So...I have this friend...

[tonyahebert 1]

And we are basically the same weight, and have battled with it for our adult lives. About six months ago, there was a WLS seminar and she called me out of the blue and wanted me to go with her...she had these big dreams of us having bypass or lapband together. I flat out told her that I would never have surgery, but I would go with her and give her my opinion on what the doctor had to say. I left there with not a great opinion of this particular doctor, and still with the opinion that I would never have surgery. *At the time, I thought it was too radical*

Fast forward three months later...I went out with some friends to a club and there were pictures taken...I am usually the one behind the camera, so when these pictures were put up on myspace, I freaked out. I could not believe how big I was...isn't that funny? I knew the scale said 240 pounds, but I just didn't realize how 240 pounds looked when "Shorty Got Low" in the Jack Daniels Bar and Grill. I immediately began researching WLS. In a matter of 12 hours I had decided to DO IT. Within a matter of a week, I was scheduled for my surgery. *I am going to Mexico--self-pay* I haven't told many people I am doing this, but the first person I told was my friend who I had originally gone to the seminar with...I was all for us doing the "buddy" lap-band. Well, I was immediately told that I was crazy for going to Mexico, and there was no way in hell that she would go there. Well, she has insurance and but it won't cover WLS, but she has the money to fork out to have the surgery in the US. I asked her to do it in the US, while I did it in Mexico so we could still do it together. Nope, she couldn't so that...They were going to pay off their house this year...

Things between us kind of got...weird. IDK...she started acting different. Well, this weekend, we went to the lake together. For some reason, she got pissed off at me. I have replayed it in my mind a hundred times. I didn't do anything. I tried calling her the next day, *before I knew she was pissed* and thought it was strange cause she wouldn't answer the phone, or emails, or messages on myspace. But her husband was home and it was not unusual for her not to take my calls while he was there...*I am single--widowed actually* I mentioned to my daughter that I thought Rene was pissed about something...My daughter and hers are extremely good friends, so she asked her daughter why Rene was mad at me. *Isn't this ridiculous?* The daughter said "My mom just doesn't approve of some of the things yours does."

I am just freaked out here. We went from a nice day at the lake to not speaking. It is just so bizarre. I know a lot of you are reading this and thinking "there had to be something else". There wasn't. We left before Rene and her kids did, me telling her I would call her later, she saying ok.

So...the whole point of me telling you all this is...

Has anyone else had a similiar problem with friends becoming distant. Weird. Ridiculous...How did you deal with it? Do I just let the friendship go without a fight? If I knew what I had done, it would be one thing--but I didn't do anything. I have never gossiped about her. I know her secrets. And trust me, she has some doozies. WTF????

[GoMe 0]

My first thought is that it sounds like she's jealous as her insurance doesn't cover the surgery, she can't self-pay, and now you're doing it when it was her idea to start with. Best of luck to you as you begin this next chapter in your life.

[blueriley 0]

I agree it sounds like jealousy. She wanted to have this surgery first and now you are, she is just upset and probaly deep down not even at you really- she needs to deal with issues surrounding her weight.YWIM?

[juliegeraci 7]

I would give it some time. She definitely is jealous.

[anonemouse 1]

Yep, she's jealous. And I know it really hurts, but think of it this way.... If she gets over it and becomes a friend again, you know you've got a good friend. If she doesn't, you know you're better off without her.

[Wheetsin 714]

It really doesn't sound like jealousy much to me. When you have disposable income, there's always a choice involved in what to do with it. Having the money for surgery, and options to do something like pay off a house, doesn't seem like a situation to me that would engender jealousy.

What it does sound like to me is concern, though I'm not sure that's the right word, and or disdain for your choice to go to Mexico. I would guess she's fine with you having WLS, but is now thinking differently of you because of your choice of location. Mention Mexico and what's the first thing people think - Ugh, I wouldn't drink the Water there, let alone be cut open. It's almost like a WLS caste system, with "Mexico patients" being the second or third class citizens over those who were banded in the states or even abroad, other than Mexico. (I was banded in the US, so this isn't me trying to validate MX surgeries).

[plain 12]

Seems like a minor thing upon which to end a friendship, but .....that's her problem, right? BTW, I love your name. Do you pronounce it in the cajun way ( A-bear )? I went to HS with a girl that was named Hebert, and her family had a sandwich shop that was awesome!!

Just realized I tend to get a little off-topic. If you want to salvage the friendship with Renee (and to be honest....if she pouts over stuff this petty....I'm not sure I would) just ask her "Why are you mad at me? Have I done something that I didn't realize?". That puts the ball in her court, at least.

[txjanaa1 0]

I have never been in your situation, but it seems to me as well, that she is a little jealous. Maybe only because you are doing it first as someone said above. This is for YOU and for YOU only!!! You have to feel good about yourself and don't make your decision or feel bad about getting this surgery, because someone may or may not disagree with you for wanting to make this move...

Please be careful while in Mexico. Have you already scheduled the surgery? Who is the Dr.? I have heard good things and bad about going to Mexico. I'm not trying to discourage you from going there in ANY way...just make sure (which I am sure you have) you do lots and lots of research on the Dr. and the facility you will have it at. Is someone driving you there?

[tonyahebert 1]

Thanks for all the replies...I have just been blown away by this...

Plain, I pronounce my name He-Bert--my husbands family is from Beaumont, Tx...but I live on the border with Louisiana, (my bank is actually in La) and it is easier for me to adjust to being called A-bear, then it is to correct everyone who says it this way, lol.

She was very contemptuous about my decision to go to Mexico, but like I told her...I am no dummy. I have done my research. This is perfectly safe. I am not travelling to a border town but rather going interior (Monterrey).

Jana, My surgery is Saturday. I can't wait. I am flying out of Houston early Friday morning. I am actually going alone, but there will be other Americans that are being banded at the same time, so I won't actually be alone-alone. lol.

Wish me luck. I can't wait!

[Kat817 19]

I have a couple that I am close friends with that were banded in Monterrey. They had a very good experience. I was banded in Mexicali, also with a wonderful experience and great results.

My loss was not overnight, it took 2 years to achieve what I had only hoped for before.

I will readily admit, when my friend first mentioned what she was doing and where, I thought she had lost her ever loving mind!!! But she went on to tell me about her research, and invited me to look into what and where she was going. She was my first knowledge of both the band as a well as Mexico as a locale for surgical procedures.

I knew her to be meticulous in her handling of things, so I tried to keep an open mind----and I began researching and learning of banding on my own. I had insurance coverage, and planned a surgery in the US----but when 10 1/2 months into a 12 month supervised weight loss program, I was in an accident, requiring surgery----they told me I would have to begin the 12 months all over!! I received a settlement from the accident, and with it, I chose to go to MX. I could have afforded surgery in the US at that point, but could not justify the cost difference----while knowing what I could do with the money otherwise!

I researched, and made my choice, and have never been sorry.

I would take a wild guess, that your choices have put you in somewhat of a no win situation with your friend. You chose something she cannot agree with, and now many things you choose to do will be colored due to the choice she does not agree with. If she was already irritated with you, maybe she thought you left too early, you should have stayed and helped clean up, or maybe she thought you felt like you had better places to go, so you left early. No one likely knows what REALLY ticked her off----and the only one who can let go of it is her. She will hear how you are doing through the DD's. Always be pleasant when asking about her, and let your success tell your story.......

Sad to say, your situation is not unique. Not defending her attitude, but it is HARD to watch others succeed regardless of how, when you want so badly to do the same......

Maybe in time she will come around, when she sees you felt strong enough in your choice to go through with it even without her!

Good Luck on your upcoming surgery!!!

Kat

[anonemouse 1]

I honestly think that a reason that she may be jealous is because you are able to do this with no input from anyone else, that you're able to just decide to do it and do it. She, on the other hand, has a husband who has to have input into monetary decisions. I wouldn't doubt a bit that she probably got overruled on having surgery in favor of paying off her house. That, to me, seems to be the most likely reason that she's angry with you. Otherwise, her reaction seems rather extreme to just be a reaction to you having surgery in Mexico rather than the United States.

[Oregondaisy 2,020]

I don't see why as Plain said, you can't just ask her. If she won't take your phone calls ( and if you care enough to save the friendship) send her a card. There are all sorts of "thinking of you type cards" Just write in the card that you don't understand what is going on or whatever you would like to say to her.

I have done that before and resolved problems with people.

[Banded14yr 2]

Tonya,

I'm sorry that you're going through this with your best friend. At a time where you really need her support, I'm sure it's confusing for you.

After reading what happened, I too believe that she is just envious that you are able to get the Lapband and because she isn't, she isn't handling it very well.

I hope in time you two can get everything resolved. You may just need to give her some space and time, but let her know that you're there for her whenever she's ready to talk.

Take care and congratulations on your upcoming surgery!

Tricia

[tonyahebert 1]

An update on my saga with the friend...While I was in Mexico, she resorted to the most high school-ish of tactics that I have completely written her off as a friend. I don't even want to repeat what she did cause I feel so STUPID have to even say it...Let me just say that it involved MySpace and the posting of blogs that were hurtful to me as well as my family and friends. I have a close group of friends--there were five of us and she contacted each and every one of them and tried to "turn" them against me by telling them lies and embellishing on half truths. All of my friends (who were her friends also) were able to recognize the fact she was lying but now they are scared to death to defend me cause of the way she did me...I left high school 20 years ago, and I am in no way mad at my friends who are scared to defend me because the things she did were so terrible, embarrassing, you name it. She was vicious.

Anyhow...I will live. It has caused me to re-evaluate every word that comes out of my mouth...I refused to stoop to her level and I very well could have...the only comment I made was in a blog about random things going on in my life...#2 was "Monterrey was a cool experience. I lost 240lbs before my surgery" (referring to her weight, lol) and #3 was "Who knew 240lbs could by psycho".

Life goes on...It will only make losing weight feel that much better, lol.

[plain 12]

that's sad, tonya Hee-bert....but I've realized that there are very few people worth investing time in, anyway. For her to pull some lame MySpace drama is laughably pathetic, and makes me think that perhaps you had overestimated how good a friend / person she is (especially if the others in the group are "afraid" of her ire as well)!