotions. I wasn't looking for acceptance, however, the freedom of being who i am was beyond words. Now 10 years later, my life has been the best it's ever been. The only and final struggle was the girl in the mirror..
It's been 2 years since my 1st surgery...and I look in the mirror each morning, Smile wide..and giggle "There she is..." There's the person I was supposed to be all this time.. I am so grateful to God for giving me the strength to proceed with my life change. And to my family and friends for being 100% supportive (well minus 1 person, but it is what it is). Each and every day they keep me in check. At first I had issues with some of them sneaking a peek at what I was eating. now however, it's a welcome glance! My favorite person is my co-worker and wonderful friend Granny Cathy. She has been so supportive and such a wonderful friend. I was being bad a few weeks ago and grabbed a kit-kat (sorry those are and always will be my weakness). After I nibbled one piece of it, she looked over, saw it...and took it from me! I almost died laughing. i knew i shouldn't eat it. and she knew i would do it anyway. i love her for that.
i know some individuals struggle with this surgery before, during and after...i can't express to them enough how wonderful this life change truly is. I wish I had done this in my 30's, but i'm a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. just thankful i did it when i did. no regrets....
I'm reading post after post in regards to whom people have told. And it seems very few are telling people outside of their 'cirle'.
Me, I've told the world. If someone at work asks, I tell them. My job knew the second i started contemplating the surgery.
I think part of my decision to tell everyone was I work for the company/hospital who does the surgery. i was the first one at my insurance company to get lapband. and now i am the first one to get the revision. i actually considered trying to get a job at the bariatric clinic. everyone at work has been so amazingly supportive. two of my close friends at work have gotten surgeries too. i feel like i've inspired others to follow suit, or to at least go to a clnic. i've sort of become the poster child for the surgery. matter of a fact, i may soon literally be the post child. marketing has asked if i'd be willing to be part of our 'my story' campaign. I have already put a testimonial on the website. they want to do a photo shoot (WHAT?? WHO? ME?? really? YIKES, YAY) most of the posters i would be on are within the insurance company and the hospitals. there's a very slight (NO WAY! YIKES) possibility i may be on a billboard.
see here in new mexico, not very many doctors offer the surgery. matter of a fact, it appears to just be our hospital here in albuquerque and one in santa fe. so it's a huge deal to have success stories and advertisement when a huge part of your advertising is 'only hospital in alb to offer wls'. i don't know if all this will come to light, but i'm willing to do what it takes to inspire others. or to be there for anyone who has questions. granted, one of my best friends is the manager of the clinic now, so i doubt she'll let it go. she'll make sure my mug shot is out there! haha..
So I did it. I am minus about 5 lbs of ... HAIR!! I could feel the weight coming off.. I was slightly freaked out, but knew it was something I've always wanted to do. My G/F was not too happy. But she'll get over it. It usually takes me 2-3 days to 'own' my new hairstyles. So by monday, I'll be rocking my do like nobody's business
Im proud of myself for taking this leap. It may not seem like much to others, but is a world to me. It's like wearing that sexy dress for the frist time, or being able to wear knee high boots because you can get them over your calf. Or in my case, it feels like being naked in a crowd for the first time. I feel so...exposed. But not necessarily in a bad way. It's forcing me to hold my head up and to strut my stuff..
Look at world, I'm on the loose!! HAHA
So tonight is somewhat of a big night for me. Due to my weight, I've always kept my hair long. I guess I felt I could 'hide' behind it..HAHA imagine? I kept it down to my waist. A few years ago, I got 'brave' and cut it to my shoulders. Mainly because my hair is super thick and heavy. Well I've ALWAYS wanted to have short hair. In my opinion, the less the better. Of course I'm struggling with my g/f about the length. I know it's not HER decision, but we all know we refrain from doing certain things due to our significant others. So her and I spent a couple of hours the other night going over hairstyles. We finally came up with one. So I'm doing.. i'm finally shedding some of this hair. I know to some this may not seem like a big deal, for me it's HUGE. To expose my neck, my cheeks, my face, my back. YIKES! But guess what, back fat is gone, the hump on the back of my neck I had started getting, GONE. my cheeks (they were my signature chubby cheeks) gone.. so it's safe now.. I think this is by far the 'biggest' thing i've done since surgery. The next big thing will be the tattoo I want across my back...
so here is what I came up with for hair... i'm SOO Excited. And pray my stylist does it just right!!
Having feelings of guilt today. It's almost the "is this too good to be true" feeling. I am at the thinnest I've been in my life, I can do things I've never been able to do, wear clothes I would never dream of wearing before, I pretty much eat what I want (within limits of course), have NO health problems...I should be at the happiest point of my life, but I feel so guilty. Do I regret anything? no of course not, but guilt is creeping in.
I think it's stemming from seeing overweight people at work struggling. I see the look on the faces, it's such a common look "don't look at me" "i'm the biggest person on here" "omg everyone is loking at me". I know those looks oh too well. Trying to hide in the corner of each room your in praying no one pays attention to you. Doing everything you can to avoid drawing attention to yourself. I want to walk up to them and tell them about me and my story..I want to inspire them to better themselves.. but wait, who am I to judge? Who am I to say they need an 'improvement' in their lives? Just because I'm at a healthy weight, do I look at the world different?
Yes I do. Am I horrible? I don't judge, not by any means...I just want everyone to feel as good as I do. It pains me to see overweight people in wheel chairs or in hoverrounds. It pains me to see overweight people with oxygen tanks. I feel so shallow right now. My G/f gets on me and says "Not everyone can take the easy way out and get surgery"... haha..easy way out.. Yes because it's been easy.
I spent the 1st year after lapband throwing up and practially living on liquids only. Yes, that was easy. I loved it. I loved starving inbetween my 1st and 2nd meal. Oh and I loved having my lap band removed, a hearnia repaired, most of my stomach removed, falling in the hospital, bleeding internally losing over 4 pints of blood, and having my spleen repaired the next morning. Yes I loved that.. WTF?? This path has not been easy. Now I'm exactly 2 years from the date of my 1st surgery. and NOW , yes life is easier. I don't focus on food, I eat when i'm hungry. and i feel great, i'm still losing and most of all i'm MAINTAINING. I've dreamt of this all my life. and now i'm here..and today.. i feel like i'm not worthy.
I probably shouldn't be typing today. Yesterday was just an all around horrible day. I had it out with a co-worker. I really do try to bite my tongue and keep peace...but oh lord she just hit the wrong button. So we've agreed to just not speak to each other. I was going to ask my director to move my cubicle elsewhere (so very tired of the drama in this dept). However, I don't want to add to the drama and stress him out. So I just keep my headphones on and play my music all day while I work. Today I feel the need for 'angry' music.
So worked sucked. Get home last night. I'm chilling with my kids then my g/f gets home...and...well.. of course she starts. Yells at my daughter because she left her bedroom light on (YES i agree, let's not waist energy, i'm big on that too) She then tells her to stay in her room the remainder of the night and takes her phone away. I realize my kids have been told more than once not to leave lights, but really? Then my g/f looks at the living room table and asks me "you couldn't clean it off?". Now keep in mind, I'm a super cleaning freak now. I keep that table SPOTLESS. However SOMEONE (who was not me) was in a rampage Sunday looking for one of her bills and a gift cert. Of course she had to take every document we had put away out to look for these papers. So...was I going to clean up her tantrum mess? OH HELL NO.. Then she looks over at the kitchen table and notices HER waffle from Saturday morning still there. And of course she asks why it's still there and why I didn't clear up her plate after breakfast when I cleared mine. I kindly reminded her she is an adult and can clear her own plate. I reminded her how she got up after breakfast and sat her @ss down on the couch. The 'rule' is who ever cooks, the other cleans..yet when I do cook (which isn't often, I hate cooking, always have) she NEVER cleans up after. Matter of a fact, she usually has the kids do it. I started to eplain to her she needs to help out more around the house. She went on and on about how she pays the bills and cooks.. Of course this didn't go over well with me since i pay MORE THAN HALF the mortgage (since my kids take up the 2 spare bedrooms) and how I pay MORE THAN HALF Of the utilities...we won't even go into how I buy all the toiletries (which is MY fault since I will only use Tide). So we begin yelling at each other...and I finally screamed out "since this is YOUR house and YOU pay all the bills, I'll just move out and get my own place".
Yeah, that didn't go over well. She accused me of being a child and wanting to run out rather than deal with the relationship like an adult. I told her i'm tired of the nitpicking and the fighting. We basically yelled another 30 minutes then we both shut up and aren't talking to each other.
This is the part where I was proud of myself. Rather than run to the fridge to attempt to stuff my face, I went to my room and began cleaning. I even cleaned the bathroom (ok so the bathroom in our room is 'our' bathroom. however, she NEVER cleans the damn thing, so i've stopped getting ready in there, I've stopped cleaning it. Thinking that just MAYBE she would get off her @ss and clean.. NOPE. it's a hot mess. Gross really). So I grabbed clorox and wiped down the whole damn thing. Did a load of laundry.
So this shows me my old habits of using food as my comfort, I now use cleaning as it HAHA!! Much less self destructive.
I did look for houses to rent online today. Ugh there is nothing in my price range (how the hell do people think we will pay more than $1000 for rent..seriously?) I don't know if this fight will blow over.. I don't know that I want it to. I do love her. I do. When it's good, it's great. When it's bad...ugh watch out world. Explosive. I don't feel it's a healthy relationship for either one of us..love or not.
Blah, I just want to go home........so over today.
Another week has come and gone. Was supposed to go camping this weekend, but forgot I have a baby shower to attend (Gah). Upset my mom when I told her I couldn't pick her up for the shower because I really didn't plan on staying through the entire shower. I explained to her I do not like showers of any kind...yes i know, it's my cousin's wifes and we've waited forever for another baby...but ...games/food/chatter.. no thanks! Hell I would've missed my own baby showers if I could've.. I sound evil don't I? I'm just so non girly like. But I know I need to be there. My mom's family is extrememly small (me, my brother and 2 cousins). SO this is a huge event. There better be some good homemade potato salad to make this worth it! LOL..
Well my g/f was still quiet last night. I had to really push to get to her mom's house. I know her mom was happy we were there. She loves my kids even asked them to call her grandma. After we made her mom dinner my g/f informed me she was going to her friends house to watch the remainder of the game..I was not happy, but let it go. I did get a text an hour after saying "I love you sooo much". I guess that was her way of reminding me she needs me? I know she's going through alot of emotion. In all honesty, I had to remind myself how I would be if anything happened to my dad. How would I be? Exactly like her. I'd shut her out (not intending too of course). And hold all emotion inside. Me and my dad are so close that my brother has already prepared his fiance of his duties should anything happen to my dad. He knows he'd have to fly in from Cali to help me cope. Yes, true daddy's girl here and proud of it! Matter of a fact, we had a cancer scare last month with dad. God smiled upon us and he does not have cancer! Thank you Jesus!! We're not 100% out of the woods, but they did say once they remove his barrett's disease, he should be in the clear .
Oh and I was a bad girl for lunch. I ate a burger. it was a kids burger, but a burger nonetheless. feel like poo now.. but i can't say i regret it. It was something I was craving and decided not to deny myself. I refuse to act like i can never eat certain things again... I won't eat them daily, but if i'm craving..im eating.
Well time to finish up here and work and start my weekend! See you monday dearest diary
So yesterday my g/f's mother is rushed to the ER wtih chest pains. We were told she had just had her 2nd heart attack. When she gets to the ER, they said that was incorrect and her heart was fine. Due to extreme deadlines at work I couldn't rush to the ER to be there. I also figured all her children were there so I would only be in the way. Once I knew I could leave work, I called my g/f and asked her if I could stop by her moms. She said her mom was tired and that she'd be heading home soon.
I went home, fed the kids and text her letting her know I feel ridiculous being at home when I should be at her side. She finally gave in and said to come down. Just as I'm about to get on the freeway she sends a text telling me her mom is tired and she's putting her to bed and would be home soon. So I turned around and called it a night.
This morning she woke up to take her mom to the doctor. I asked her to let me know when she got there so I could call her mom. I didn't want to call prior to just incase she wasn't awake. I sent 2 text messages asking her if she was there. Finally after an hour she responded that she was. So I called, she answered her mom's phone and I asked her why she didn't let me know. She said her mom was getting ready. I asked if I could briefly speak to her. I needed to send her my love and let her know I'm thinking of her. I know her mom would be SO hurt if I didn't call or go see her. This is why I was adament about wanting to see her.
I can't help but feel like I'm being shut out. This is her mom, I'm her partner, she should be leaning on me. instead, she's pretty much ignoring me. I'm trying SO hard to be understanding and give her space... but I would like to feel needed by her. She can't do this journey alone. Her mom is on 10 different meds, has diabetets, high blood pressure and God knows what else. We NEED to change her eating habits and get her on some sort of exercise. Does she think she can spend everyday at her mom's alone and do this by herself? I can't make it more clear I AM HERE FOR YOU!!!!
Ugh, I'm just sad..I know she's angry at me from the other night because I "didn't have her back" when she got upset with my son. Is that REALLY a reason to shut me out now? I mean really? She is pissed I asked her to drop it while we were fighting. And of course twice as angry that I didn't bring it up the next day. (she knows I hate arguing). So...here we go again. SSDD..
I know in my heart we're not meant to be, the love is there...but not much else.. IDK.
Well another day is here. I'm trying to stay awake here at work. After the weightloss, most of my nightmares had gone away...but some creep in now and then. I don't recall if I had nightmares last night, but know it was so hot I couldn't get comfortable. Was so upset when my alarm went off..damn it, I just fell asleep. I'm thankful i do sleep better but god why can't i fall asleep quicker?
Of course it doesn't help that I can't shut my bloody brain off!! UGH! SHUT UP VOICES! JUST SLEEP!! Too hard though. Healthcare reform is changing my job so drastically. Everything I love and do will be going away by next month. in the meanwhile, my month this month is hideous. Scrambling around to see who can get the kids from school (what happens when you move out of district, but refuse to let your kids go to any other schools..theyre doing so good). Trying to get all my work done before 5. Kids calling asking what they can eat. The girlfriend calling bugging about if i'm going to cook (didn't we establish over 5 years ago I DONT COOK? ugh I hate cooking. she should'nt be eating at 7pm anyway!!). ok focus, must finish your work for the day...
dear god, how am i able to stay focused on eating good when everything else is in shambles? I guess it's ok since I don't care much about food anyway. HA, I tried explaining that to my g/f the other day. That i eat because I have to, not because I want to. she laughed and said i was being stupid. hmm should i refer her to some of the forums where that's discussed? yes honey, it's true, eating just isn't important anymore. Has she not noticed when she asks what I want to eat i reply with "i dont care" because guess what, I DONT!! And now she wants to take a cruise. Hmm can i get a discount since I will not be enjoying the endless nasty buffets? to me it's just a waste of money. What saves me is my birth certificate and my DL's have different names (by one letter). So technically, I can't get a passport. (I tried, it will take an act of god to get my names to match. and NO I am not changing my name to what's on my BC...NO!!!). Now I see why 50% of WLS patients end up getting a divorce. The things in life that used to matter, dont anymore. She said it's hard for her because our relationship used to be based on food (really, where was i?) and now it cant' be based on that. REALLY? ugh.. that angers me. that's...pathetic. So we can't connect (or havent) on other levels?
being single just seems more and more appealing wihth each passing day.
ok...back to work. i really do have a ton to do today.. just need energy!!
Well the wedding was amazingly goreous and beautiful. Though it was my best friends day, I felt like a princess too. I shined in my own light. It was the first time since I was a teen (well maybe in grade school) where I didnt' cover my arms! I fussed and threw a fit because I couldn't find a shawl or jacket to wear over my dress. At the last minute, I decided against one. Partly because I did want to show off my tattoos. And for once, I didn't mind taking pictures, even willingly posing for a few. I was nervous about the ones in the wedding party, but I felt confident enough among all the other bridesmaids.
When the DJ was introducing the wedding paty, I was the only one who he called beautiful. silly to be excited over that, but i am! Granted he kept giving me the eye all night. which was hilarious to me, don't think i've been flirted with in awhile.
the rest of my 3 day weekend was nice. Sunday, didn't do much. Finally caught up on season 3 of game of thrones (YAY). MOnday, we got our workout in by washing all 3 vehicles, cleaning out the garage, sweeping the driveway, pulling weeds and fixing the landscape. it was nice. I wanted to be lazy, god how i wanted to be lazy. but my g/f refused to let me , and i'm glad. the garage and yard look amazing!
this month is going to be tough at work, my only fear is will i over eat snacking at my desk ( i dont take lunches or breaks). or will i undereat because i get so involved.
oh and on a minor note, my doc (he didn't do either one of my surgies, he just took over the clinic last month) scolded me for eating 5-6 mini meals. he said i won't maintain my weight loss or lose more. i've proved him wrong. I lost 2 more pounds this weekend. don't think my scale has ever shown 137!! so in your face doc! LOL ok that's harsh. I just was worried i was over-doing it, but i feel confident I will maintain what i've lost. All i can do is listen to my body. im so much more in tune with it than i've ever been.