New Look and Jealousy

[mamalovell 0]

Don't know if this is right spot for this thread but hear goes anyway. I was banded Aug. 18, 2008 and have lost 120lbs. My appearance is totally different. My problem comes from I don't find myself very pretty or hot or anything. (My issues from being overweight for so many years.) But I have had alot more attention from male co workers and rude looks by female coworkers in the past 3 months. 1 co worker (who I thought was my friend.) has been treating me different and we always joke and have fun until I got email from his wife telling me to back off. My suprise considering he's 10 years older and reminds me of my father. Our family's were friends and by all means I am not any threat to her. I treat him same as when I was fat so why this sudden jealousy. How do we react to this? I am same person as before. I am so mad I just want to scream. What do I do????

I am already greiving loss of my father, the old me, my son growing up and now loss of friendships.

Edited July 29, 2009 by mamalovell

[FailureIsntAnOption 0]

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR SUCCESS! What year were you banded?

The lady that owns the gym I go to has lost 160 pounds from gastric bypass. She was telling me that fat people she used to be friendly with no longer like her because she is no longer fat and they are mean and jealous. She warned me that there is a lot of this behavior out there, but I am somewhat naive as I believe that most people are kind and loving.

I guess the reaction of this guys wife of feeling insecure with your friendship of her husband is really somewhat of a compliment to you that you are now so attractive she views you as a threat. I can see where things can now be tough to maintain a relationship since the wife's ugliness has come out. It was okay for you to be friends with her husband while you were fat but now that you are beautiful she wants you to stay away. I wonder if this means her husband is attracted to you?

I would drop her a note or email telling her how much this offends you and how you have always viewed her husband as a father figure and have no interest beyond that of friendship. She is the one who should feel bad not you. You haven't done anything wrong dear.

Congratulations on your weight loss. I know what a huge achievement you have a accomplished.

[greytz 4]

It is unfortunate that this happens to people when they are only trying to help themselves and get healthy. I am retired now but when I worked, even heavy, I always made a pact not to get too close to co-workers. It can be a challenge but in the end worth the effort. I would not provoke her as you do not know what she may be capable of. I would simply not engage in the behavior that is giving her a problem. While I realize it IS her problem and not yours, it is just not worth the negativity you create around you. I have already had some comments from people I thought were adult enough to handle my weight loss but alas, I see they are not as they are already treating me differently and I am not even close to my goal. I just move on and don't waste my time with them. It makes it a little more lonely but I really concentrate on the relationships that I know are genuine and are worth my time.

[MsFab1988 275]

congratz on ur weight loss! I think we all should exspect for ppl 2 get jealous of us when we succeed...not everybody wants 2 see us happy...alot of ppl dont really pay attention to us when were huge...but when were smaller, they notice every little thing...an example would be like I go to a club and 3 guys try to dance with me and ask for my number...but now when im 120lbs lighter, same thing happens at a club and now ppl wanna say "yeahh u lost alot of weight and look good now so guys are hitting on you more often" like what the hell?! I always looked good and I stay getting guys tryna talk to me..Im still the same person just look better!

this didnt happen (because Im not small yet) lol but its something I see comming...I can already see that people will have answers as to why things are going to be good for me...and these answers will refer to my new weight..but when I weighed more nobody had answers to the same situations

so I think your friends wife is just jealous and is looking for an answer to why her husband is talking to you..before it was because he wanted to be friends with you but now because u lost 160lbs she thinks he likes you

I would just not pay her any attention and keep doing what makes you happy

[canary1 0]

Please don't let this derail you. I have had to walk away from many "friends" whose friendship was based on political persuasion (they thought I viewed things one way and when they found out differently started harassing me); drug usage (I don't use); religion; other social factors.

At work, I had to keep myself distant from co-workers who had a real "us vs them" mentality (i.e. anyone who wasn't a cop was a criminal, even decent citizens). Somewhere in the mix, I am lucky to have life-long friends who know and love me for who I am. I haven't lost any friends due to my weight loss but if I did, I would let them go and just move on with my own journey.

I was going to suggest that you make new friends. Perhaps go to church -- or a new church -- where people don't know you from before. If your family is deep into a current church and they don't want to change, find a Wednesday night group to go to. Or join a hiking or book club.

Someone posted that s/he doesn't get close to people at work. I totally agree with that mode of operation. Work is work. Be polite and professional, take your paycheck home, but keep your social distance. I always did and am I ever glad. It saved me LOTS of trouble.

Finally, as formerly fat or bigger-than-we-wanted-to-be people, there is probably a psychological component that hasn't faded for you yet....or may never. You want everyone to love you.......or you want to please everyone.......I don't know, but if this rings a bell, I just beg you NOT to allow these tendancies to interfere with your wonderful progress. Your life is much better now. You have proved you can take yourself to a better place. Don't let yourself get derailed by the pettiness of others. Take the loss of your co-worker as you knew him into a true, professional relationship -- which doesn't necessarily mean you chat him up. You are just polite when you have business with him. It's already been proved that you AREN'T friends. But you can still be polite and cooperative in the work setting.

OK. That's my input. Hope something there makes sense. Most of all, congrats on a great effort, a great success, a great new life!!!

[FailureIsntAnOption 0]

There is some really good advice here.

My dad once told me that "familiararity breeds contempt". He didn't believe in being friendly with his neighbors or his co-workers and believed in keeping his business private. This is difficult to do if you are a friendly person by nature though it is excellent advice.

[HappyHomeCC 2]

that is unfortunate that this has happened but a lot is to be said about human nature....

Congratulations on your weightloss!

As a wise friend once said... there were problems in your relationship before I came along... that is why _____ has become so close to me... if the relationship was good it would never happen he or she is obviously looking for something they are not getting. So partly she needs to look in her own closet and find out why her husband may be looking! Or it could simply be her own insecurites.

Never the less I say avoid all appearances of "evil" and double check yourself and your interactions with him, and draw a line if needed.

Keep up the good work and as we grow and morphe if you will we need to gain new friends that meet our needs. Doesn't mean we forsake the old just means we are changing. I have friends that I have had for more than 30 yrs with at the same token I have many "best" friends that fulfill different facets of my life, they are all so different. It is cool.

hang in there. Don't allow her to derail what you have worked so hard for!

[hopeandhealing 0]

There is some really good advice here.

My dad once told me that "familiararity breeds contempt". He didn't believe in being friendly with his neighbors or his co-workers and believed in keeping his business private. This is difficult to do if you are a friendly person by nature though it is excellent advice.

oh gosh this makes me so sad. In my world, anyway, people are what count. Doesn't mean I have to be close to everyone, or even friends with everyone. But I hope and pray I continue to live in a world that values people over politics. I am currently in a work situation where many there belive in the "familiarity breeds contempt" adage. I have worked in MANY places over the years (I am almost 60) and this by far has been the hardest place I have ever worked. I think it is very possible to be friendly with out sacrificing the common good. In fact, I think friendliness greatly enhances the work place. Just my 2 cents for what it is worth. Take gentle care of you today, Dyanna

p.s. I have been married 40 years so should certainly hate my husband by now if that was true (that familiarity breeds contempt). Truth is I love him more now than ever. :biggrin:

[FailureIsntAnOption 0]

I'm quite sure my father wasn't referring to his spouse. He was meaning neighbors and work aquaintance's, that it was better to keep your personal life personal and your professional life professional. I have experienced some instances at work which led me to believe my father was right. Like I said, I am a very friendly person by nature so it is difficult for me to be totally private.

Edited July 29, 2009 by FailureIsntAnOption

[thereitgoes 0]

I have been warned by some of my friends that this will probably happen at some point (I have only been banded 1 month). I am sorry it happened to you, it sounds very hurtful. I guess we will all find out who our "real" friends are. Best of luck to you and congratulations on your success, you are doing fabulous!

[hopeandhealing 0]

I'm quite sure my father wasn't referring to his spouse. He was meaning neighbors and work aquaintance's, that it was better to keep your personal life personal and your professional life professional. I have experienced some instances at work which led me to believe my father was right. Like I said, I am a very friendly person by nature so it is difficult for me to be totally private.

please forgive me for feeling like i needed to respond to this. no excuses, just not feeling good and it hit a nerve with me because of my work situation. i truly :redface:am very sorry i offended you. take gentle care, Dyanna

and to the original poster of this thread, I am soooo sorry you are being treated this way. I am guessing this friends wife is very insecure for reasons other than you. You just happen to be a ready target. I am so sorry. PLEASE take gentle care of you, and run fast from those who would try to hurt you in any way. (that is after you punch them of course:tongue2: And BIG CONGRATS ON YOUR SUCCESS!!! Dyanna

[Delivered 0]

This has happened to me too. People whom I thought were my friends are now giving me "jealous/hater" looks. Also, I am not used to the male attention...they actually insist on opening doors for me. It's amazing.

People would be surprised to know that when I look in the mirror, I see the same overweight person.

[jlray 0]

Also, I am not used to the male attention...they actually insist on opening doors for me. It's amazing.

Isn't that crazy!? That hasn't happened so much to me yet, but it did the last time I lost a lot of weight and was at my smallest. I remember realizing that I had never been offered so much help - like reaching things on the top shelf at the grocery store, carrying a big box at work, etc. Can't wait to get there again.

I have a hater at work, too. She's actually pretty amazing herself - she's lost 100 pounds in the last 3 years with diet alone. She still considerably bigger than I am, but I can tell she's jealous. She'll announce to everyone at work how much weight she's lost in the last two weeks since she's started a "new diet," and I congratulate her. I never announce my weight loss to my co-workers unless they ask - that's just my preference. But if someone asks me how much weight I've lost in front of her and I tell them, she always steals the glory and says, "well I've lost a hundred and ____ pounds." I think she's at 115 pounds lost now. That's over double what I've lost, but it doesn't bother me. Hopefully her competitive nature will make me a motivation for her.