Anyone notice a difference on how you are treated once you start losing weight?

aubrie · April 8, 2008

I was thin once. At age 24 I weighed 118, so I know what it feels like. I know how nice it is to pick cute clothes off the rack. I have to also say, I also know what it's like to have lots of friends. When I was thin I had numerous friends and had a very active social life. Shopping, movies, trips, lunch out, interesting outtings, dinner parties, Saturday morning coffe, with girlfriends. I think the most disturbing thing I have found about becoming very large is that I ended up with very few friends. It has broken my heart on more than one occasion. I would make the same moves towards friendships when I met someone new, and got very little as a response. I found myself in tears and lonely more than once. I've sat in movie theaters alone with tears streaming down my face on several occasions, wishing I had someone to share a chick flick with. Over time, I quit asking because the rejection was to painful. Currently, I have 2 or 3 quality friends that I treasure, that don't measure my worth by my weight. Unfortunately, one of those lives about 100 miles away. But I remember a day when I had 10 times that. It's VERY sad, but true. The girls in my office seem to resent my weight loss. They don't even mention it. They NEVER include me in anything. The men on the other hand, compliment me regularly and have just about become my cheerleading squad. It's the weirdest thing I think I have ever experienced. I was a sociology major in college, and this is a very interesting observation in social behavior. Time will tell, If other women become more receptive to me as I continue to lose. I suspect they will, but it will definately leave a bitter taste in my mouth, and I will probably be a lot more distrustful and guarded with any friendships that do develop. I hate that. My husband has been pretty concerned and fretful about all this, but I'm sure he'll be relieved when the tides change. It will take the pressure off him to be "everything" to me. I'm starting to ramble here so I'm going to shut up, but this is a damn good thread!

ladybug3 · April 8, 2008

This is a toughie for me. Like others said, I treat MYSELF so much better now that it's hard to know whether I was really treated differently because of my weight or because of my attitude and self-hatred. My FIL says I'm now more like the person I was when I first got married. I think I'm more friendly now, more outgoing, less judgemental and less negative. I think that makes me more attractive to people, men and women alike. I know I spend WAAAY less time thinking about how much worse I look than other people. I don't compare myself as much and am not so down on myself. In fact, I spent the weekend recently with a friend and two of her friends, one of whom is a yoga/pilates teacher and the other is a personal trainer! But not once did I berate myself for not being as pretty, as fit, as whatever, as the other girls. Instead, I enjoyed my too-big clothes (I have nothing that fits right now) and my ability to walk all over the place and got fitness advice from them!

I was never the one to get lots of male attention, even when I was more thin and single. So I haven't noticed anything different in that, and since I'm married, I don't really care. And my friends are my friends, regardless of my weight.

I guess people do treat me differently now, but I don't think my weight was the primary reason, except as how it affected my own sense of self. However, I was not severely obese. I do think truly obese people are discriminated against and treated differently, regardless of their friendliness or disposition.

Kelgirl68 · April 8, 2008

I'm not quite there yet to say if it makes a difference or not. I haven't been 'skinny' since my teens and then I really didn't pay attention. I will say that when I see someone who is heavy now I seem to think to myself "boy would a band do them good". I don't do it consciously it just kinda comes to me. Don't know if that makes me 'bad' for thinking that or any better than the skinny people out there??? I certainly don't mean it maliciously, I just know how much it helped me.

Any thoughts?

Kel

pvbrownsugar04 · April 8, 2008

Well, I have not quite begun the lapband journey yet, but I am excited. As far as others treating me differently, I am not sure. Listening to media, other people and reading various forumsmessage boards, I would say that I have been treated differently. I just have nothing to compare it to since I have been overweight for about 20 of my 25 years. I would like to think that I have good friends in my life, the job i wanted and overall contentment. Maybe its my Christian upbringing to be thankful for what I have, but I will admit that sometimes, things dont seem right. Like when someone made the comment about guys paying more attention to the slimmer friends in the group when we go on outings. Maybe it is a confidence issue, we think we have it, but it just increases that much more after the weight is lost and others can tell.

I dont know....thats a hard one.

bebe719 · April 9, 2008

Of course people treat you differently when you're fat!

I have this story that I love to tell. Several years ago, I was 9 months pregnant - past my due date - and driving around in a crappy little car. The car died right in the middle of an intersection in a very hilly area. I was at the bottom of the hill, and my only option was pushing it back uphill (the other directions were freeway on/offramps). This was my 3rd child, and my weight always fluctuated... and I took to wearing plus sized clothing instead of maternity clothes, as I could still wear them after the baby was born. I wasn't HUGE, but slightly over 200 lb. (the baby weighed over 10 lb. at birth). My "skinny" weight is 150.

Anyway... a cop drove by and was very rude to me telling me that I'd better move the car out of the intersection, or he was going to ticket me. I told him I was unable to push it up the hill, and he yelled at me. I told him that I was 9 months pregnant, and simply could not do it.

He then apologized, saying "Oh, sorry... I didn't know you were pregnant" and helped me push the car.

So he didn't want to help when he thought I was just fat. Also, nobody else stopped to help (despite blocking that intersection for about 15 min.), they all just drove around me. But when I'm thin, I have no problem with roadside assistance.

People really suck sometimes. *sigh*

destiny79 · April 9, 2008

I work in the banking industry and deal with regular customer, I have been told I look like a different woman so many times, and now men are always flirting now. :rolleyes:

snuffy65 · April 9, 2008

*Disclaimer: I am Obese right now but have been skinny for a few years.

For people who say its appalling the way the general public treats obese people is wrong. It isn't the commercials on TV, it isn't what people are taught in schools. It's all in the genes. People are drawn and try to surround themselves with healthy people.

All those cartoons and stories we were shown and read to as a child always taught us what? To 'not judge a book by its cover". But deep down our basic instincts tell us other wise.

Men for instance. MOST men who are in a relationship and are sexually active with their partner, STILL feel compelled to check other women out when they walk by. Now, I know alot of you will say "my man doesn't do that". But that doesn't prove anything. Cause even if your man doesn't check other women out, the point is deep down he wants to and had to make a concious effort not to. Yes, nice, courteous, men will not check other women out when and even when not, out with their partners. Doesn't mean the urge is not there.

It's not only men that have issues. Money and power have the same effects on women. When I was skinny, at my job I was just out of college and wasn't making much money. I was skinny but no women would approach me at work. I gained about 50 pounds that year and then got a promotion into upper management position. Even though I was overweight women started to flirt with me. Pinching my butt, acting all silly with me, to the point they were obviously wanting me to ask them out.

Am i saying all men based their entire social circle on looks? NO. Am I saying all women base their social circle on power and wealth? NO.

However, media, schooling, and other influential parts of our society have developed around our basic instincts. For years we saw movies, TV shows, and commercials where women fell for men in suits and tuxes, or always been quoted saying "I love a man in a uniform". This isn't by accident. Suits and tuxes project wealth/power, where "uniforms" projected power/command. All basic needs for women seeking a family with a man who is healthy and able to provide.

Also, all those moves and commercials about men smacking into a pole after staring at a hot women walking by in a bikini or "hot outfit". The hottest outfits out there accentuate the breasts, tight mid section, and hips. All these are important aspects for a man because it shows health and ability to carry their child.

I know relationships don't work out this way all the time. Over our basic instincts are layers of social influences that stray us away.

However, this almost "subconscious" shift in attitude people have towards you is nothing that should be demonized, but celebrated. The presence of these basic instincts is what keeps pressure on our society to promote health and the longevity of the human race. For billions of years species lived on with one basic premise: "survival of the fittest". We are the first species/social entity to stray from this premise.

Think of the attitude changes of people a "reminder" that "survival of the fittest" pertains to us as well.

MollyTaMolly · April 9, 2008

I have been heavy my whole life and although I have never struggled in friendships, I do feel it has affected me in my job and dating. I feel job wise that people assume you are lazy or don't have a professional look regardless of how you dress or present yourself. Our society is definitely one to show favortism to looks over intelligence often.

When it comes to dating relationships, to be honest part of what I think affects that is my insecurities about being heavy, but overall can I really blame a guy for wanting a fit woman? No. Because do I find myself really attracted to heavy men? Not usually. Sure I might end up being attracted to them based on their personality, but the initial attraction is generally not there. I think it is the same for men. Yes, you can overcome the weight and see past it to the great personality but the initial attraction isn't always there.

So I will be excited to see what happens when the weight comes off. I think I will become more confindent. I am confident in my personality and who I am, but it will be nice to be confident in my body as well.

mandilou · April 9, 2008

While I respect your perspective, and do recognize human behavior as inherent, TO AN EXTENT... I do not think that:

1) a man wanting to f*** you in private and not admit you're dating in public should be "celebrated"

2) a woman telling a guy he's too fat, but could he introduce her to his friend should be "celebrated"

3) being a public pariah, stared at/ignored should be "celebrated"

4) worrying about getting a job because of prejudices should be "celebrated"

If the argument you make is 100% true, and we really go with inherent traits being dominant, women would cheat when ovulating to ensure reproduction, men would bed multiple women and refuse monogomy in order to carry on the species, and we'd also be eating fruits, nuts, berries and wild game. But, that's not the case. Why? Sociology, evolution (if you prescribe to such a thing as I do), mass media, marketing... etc.

I suppose in some ways it's a "chicken before the egg" situation, and there's no clear answer. But I think that marketing, social norms and expectations, and our own human tendency to put people into catagories for easier future reference (e.g. stereotyping), play major roles in this as well.

Blaming it soley on genes or inherent human behavior is just irresponsible.

That being said, I do admire you for posting what most likely could prove to be an unpopular opinion, but offering it up just the same.

-M

-----

As an aside, I personally have never found heavier people especially attractive, so I don't blame men for not finding me attractive, either. I don't find myself attractive, and I sure don't feel as "professional" looking in the workplace when I have to wear clothes that hide the fact that I am actually a whale who can type fast, while my two closest female co-workers are thin, Banana-Republic addicted fashion plates. But... I have plenty of my OWN issues with my appearance, which I am sure I project onto other heavy people. Not fair, but I do it.

Edited April 9, 2008 by mandilou

Marimaru · April 9, 2008

I think snuffy makes some good points, but at the same time, what is projected in the media as a 'good looking woman' half the time isn't even possible. There are those sites out there where the artists edit the images of the models and you can see the before and after. The ones that catch my attention the most are the ones where the model is in position that causes her skin to crease, say leaning toward one side so that there's a crease in her midsection. The artist brushes out that crease, and now the model looks great, but it's physically impossible to stand that way and look like that. Or will actually repaint an entire area to look different, like how her breasts settle in certain areas, or how perky her ass is. So even for the models that our youth strives to look like, it's physically impossible to look how they do on a magazine cover. That just totally blows my mind. We are striving for the impossible, quite literally.

Anywho, just had to get that out. To the original topic, I'm a size 14 from a 24, and I do notice a difference. I get compliments on outfits or my hair from complete strangers. I went to get a new drivers' license the other day and so I needed a new picture and the girl who took it told me the picture came out really cute. Cute. Me? Bizarre. Doors held open, having multiple clerks in a store ask me if I need anything, people saying things to me in the grocery store, or some place like that where they previously might have pretended I didn't exist.

It's rather odd. I used to try to be invisible, which I think does give off a certain aura that probably makes people tend to ignore you. Now I'm not particularly trying to be seen, but I don't want to be invisible either, and I'm rather liking the attention. I don't really like the attention from guys when I have to be in a seedier part of town, probably mostly because of the way they handle themselves, but then you don't really get to choose, lol.

destiny79 · April 9, 2008

other people and myslelf included always seen myself has attractive even at 305lbs I have always got complements on how cute my face was, but I love feeling like a woman now, being able to wear a dress and have a waist, I never had low self esteem, I wanted more for myself for my health and it don't hurt when a guy says you are HOT:thumbup:

smwww · April 9, 2008

Lillianya, I couldn't have said it any better. I agree with you on everything.

I just spoke with my husband about this last night. I am glad I am not in the dating scene anymore. My husband met me when I was much bigger than I am now and married me. All of a sudden guys at my job are acting a fool because my shape is coming out more and more. I enjoy looking good to myself. I am not trying to look good for no one else. I can do without the comments and looks I get from men. It is very uncomfortable to me and I my husband sometimes I want to wear my bigger clothes to cover up my new shape to lessen the attention I have been getting. I am proud of myself but I do without the doggish ways of the men.

OH Juli · April 9, 2008

We have evolved, we are hit with multiply messages about how to look, and we are not just primates running around with signals from our ganglia. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

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The point of this thread is, are you treated differently on how you look depending on you size. <o:p></o:p>

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Yeah, to those who have not felt the sting of invisibility, the hostile disgusted looks, or the pity, like are you going to die huffing up these steps. <o:p></o:p>

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But most heavy folks have had something negative happen to them based entirely on how they were perceived. It stands to reason mild curtsies would be noticeable as the weight drops. <o:p></o:p>

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Even as a woman who has charisma in spades and didn't let the fat bring me down, I'm still wondering when I'm going to get used to being treated normally, because now I am treated normally. <o:p></o:p>

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Kids don’t point and stare. Men are nicer, women approach me at sale counters. Go figure. I knew it would be a perk of weight loss. I’d be sad if it wasn’t happening. <o:p></o:p>

Winegoddesstx · April 10, 2008

I have to agree with OH Juli's comments. I'm in sales and am pretty well regarded in my field. I'm confident and successful when it comes to my work. I've never been thin, but I've been a size 14-16 most of my adult life. It's only in the last 10 years my weight escalated and I've noticed just slight differences in the way people interact with me. My reputation in my field is pretty well established but I must admit, I worry that bigger and better opportunities might not come my way if I don't get this weight off. This idea has been simmering in my brain for about a year now.

the slight differences in how I'm treated are mostly subtle and I think I am more self conscious about my size than other people are conscious of what they may be thinking when they see me. Men & women in the U.S. are still very courteous - even on airplanes which is where I am most uncomfortable about my size. I sense a little more rudeness when I'm traveling abroad, but that can be just as much my own perceptual filters as it is rudeness to fat American women or any American.

Plenty of men hold doors open for me and offer to lift my briefcase or luggage into the overhead compartment for me on airplanes. I have two stories about airplane travel that illustrate my frustration with being fat. First, on a recent flight from Houston to San Antonio, I was one of the first passendgers to board. On this particular plane the seatbelt was a little too tight (they do vary from plane to plane) and I quetly asked the flight attendant for an extension. She forgot while everyone else was getting on the plane and I had to ask her again. At this point, she hollered up the aisle to her co-worker for a seat belt extension. I was mortified as heads turned to look at me.

The second and worst incident was about six months ago on another short Southwest Airlines flight from Dallas to Houston. In this case, I was one of the last people to get on the plane. The flight was full and only middle seats were left. So, I found the first one available and sat down. I'm big, but not so big that I overlap the armrests and I pull my arms and shoulders in so I am not touching anyone. The older man next to me in the aisle seat got up in a huff and moved across the aisle to sit in a middle seat, but next to a very young and attractive thin woman. Again, I was mortified that I was so fat and unattractive that this man could not sit next to me for 1 hour. I was really angry and hurt. I spent the entire flight trying to think of just the right thing to say to this man but in the end decided it was just not worth it. I think I stewed on this for days afterwards. I think my anxiety about being the fat chick that no one wants to sit next to on an airplane 6 times a week is what finally pushed me to have the lapband surgery.

I'll let you know if I think people's attitudes toward me change as I start to lose weight. This has been a very interesting thread.....

Cheers!

TulipStar · April 10, 2008

Oh yeah, definite difference! For one...just the guys who hold doors open for me and stuff and general attentiveness from employees when shopping. I really notice a difference when I travel for work by the way the flight attendants treat me...security staff at the airport...pretty much everyone!!!

Also, someone at work has been paying a lot of extra attention to me all of a sudden....and told me I was "sexy". I was like "what?". No one have EVER called me sexy before! lol

I told my husband...he doesn't like it, but notices I get more attention now too since I am as OhJuli says, "regular fat".