My husband is dead set against me having wls. Any advice on how to overcome that?

[monalyssa33 138]

Have him attend an information session with you. When my aunt had WLS about 20 years ago, my uncle felt the need to start losing weight himself (even though he's never had an issue with weight) when my aunt started losing weight. So if your husband weighs less than you, that could be an issue, but I suspect the biggest worry from your husband is that he is scared about something going wrong. So I think having him learn more about WLS with you it will bring him more on board.

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

Thank you all for your input! This forum has been a source of inspiration and support for me.

As for my husband, I dropped the subject of WLS surgery temporarily so that we could enjoy Valentine’s Day and his birthday this past weekend without conflict. We have both put in a lot of work on our marriage in the past few years, and I’m not willing to throw all of that away. I have decided to write him a letter outlining how important this is to me and the reasons I want to do it. I sometimes have a difficult time articulating my point when we’re in a heated discussion. I have also discussed this issue with our best friends who are a couple that we spend a lot of time with. They are excited for me, and are prepared to back me up and help him see that he’s being selfish by withholding his support on this. If he’s still not on board by the time of my appointment with the surgeon in March, I may schedule an appointment with our pastor who is a licensed counselor that my husband has the utmost respect for.

I’m feeling hopeful again about the possibility of changing my life for the better! [emoji4]

And what happens if after all that. He still isn't onboard? What then? I honestly haven't seen someone being this extreme . Sure you may not like your partners choice but you still have to respect them as a human being and allow them to do what's best for them. You can't just withhold your support Everytime you don't agree.

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[dreamingsmall 1,125]

Thank you all for your input! This forum has been a source of inspiration and support for me.

As for my husband, I dropped the subject of WLS surgery temporarily so that we could enjoy Valentine’s Day and his birthday this past weekend without conflict. We have both put in a lot of work on our marriage in the past few years, and I’m not willing to throw all of that away. I have decided to write him a letter outlining how important this is to me and the reasons I want to do it. I sometimes have a difficult time articulating my point when we’re in a heated discussion. I have also discussed this issue with our best friends who are a couple that we spend a lot of time with. They are excited for me, and are prepared to back me up and help him see that he’s being selfish by withholding his support on this. If he’s still not on board by the time of my appointment with the surgeon in March, I may schedule an appointment with our pastor who is a licensed counselor that my husband has the utmost respect for.

I’m feeling hopeful again about the possibility of changing my life for the better! [emoji4]

He should have the ut most respect for you. Saying he won't even discuss it. How disrespectful can someone be. You know that's not normal right ? After the surgery when you lose all the weight your eyes become clearer and suddenly you realise your worth. Perhaps he doesn't want that to happen. As you won't tolerate that kind of disrespect when you value your self more . Goodluck. I doubt he will come onboard with the prospect of his wife looking better than him as it sounds like that might be it.

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[Done33 8]

He should have the ut most respect for you. Saying he won't even discuss it. How disrespectful can someone be. You know that's not normal right ? After the surgery when you lose all the weight your eyes become clearer and suddenly you realise your worth. Perhaps he doesn't want that to happen. As you won't tolerate that kind of disrespect when you value your self more . Goodluck. I doubt he will come onboard with the prospect of his wife looking better than him as it sounds like that might be it.

This extreme? I have. My own husband. I too was in the same boat with my husband shutting down what I thought was any chance of an open discussion about the topic.

Whilst, he has the right to make his choice on the matter, all I wanted was that he make an informed decision. His apprehension to this, was as I suspected due to the fact that he thought it was the easy way out and that I was doing purely out vanity, but I asked him some tough questions, like was he willing to push me around in the a wheel chair should my weight debilitate me, could he stand to see me in constant pain,??? Because I was unwilling to let him carry that burden so I continue to approach about it. Eventually he gave me a hearing, and like a well prepared defence attorney, I had everything ready, before n after photos, YouTube videos, facts about the operation and everything in between.

Today I’m 5 weeks away from surgery and he his my biggest support. He only has good things to look forward to and even though there is time for things to change, but I keep letting him know changes are going to come about and that we will overcome them together. Whilst pre-op diet is important for surgery, so is pre-op marriage discussions. Don’t wait until post op for things to rear it’s ugly head.. try and tackle the issues before the surgery, you’ll find your better for it.

Be patient and work on it, he will eventually get past his scratch the surface knowledge of the surgery and will be able to see surgery is definitely not the easy way out.

All the best.

[Healthy_life2 8,330]

On 2/19/2018 at 12:56 PM, dreamangel1974 said:

Thank you all for your input! This forum has been a source of inspiration and support for me.

As for my husband, I dropped the subject of WLS surgery temporarily so that we could enjoy Valentine’s Day and his birthday this past weekend without conflict. We have both put in a lot of work on our marriage in the past few years, and I’m not willing to throw all of that away. I have decided to write him a letter outlining how important this is to me and the reasons I want to do it. I sometimes have a difficult time articulating my point when we’re in a heated discussion. I have also discussed this issue with our best friends who are a couple that we spend a lot of time with. They are excited for me, and are prepared to back me up and help him see that he’s being selfish by withholding his support on this. If he’s still not on board by the time of my appointment with the surgeon in March, I may schedule an appointment with our pastor who is a licensed counselor that my husband has the utmost respect for.

I’m feeling hopeful again about the possibility of changing my life for the better!

My two cents....

Here is the obstacle - He is withholding support and not respecting your medical decisions. His remedy to the situation His diet plan for you and no conversation about it.

It takes two actively working on a marriage. When one refuses to even discuss something its a big red flag. I agree with you. Counseling sounds like a great option. He should have respect for any licensed professional ...right?

Life's too short to not have a voice.

• Dropping subjects to avoid conflict,
• Is your point not be articulated or is it being walked over?
• other people having to show him how selfish he is? (I think he knows exactly what he's doing to get his way)
• is your decision/opinion less valuable than his?

Live life with no regrets. Wish you the best in how ever this plays out for you.

Jenn

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

This extreme? I have. My own husband. I too was in the same boat with my husband shutting down what I thought was any chance of an open discussion about the topic.
Whilst, he has the right to make his choice on the matter, all I wanted was that he make an informed decision. His apprehension to this, was as I suspected due to the fact that he thought it was the easy way out and that I was doing purely out vanity, but I asked him some tough questions, like was he willing to push me around in the a wheel chair should my weight debilitate me, could he stand to see me in constant pain,??? Because I was unwilling to let him carry that burden so I continue to approach about it. Eventually he gave me a hearing, and like a well prepared defence attorney, I had everything ready, before n after photos, YouTube videos, facts about the operation and everything in between.
Today I’m 5 weeks away from surgery and he his my biggest support. He only has good things to look forward to and even though there is time for things to change, but I keep letting him know changes are going to come about and that we will overcome them together. Whilst pre-op diet is important for surgery, so is pre-op marriage discussions. Don’t wait until post op for things to rear it’s ugly head.. try and tackle the issues before the surgery, you’ll find your better for it.
Be patient and work on it, he will eventually get past his scratch the surface knowledge of the surgery and will be able to see surgery is definitely not the easy way out.
All the best.

Yes. I personally haven't encountered such an extreme reaction. But understand people being worried or not agreeing. But I'm sure there are all kinds of people out in the world. I hope your advice will help the op as I hope it doesn't stop her doing it

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[TooBIG.net 36]

It's hard to answer this question without other factors being involved. If you don't have support from your spouse then I would think there's other issues in the marriage that we just don't know about or that you might not be willing to admit.

Best advice I can give is really sitting him down and asking him if I go through with this will I have your support and if not what are your next steps.

[Healthy_life2 8,330]

3 minutes ago, TooBIG.net said:

It's hard to answer this question without other factors being involved. If you don't have support from your spouse then I would think there's other issues in the marriage that we just don't know about or that you might not be willing to admit.

Best advice I can give is really sitting him down and asking him if I go through with this will I have your support and if not what are your next steps.

Good point

@dreamangel1974 would you be open to going through the process without his support?

[apositivelife4me 189]

Why do you have to have his approval, you aren't a little girl. Tell him to take a hike. Or better yet tell him to pack up his things and leave. That might get his attention.It is your body not his.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

If there have been past issues that took a lot of work, as you state, then this attitude pops up with the 'easy way out' statement - then you aren't done working on issues. I would go the counseling route ASAP. If you had to tiptoe around Valentine'sDay and his BD, you KNOW there are issues unresolved.

He sounds controlling based on what little you revealed so far. But he could also be afraid of changes, this is your battle with weight and health and ONLY you can do it ultimately. It will involve changes, a lot of them and gaining self-esteem will be one end result, so is the focus on food as comfort, recreation, shared enjoyment. This doesn't mean you won't enjoy food, it just means that food isn't the 'end all be all' of life, it is just food and not your 'best friend'.

Good luck, saying prayers for the best outcome, and keep us informed.

[Done33 8]

Why do you have to have his approval, you aren't a little girl. Tell him to take a hike. Or better yet tell him to pack up his things and leave. That might get his attention.It is your body not his.

So is he expected to say yes to everything straight away? Yes it’s her body but their marriage. If she wants the surgery she should have it, but giving him an ultimatum simply because he doesn’t agree the first time she approaches it? Now that is extreme.

[dreamangel1974 38]

Wow! This seems to be a real hot button issue for many people. I am happy to report that my husband is coming around and seems willing to at least support me and my decision, even if he really wishes I wouldn’t have surgery.

I appreciate all of the helpful comments and concern about this issue and the state of my marriage. Someone mentioned underlying or unresolved issues, and you are absolutely right! We have worked together on multiple issues, but personal growth takes time. The reason I am committed to make the marriage work is that I see a desire and willingness in my husband for continued growth. He has many redeeming qualities that offset his occasional fall back into controlling behavior. Old habits die hard, but we are both working on our individual issues to make our marriage successful. [emoji173]️

[Done33 8]

Wow! This seems to be a real hot button issue for many people. I am happy to report that my husband is coming around and seems willing to at least support me and my decision, even if he really wishes I wouldn’t have surgery.

I appreciate all of the helpful comments and concern about this issue and the state of my marriage. Someone mentioned underlying or unresolved issues, and you are absolutely right! We have worked together on multiple issues, but personal growth takes time. The reason I am committed to make the marriage work is that I see a desire and willingness in my husband for continued growth. He has many redeeming qualities that offset his occasional fall back into controlling behavior. Old habits die hard, but we are both working on our individual issues to make our marriage successful. [emoji173]️

That’s awesome to hear.

For me it’s not a hot topic issue but I don’t understand the mentality behind ‘ if he says no leave’ ... Seriously, I’m sure your vows was in sickness and in health, not ‘ when you don’t get what you want, I’m leaving’. Compromise is what you aim for in a marriage, and if everything has to be your way or his way, then it’s not really a marriage.

Genuinely wishing you all the best!

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

@dreamangel1974 that is good news on the progress!!!

[laurileet 86]

Glad you're feeling hopeful again. It's not an easy journey but hopefully he'll be your cheerleader. For sure i'd bring him to a meeting so he can hear the stories of others, and what is involved and most importantly, how you can become healthy and happy for the rest of your life. My husband hasn't pushed back, but sometimes he does say things like, if you keep losing weight, you wont need the surgery. He's a big man, and I think he may be a little insecure about what i'm doing. hang in there. and you're right, don't throw it all way because if a misunderstanding.