I fear it's wasted on me

[GayGirlLivingForHer 43]

My surgery was a long time coming. I went through a short period where I had convinced myself I could do it on my own. Obviously, that didn't work. My mom was helping me every step of the way. She was so supportive and really wanted it for me. She wanted me to be healthier and in turn happier. My surgery had already been pushed 3 times and I was close to just forgetting about it. I finally thought I had a set date of Oct 22. I thought for sure that would be it but then tragedy struck. My mom, my biggest supporter suddenly passed away. I can not explain how heartbroken I was and still am but I knew my mom really wanted this for me. I even told my doctor that I still wanted the surgery, that I had to do it for my mom but they pushed it once again. Apparently ten days after the loss of my mom was too soon to do it. I was rescheduled for December 10th. The surgery went pretty well and I'm recovering fine.

Both of my patently already had surgery years ago. My dad to save his life and my mom because she had so many stomach problems not because of her weight. They both had told me that my appetite would pretty much disappear. That is not the case at all. It's ridiculous because I'm not hungry. I have no hunger at all. I just want to eat. I've found myself chewing on food and spitting it out just so I can taste something. I had a tiny cookie today and I felt guilty, like I was doing something bad. Exactly like I did when I was a kid and would sneak food. I've literally been big my whole life. I was an 8 pound baby even one month premature. I know I have some kind of mental problem having to do with food.

I feel like as soon as I'm physically able to eat real food again that my weight loss will halt and I'll just gain all of it back.

I'm scared but I don't know what to do.

Please don't bash me. I've been through enough and I don't have my comfort anymore.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Top weight: 427

Surgery weight: 387

Current weight: 350

Sent from my LML212VL using BariatricPal mobile app

[Ed_NW 684]

I'm a week after you. You've had some serious setbacks but still moved forward with the surgery. Just keep looking forward and it will fall into place for you. You know what the right thing to do is and you're doing it. Good job!

[GreenTealael 25,610]

You can do it. Your Mom knew it. Your Dad knows it. We do too.

Find the very very very best alternatives you can. If you find yourself reaching for Cookies, try to make sure they are Protein cookies, when you begin to eat a more regular diet again, try to make sure it's whole foods.

Make this work in your favor. Hack your lifestyle. Learn to love things that will get you to your goals faster and easier like sometimes walk up stairs instead of taking the elevator, lettuce wraps sometimes instead of bread.

You totally can do it!!! Long term!!! Sustainably!!! We believe in you.

Also please take some time to properly grieve, consider counseling/support groups and my condolences to you and your family for your loss.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Edited December 22, 2018 by GreenTealael

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

I am so sorry about your Mother. She would have been so proud of you.

The operation fixes our stomachs but not our brains. We all like to eat. Not only is the taste pleasurable, but eating releases hormones that make us feel warm and fuzzy. Mentally, you're in a place where you crave more "warm and fuzzy" feelings. You've had a rough year. Cravings are a b!tch. Do you have access to a therapist or even a support group to help you through this?

[Jazzy1125 1,010]

you can do this. Take it one day at a time and keep moving in the right direction. I would suggest you see a therapist to help you with emotional eating so that you do not fall down the same path. Good Luck on your Journey.

[RoRoKitty 183]

I too started the weight loss journey 400+ lbs. there are times that I think that if I won’t get pizza or whatever else junk food I will get crazy, but I know that is only in my head and I need to change my mindset. I am not hungry, I just think same as before surgery and that was what made me so fat! I don’t need pizza, I need some nice lean Proteins.
Try to avoid fried food and sugar as much as possible and everything else will get in place slowly but steady. And we are all here for you to support in any way possible !
You can do it! First for you and then for your mother 💜

[GayGirlLivingForHer 43]

I am so sorry about your Mother. She would have been so proud of you.
The operation fixes our stomachs but not our brains. We all like to eat. Not only is the taste pleasurable, but eating releases hormones that make us feel warm and fuzzy. Mentally, you're in a place where you crave more "warm and fuzzy" feelings. You've had a rough year. Cravings are a b!tch. Do you have access to a therapist or even a support group to help you through this?

I have a therapist that comes to see me every other week. I got lucky and somehow ended up with a lady that comes to my house but I'm one of those people who doesn't really get much out of it. I have been in and out of therapy since before I was even a teenager. I keep seeing the lady in hopes that I'll have some kind of breakthrough.

My mom would be proud. I know that but it's hard that she can't be here to see the progress, to Celebrate with me.

I try to stay busy with our business. We're open seven days a week and we're expanding and starting new product lines.
My mom wanted to see me running the store efficiently and she wanted me to be healthy and happy. Those were her two big things. It kills me that my mom never got the chance to see that that's going to happen. I think the hardest thing is that right now there's so many things in the works that my mom can't be here for. I'm getting married soon and my mom never got the chance to pass her wedding ring onto me. She won't get the chance to see me marry my queen. She won't get to see my stepson run this business when he's older. She won't sit with me and watch Dr Who. She won't see me become a healthier me...
I guess it comes down to me just really missing my mom and not having the comfort of food. Food has always been my safe haven. It's never let me down.

Sent from my LML212VL using BariatricPal mobile app

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

2 minutes ago, GayGirlLivingForHer said:

I guess it comes down to me just really missing my mom and not having the comfort of food. food has always been my safe haven. It's never let me down.

That is the hardest part. We've trained ourselves that food will make us feel better and now we have to find other things to fill that void. I wish I had more to offer but I wish you well ((hug))

[Frustr8 7,886]

GGLFH, OMG I am so so sorry to hear this! Are you and Andrea💞 still together, if so I'm sure she is helping you through this twisted and tortued path. Yes- your Mama would be very proud of you, if you remember from before, I always felt she was one of your most committed supporters. And you should dedicate each,pound lost to her memory, because if there is a Heaven as I was taught, she is watching and smiling, maybe telling the other angels " Look, that is MY BABY GIRL. Look how wonderfully she is doing. I am so proud."
USALLY I agree with Orchids and Dragons, we have become very close Bariatric Pals, but we no longer all like to eat, I am an exception, & perhaps I too will need therapy. Today I do not care if I eat again. So often when I attempt I urp up or vomit. I have had a PICC LINE in since November 29th & at the least it will be in until mid- January. 14 hours each day I am fed by TPN, so I have 10 free hours when I do not wear a backpack,with my pump and feeding solution in it. I try to do my household duties then, shop if necessary. I tried to speak with my surgeon and dietician about this on December 17th, they were rather dismissive, "Don't worry, it is because your getting sufficent calories from the liquid feed" but I have a deep-seated conviction they may be wrong. So I will reach out to my surgeon one more time on January 15th, if necessary make him sit down a minute instead of him being a Doorknob Doctor, one hand on the door knob so he can keep moving. I hate to sound whine-like but HE IS Not Addressing my needs!
I have lost 50+ pounds since surgery in September but just now starting to go 8nto a smaller size. Lost weight in arms , neck, shoulders , face firsts Now tummy, thighs , blobs and rump are finally,following up. They always say as you lose you start looking like a younger cuter version of yourself, not ME- look like,my Mama and my Aunt Grace and they are long-dead.
But Good to hear from,you once again!😛👍🍀💞

[GayGirlLivingForHer 43]

GGLFH, OMG I am so so sorry to hear this! Are you and Andrea still together, if so I'm sure she is helping you through this twisted and tortued path. Yes- your Mama would be very proud of you, if you remember from before, I always felt she was one of your most committed supporters. And you should dedicate each,pound lost to her memory, because if there is a Heaven as I was taught, she is watching and smiling, maybe telling the other angels " Look, that is MY BABY GIRL. Look how wonderfully she is doing. I am so proud."
USALLY I agree with Orchids and Dragons, we have become very close Bariatric Pals, but we no longer all like to eat, I am an exception, & perhaps I too will need therapy. Today I do not care if I eat again. So often when I attempt I urp up or vomit. I have had a PICC LINE in since November 29th & at the least it will be in until mid- January. 14 hours each day I am fed by TPN, so I have 10 free hours when I do not wear a backpack,with my pump and feeding solution in it. I try to do my household duties then, shop if necessary. I tried to speak with my surgeon and dietician about this on December 17th, they were rather dismissive, "Don't worry, it is because your getting sufficent calories from the liquid feed" but I have a deep-seated conviction they may be wrong. So I will reach out to my surgeon one more time on January 15th, if necessary make him sit down a minute instead of him being a Doorknob Doctor, one hand on the door knob so he can keep moving. I hate to sound whine-like but HE IS Not Addressing my needs!
I have lost 50+ pounds since surgery in September but just now starting to go 8nto a smaller size. Lost weight in arms , neck, shoulders , face firsts Now tummy, thighs , blobs and rump are finally,following up. They always say as you lose you start looking like a younger cuter version of yourself, not ME- look like,my Mama and my Aunt Grace and they are long-dead.
But Good to hear from,you once again!

Andrea and I certainly are still together. We're getting married in April. My mom was helping me plan it out and save up for the expenses. I know now that she had planned to pass me her wedding ring that my grandma passed to her when she married my dad. It's a lovely ring but it doesn't fit me right now. I think maybe it will by April. It hurts that she didn't get the chance to pass it on herself and instead I got such a bittersweet gift after she passed.
I wonder sometimes if she wasn't happy. I wonder if I were doing better if my mom would or could have held on. She wasn't even sick. She just randomly left us. The doctors couldn't give us a reason for why this happened. I'm starting to think she left because she felt like things weren't going in the direction she wanted. Like maybe she died of a broken heart because her oldest daughter has been the most heartache

Sent from my LML212VL using BariatricPal mobile app

[Frustr8 7,886]

Even if you don't have your fingers small enough, please(for me) wear it on a chain or ribbon around your neck, Andrea will understand that you want Mama there close to your ❤ of hearts.You are making me tear up, wish I could be there to give you a hug today and on your Wedding Day. You are a sweetie and I know you will be a success, Buck up Baby Girl!

[FluffyChix 17,418]

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom and the loss of your comfort mechanism. But know this...to a degree, most of us share some of your feelings about food and about this surgery. A good percentage don't fully trust that we won't be that one person who epically fails WLS. So you are in good company.

Also, keep trying with your counselor. Keep asking for practical things you can DO to help you with your food/comfort eating. Maybe you should also look into OA? This is ALL about personal responsibility. It's not a passive experience. We get out of it what we put into it. But, most have found we don't have to be perfect 100% of the time! Great news!!! And I believe finding tools and hacks that work for our own individual needs are part of the key to success and part of our personal responsibility. (For me, knowing about and practicing IF and low carb are 2 tools that make this journey much easier. Also knowing about Water loading has helped so much.)

Things will get better. You will lose weight. Start reading books on binge eating and comfort eating. Get active. This is a tough time for you not only in terms of the season and your coming marriage, but also cuz getting over this surgery is emotionally draining and makes you physically tired as well. But it DOES get better.

Keep trying to make the next best choice!!!! Every meal and every day you can do that you are one step closer to winning rather than failing!

Edited December 22, 2018 by FluffyChix

[FluffyChix 17,418]

I just saw this on Facebook and thought it might help you and others. For the cost of a book and a journal, it sounds like they will teach some healthy tools! https://livinghealthynutritiononline.com/bariatric-mindset-book-study/?fbclid=IwAR0OFCIiyQkA9p8FcW0wGA69ugQMoFgisnlOOQF6YdN0DyLEbiZ2GPbmdZM

[Starry*Night 148]

14 hours ago, GayGirlLivingForHer said:

My surgery was a long time coming. I went through a short period where I had convinced myself I could do it on my own. Obviously, that didn't work. My mom was helping me every step of the way. She was so supportive and really wanted it for me. She wanted me to be healthier and in turn happier. My surgery had already been pushed 3 times and I was close to just forgetting about it. I finally thought I had a set date of Oct 22. I thought for sure that would be it but then tragedy struck. My mom, my biggest supporter suddenly passed away. I can not explain how heartbroken I was and still am but I knew my mom really wanted this for me. I even told my doctor that I still wanted the surgery, that I had to do it for my mom but they pushed it once again. Apparently ten days after the loss of my mom was too soon to do it. I was rescheduled for December 10th. The surgery went pretty well and I'm recovering fine.

Both of my patently already had surgery years ago. My dad to save his life and my mom because she had so many stomach problems not because of her weight. They both had told me that my appetite would pretty much disappear. That is not the case at all. It's ridiculous because I'm not hungry. I have no hunger at all. I just want to eat. I've found myself chewing on food and spitting it out just so I can taste something. I had a tiny cookie today and I felt guilty, like I was doing something bad. Exactly like I did when I was a kid and would sneak food. I've literally been big my whole life. I was an 8 pound baby even one month premature. I know I have some kind of mental problem having to do with food.

I feel like as soon as I'm physically able to eat real food again that my weight loss will halt and I'll just gain all of it back.

I'm scared but I don't know what to do.

Please don't bash me. I've been through enough and I don't have my comfort anymore.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Top weight: 427

Surgery weight: 387

Current weight: 350

Sent from my LML212VL using BariatricPal mobile app

Therapy. You'll benefit from therapy to work through your issues. You know it's not coming from actual hunger - it's coming from an internal desire to eat, whether it's for comfort or for taste, or habit. I am the same way. Many of us are - it's what we call "head hunger." You'll have to work through your other issues that cause you to eat, and therapy is a good place to start.

For me, I've started exercising. Exercising releases those feel good hormones just like eating does, so it's a great replacement.