Relationship issues after surgery

[NewBodySoon 22]

Hi everyone. I have never had depression in my entire life not even as a big girl. Now 6 wks put of surgery and down from 200 to 168 lbs I am being faced with all sorts of unstable emotions. My relationship with my partner is struggling. He isn't really the affectionate type to begin with but lately he has been distancing even more or so I feel. I feel rejected at times, feel like he comes up with vague excuses for his behavior. All he keeps saying is "your going through major image changes, I dont think I fit in anymore" he claims that I am always needing massive attention from him. But when one is feeling lonely, and rejected how could one not feel needy. This whole thing is just too much for me to handle. Its stressing me out to the point where I **** down my stomach completely. I made an appointment to see the bariatric physiologist tomorrow and I asked him to come with me. We have been together for 6 yrs and living together for 3.5 yrs. I dont know what to do. I feel we are all going through all sorts of changes. I want to be able to take control of my emotions and direct my attention on something else. I hate feeling this way and feel out of control. Any advice is welcome

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[Lola4rmKona 82]

Hi everyone. I have never had depression in my entire life not even as a big girl. Now 6 wks put of surgery and down from 200 to 168 lbs I am being faced with all sorts of unstable emotions. My relationship with my partner is struggling. He isn't really the affectionate type to begin with but lately he has been distancing even more or so I feel. I feel rejected at times, feel like he comes up with vague excuses for his behavior. All he keeps saying is "your going through major image changes, I dont think I fit in anymore" he claims that I am always needing massive attention from him. But when one is feeling lonely, and rejected how could one not feel needy. This whole thing is just too much for me to handle. Its stressing me out to the point where I **** down my stomach completely. I made an appointment to see the bariatric physiologist tomorrow and I asked him to come with me. We have been together for 6 yrs and living together for 3.5 yrs. I dont know what to do. I feel we are all going through all sorts of changes. I want to be able to take control of my emotions and direct my attention on something else. I hate feeling this way and feel out of control. Any advice is welcome
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Please find a therapist asap. I had a personal therapist for 5 years and counting. I also saw the surgery required psychologist. The surgery is hard enough and the first 3 months out you will experience so much emotions that what you need right now is support and not "distance" from partner. Sounds like he has issues with you losing and who needs that? My spouse was supportive until day of surgery and I argued with him and ended up driving myself to my surgery going under without seeing him. I woke up to him at my side and I told him that he needed to address his baggage or we were headed for divorce. He later went on to sabotage my progress by buying all the crap food that got me to obesity in the first place and keep it in house. He would play the "you look nice, who are you seeing today " game. In short, he became asshat who was jealous all the time of the imaginary men who were now looking at me after losing weight and could not handle all the wonderful changes and confidence I was gaining after surgery. I had to kick him out for him to see and make a difference. He is now seeing a therapist and working on himself. My point, this is a journey to a whole new you. You will lose people and relationships. Determine who matters and be upfront about what you expect of them. If they aren't meeting you halfway, your heart already knows what to do. Good luck and please reach out to a therapist. You would be surprised how empowered you feel when you work with someone who truly cares about your emotional and mental wellbeing. Aloha

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[Healthy_life 1,437]

3 hours ago, NewBodySoon said:

Hi everyone. I have never had depression in my entire life not even as a big girl. Now 6 wks put of surgery and down from 200 to 168 lbs I am being faced with all sorts of unstable emotions. My relationship with my partner is struggling. He isn't really the affectionate type to begin with but lately he has been distancing even more or so I feel. I feel rejected at times, feel like he comes up with vague excuses for his behavior. All he keeps saying is "your going through major image changes, I dont think I fit in anymore" he claims that I am always needing massive attention from him. But when one is feeling lonely, and rejected how could one not feel needy. This whole thing is just too much for me to handle. Its stressing me out to the point where I **** down my stomach completely. I made an appointment to see the bariatric physiologist tomorrow and I asked him to come with me. We have been together for 6 yrs and living together for 3.5 yrs. I dont know what to do. I feel we are all going through all sorts of changes. I want to be able to take control of my emotions and direct my attention on something else. I hate feeling this way and feel out of control. Any advice is welcome

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Bariatric therapist is a great idea. I hope you will work through all this and overcome the struggle. Have you thought about marriage counselling to address what going on in the relationship?

[abefroman329 704]

I highly recommend anyone who has the surgery obtains talk therapy, relationship or no relationship. You won’t know who you are any more, and you can’t work through that feeling on your own.

Edited October 19, 2018 by abefroman329

[Bootscraper 56]

Personal anecdote, not saying you're heading for the same path:

I lost weight on my own once in the past, about 70lbs (I've gained it all back and more and now almost approved for surgery). I was married and my husband didn't like me losing weight. He often accused me of looking for other men. This was not about *me*, I was not being secretive, flirting with men or whatever he thought. His problems were about HIM - self consciousness, feeling of inadequacy, alcoholism, thinking I would leave him if I finally got the self confidence and decided that he was not right for me. He refused couples counseling and I finally did leave, not because I wanted someone else - but because I wanted to be treated with the respect that should be given in any relationship, but he was a toxic person.

If you cannot get your partner to participate in counseling - go on your own. You can learn a lot about boundaries, respect, why you accept or participate in unhealthy behaviors, etc.

[SteveT74 359]

It sounds to me like what some of your are describing are inherently flawed relationships. These weren't healthy relationships pre-surgery and the fact that had surgery is placing a new pressure on an otherwise unhealthy relationship. This can push a relationship to the breaking point faster, but the truth is the relationship was on a downward trajectory already. Any partner should be thrilled that his or her loved one is doing what they need to do to lead a healthier lifestyle. If they are trying to sabotage it or can't cope with the changes, they may not be the right person for you. If they are willing to go to couples counseling to work through the issues, there's hope at least. If they aren't willing to do this or they try to shift the blame to you or use guilt to manipulate you, they are not a partner--they are an adversary.