Have had a few things on my mind about the process I'm going through, don't quite know how to explain, but am going to attempt to, because I think others might relate.

Food has changed. And I don't say that like some badge of victory. I say it with a little bit of anxiety and a little bit of grief.

Everything still *tastes* like it used to....but the effect of food has changed significantly in my life. (and even my physiology) And my preferences for foods have certainly changed.

I really LOVED food. Sort of akin to maybe how a homebrewist loves beer. It was my go-to to relax. It made a bad day more bearable. It took the edge off emotionally difficult situations. It was a source of joy and comfort.

Back when I was doing my 6 month diet...I still loved food. I still had my little food love affair celebrations. Every Friday, I'd budget my calories and splurge on a glazed donut. (yes, I know this is pure poison)...but it was a wonderful treat, and I really enjoyed that donut I'd earned by being good all week. With a big cup of premium coffee. And I was losing weight, so why not?

I told myself I'd still do this once in a while...obviously I can't eat a whole donut....but I thought....maybe one of these days I'll get a donut and cut off a little quarter of it...let hubby eat the rest...and still have my little donut reward for a job well done.

Now here's the weird part.

I've found myself standing in front of the same donut case...looking at those damned glazed donuts....several weeks in a row now...and I can't get myself to buy one. Not because I think I'm going to screw anything up hopelessly...I won't. Not because I feel I couldn't control the quantity...I know I could. I just feel sad looking at the donuts. Just this weird grief of knowing it wouldn't feel the same if I ate it.

And this is what I'm finding hard to describe...

It's like the beer homebrew guy...who would really like like a beer....opening up beer after beer...only to find they all taste like ice tea. I mean...sure, ice tea is great...it's wet, you can drink it and not be thirsty. But what you wanted doesn't exist anymore.

Food no longer affords me a coping mechanism. And I'm not sure how to feel about that. Part of me is delighted...because I know THAT is the root problem...food shouldn't be a coping mechanism. Food shouldn't be a love affair. That's a big part of why I got fat.

But the other part of me feels a little freaked out by this. Like...damn, what do I use now as a coping mechanism? I can totally understand how crossover addictions happen. And while I don't think I'm really at risk for one because I'm expressing all of this to my support people and trying to come up with some other good ideas for coping mechanisms......I understand the danger, now. I think being aware and talking about it helps a lot. I'm avoiding alcohol and other substances that could potentially be problematic, too....at least until I feel like i've got this all figured out and have settled in feeling more comfortable about it.

But yeah....this? This was unexpected.

My husband said last night.....OK, for a long time you were trying to make a lifestyle change and you equated all of these fantastic outcomes to that someday mythical lifestyle change.....but now that you have made the lifestyle changes you're noticing the reality isn't exactly what you thought it would be. And that's the thing about any major endeavor, there will be surprises, both positive and negative. I think you're doing great, and doing a great job of taking it all in stride. Keep talking to me.

I think I'll keep him.

No regrets about the surgery...I'm overall increadibly happy. Just trying to describe something that I really didn't see coming.

Edited February 7, 20188 yr by Creekimp13

Defiitely agree. I’ve had some of the foods that used to be awesome (my glazed donut) and they just don’’’t have the same effect. They’r not worth eating and whatever they used to give me before they don’t give me now. That’s great from a eating well perspective, its bad from a coping perspective because even little amounts of those foods aren’t interesting anymore. Definitely a change. I’m hoping for an exercise addiction.