Helpful Info From a Spouse

[TheBeornMan 12]

Hello All-

i posted for the first time just about three years ago with some anxieties as a spouse with my wife prepping to undergo the gastric sleeve. I originally noted being concerned about our lifestyle changes, relationship impacts (I had heard all the horror stories) and most of all health concerns into the future.

The community was incredibly supportive and I had learned tips and useful knowledge that helped me coach and support my wife through it. I am happy to say we are better than we ever have been and her self confidence is through the roof. However the MAIN reason the surgery ever was even considered was to get her diabetes that started while she was pregnant with our first child and got very concerning bad with our fourth has still stuck around and caused issues…..

First- this is Life changing not just for the partner getting the surgery, but the spouse too. We used to be foodies and that all had to go out the door. Same with alcohol. Two bites and you are full, a pint and you are drunk. So activities, dates, etc. and new hobbies should all be prepared for well in advance. Luckily we are both athletes and coaches and this allowed to have an outlet that wasn’t our prior foodies and beer/ brewery culture pastime.

Two- Relationship, anyone who tells you that this leads to automatic divorce/ break up is paranoid or lying. Out of her support group offered by our health network, I think only 1 or 2 of about fifteen women ended up separating and that was from the other spouse cheating. I have to say that in many ways, after four kids and all our activities, youth sports and coaching- it created a second honeymoon period for us and really strengthened our romance and relationship because we both focused on our health again jointly and the magnetism increased dramatically.

Third- It might not fix the problem…. We did not jointly go into the surgery for cosmetic or weight loss reasons. It was the diabetes and the doctors said it was a solid shot to cure or mitigate the disease. It was for a while, but it keeps back up. despite healthy eating, despite exercise and coaching, despite the surgery- medications came back into the picture and so did the celebrity weight loss drug (which is really supposed to be for diabetes…) This has been keeping everything under control but is a case of the cure being as bad as the sickness. The side effects are brutal and definitely have a quality of life impact, but we both want to live to see grandkids someday…..

Fourth- dysmorphia is VERY really. We are both naturally larger people. I was a lineman in high school and college and she was a softball catcher in high school and college and ended up also playing women’s rugby there as well. Even with the surgery she went from an XL to L but she got her college/ high school figure back and as such her confidence went through the roof and started dressing like she hadn’t in years. With the medication though??? Her figure, face shape, everything changed. Down to a Small or Medium. For almost a year and a half she hasn’t recognized herself in the mirror. It’s a double wham with the surgery and the medication.

Between her best friends and myself (we have all been in the same friend/ team group since college) the support was to have fun with it and go with the flow. Instead of worrying about it (the dysmorphia) it was embrace the change. All new clothes she could never wear before, she’s been a redhead now and then blonde and still is. Cut her hair shorter, started wearing makeup (never really did)- all just to try and put a positive spin on it. I’ve been the spoiled recipient of having a brand new girl (don’t think I haven’t romanced and spoiled the you-know-what out of her), but at the end of the day it’s been mitigation of all the life changes.

The last part has been the most detailed because it’s the most recent and to me has been the most impactful- NOT having the surgery do its intended purpose and the dysmorphia we’re both very difficult given the efforts and life changes made. We’ve done everything we can to make lemonade out of those lemons though. We had an anniversary vacation better than our honeymoon this past summer (she has always been way out of my league and these days it’s very much over the top- I feel incredibly spoiled) and we have made time to ride our bikes together with our oldest babysitting the kids and we come to each others games when we coach.

I would tell any spouse; husband or wife of someone who is going to have the surgery and then or also do all the meds:

1. Support. It’s a huge deal and you need to show up.

2. Don’t get insecure about your relationship because of the surgery. If you are worried it means you might not have a great relationship to start with….

3. You will need to change your life too. Because of my size and my weight lifting, I need a lot of Protein and calories. I will never look like a Hollywood star (like she now does) and always an NFL lineman- BUT- if I bring a cannoli, pie or a full growler into the house in addition to steak/ salmon, etc it’s teasing and not fair. You will need to learn self control to support your spouse…

4. Inspire and come up with ideas for positive re-enforcement. If the dysmorphia or depression sets in, you need to find fun things to do, supportive steps to take and positive angles to keep things going.

5. If you are doing all this as a spouse, what about YOU??? Are you going to die a martyr? Take care of YOURSELF too. I go lifting 3 times a week, go fishing in season. And for my 40th birthday when she asked what I wanted?? I got us a long weekend on the Cape, bought her some dresses I wanted to see her in and sent her to get her hair, nails, toes, eyelashes, etc.. done. Said I wanted a long weekend with my movie star wife. It was a great time, kid free and continued to strengthen our marriage.

Anyways- why am I writing this? Posterity? Self reflection? Not really…. I just want to give Spouses a roadmap. It’s a huge change and you need to navigate the waters well. If you do you will benefit as much as your loved one.

Good luck.

Edited January 4 by TheBeornMan

[ChunkCat 673]

Great post!! I remember reading your original post. I'm glad things have worked out so well! I'm sorry it hasn't resolved the diabetes. I had the duodenal switch primarily to deal with my diabetes and so far, so good! Unfortunately the gastric sleeve doesn't have the same metabolic effects that the bypass and switch do which comes from altering the small intestines and for some reason seems to put a lot of diabetes into remission. But some get lucky with the weight loss and dietary changes alone putting it into remission! It sucks your wife isn't one of those.

I love that you found a way to really show up and support her. My partner is showing up to support me and it really means the world to me! These are hard changes to go through as an individual, even harder when you have another person (or a whole family) along for the ride... Priorities change. Relationships with food and our bodies change. That can't help but impact those around us. I'm glad it has made you two stronger than ever, and made you even more devoted to celebrating the beauty that she is. Props to you for leaning in and meeting those challenges together! I'm sure there are a lot of spouses that could benefit from reading your before and after posts!

[Bypass2Freedom 132]

Amazing post I love how supportive you are of your wife, and the fact that it seems to go both ways!

It is so important to show up for one another, and see this as not only an individual journey, but one that you are on together.

My partner is a serial snacker, and the house is always full of things like cakes, sweets, chocolate & crisps. Everything that is my weakness! I am hoping that when I have had my surgery this year, I will get his support as much as you have given your wife support.

Thank you for posting!

[NickelChip 686]

I love how supportive you have been of your wife (and am sorry to hear her diabetes remains an issue). I honestly think the relationships that most often fail post-surgery are the ones that are not healthy to begin with. The effects of the weight loss just shine a light on the problems that were already there and being ignored.

Society sends the message that being overweight equals being unattractive, that you'll never find a partner unless you're slim, or that you're darn lucky if you do have someone, even if that person treats you poorly, and you'd better put up with it because you won't get anything better. None of that is actually true, of course, but sometimes losing weight is the thing that makes a person realize it and start believing they deserve a happy life.

But if a spouse is one of the "good ones," they'll take your advice to heart and end up with an even better relationship. I'm so glad that's what has happened to you and your wife!