Food is Love?

[WendyJane 54]

Hello everyone....

So my husband is supportive of my going through with a Rou-en-Y Gastric Bypass, and I'm so close to getting a date; after April 2nd I should be good to go. He happens to be a chef and lately he has been telling me that "they are selling this surgery to me", which is not okay. I think he is really telling me that he fears that I will change so much and my diet is changing so drastically already that when he cooks, he cooks out of love, and always wants to make me happy. food has always made me happy. I tell him that I can still eat whatever he makes, I just won't be able to eat a huge plate of his lasagna, maybe 1/4th of what a "serving" would be. This of course is causing me to question my decision to go through with something that I have been researching for the last 4 years. I finally decided to have it to lose the weight that my orthopedic surgeon said I had to lose so that I could actually get a new hip, which I need desperately. So, this is not to look like Barbie for me, it is so that I can have hip surgery, a health related situation, and may cure my diabetes as well, two-for-one perhaps? Bottom line, am I right by thinking that he equates food with love, and therefore fears my changes and his inability to show his love for me?

Looking forward to answers, questions, thoughts, anything.....

[DaisyChainOz 516]

he may well equate cooking you food with love/acts of service.

But he might just be scared you'll change, that the relationship you have now will be different after you've had surgery and lost weight, or that you might get slim, and leave him.

Lot's of things might be playing with his head. Communication is the key, if you can get to what it is he's truly worried about, you might be able to reassure him and put those fears to bed.

On a similar vein..

My husband gave up drinking completely due to health issues, and now he doesn't want to drink, which is fine of course! But, honestly, it has changed our relationship fundamentally. We always had great fun having a few wines, dinner and talking for hours, he now doesn't want to talk for hours, I'm lucky if he gives me an hour of his time in the evening, even if I am not drinking either. Our fun time after work is no more. It does make me realise this major change in his life, HAS totally changed OUR lives.

Your husband might be fearful of something like this happening to your relationship.

[SpartanMaker 1,315]

I agree with @DaisyChainOz. There's probably a lot going into his feelings and communication is really important.

As a man, I do also understand that some men (me included), just are not good at talking about our feelings. It's partly that we've been conditioned over a lifetime that feelings make us weak and thus we are "lesser" because of it. Also, we've just never learned how to express our feelings, nor to really understand them at all. It's not that we don't have feelings, we just don't really understand them in a way that can be expressed. I tell you all this so you can be patient with your husband. It may take some time for him to share what he's really feeling. The best thing to do is just be supportive and make sure he understands it's okay to share what he's thinking instead of what he's feeling. "Feeling" can be a trigger word for some men.

One thing that may (or may not), help the discussion is understanding the risks involved. Again. I don't know what's going on in his head, but if he is fearful of change, or the risks of you having surgery, it's important to help him understand that by far, the riskier thing is NOT having the surgery.

I don't know your age or current weight, but I'm assuming you are pretty heavy and likely older just based on the need for a hip replacement and the fact that your orthopedic surgeon won't do the surgery at your current weight. If you are in what's termed "Class III obesity" (in other words, you have a BMI over 40), that alone shortens your life expectancy by 10 to 14 YEARS. I think it's important for both of you to understand this. If he truly loves you, then he should want you to stick around longer.

[WendyJane 54]

Thank you for your input, it helps me think in a different direction. I really appreciate your observations from afar, it means a lot.

Wendy Jane