Very angry and needing advice

Geeta · August 1, 2005

I have a situation. I will not bore you with all the details and try to keep it to the point. I have a person in my life who I have been friends with for many years and have supported when no one else did. She has, for no apparent reason, decided to tell everyone we know that I have had this surgery even though I told her in confidence. I told her that I would be telling people as I was ready (as I don't have a problem with others knowing but it is my business who I tell and when I tell them).

The worse part is that as I have told people they obviously already know (I thought I was imagining it but I wasn't) and I have not known what to say. I finally said bluntly to a friend of mine "You already know this don't you because XXX told you" my friend admitted that I was correct and that she felt terrible being put in a situation to lie to me so she wasn't going to. She also told me that I was right, my other "friend" has a BIG mouth and I wasn't imagining anything.

I am angry and hurt and I don't know how to approach this woman who has been "calling to see if you need anything" everyday since I had my band put in. I have not returned her phone calls but she doesn't seem to get it. I am trying to get better and everytime that phone rings and I see her on the caller ID I feel like throwing it across the room. HOW DARE YOU! I feel like calling her and saying "The one thing I needed from you was to know I could trust you and you couldn't even do that!" But I also feel like calling her a few select four letter names I will leave off this board! This is why I need advice. What would you do? Has anyone else experienced this?

I am particularly appalled and stunned because the profession I and this woman both work in is all about confidentiality and trust. I am great at giving others advice but it's a lot harder when it is personal and I think the fact that I have been there for this woman through SO MUCH, particularly over the last two years (I have known her for seven!) is really making it hard for me to know how to approach this situation. Any advice? I am just too angry and still tired from recovering from surgery to think clearly and could use it.

Many thanks.

DevilMayKare · August 1, 2005

Oh gosh Geeta, that is a terrible betrayal.

I don't blame you a bit for being angry. I would be too. But I think after I calmed down a bit I would try to determine in my mind whether she told people because she just could not keep the secret or because she wanted to put me down. Either way it is understandable if you never want this person in your life again...but it does make a difference.

Maybe you should answer the phone next time she calls and just tell her that you know she told people what you told her in confidence and that--whatever her reasons--you are just too angry to talk with her right now.

Just give it some time as to when or if you talk to her again. You can decide that later. And, of course, don't trust her again.

vinesqueen · August 1, 2005

what a seeming contradiction in behaviours. One the one hand, you have this friend who is increadibly supportive of you. You do understand how rare it is to have someone who calls every day "just to make sure you don't need anything.."

On the otherhand, you needed her to be your confidant, your secret keeper. I think we all need someone like this at different times in our lives. It's just that we tend to choose humans as our secret keepers. And humans are flawed creatures. We sometimes have really big mouths and don't know when to keep it shut.

My sister told everyone in the family, and my friend told everyone at work, so there you go. I had only wanted to tell a fw people, and I wanted to be the one to tell. But my friend and sister had been worried about my health for a long time. and they were so happy that I was finally getting the band, finally going to get better

Your firend sounds so excited for you, it sounds like she is very proud of what you have done for yourself. Sometimes we forget to use good judgement when we are really happy for onesome.

feeling betrade is an emotion. You cannot reason with emotions, they just are.

I think that perhaps you should let your anger go. It isn't healthy to let it fester. I think you should probably tell her how hurt you feel, but use "I felt hurt" statements, not "you hurt me" statements.

paula · August 1, 2005

I am trying to get better and everytime that phone rings and I see her on the caller ID I feel like throwing it across the room. HOW DARE YOU!

Funny thing is that she isnt aware of your anger! I DEFINTELY agree with confronting her about this betrayel. Why wouldnt you? She needs to be aware of what she did wrong - thats the only way you will feel better, and next time she will know to keep her big mouth shut.

Dont worry, my sister did the same thing to me. And you are right, it does hurt. Sometimes people like to tell tales about others just to "make conversation".

princess_n_thep · August 1, 2005

My first thought when thinking about this psychologically is that your friend is scared and jealous. The acting out of place and betrayal is often times a man in someone's life but it could be attributed to a friend I suppose. Let me explain.... she was your "only" friend for a long time. She may think that this band is going to be a magic transformation that will make you skinny, popular, beautiful, socially demanded, etc etc. Therefore, she is afraid of losing her friend. She is having these feelings of being scared for losing you as her friend as you may be her only TRUE friend. Jealousy that others would be demanding your attention and friendship. Sooooooo, her act of betrayal may not be an act of betrayal at all but more of a cry of confusion in that she is having problems expressing her feelings to you only. So she talks about the band, to anyone who will listen.

Or... I have totally over analyzed the whole thing, given her way too much credit and she is just a huge big mouth who can't keep a secret.

On the other side, anger and stress always makes my band ache and get tighter. No fun. Let it go. Who cares who knows what. You have a happy healthy band tool. No biggie. It isn't like you went and got a sex transformation and wasn't telling someone about it. You simply had a weight loss procedure done. At first I was keeping it a big secret but that was tiring and caused too much work and stress over it. So now I just tell people if they want to know. Much easier.

Marimaru · August 1, 2005

Sitting and letting it fester isn't going to do you any good, and it's probably not doing her any good to not know that you are so angry and why you aren't returning her calls.

If it were me, I'd probably answer one of those calls and tell her that you were telling someone about your surgery and they already knew about it, and you know she was the only person you told.

I think I would not 'let this go' because for me, it says alot about anything I might have wanted to tell this person in confidence in the future. This was your story to tell... or not if you hadn't wanted to, it wasn't her business to tell everyone, unless you had said so.

But if you decide not to confront her on it, don't let the anger stay. Bitterness is nobody's friend. I hope you feel better soon.

Geeta · August 2, 2005

Hello again and thank you to everyone for the great advice. I really appreciate it. You all brought up a lot of interesting points, some of which I hadn't considered. I think you are correct that I need to say something. I thought about it today and it is the only way I will be able to release this anger I am feeling, I can't avoid her forever. I want to talk to her but I think I need a few more days to cool off. Then I am going to need to do a lot of soul searching to decide if I should keep this person in my life at all now that the trust is gone from the friendship. I've just never had anything like this happen to me, it's exhausting.

I also think part of why I am angry is that I realized that except for this incident with my friend I have been feeling very good since my surgery and recovering well (despite being tired). I am so pleased with it so far! But, at least for me, it's the emotional stuff that knocks me off my feet sometimes more than the physical. Unnecessarily draining. UGH. Thanks to everyone again for your support.

Oh, and I had my stitches out today - man are my incisions itchy!!!! It's like chicken pox when I was four! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mystyblu · August 3, 2005

Geeta,

I had a similar experience happen to me not too long ago. A very close friend of mine (well at the time she was) told some co-workers some very personal things I had told her in confidence. Naturally the co-worker being the gossip she is came running to me about it while the “friend” was on vacation so I had a little better than a week to calm down and think of how I was going to handle it. I realized it was not about confronting her with what she had done. It was about my need to express my feeling so that I could move on with my life. When she got back I had a long talk with her. Ok I admit I did most of the talking. I just let her know plainly and calmly that I learned of what she had done and said and let her know how that made me feel and how it diminishes our friendship. I let her know how it had hurt me and our friendship and that what she planed on doing from here on out was her decision. She is still a friend of mine but I don’t feel the need to tell her personal information any more. She told me she was very sorry for what she had done and I accepted that but we don’t talk much any more. Trust is a VERY big issue with me.

Regardless of your “friends” reasons for telling your personal information. It’s your info to tell, not hers. If you can’t trust her with this, what can you trust her with?????

Sorry for the rant but this issue hits close to home for me.

__________

Not banded yet.

Hopping to be banded in January 06

mercedes · August 3, 2005

I know how I am.

I forget sometimes which things I have promised to keep secret.

At least after time has passed I know that this can happen with me. So I try to remember that I am like this and that other people will likely share my secrets with others over time too..... that is if they are interesting enough secrets to tell : )

mousecrazy · August 3, 2005

Probably more coomments and advice than you were wanting, but my first thought was that she is just excited and proud of you, and wanted other people to know. Now, that's not right, since she knew what you wanted and expected. My suggestion is tot alk to her, sooner rather than later. Get your calm voice on, and just simply ask her why she did it, and then listen. There's doesn't need to be yelling and accusing. You don't need to ask her IF she did it, you know she did. So, just ask her why, and then listen. I bet you a nickel it wasn't to hurt you. If it was, well, she's not a friend. If she goofed up, then forgiveness is the best policy. There's my 2 cents' worth....Cindy

Barb · August 3, 2005

Here's another 2 cents worth. First, when I am really mad I try the 24 hour rule and not do or say anything for 24 hours, I usually have a little different approach then. I try and remember that I need to treat others like I would want them to treat me. If I screwed up I want to know it. I try and always say "we" instead of "you," "me," or "I." Such as "We have been through a lot togther" instead of "I have been there so many times for you." or "I have never betrayed your trust."

One of the better things in life is friendship and the only way to have a friend is to be one, so take some time to calm down and call your friend and talk.