This weekend, I had a very unusual and uncomfortable experience, but I imagine it's not that uncommon among those of us who have had bariatric surgery.

My husband and I were taken out to dinner by a business associate of my husband's. There were six people at dinner and the gentleman who was buying is well known for his excessiveness. He ordered incredible amounts of food for the table, including appetizers, entrees, desserts and multiple bottles of wine. The dinner was a marathon, and I tried to keep up well enough, pacing myself and pushing food around on my plate, etc. However, when my husband got up to use the restroom, our "host" (who by then had had more than a few glasses of wine) started "food shaming" me...i.e. "What's wrong with you? Didn't you like your meal? Why aren't you eating? Don't you like dessert? Come on and drink more, like the rest of us!" and so on. It was awkward, uncomfortable, and totally unexpected, and I was caught off guard. Of course, now after the fact, I can think of many things to say in return, but I was completely embarrassed, especially since he had the attention of the entire table.

All my life, I've been embarrassed and shamed for eating too much. Now I'm being shamed for eating too little.

I thought about explaining afterward about my surgery, but it seems like such a personal thing to divulge to people I barely know.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

Unfortunately, many people who enjoy overeating like to see everyone around them overeat as well (maybe so they can pretend it's normal to eat that much?).

My only experience was with a friend's husband who basically mad an ass of himself by continually asking me "Is that all you're eating?" in a loud and rude tone. He didn't know about my WLS, but did know I was on a "diet" so of course that was all I was eating! I just kept replying "Yes, and when I'm all skinny next year you'll remember how I got there!" Mind you, he ate 4 or 5 slices of pizza on top of appetizers and a few beers, but he was the one commenting on what I ate! LOL!!

When this happens, don't be embarrassed as I'm sure everyone at the table was thinking your host was the rude one!

A positive story was a recent dinner with some girlfriends, and as we perused the menu, one of them asked me what I was getting (fish tacos) and then ended up ordering the same thing. I did my usual of leaving the tortillas on the plate and using a fork to pick out the good stuff. I didn't even notice that she was doing the same thing until she said "I want to look like you, so I'm doing what you are doing!" and she thanked me for inspiring her to eat healthier. So ignore the rude people, do your own thing, and you never know who you are inspiring!

Yes, pre pandemic I had many business meals. And the amount I was eating was often commented on. Usually it was out of concern but not always. Next time just be prepared with an excuse, stomach has been bothering you, an illness or something. In the case of shaming an answer like , “I’m going through some medical issues” usually shuts them up.

Ugh. I hated the “concern” people around me always had about my eating habits. I just said, “yup, I’m watching what I eat”, or “no thanks, I’m watching what I eat”, and tried to change topics to something about them.

Thankfully the concern has more or less stopped at 2 years out. They are all used to it now.

When I read the title "food shaming" I had something completely different on my mind.

"Is that all you're eating?"

Why do you ask?

"Don't you like the food?"

Why do you ask?

They will give up.

47 minutes ago, summerset said:

When I read the title "food shaming" I had something completely different on my mind.

Really? What did you think it meant--maybe I used the wrong title?

10 minutes ago, amboyle728 said:

Really? What did you think it meant--maybe I used the wrong title?

I think there is a lot of food policing and food shaming on this board but also people IRL sometimes food shame and food police people so I thought your rant would be about this.

Imagine you're invited to dinner and have a bit of dessert. Aunt Fanny says: "Oh, do you really think you should eat this?" - like WTH?? just STFU, b*tch! It's not your damn business!

A user asks about eating bread or pasta: "WHAAAAAAT????! How can you even think about eating this!!!!!"

---

That's what I'd describe as "food shaming". What you described was IMO more the reaction of a host thinking that you didn't like the food and maybe he felt like he failed to cater to everyone on his party, especially since you mentioned he's a very generous man when it comes to food.

7 minutes ago, summerset said:

I think there is a lot of food policing and food shaming on this board but also people IRL sometimes food shame and food police people so I thought your rant would be about this.

Imagine you're invited to dinner and have a bit of dessert. Aunt Fanny says: "Oh, do you really think you should eat this?" - like WTH?? just STFU, b*tch! It's not your damn business!

A user asks about eating bread or pasta: "WHAAAAAAT????! How can you even think about eating this!!!!!"

---

That's what I'd describe as "food shaming". What you described was IMO more the reaction of a host thinking that you didn't like the food and maybe he felt like he failed to cater to everyone on his party, especially since you mentioned he's a very generous man when it comes to food.

Very good point here. Its some peoples personality maybe raised that way.

On 09/15/2020 at 10:27, JessLess said:

"Is that all you're eating?"

Why do you ask?

"Don't you like the food? "

Why do you ask?

They will give up.

I think though that responses can and should depend upon who is asking. A nosy co worker or meddling aunt is different than a spouses business dinner.

I learned a lesson this weekend dining out with my mother...slow the heck down so that I finish eating at the same time she does. She gets agitated if she's still eating and I have stopped (with more than half of my food on my plate) and she KNOWS I had the surgery. So I will REALLY focus on taking my time so that I finish when everyone else does...rather than just sitting and observing everyone else eat.

3 hours ago, summerset said:

I think there is a lot of food policing and food shaming on this board but also people IRL sometimes food shame and food police people so I thought your rant would be about this.

Imagine you're invited to dinner and have a bit of dessert. Aunt Fanny says: "Oh, do you really think you should eat this?" - like WTH?? just STFU, b*tch! It's not your damn business!

A user asks about eating bread or pasta: "WHAAAAAAT????! How can you even think about eating this!!!!!"

---

That's what I'd describe as "food shaming". What you described was IMO more the reaction of a host thinking that you didn't like the food and maybe he felt like he failed to cater to everyone on his party, especially since you mentioned he's a very generous man when it comes to food.

Ah! Yep, I get it. I guess it cuts both ways. I've dealt with curiosity before, like, "don't you feel well? why aren't you eating?" And I've also dealt with the food police..."Should you be eating that?" "Does that really fit with your diet plan" etc. But this was the first time I dealt with out and out aggression, trying to force me to eat, literally ordering dessert for me when I said I didn't want any, and filling a glass with wine for me, after I said I didn't want that either, then basically making me feel like I was the jerk for not eating/drinking like everyone else. It was pretty bizarre.

And the host is generous, but also extremely obnoxious and loud when he is drinking. It was the first time I had met him in person, so to me it seemed like extreme behavior, at best...lol

I'd say your host is a "food pusher".

"Food pushers" can be annoying and while they definitely can come from a place of jealously, my experience is that they usually don't seem to mean ill.

15 hours ago, sillykitty said:

I think though that responses can and should depend upon who is asking. A nosy co worker or meddling aunt is different than a spouses business dinner.

Sure, you could say, "Everything is so delicious but I'm full" a couple of times. It would be more polite but effective.

On 9/15/2020 at 1:07 PM, summerset said:

I think there is a lot of food policing and food shaming on this board but also people IRL sometimes food shame and food police people so I thought your rant would be about this.

Imagine you're invited to dinner and have a bit of dessert. Aunt Fanny says: "Oh, do you really think you should eat this?" - like WTH?? just STFU, b*tch! It's not your damn business!

A user asks about eating bread or pasta: "WHAAAAAAT????! How can you even think about eating this!!!!!"

---

That's what I'd describe as "food shaming". What you described was IMO more the reaction of a host thinking that you didn't like the food and maybe he felt like he failed to cater to everyone on his party, especially since you mentioned he's a very generous man when it comes to food.

Food shaming on this board is OTT. Surgeon's are different, have different expectations, etc. Not to mention different ages, starting weights, goals, whatever. Ugh.