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About this blog

Finding myself for the first time

Entries in this blog

 

Sharing my firelight pic

Before surgery my friend came over and we took some pics by the fire. This is my favorite and I thought I would share! I couldn't post it before the trip!  
LittleBird

LittleBird

5
 

Day 10 - "the camera makes me look fat"

I told my husband that "the camera make me look fat" is just what fat people tell themselves to try and make themselves feel better. We had this disucssion after having him take some current "before" photos for my journey. I hate these photos. But I realize its important to have an accurate way to measure my future results!   I'm taking measurements on my left side. Today at 249 lbs they are as follows: Upper arm: 16 3/4 in. Chest: 46 3/4 Waist: 42 3/4 hips: 52 Upper Thigh: 28 1/2 Calf: 17 3/4   I hate those measurements too. :phanvan   I ordered Omnitrition Liquid Vitamins today. They have a better absorption rate and Elaine (step Mom who is an RN) said the people she knows who do well with WLS have all used some form of liquid multivitamin.   Here are my before photos - in my unflattering purple bikini. I'm going to wear this for all my photos - until it starts to fall off me anyway! I think wearing the same thing each time is a good way to really see a difference. Posting them here for the world of LBT to see is daunting, but I feel compelled to share my starting point.          
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

My Dr. is an idiot

So, on the advice of a local RN who's been banded I called my PCP. (primary care physician) She was on vacation, but I left a message that told her I was having weight loss surgery and wondered if she had any preventative work ups she thought might be a good idea before heading over to have the surgery.   She didn't call me back. That pissed me off first.   I called the office and the receptionist "read to me" what the dr. had to say. "I won't do any blood work for you. Get the surgery in the USA."   That was it. What a bitch.   She could have called me at least to discuss things! Seriously, I'm angry. And this is my Dr????
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

I can....

At my goal weight these are the things I know I'll be able to accomplish, feel, and enjoy.   Next year at this time:   I can run. I can hike down and back up the high bank at my house that leads to the river bank. I can cross my legs. I hold my head high when I walk in a room. I enjoy shopping for clothes. I can play with my kids regardless of the activity. I can go skydiving. I can buy that sex toy DH and I want because I'll be well under the weight restriction! I can wear leather pants and look GREAT in them. I can choose any type of lingerie I want. I feel sexy when I'm naked with my man. I am at my optimal health. I have healthy cholesterol levels. I have energy. I am no longer a high risk for stroke, cancer, heart attack. I can ride my bike tirelessly. I can fit on the back of the motorcycle with DH. I can wear a wet suit and learn to snorkel. I can swim and enjoy it. My skin is fresh and clear. I can buy SEXY panties. I can buy SEXY bras. I can wear stockings with garters. I will enjoy traveling by plane. I enjoy my summer in tanks and shorts. My knees don't hurt. I smile more. I laugh often. I don't feel depressed.       I'll probably add to this. Might even start a thread. These are the things that motivate me, its what my "goal weight" really means.
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

Curls

DD - "What are you doing Mom?" DS - "Are you going out Mom?" DH - "Why did you do that?"   My reply -   I can't smoke. I can't drink. I can't eat. So I decided to curl my hair.   I'm tired. I don't want to walk. I've been walking every day over a mile and I like the way it feels but damnit I'm tired tonight and don't want to walk. It's probably PMS - I just figured it out. I always get like this (tired) right before - but right now its rather inconvienent.   I primped to see what my longer hair looks like curled - I like it. And because I'm bored and DON'T want to get on that treadmill tonight.   I also weighed at the Dr. office while having my BP checked (its down from last time, but still a little high) - a different scale than last time and according to that scale I've only lost 7 lbs - it says 8 lbs more than last week when I was there. So I either gained 8 lbs in one week or never lost it to begin with and have only lost 7 lbs all together. It was just the cheap on the floor kind but I expect a Dr. office to have an accurate scale. Either way, I'm freaking out. Maybe I'll just stop weighing till I get to Mexico the day before surgery.   *Big sigh*
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

Destiny's Child

I just got done walking a much faster mile - 3 MPH while watching "Destiny's Child" in Concert on Video. I don't usually listen to that kind of music, but the beat is killer - it really got me revved up to which I owe the faster pace.   My friend and inspiration who has lost 100lbs with gastric bypass (her DH has lost 100 lbs with the band) is working on a group excercise schedule - her friend, herself and me - and who ever else we might drag along. I know that walking will only get me so far and I will have to do something to "tone" my flabby body. I'm excited about the prospect of working out with friends!
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

Back from the dead

Well I left work yesterday like a walking zombie. The pain I was having was a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10. I would come and go - but it was horrible. I thought it was strange considering I'm over a week out of surgery. It was my first time with the shoulder pain - I've felt it with other surgeries but never that bad. I tried walking, walking, walking, but it didn't help...I finally layed down at home and didn't move - till this morning.   I feel better so far - I just hope it lasts.   I weighed - 236 - I lost 3 lbs overnight! I realize I shouldn't be doing the scale every day - but it makes this pain worth it when every day almost the number is smaller!! I'm looking forward to being able to really excercise. There is nothing worse than losing weight without being able to "shape" the loss. I feel like a bag of oats...Not very sexy.   I made a protien shake last night - water, soy protien, bananna, and an egg with splenda. Blended very well. It was pretty tasty - so much so that I had one for breakfast too with a splash of vanilla. I know I need the protien and right now I think that is the best way to get it in.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Day 14 - Aloha

It's Aloha days at work and I'm wearing my hubbys Hawaiian shirt - I look like shit. I got rid of my Hawaiin stuff - I told the people at work its becuase of a month of "Hawaiian" days last year and I didn't want to see another Hawaiian shirt, but the truth is I got rid of them because I got too FAT to wear them again. Next year I'll be a Hawaiian hotty! That's my hope anyway!!   Anyway, I walked 1.25 miles at 3-3.5 MPH average last night. With warm up and cool down was 29 mins. I weighed today and while my scale is still screwy, I figure I'll go with a conservative 246 right now. I'm thrilled and seeing a difference in my face - my cheeks especially. I guess this crash diet thing is worth it - at least I know I don't have to keep up this pace on my own. I know with the band I won't feel like I'm starving all the time!
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Day 15- goals

I wrote my LapBand related goals down last night.   1. Quit smoking permanantly. Start date 8/3 2. Goal weight of 240 by 8/16 for surgery. :clap2: Reached 240 8/4/2006 3. Maintain 8-10 lbs weight loss per month after surgery until goal weight is reached. 4. Consume proper balance of protien, fat, carbs and calories as recomended by nutritionist 5. Jan 1, 2007 goal weight 200 lbs 6. Perform cardio workout 30 mins every other day. 7. Learn weight training skills by Sept. 2006 8. Get weights for training by October 1, 2006 and begin weight training at least 2 times per week 20-30 mins. 9. Reach 150 lbs by August 2007 by maintaining discipline with excercise and healthy eating. 10. Compliment at least 3 people every day!
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

My hard work paid off!

I just got the call from the Nutitionist at my Dr. office. She asked me my current weight and starting weight. Since I've already lost 9 lbs she said I don't have to do the liquid diet for 7 days. She said just stick to a low calorie (1000 cals) diet and drop a few more pounds that way! :clap2:   That was great news for me as that was a daunting prospect for me - being only on liquids pre-band for 7 days!   WHOOHOOO!!!! She suggested a low fat breakfast like Special K and low fat milk, a shake at lunch and 250 cals for dinner. Hot damn. I'm thrilled.   Then she warned me - some people lie about their start weight and have problems. Not a big deal for me since I know I'm not making it up - I just thought it was interesting that someone might lie about it....
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Day 16 - High Blood Pressure

The Dr. I've been seeing for 3 years couldn't figure out that my high blood pressure readings are something that should be treated - I've seen her over 4 times in the last 6 months - 3 of those times her nurse said "oh, your BP is high" and the DR. never said word one about it.   I go see this new PCP to make sure I'm ready for surgery - and the first thing she says is "you need to treat this high BP" and gave me a prescription. Jeeze. I'm really going to write a letter about my Dr. send it to her and to her "boss".   So I'm on a "water pill" - I don't like the feeling it gives me this morning....Yuk. But I'm glad she picked up on this before surgery.   I walked 1.25 miles in just 24 mins last night. Even did a SMALL like 1 min burst of JOGGING. I thought "It won't be long and this won't kill me!!"   The other GREAT news is I'm down to 240 - for a total loss so far of 15lbs pre-op! All in all, with the great news I got yesterday, my new weight loss, knowing my BP won't be an issue cause I'm getting it treated...today is off to a good start!   Still 100% smoke free. This is day 3 with no cheating.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Mexico photos

I finally got my photos of the trip to Mexico for surgery uploaded so here are a few. I should have been more "reporter" like about it for newbies considering the trip - but I went more "touristy" instead...I didn't want to haul my expensive camera down there with me, so these are just so-so pics...     Hubby and I the day after surgery in the courtyard of the hotel.   These workers to it the old fashioned way...this was a hotel down the road being worked on.       The view outside our hotel window - the "frogger" course!   The hillside outside the hotel patio. Up close these houses leave a LOT to be desired. I would have loved to see the "real" TJ rather than just the touristy section of town.   You see these delivery bikes everywhere. I guess they can manuver through the crazy traffic faster than a car!     The bathroom in our room. These guys at Hotel Lucerne are great - they leave a fuit basket every day - not good for me but my husband enjoyed it.   The room - I think they do double beds for Dr. Ortiz's patients cause everyone else had one too. DH was relaxing upon our arrival.     The hotel has a great pool - very large with a walking bridge over the two sections. I was able to enjoy a swim the day we arrived. This is the day after surgery.     Saved the best for last - my incisions the day after surgery. Lots of sticky iodine everywhere - still washing that sticky stuff of my belly!!
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Day 18 - AWOL

I went AWOL for a couple of days! Actually I wasn't good - I broke my smoking rule and smoked a couple of cigarettes but I'm back on the wagon today. That's all I can do.   I've spend the last 2 days playing in the pool and relaxing with my kids and my friend. I am burnt!!     I walked today with the kids on the Centennial Trail for just over 50 minutes. It wasn't fast (probably 2 - 2.5 MPH), but we did stray off the path and walk up a few steep slopes.   I'm getting nervous.   DH is scared, and angry and worried I think. He thinks I'm going to end up running off with some younger guy when I get healthy. I'm struggling with his fears right now. Don't know what to do or say that will help him feel better. I'm doing this for my health and even if he is scared and insecure about it, I'm not changing my mind. He says he supports me, but I can't see how - if he thinks this will lead to divorce....   UPDATE: 10 p.m. Walked half a mile at 3.5 for good measure since todays walk was slower with the kids. Feels good to have some energy back. Haven't smoked ALL day....
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

One Week - Late Night Eating

I walked 1 mile in 20 mins (3 mph average, but with some bursts of speed up to 5 mph!!) last night. Then added 6 more minutes...That's the good news.   Only one more week till surgery!   The bad news is since I faithfully gave up smoking (I'm doing GREAT with it now!) I've been eating at night. It's like I'm asleep, but not all the way - I get up, I eat - and not stuff I'm supposed to be eating!! Crap, like the leftover pizza last night (one piece of that last night) - or the chips (which I HATE having in the house anyway) left over from our BBQ, or a handful of chocolate chips - just the chips, no cookie...It's like an obsession. I do great all day - then at night it all goes out the window....   It's gotten worse these last few days and I feel horrible about it. WHAT DO I DO? I'm afraid its fucked up my (sorry about the language, but hey its my journal!) weight loss before surgery. I might be over reacting but I still feel bad.   Quit drinking, quit eating, quit smoking - all my vices are gone and I feel like I'm trying to hold on to one of those slippery water toys - the water worm? I try to hold on, but it slips out of my hand - *sigh* Can I do this? How do I REPLACE my vices with something good for me??
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

This is me...

For my journal readers here is a bit more about me:   I am 31 and the mother of two children - my daughter is 14 years old and my son is 10. I'm newly married *3rd and last time!* to a man who is 18 years my senior. I was first married at 16 - to my DD father - divorced by 19 and remarried at 22. That one didn't work after 7 years of marriage. I'm married again - more secure now, more mature, more sure of myself. The kids have had a hard time adjusting to the change...   I have a day job and also own my own online company. (www.providerwatch.com and www.findadaycare.com) I enjoy living in Western Washington for the weather, the green, and the fact I can get in the car and drive somewhere. NOT like when I lived in Anchorage, Alaska!   I write - poetry mostly. I love music - listening to it cause I don't have a musical bone in my body. I love to read - anything from fiction to interesting non fiction. I think I'm more serious than I should be....   From the thread "Why are you Fat?" My weight gain began about 9 years ago - it was a slow process that began with excessive drinking - high calorie drinks -depression...I gained about 30 pounds those first few years, lost some and have steadily increased reaching my all time high - currently 255. I quit drinking a year ago - eat more to replace it - and have worked at a desk job for 3 years. That combined with no physical activity.   I ENJOY food, its emotional for me. When I cook and enjoy a good meal, it feels good deep down. But this good feeling is followed by guilt and remorse. When I feel full - I feel guilty.   I think about being fat from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed at night and sometimes in my sleep. The bottom line is I overeat, food is emotional satisfaction, and I sit on my a$$ at work all day.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Migranes

I realized something last night - I haven't had a migrane - or a headache for that matter- since this new Dr. put me on these pills to treat my high blood pressure! Holy cow. I was getting them 2-3 times a week (up from like 2 times a month). I don't know if there is a connection or not, but considering these new pills cost me .32 cents and the migrane meds cost $15 per dose (after insurance!!) I like the change!   I weighed this morning. I know I said I wasn't going to - but I did. It was 245 - NOT the 240 like the Dr. scale said last week. I'm sticking with that number for a few reasons - 1. it seems more realistic. 2. It still means I've lost the required 10 lbs preop. 3. I will lose more in the next few days and it will be "cherries on top". My GOAL was 240 before surgery, so I'll aim for that by Tuesday.   I will have to update my ticker though!
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Feels weird

It feels wierd when I lay flat on my back. I'm sure its my port in there - but its such a wierd sensation. I'm afraid to poke around and feel my port - I'm afriad it will hurt. My scars are healing up though and almost all of the glue is gone.   DH is sad to see my boobs and butt shrinking.   I was putting lotion on my hands yesterday and I realized even my hands feel different - I can feel my knuckles more than before. It's strange because I never thought about fat hands - my ring is still tight and I haven't lost any more pounds yet, but my body FEELS different every day.   I didn't walk last night - was TIRED after work and dinner.   Had 4 oz. of tuna for breakfast. Felt very different to be eating tuna while the guys were munching on doughnuts and pastry.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Eating my protien

I'm drinking my water and eating my protien. I have a confession to make though. Since surgery I have not been up at night for the midnight munchies. Last night I was - I know its happening when it happens but its like being in a fog....   I get up to pee.   I go to the kitchen.   I open the fridge and look for something to satisfy me - I don't know if I am hungry, just compelled to eat something.   The voice in my head says "You don't need to eat right now. You should go back to bed" and yet, I keep looking. :hungry:   Fortunatley last night I didn't have anything screaming at me - no crab dip with ritz crackers, no pudding, no leftovers...So I didn't completely sabotage myself. I grabbed the only substitution which was a bag of Ruffles - plain, which I hate - ate two (chips not bags!) and went back to bed.   THANK GOD.   I know that my late night eating was out of control before surgery. It was one of my fears when considering surgery - how was I going to overcome this?   I wonder if its late night hunger - my swelling is gone and I know I'm now able to eat more than before (a week and a half ago) - but I am still limited to what I can eat at a time.     Is my body rebelling? Crying out for calories? Or is this a head thing?   I'm trying to keep portion control myself, but I am looking forward to my first fill - when its time. I'm still shrinking - though the scale hasn't changed - I can see the changes in my arms, my face, my legs, my belly so I'm not discouraged. I guess I'll see how I do in the coming weeks with this midnight battle.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

I'm still alive

Between hubby having a sleep test, an intensive job interview and the kids back in school ( I am the mom of a new Freshman - yikes!) I have been distracted to say the least!   Approaching the one month mark - feeling good, getting compliments (hey, you're really losing weight!)   I gave my Drivers License to a lady at the mall (had to buy new pants - they were 14/16 not 18/20!!) and she said "Wow, you look different" Pretty amazing considering its more inches than weight at this point. I still haven't budged from the 233 mark, but I continue to FEEL slimmer in my body.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

My first fill - 3 months post op

I got my first fill today. It was completely painless and so simple it was ridiculous. I think the last time I went when they "couldn't get it done" was because the lady was a "fill in" for the regular RN - because today was a snap.   They added 1.5 and then took out .2. When I drank some water the first time I was gurgly - so they took out the .2 and all was well. It will be interesting to see how food goes - and what changes I'll have to make now that I may experience some actual restriction.   Liquids today and mushies tomorrow. I guess after that back to real food.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

OMG - this stuff tastes like shit!

Ok so with 7 days left - even thought the Nutritionist said I don't have to - I figured I would go with the shake, shake, greens with balsalmic vinegar diet. I just got back from the store - got my "greens" and balsalmic vinegar and have sat down to eat it - YUK! Must be the greens because I acutally like vinegar dressing....Next time I'll go with iceburg lettuce. If I don't puke I'll be doing good...
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
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