Hi ladies,

So I was hoping to start an open thread about how you feel as you lose the weight. I mean this to target how you personally feel about yourself and not necessarily health wise. I’ll preface this with the truth that my husband and I are going through a bit of a rough patch. I caught him texting inappropriate things to another woman and all of it has lead to me to really focus on my own feelings about what I think of myself. (She was thin and pretty and that shouldn’t be important but my brain just sort of locked in on that.)

I feel great. I don’t feel like people are staring at me because of my size anymore (not that they probably ever were) and I don’t feel like I stick out like a sore thumb when standing next to my thin family. But when I think about what I am capable of since surgery, I should feel like the queen of the freaking world. I lift weights. I am a squat pro. I ran a 5k. I mean who am I?!? I tackle multiple flights of stairs in high heel shoes like it’s nothing. Scratch that, I WEAR high heel shoes which I haven’t been able to do in years. I feel healthier than I have in so so long.

But despite all this, I still truly struggle when people compliment me. I get nervous and awkward, and honestly it’s not cute on a 31yr old mother of 2 as it was when you were a teen. I am still so uncertain of what’s appropriate for the new me. I had these aspirations to wear maybe a few form fitting clothes, but still won’t dare. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super conservative anyways but I was kind of hoping to retire the “flowy I might be pregnant” shirts LOL. I still look in the mirror and think “just a little more and you’ll be normal”. Despite how great I feel, I still struggle a little with thinking I look good. I almost feel bad thinking I look good, if that makes sense? Like instead of just saying “you look beautiful today” I think instead “you look so much less terrible than you did before” or even “you’ll look better if you just lost xx more”.

So yeah I am working on that. Did any of you struggle with reevaluating your relationship with yourself? Do you view yourself as a project in the works?

For those of you who hit goal or are maintaining, did you decide that because you felt like you hit it, or because you hit the number you set? How long did it take you to feel comfortable in your new skin?

Maybe I wouldn’t be thinking this if my husband inspired this reflection, but here I am. I want to start appreciating my successes more and perhaps learn to just accept compliments. You know without the awkward laugh/giggle thing I do when someone says something LOL.

Funny story: a (quite handsome) stranger asked to buy me a drink when I was with my boss a bar for a work even where I proceeded to gape like a fish, awkwardly point at myself and squeak (yes I really squeaked) “me?!”. It was all sorts of pathetic and then I proceeded to word vomit how I was married but how this never happened and I was super flattered and it was just a sad sad mess. I used to be so confident....

Anyways would love to hear your thoughts and maybe some funny stories of how you are acclimating to the new you!

On 11/08/2018 at 20:27, Kay07 said:

Hi ladies,



So I was hoping to start an open thread about how you feel as you lose the weight. I mean this to target how you personally feel about yourself and not necessarily health wise. I’ll preface this with the truth that my husband and I are going through a bit of a rough patch. I caught him texting inappropriate things to another woman and all of it has lead to me to really focus on my own feelings about what I think of myself. (She was thin and pretty and that shouldn’t be important but my brain just sort of locked in on that.)



I feel great. I don’t feel like people are staring at me because of my size anymore (not that they probably ever were) and I don’t feel like I stick out like a sore thumb when standing next to my thin family. But when I think about what I am capable of since surgery, I should feel like the queen of the freaking world. I lift weights. I am a squat pro. I ran a 5k. I mean who am I?!? I tackle multiple flights of stairs in high heel shoes like it’s nothing. Scratch that, I WEAR high heel shoes which I haven’t been able to do in years. I feel healthier than I have in so so long.



But despite all this, I still truly struggle when people compliment me. I get nervous and awkward, and honestly it’s not cute on a 31yr old mother of 2 as it was when you were a teen. I am still so uncertain of what’s appropriate for the new me. I had these aspirations to wear maybe a few form fitting clothes, but still won’t dare. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super conservative anyways but I was kind of hoping to retire the “flowy I might be pregnant” shirts LOL. I still look in the mirror and think “just a little more and you’ll be normal”. Despite how great I feel, I still struggle a little with thinking I look good. I almost feel bad thinking I look good, if that makes sense? Like instead of just saying “you look beautiful today” I think instead “you look so much less terrible than you did before” or even “you’ll look better if you just lost xx more”.



So yeah I am working on that. Did any of you struggle with reevaluating your relationship with yourself? Do you view yourself as a project in the works?



For those of you who hit goal or are maintaining, did you decide that because you felt like you hit it, or because you hit the number you set? How long did it take you to feel comfortable in your new skin?



Maybe I wouldn’t be thinking this if my husband inspired this reflection, but here I am. I want to start appreciating my successes more and perhaps learn to just accept compliments. You know without the awkward laugh/giggle thing I do when someone says something LOL.



Funny story: a (quite handsome) stranger asked to buy me a drink when I was with my boss a bar for a work even where I proceeded to gape like a fish, awkwardly point at myself and squeak (yes I really squeaked) “me?!”. It was all sorts of pathetic and then I proceeded to word vomit how I was married but how this never happened and I was super flattered and it was just a sad sad mess. I used to be so confident....



Anyways would love to hear your thoughts and maybe some funny stories of how you are acclimating to the new you!

I feel about the same. Any time I get attention makes me feel super awkward. But I’m pretty sure I did score a free tea two weeks ago for being cute, so that was neat.

Girl...

This thread hit home for me. I can't take a compliment to save my life. It's a literal complete struggle but I'm working on it.

The more attention I received the more withdrawn I become. Being an object of desire is not as fun as it sounds. I don't trust motives anymore where things used to be so clean cut. I've worked hard to curate my personality and all of a sudden it doesn't matter anymore and long as you look pretty. I feel disenfranchised.

Men will look for attention in all the wrong places, it's not you, it's him. Don't focus on reasons too hard, it will only make you feel worse.

My hubs tells me how great I'm looking, his family does too since they saw me the first time since surgery around Halloween. But, I feel flabby. But it's all about perspective.

@Kay07

You should feel good about yourself. Eating healthy, 5K and rocking high heels.

(1) So yeah I am working on that. Did any of you struggle with reevaluating your relationship with yourself? Do you view yourself as a project in the works?

This transformation is more than physical. I used my time at the gym or walking to process the mental side of WLS. I had to let go of all the negative messages from others and myself about my weight. I had to process how differently people are simply because of weight loss. I found that I was an adrenaline junkie love a challenge. I am also the same core person with the same values.

Interesting that many of us share the experience of not knowing how to take compliments. I was used to being invisible to the opposite sex. It's a bit unnerving when suddenly they are showing attraction. It takes time to get used to. Its ok to feel awkward

my compliment scale

• appropriate - Say thank you and move on.
• hilarious - They'll make great NSV. Please share them
• inappropriate /creepy - Depending on the situation I confront them.

Know that it's ok to feel good about the way you look and feel. Have fun and experiment with clothing you want to wear. Find your own style. Life is short. Rock your bad@ss self.

We are all a work in progress. Never stop. Keep growing and changing in life.

(2) For those of you who hit goal or are maintaining, did you decide that because you felt like you hit it, or because you hit the number you set? How long did it take you to feel comfortable in your new skin?

I pulled my goal weight of 140 out of thin air. I worked my program to get to reach it and beyond. Nothing magic, it was the work put in.

First year after goal. I hid from mirrors and cameras for years. I had to work on seeing myself smaller. I would still move around people as if I was larger and didnt want my hip to bump into them.*laughing* Just a bunch of small things like that. After the first year my mind caught up with the weight loss.

On 11/08/2018 at 23:16, GreenTealael said:

Girl...

This thread hit home for me. I can't take a compliment to save my life. It's a literal complete struggle but I'm working on it.

The more attention I received the more withdrawn I become. Being an object of desire is not as fun as it sounds. I don't trust motives anymore where things used to be so clean cut. I've worked hard to curate my personality and all of a sudden it doesn't matter anymore and long as you look pretty. I feel disenfranchised.

Men will look for attention in all the wrong places, it's not you, it's him. Don't focus on reasons too hard, it will only make you feel worse.

Spot on with questioning motives. I think mostly the surgery has had a positive impact on my marriage, but that hasn’t come without some self-work with being more open about my feelings and needs. I noticed it seemed like he was being more affectionate post-surgery than he had been before... and it was really starting to get under my skin.. the possibility that he might like me more now... However, when I brought this up during a “discussion” and mentioned it was a bit of a mindf*ck, he told me it was really due to changing jobs and being a lot less stressed. So yeah- glad I finally opened up about it and didn’t let it just fester (which I’m prone to doing).

I feel like skin looks sickly sallow, my cheeks have lost their roundness, looking gaunt, my neck emerges from my sweats etc like a turtle out of its shell, as I lose weight my fat instead smooth is blobby, but feeling sorry for me this AM. NPO until procedure at 2:50 pm, would ask somebody to shoot me, put me out of this misery, but if they miss I'll have more pain and a gunshot wound to heal. All my friends are poor shots anyway, have had cataract surgery or their families took their guns away. Oh S*** I guess I'll exist another day??✊

7 minutes ago, Frustr8 said:

I feel like skin looks sickly sallow, my cheeks have lost their roundness, looking gaunt, my neck emerges from my sweats etc like a turtle out of its shell, as I lose weight my fat instead smooth is blobby, but feeling sorry for me this AM. NPO until procedure at 2:50 pm, would ask somebody to shoot me, put me out of this misery, but if they miss I'll have more pain and a gunshot wound to heal. All my friends are poor shots anyway, have had cataract surgery or their families took their guns away. Oh S*** I guess I'll exist another day??✊

I don't know whether to laugh, like, or hug this because I feel like you just spoke for me. I don't have a procedure. But I know the feeling of NPO until late in the afternoon. And I have a pet turtle and I tell my hubs my body is looking like Bill's (our female turtles name)

50 minutes ago, insta_adventurer said:

Spot on with questioning motives. I think mostly the surgery has had a positive impact on my marriage, but that hasn’t come without some self-work with being more open about my feelings and needs. I noticed it seemed like he was being more affectionate post-surgery than he had been before... and it was really starting to get under my skin.. the possibility that he might like me more now... However, when I brought this up during a “discussion” and mentioned it was a bit of a mindf*ck, he told me it was really due to changing jobs and being a lot less stressed. So yeah- glad I finally opened up about it and didn’t let it just fester (which I’m prone to doing).

I am glad the two of you discussed it and were able to clear the air! I too distrusted my husband's exclamations of beauty, but since clearing the air with him about the texts, I have found myself able to enjoy his words a bit easier. However I am trying to steer myself away from focusing on his words and instead focus on my own.

I am thankfully not one to let fester. I am very direct, so if I think it or feel it, I usually blurt it out with the force of an aluminum baseball bat. I think that's why this shift in my feelings, like being cringe-worthy levels of flustered when complimented is just so not me that it has battled with my feeling of knowing who I am. As has my obvious bitterness over discovering my husband's messages with another woman (in his defense, they were not sexual in nature but more disrespectful regarding our relationship). I felt like I didn't measure up, and that was not something I enjoyed. However it has sparked this two month long self reflection that has at least made me aware of some insecurities I hadn't really known existed, or perhaps I knew and just never had the reason to justify confronting them.

I touched on this very subject during my pre-op psych evaluation. I explained one thing I was not looking forward to while losing weight was all the unsolicited comments and compliments. I've never been good at accepting them; so much so that I can pinpoint a time where a compliment set the wheels in motion for weight regain after I had been successful. The so called compliment was from a person known to be judgmental and think poorly of overweight people. She went on and on in front of co-workers how good I looked. In my head I knew she was saying , "hey, you look good, keep up the work because you really looked like s**t before. " I'm sure she was a mean girl in school. Subconsciously I think I allowed myself to fall off the diet and exercise wagon and start regaining in order to avoid any further attention.

Of course that was an excuse but I knew this time around I would have to deal with the exact same thing so I really worked on appropriate responses. My go to response is "thank you, I've been working really hard on things." Then I tell the voice in my head to shut up and move on. It's worked. If someone presses me for details on "how" I've lost or my favorite "how much" and they aren't a part of my inner circle I've been known to tell them it is none of their business.

The good news is I'm beginning to learn to accept the heartfelt compliments. That said, my husband knows me so well and knows to limit the "mushies" that he often gives back-handed compliments. My favorite was when he told my son , "you better not talk that way to your mom, she is light on her feet and goes to the gym everyday, she will kick your butt. Watch yourself." We laughed as he stormed off to his room.

I've struggled with my weight since puberty and have always felt uncomfortable when receiving attention from attractive men. Even when I'd lose weight, I never felt comfortable. When people start to notice my weight loss, I tend to self sabotage and any progress stops.

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It's been so long since my husband said anything nice about my appearance that if he compliments me post-op I'll probably faint dead-away.

You mean " For a Fat woman, you don't sweat much" always thought it a DUMB statement. Ranks right,up there with "of course, I love you. Didn't I tell back before we got married?'

my personal all-time favorite
Husband:This is my First Wife
Wife: And this is my Last Husband.

It's been so long since my husband said anything nice about my appearance that if he compliments me post-op I'll probably faint dead-away.

Same. So much the same. SMH

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I did the regain-to-hide thing too, about five years ago. Made no sense, knew it didn’t make sense at the time, still was the best way to stop people from staring at me and catcalling me and saying things that basically boiled down to “it’s so much more comfortable for me that you’re not fat anymore!”

Over the past five years I’ve gained a significant amount of professional clout that included a lot of into-the-lions-den type of confrontations, the sort where my tone and attitude remain sweet but I hold the line and generally... impose my will? That sounds weird. But basically going up against someone else psychologically and being able to confidently negotiate. And I think that attitude has carried over to post-surgical weight loss. For some reason, this time round I am just not having it. No one gets cute with their words, trash guys generally stay respectful and I am weirdly unencumbered by negative thoughts.

I certainly am AWARE I still have hangups. I’ve lost enough weight that not just upper arms but thighs and boobs are now pretty loose without clothes. But my mindset about it is just wholly different. I used to dive right back into a nightgown after shenanigans, or pull the sheet up over my chest. For some reason I do not give a toss anymore and just do what’s comfortable.

Which is a long way to say: do I feel more attractive? Conventionally yes, I get more looks and I fit into what I used to call “normal human clothes”, so societal validation has pretty much ticked that box. But do I personally feel more attractive? I’d have to say I just feel a blend of way, way more confident and comfortable in my (loose!) skin, which probably changes my aura considerably. If a person important to me finds that attractive then great, but I’m not sure I would get a vote. I’m the same. The casing and society’s reaction is just different.