Body dysmorphia

[mousecat88 2,281]

I have body dysmorphia. Hence the whole backstory of me thinking I was gigantic at 140lbs and having Lipo and then gaining 150lbs from the lipo "not working" and me shoveling food into my face because "I was fat anyways".

ANYWAYS, I am basically at the weight I was when I had lipo a few years ago, and I find myself nitpicking again. I'm like "ugh, my calves are so thick and fat and ugh my inner thighs are fat". But I *know* I am not fat... I just see that little bit I can pinch and it drives me CRAZY. I'm having my skin removal in 3 months (which is actually legitimate) and I feel like it will be a temporary fix and right after I will find more things I am not happy with... and, just like the lipo, have unnecessary plastic surgeries in the attempt to achieve some misguided form of perfection.

I've talked to lots of therapists and I know what "caused" the body dysmorphia, but nothing's been helpful. I am very unreceptive and argumentative to therapy; it's my pessimistic nature, lol. I bought a self-image self-help workbook and I am putting my personal trainer certification on hold until I can work out some of my self-esteem issues. I also see people out and about that are very heavy and I either a) see myself as being that size or b) get really judgmental and disgusted, even though I was JUST that size a few months ago. It makes me feel like a terrible person.

Not really sure I have a point here LOL but while I *know* I've done well, I can't fully appreciate it because I still see so many imperfections. I am constantly critiquing every inch of me saying "oh, that needs to be smaller" "this needs to be toned" "I am so huge". I hope that I don't become one of those crazy people that spends 100k on plastics and ends up with a mask-face from endless Botox or something. 😖

Does anyone else struggle from body dysmorphia? How did you overcome it or if you haven't, how do you deal? How do you learn to love yourself after hating yourself since you were 8 years old??

I kinda' thought I had overcome all this, but the smaller I get... the more judgmental I am becoming of myself again. Like nothing will be good enough.

Edited August 27, 2019 by mousecat88

[ubiquity 2]

It's good that you bring this up. It is definitely a more widespread issue in the WLS community considering our obese beginnings. I have definitely experienced the 'consequential' chain of events where one thing means this thing is justified and so on. I've struggled with BD throughout my teenage years. Ironically I overcame BD when I was at my highest weight. Seems like something 'clicked,' and I realized that the weight does not and should not define who I am.

I think the important take-away is that you realize you've taken the necessary steps to better yourself. You were patient enough to wait for surgery, get the surgery, and now maintain a healthy weight. You know you've done well, therefore you must give yourself credit for your achievements. As for plastics, I think that is a personal decision and should not be impulsive. After all, hard work does pay off internally and aesthetically; plastics only gets you there a bit quicker 😉.

[336Mike 554]

Completely understand. I still struggle with it from time to time at almost 23 months out, but it gets better. When I maintained and finally got over how much smaller the clothes were that I was wearing my focus then went to my belly area that absolutely no one else could see and that loose skin made me look at myself as fat. Go figure. 🤷‍♂️

What helps is reminding myself where I started and how far I've come. Learning to love me and knowing I'm good enough no matter what. I also recently was able to do my TT which has helped immensely.

It may be somewhat of a lifelong struggle by creeping up from time to time and when it does I'll continue to know it's not the truth and try to focus on positive things - Like, dang, I can really rock a slim fit suit now or some skinny jeans and a clingy shirt and be super confident!!! Not too mention all the activities I can do now and how much healthier I am!! I think, that's how we overcome it.

HW = 360
SW = 292
GW = 220 reached 3/7/18
CW = 210 @ 6'5"
150 pounds lost! [emoji106]

[Sheribear68 3,201]

Suffering from BD definitely helped me get to the state I was in prior to surgery.

When I was 22, I graduated college at 5”7 and 132 pounds. I was fit because I worked out all of the time because I always felt fat. I was always heavier and thicker than my mother and my sisters. And a few of my cousins.
The truth was that I’m naturally curvy. I had 36DDDs at that weight (boobs have been removed since then due to breast cancer in ‘09.) I had hips and thighs and a teeny waist, but all I could see was how short and curvy I looked alongside my long and lean relatives. The only cousin who had my body type was MO and that’s what I identified as.
At the weight of 132 pounds and a size 4/6.

Ridiculously isn’t it?
I remember being 13 years old when I went on my first diet.
And that was back in the early 80’s when nobody had a lick of sense at all about those kinds of things.
By the time I gave birth to my daughter at the age of 28 in 1997, I’d gained 90 pounds, had suffered gestational diabetes and was hopelessly screwed metabolically.

I’ve spent the last 22 years as a MO person, ranging from 209 pounds (oh how sweet it was to be sooooo close to ONEderland) up to my all-time HW of 272 in ‘08.
I probably spent time on every single pound in-between and sometimes would yo-yo 40-50 pounds in a single year.
For 22 freaking years!

Now I’ve lost down to 167 and I’m residing in size 12 clothes and I’m 8 pounds away from what I weighed when I became pregnant almost 23 years ago. I take selfies almost every day for the OOTD thread because I need that reminder of how far I’ve come and how great I’m looking now compared to 7 short months ago. There are days even now when I cringe upon seeing a fat roll or some pudge in those photos that the mirror seems to have magically hidden.

Do I still see some of the “trouble” spots that haunted me over half my lifetime ago?

I wish I could say that time, lessons learned and maturity have made me able to forgive those, but I still struggle. I tell myself that I still have 15-25 pounds til goal—maybe my body still has room to magically morph into something I’ll like better.
Honestly though, I know that while I’ll be smaller, those trouble spots will still be there, and will also be there with some extra skin. And yes.... it will still bother me.

I’m thinking there’s a better than 50/50 I’ll do plastics before this is over, but I’m also giving myself time to get used to this new new body. I’m making an effort to appreciate not being in constant pain and discomfort. I want to spend time living the new me and figuring out where all of this is going to settle before I make any decisions on how to “fix” problem areas.
I also need to make sure that my head has time to catch up with my body.

[mousecat88 2,281]

10 hours ago, Sheribear68 said:

Suffering from BD definitely helped me get to the state I was in prior to surgery.

When I was 22, I graduated college at 5”7 and 132 pounds. I was fit because I worked out all of the time because I always felt fat. I was always heavier and thicker than my mother and my sisters. And a few of my cousins.
The truth was that I’m naturally curvy. I had 36DDDs at that weight (boobs have been removed since then due to breast cancer in ‘09.) I had hips and thighs and a teeny waist, but all I could see was how short and curvy I looked alongside my long and lean relatives. The only cousin who had my body type was MO and that’s what I identified as.
At the weight of 132 pounds and a size 4/6.

I relate to this the most. I always had that "ideal" hourglass shape and very large breasts. I was much curvier than ALL of my friends, but a very healthy weight. But since I was curvy, I equated that to being fat. I wanted to be a stick. Even to this day I tell my trainer that I always wanted to be stick straight with zero curves and no booty or breasts or hips because my brain just equates that to being obese. I feel like I still want that, but that's simply not my body shape. He thinks it's bizarre because many women *pay* to have hips and a butt and that figure that I just can't stand on myself.

As far as plastics, I know I need my tummy and arms done. I tried doing some forearm stands in yoga yesterday and the skin bunched up so badly and pinched. But I find myself looking at my inner thighs and seeing those little wrinkles of loose skin that probably don't warrant surgery but I know I am going to obsess over them indefinitely.

[Frustr8 7,886]

Well how my BD manifests itself for me. Since my still ongoing Weight loss, I have be3n fearful that I look like I'm on the verge of Anorexia or "Failure to Thrive" , scrawny neck, you now can see my collar bones and visualize my top 3 ribs in my chest cavity, hardly any boobs, down from 46DD to a 40/42B, depending on Bra price point. WAIST has diminished , pot belly is now a small warm- up skillet, Baby "no longer has back", now down to 2 small handfuls, if I could get a guy to grab them. Now the flesh on lower abdomen and thighs, especially inner portions, I liken to a balloon that was blown up and then air let out, an empty blobby stretched appearance, but the legs are beaten and trimmed enough I can wear leggings without somebody thinking I was poured into them and didn't know when to stop. And the sizing , ooh I GLORY at that, I'm back into Juniors where I truly belong, Okay still at the Upper End, 17 and 19 , but still a NSV or close to it, my BMI this AM is 29.2. All sounds pretty fine ? Well I am apprehensive that I look sickly and could possibly DIE!
No Less than my Ortho, who called me by my Legal First Name, no MaMa did NOT christen ME Frustr8, I picked IT up along the way. Anyway Dr Doolittle, who is Sport Medicine along with Orthopaedics, so should be able to adequately assess body types. He said " Darlin'( from him I accept the endearment , most other guys I would "Jack-Slap" instead) You are merely starting to look NORMAL!" How would I Know That Already? I have never been NORMAL or AVERAGE in my whole existance! So although much of my Veiwing Public feels I look Just Fine, I fear I Am still the obese unbalanced ugly ME I used to Be, and it is difficult for my Rational Mind to overcome my Bruised Battered Emotional Foundation. I was told by Kith and Kin I was Ugly, Disgusting , barely worthy of life and nobody much wanted me Near Them. Case in Point--- I got a BonoFide Wolf Whistle the Other Day, I looked around because I thought it was a compliment given to someone Else. SAD, ISN'T IT?

[Sheribear68 3,201]

On 08/28/2019 at 07:38, mousecat88 said:

I relate to this the most. I always had that "ideal" hourglass shape and very large breasts. I was much curvier than ALL of my friends, but a very healthy weight. But since I was curvy, I equated that to being fat. I wanted to be a stick. Even to this day I tell my trainer that I always wanted to be stick straight with zero curves and no booty or breasts or hips because my brain just equates that to being obese. I feel like I still want that, but that's simply not my body shape. He thinks it's bizarre because many women *pay* to have hips and a butt and that figure that I just can't stand on myself.

As far as plastics, I know I need my tummy and arms done. I tried doing some forearm stands in yoga yesterday and the skin bunched up so badly and pinched. But I find myself looking at my inner thighs and seeing those little wrinkles of loose skin that probably don't warrant surgery but I know I am going to obsess over them indefinitely.

Yup yup yup!

I was the lady who other women looked at in horror whenever I gleefully announced I was getting a bilateral breast reduction for free because of the breast cancer the year before.
I happily trotted into the surgery center that day and went from a G cup down to a B cup in a single morning. The first time I ran after healing and didn’t have to wear 3 workout bras to keep from getting black eyes, I broke down and cried with joy.

The other day I was in Pilates and doing side plank and almost fell over because the wrinkled skin on my inner arms was that distracting.
Lol, even at an underweight size 4 in my early 20’s I had cellulite and thunder thighs so I’m not noticing the inner thigh wrinkles, but my butt is another story.
I refer to it as “bari-booty”. It’s essentially a series of winkles that starts around my sacrum and ends up ending in the fat rolls of my upper thighs.

Yeah.... need to find a procedure that moves all the thigh fat up to my booty when this is done.

[mousecat88 2,281]

3 hours ago, Sheribear68 said:

Yup yup yup!

I was the lady who other women looked at in horror whenever I gleefully announced I was getting a bilateral breast reduction for free because of the breast cancer the year before.
I happily trotted into the surgery center that day and went from a G cup down to a B cup in a single morning. The first time I ran after healing and didn’t have to wear 3 workout bras to keep from getting black eyes, I broke down and cried with joy.

I had a breast reduction too. Size H to a D. He wouldn't go lower than a D because I was obese and he said it wouldn't look proportional. But for the first time ever I had NO BACK PAIN. It was excruciating for all those years and I thought it was arthritis pain. Also covered by insurance. Now I am a B/C from my weight loss. I have the same booty wrinkles - could definitely take some filler from the inner thighs and move it there. lmao.