Relationship questions

CaramelDiva1922 · April 20, 2005

Okay my So, nad I got into a really big fight this week. We still haven't resolved it yet, but plan to this week end. It is a long distance relationship. He says that if I ask someone else, that they'll agree with him, so I will ask you guys.

My SO has a person that he sometimes associate with and I don't like him. The associate and I had bumped heads several times before I met my SO, and had some very negative words. I will not tolerate him at all now because of some of the things that he has said to me. I also told SO what those things were, and why I felt so strongly about them. It was an emotional thing for me to do, because a lot of it stemed from my childhood, and I have always considered emotion a weakness, so I have never shown any until I met SO. His view is that although I don't like the associate that because he is my SO, and he needs me to do something for him that involves the associate that I should still do it anyway because I love, and care for him instead of not doing because the associate is involved. My View is this is something that you know that I would be unwilling to do, so why ask. This is one thing that I am not willing to do, out of all the many thingas that I have done, and will do. Why can't you accept that.

Please give me your input. If youneed more info. I could give you more.

Thanks

Charnita

DeLarla · April 20, 2005

Relationships are all about give-and-take on one hand, which goes along with making sacrifices.

On the other hand, each person needs to maintain their own identity.

I don't feel that you should be forced to tolerate the associate. Let your SO know that you love and care for him, but the associate is "toxic" to you. He wouldn't force you to drink poison, so why should you be exposed to something that will harm you (either physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually?)

Sounds to me like the associate might even know he's torturing you to some degree. Maybe he's even holding something over your SO because he enjoys the friction he's creating?

Alexandra · April 20, 2005

I 100% agree with DeLarla. This is the kind of fight my ex-husband and I should have had but didn't. I say should have, because if I'd stuck to my guns and stayed away from his friends I hated, our relationship would have been over before we got married (which would have been a good thing). As it was, I just figured it was a compromise that partners make for one another--of course, it wasn't one he was willing to make for my friends he didn't like, except very infrequently. If we'd fought about it rather than my just being the one to always bend, I'd have recognized our true incompatibility earlier on.

That said, it IS a compromise partners should make for one another, ON OCCASION. My DH's oldest friend is a know-it-all type I'm not very fond of, but their relationship goes so far back they're more like brothers than anything else. What can I say? I have friends like that too. But if the associate who bothers you is really a poison pill, it shouldn't be a problem for your SO to accept that too. It should never be a one-way street.

Is this a one-shot thing? Or are you talking about hanging out with this person you don't like? I might be willing, were I in your shoes, to do something as a favor if it was quick and wouldn't be repeated. It might be easy enough to take the high road once. But if doing this favor means repeated or long-term involvement with the negative person, I'd say no and expect my partner to accept that.

dylansmom · April 20, 2005

I agree with what both Lisa and Alex said. Very sage advice!

Zoe · April 20, 2005

His view is that although I don't like the associate that because he is my SO, and he needs me to do something for him that involves the associate that I should still do it anyway because I love, and care for him instead of not doing because the associate is involved.

Wait a minute, Charnita -- how come you're the one who's supposed to be doing all the compromising here? You haven't demanded that your SO stop all contact with Mr. Associate. No, all you've done is just ask to be excluded from anything involving the guy. Does SO think that he should give up all contact with Associate because he loves and cares for you? I thought not.

I think you're being extremely reasonable. SO still can have Mr. Associate in his life, but you don't have to. (Sorry, I don't even know you, much less the men in question; this just got under my skin!)

vinesqueen · April 20, 2005

I think it would depend on what the occasion was, and how special it was for your SO. If he just wants you to hang out with him, I would say, "thanks, but no thanks."

BeachBabe(soon) · April 20, 2005

Your feelings are valid, if your really uncomfortable around this guy, SO should respect that and not make you so something that makes so miserable. Your feelings come first.

CaramelDiva1922 · April 20, 2005

Finally someone see my views. It seems that I am always the one compromising. And I hate that. Lisa you have good point about the poison. I plan to use that as aqn example when we talk this weekend. What makes it so bad is that he doesn't really care for the associate either, but he endures him because they have mutual friends, and I think that he feels that I should too. This is really hard for me because I love my SO, and I know that he loves me. Anything other problems we have we always talk, and work out, but this is the only thing that we bump heads on. What I said to him was, "I am willing to do anything that you ask me as long as it doesn't involve him in any way. Out of all the things that you have asked me to do this is the one thing that I am not willing to do, and I can't understand why you would ask me to do something that you already now that I am opposed to doing in the first place." I hate the associate. His name makes me want to vomit. I told my SO that if the associate was stranded on the road, and I stopped ( not knowing that it was him, because if I did I would have made sure that I kicked dust on him and kept going) and he asked me for a ride, and said that he would pay me $5000 I would leave him stranded. One of his issues is that I would give the associate that much of my emotions to make me feel that way. He said that I am acting childish. I disagree. We will see each other this weekend, and this conversation will be the #1 thing on our to do list. We will not do anything else until this issue is resolved.