Why are so many not telling friends and family about being banded

[heartfire 4]

Like a couple of others, I've only told a few people. I feel I have a WONDERFUL support system in my DH and my mom and the few friends that I told. I've not told my dad or sister or the rest of my family and don't plan on it. My DH insisted on telling his folks b/c he felt they should know in case something happened during surgery and they've been very supportive as well but I would have preferred them not to know. I'm also a very private person and don't feel every one should know our business. I'm more of an "only need to know basis" type of person.

Another, minor reason for not telling the world is that I don't want the constant scrutiny of what I'm eating, how much and what I have or haven't lost, or how fast. That happened on WW and I will NOT go through that again. I was constantly defending what I was eating, how much of it and being asked how much I'd lost. It was nuts!

Telling the world or not telling the world, telling only a few or not telling any one is fine. It's up to the person going through the process. You need to do what is best for YOU and only you!

I am reading into your post (and I'm not sure I'm taking it right, so bear with me!) that you feel by telling no one or only a few people that there is no support system. If I'm correct, I just want to let you know that my best support system are the few who know about the surgery and support me 100%. Telling everyone (for me) would just be fluff and possible negativity and I don't need that in my life.

Thanks for your post! Have a beautiful day! And best wishes on your upcoming surgery!

Edited October 23, 2008 by heartfire

[chicamam1 1]

Hi all. My name is Jackie, I am a lurker but have posted as I am in the process of being banded as well.I keep reading post by people who are keeping their surgery a secret? I don't understandy why? I would think people would want the support system of their friends and family? After all from my understand there is nothing to be ashamed of in taking this extra step to help us lose weight to improve our health and overall life?I have told my close friends at work, my personal close friends, and most of my family. I want their support - I would think that would be easier. I don't want to lie to anyone when they ask me how I lost the weight becuase I am sure we will all get that question?Just want to find out why keeping this a secret is a good idea? I mean did I do wrong by telling people in my life?

my whole family knows. ive told almost everyone i could tell. im so proud of my band but i can tell you there are a few people at work that dont really respond that great to me losing weight but hey.. this is my life not theirs. lol. i tend not to talk about it as much with them around because i think its hard for them to see me losing weight and they cant. i have one friend who started a diet and we were eating lunch and she made a comment saying. well im not going to starve myself to lose weight. ( she doesnt understand why i dont eat as much or the same things i used to) however.. im far from starving but there is the mindset of some people. anyhoo. i can see why some people choose to not really talk with others about it.

[adamsmom 4]

If I thought everone in my family would be supportive of this I would tell hem--ditto for friends. I think they will br nrgative and try to talk me out of it--this I need even less than not having support. At work, I do not dicsuss personal stuff: business and personal stuff do not mix. I will get a doctor's note if i need to take time off, but my employer does not have the right to have all the details.

[BellaBean 0]

I wish I could tell people I really do! My family is not very understanding. In fact to this day I am picked on by them about everything. From my choice in husbands to my choice of lettuce (seriously I was picked on because I prefer iceburg). I brought it up a year ago and they scolded me. You are lucky to have people who will support you.

[Thegirlnextdoor 0]

This is something i'm struggling with as well. I'm having surgery on November 3rd but have only told a hand full of people. The reason why I haven't spread the news so much is ,1. I wanted to make sure I actually got approved,2.I'm tired of people judging other people who had weight loss surgery,for example,somehow that's taking the easy way out,which I've heard several people at work mentioning.Well I guess those 2 reasons are the main reasons but basically is what it boils down to ,is I don't want to hear the negative crapt.

[volcano lady 0]

I, too, have only told a few close people because I really don't have the answers they would ask. I'm not positive I'd be approved, would I opt for bypass? Can't say now because I'd rather not.

If I get a date, I'll probably tell the rest of my family and friends. When people comment on my weight loss, small appetite, etc. I'll probably have to fess up.

I am a teacher and work at a school with 1,500 people who will want to comment on any drastic change in my appearance. High school students are especially vocal and curious and not afraid to ask embarrassing or inappropriate questions. I don't see how I can keep this a secret. I figure the sooner they know, the sooner they'll leave me be.

[joannelh 0]

I have been very selective about who I have told about my upcoming surgery (feb/09), mostly because I am a private person and fairly shy. A few very close friends know, and have been supportive. Part of my reluctance is that I am financing this myself and have decided not to tell people how much I'm paying for it. I guess there is also the fear of failure. Once I have the surgery and am comfortable with my new way of eating and seeing results, I will probably tell more people. I also don't want to be part of work place gossip - 3 people have had the surgery and have had varying degrees of success. I don't want people knowing about the surgery and judging everything that goes into my mouth. Lastly, I haven't told my parents (meaning my mom ) because my weight has always been a huge issue between us - the basis of much emotional abuse ( "no man will ever love you if you're fat") and name calling ("tub of lard"). Through counselling I have come to see that I am doing this for myself, not so she can be proud of me and certainly not for her approval. I have a feeling I will naturally evolve to a point where I am proud of the changes I've made and will share my story to help others struggling, but for now my comfort lies in selected silence. Thanks for listening. This was theraputic.-joanne

[bjperkins54 0]

I've been telling everyone about it -- I'm excited. I think sometimes when you tell folks, you hear "well you need to speak to so-and-so -- they did it and had a terrible time!!". I just smile and let them know that I've done my research, and I realize that until it's done I don't know what my experience will be....but this is right for ME. As my sweet Mom told a dear friend when she got upset about me having this surgery -- "Becky is smart, she's done her reserach, and I trust that she is making a smart choice for herself"....gotta love that Mom support! :thumbup:

[dietpeach 0]

I would ask the opposite question - why would I want to tell the world? I've told only my immediate family, and I plan to tell nobody else. My family is extremely supportive, yet even they sometimes say things that bother me. In fact, my mother talked me out of doing this surgery three years ago, and only now she admits it was a mistake and she should have supported me.

It does bother me every time someone in my family says something like, wow you'll still be able to eat that after surgery?? Or on the contrary - you mean there are foods you'll have to give up forever?? This statement usually comes with a shocked, pitying stare - I don't want pity. There's certainly no harm meant, and nothing mean was said, but I don't like being under a microscope, and I don't like people analyzing what I eat anymore than they would like me analyzing what they eat.

If even a loving supportive family can be negative or insensitive, can you imagine what casual acquaintances might say? Or people who I can't stand altogether - and once one person knows, everyone knows. They'll be looking to see if you fail - and according to the info session I attended, 20% of people do fail with the band. As much as I want to succeed, I have no way of knowing that I will. There are certain people who I'd be embarrassed to see me do something they consider "drastic" and then fail. And if you do succeed, those same people will say, "Well, she didn't do it on her own anyway - she took the easy way out." I would not want to constantly get questioned about what I can or cannot eat. And I would certainly not want to hear from skinny people, "You have a port? Eww!"

Not everyone is nice. I'm sure you've found that out. And even people who are on your side can be insensitive. That's forgiveable and only human, so I did tell me family even though I expect they'll occasionally get on my nerves inadvertantly. But as for the rest of the world, it's not their business.

I'm more of a private person. Maybe you're more of an open book personality. Either way, I certainly hope it works out well for you. Good luck!

[gentylwind 1]

I am not telling very many people. My mother, my significant other, my older brother and a few select friends. I learned when I very first started looking into the band a few years ago and talked about the potential of it, the negative backlash was huge. I don't need any more angst going into this nor after it. Its a big enough change without having to defend myself or worry about gossip.

[laurigee 545]

I thought telling everyone was okay. But I am kind of sick of hearing people say that "If they had the money, they could be thin to". Or "it's the easy way out". No one is there watching me exercise for over an hour every day. Call me petty but I would like some of the credit. Very few people have said anything about the way I have transformed my body because to alot of people I'm considered a "Cheater". My immediate family is very supportive and I would definately tell them, but I would probably not tell anyone else. Again, it's a very personal choice.