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a sickening look at my eating disorder



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these popped up in my fb memories today. i used to binge eat/overeat. i had decided to use MFP to help me curb how much i ate, but instead i used it as a competition tool to see how much i could fit in me. i was probably around 175 or so in 2012. the comments are mostly me joking about how my ads are all for diet pills now and my friends joking I'll be one of the feeder fetish chicks eventually.

the last photo is from 2018 when i was 286lbs and considering bariatric surgery. spoiler alert: it wasn't my thyroid that caused my weight gain.

why the eff did i do this to myself!? jesus. Screenshot_20190522-103116_Facebook.jpeg Screenshot_20190522-073300_Facebook.jpeg Screenshot_20190522-073028_Facebook.jpeg

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Thank you for your honesty. I'm so glad you are working on your head stuff and learning to love yourself!!! I hope we can all be this transparent with ourselves and others--then maybe so many would not feel alone!

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Thanks for sharing. I sometimes can't believe how many Cookies I used to eat.

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A lot of eating disordered people are reacting kind of stunned after having crawled out of their deepest hole, regardless of what eating disorder it was.

Compulsive eaters or binge eaters can't believe how much they ate, bulimics can't believe how much money for food they purged down the toilet, anorexics can't believe how they managed to subsist on so little food while exercising without end etc. etc. etc.

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Grady Cat has her Cookies, it was my Family sized Honey barbeque Potato chips from Frito- Lay. No wonder they could afford to ship them in, I kept them in business! And the sad thing, I didn't even feel full!

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I can SO relate to you!! My surgery is June 3rd (in just days) and I am SO terrified that I won't be able to overcome my binge eating :( I, like you, can eat a whole bag of chips in one day... I NEVER feel full until I am almost sick from eating! My starting weight was 287, now I am 275, so I must be doing something right, but my mind keeps thinking about "food funerals" before my surgery, and this is a very warped way of thinking, in my opinion (as applies to myself). Today is the first real day I have felt that fear, and I don't like it!

Congrats to you ~~ you have done an amazing job ~~ you should be very proud!

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3 hours ago, Ohcinders said:

I can SO relate to you!! My surgery is June 3rd (in just days) and I am SO terrified that I won't be able to overcome my binge eating :( I, like you, can eat a whole bag of chips in one day... I NEVER feel full until I am almost sick from eating! My starting weight was 287, now I am 275, so I must be doing something right, but my mind keeps thinking about "food funerals" before my surgery, and this is a very warped way of thinking, in my opinion (as applies to myself). Today is the first real day I have felt that fear, and I don't like it!

Congrats to you ~~ you have done an amazing job ~~ you should be very proud!

Thank you! I had plenty of "food funerals" during my 16-day pre-op diet. While controversial, I don't regret it. Because I made a promise to myself to not have those foods ever again, and thus far I haven't. And, honestly, I don't miss them at all. Fortunately after surgery you physically CAN'T binge eat, which is the ultimate training tool. Not being hungry those first few months really helps. I think overtime people can fit more and more in if they really try, but I know 7 months out I couldn't. I would get so so so sick! And I don't want to sabotage myself.

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    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. LeighaTR

        I hope your surgery on Wednesday goes well. You will be able to do all sorts of new things as you find your new normal after surgery. I don't know this from experience yet, but I am seeing a lot of positive things from people who have had it done. Best of luck!

    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. summerseeker

        Life as a big person had limited my life to what I knew I could manage to do each day. That was eat. I hadn't anything else to look forward to. So my eating choices were the best I could dream up. I planned the cooking in managable lots in my head and filled my day with and around it.

        Now I have a whole new big, bigger, biggest, best days ever. I am out there with those skinny people doing stuff i could never have dreamt of. Food is now an after thought. It doesn't consume my day. I still enjoy the good home cooked food but I eat smaller portions. I leave food on my plate when I am full. I can no longer hear my mother's voice saying eat it all up, ther are starving children in Africa who would want that!

        I still cook for family feasts, I love cooking. I still do holidays but I have changed from the All inclusive drinking and eating everything everyday kind to Self catering accommodation. This gives me the choice of cooking or eating out as I choose. I rarely drink anymore as I usually travel alone now and I feel I need to keep aware of my surroundings.

        I don't know at what point my life expanded, was it when I lost 100 pounds? Was it when I left my walking stick at home ? Was it when I said yes to an outing instead of finding an excuse to stay home ? i look back at my last five years and wonder how loosing weight has made such a difference. Be ready to amaze yourself.

        BTW, the liquid diet sucks, one more day and you are over the worst. You can do it.

    • CaseyP1011

      Officially here for a long time, not just a good time💪
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
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