Family Issues and Emotional Eating

[ChaosUnlimited 559]

I love my family but it has been very difficult being overweight where they are concerned. I have struggled with my weight all my life, yo-yo'ing until my 30's when I just couldn't lose anymore and started steadily gaining. My parents are very superficial about looks and weight, and though I know the intention was not to be cruel, at least in my moms case, there have been many hurtful things done and said over the years to the point that I hate to go visit. Yet I do, because it's family.

So now that I've lost a bunch of weight, all of a sudden I'm being offered food left and right. I arrived yesterday and went to the grocery store to get things I can eat, and I said as much to everyone. They do a lot of carbs and I'm doing low carb, but I don't want anyone to have to worry about whether or not I will eat this or that for meals, I have my stuff if I can't have what everyone else is having.

So this morning, everyone is having Breakfast. I like to have a cup of Decaf, then wait my 30 min, and have some cottage cheese and fruit. While I was drinking coffee my mom asked if I needed my blueberries out. I said no thanks, I'm not ready to eat yet - so I know she remembered that I had my breakfast planned. Then comes the barrage of food offerings: a bagel, Cereal, a sugar filled "breakfast bar", and oatmeal. I finally was like: Just. Stop. I'll eat when I want. For the record, before I lost weight, no one ever worried so much about what or when I eat. Now it seems to be everyones focus.

Then this afternoon my mom called her friend to come over to pick something up. I never met this woman before, and she asked me "So how are you feeling now? You are looking so much healthier!" So I guess she'd seen a picture? Which was odd because I wasn't included in pictures too often before, but there were some I made it in for last Christmas. I felt like the whole purpose of the visit was for my mom to parade me in front of this person to show her how much better I look now. When my mom found out I was having surgery (I wasn't going to tell her but my youngest spilled the beans), I told her I didn't really want to tell anyone, but close family is ok.

There is more, but I won't make this a novel. I'm trying hard to make this a nice visit and make good memories. All of my adult kids are able to be here and I want to enjoy the holiday with them more than anything. I can feel that emotional stress building, and I really want to take a bite of a brownie or a cookie, but I refuse to give my parents the satisfaction of failing - I'm sure my mom would love to tell all her friends about it. (And though I had planned a cheat item, an emotional snack binge is not the same as a planned cheat item) Please send me strengthening vibes to get through this. I just needed somewhere to vent so I can go back and face everyone with a smile.

[Healthy_life2 8,319]

5 minutes ago, ChaosUnlimited said:

I love my family but it has been very difficult being overweight where they are concerned. I have struggled with my weight all my life, yo-yo'ing until my 30's when I just couldn't lose anymore and started steadily gaining. My parents are very superficial about looks and weight, and though I know the intention was not to be cruel, at least in my moms case, there have been many hurtful things done and said over the years to the point that I hate to go visit. Yet I do, because it's family.

So now that I've lost a bunch of weight, all of a sudden I'm being offered food left and right. I arrived yesterday and went to the grocery store to get things I can eat, and I said as much to everyone. They do a lot of carbs and I'm doing low carb, but I don't want anyone to have to worry about whether or not I will eat this or that for meals, I have my stuff if I can't have what everyone else is having.

So this morning, everyone is having Breakfast. I like to have a cup of Decaf, then wait my 30 min, and have some cottage cheese and fruit. While I was drinking coffee my mom asked if I needed my blueberries out. I said no thanks, I'm not ready to eat yet - so I know she remembered that I had my Breakfast planned. Then comes the barrage of food offerings: a bagel, Cereal, a sugar filled "breakfast bar", and oatmeal. I finally was like: Just. Stop. I'll eat when I want. For the record, before I lost weight, no one ever worried so much about what or when I eat. Now it seems to be everyones focus.

Then this afternoon my mom called her friend to come over to pick something up. I never met this woman before, and she asked me "So how are you feeling now? You are looking so much healthier!" So I guess she'd seen a picture? Which was odd because I wasn't included in pictures too often before, but there were some I made it in for last Christmas. I felt like the whole purpose of the visit was for my mom to parade me in front of this person to show her how much better I look now. When my mom found out I was having surgery (I wasn't going to tell her but my youngest spilled the beans), I told her I didn't really want to tell anyone, but close family is ok.

There is more, but I won't make this a novel. I'm trying hard to make this a nice visit and make good memories. All of my adult kids are able to be here and I want to enjoy the holiday with them more than anything. I can feel that emotional stress building, and I really want to take a bite of a brownie or a cookie, but I refuse to give my parents the satisfaction of failing - I'm sure my mom would love to tell all her friends about it. (And though I had planned a cheat item, an emotional snack binge is not the same as a planned cheat item) Please send me strengthening vibes to get through this. I just needed somewhere to vent so I can go back and face everyone with a smile.

Oh yes, family members.

Congrats on 94 down! I will be thinking of you throughout the holidays.

Sorry about how your family is superficial about weight. I can relate. My inner fat girl still has a chip on my shoulder about a few specific family members. I used my sister in laws photo for motivation for a month. I placed it on my treadmill. I was not going to give up.

You are right, all you can do is say no when people push food in your direction. Sometimes it's out of concern of how little we eat, Other times food is their way to show love (please eat aunt kate's pie or you will hurt her feelings) The worst is when they push food at you in an attempt to sabotage your weight loss.

I hope your mom is showing you off because she is proud of you. Keep people in your life that love and support you,

You will press through this thanksgiving. Be strong girl!

[hope4momof4 162]

Hey there,

I can relate to you 100%. I have not had my procedure done yet but the family gatherings were by far the worst part of being overweight. I come from a family with a history of obesity at least from my mom’s side. What makes it worse is that she is the first one to comment about our weights while she herself is morbidly obese! It’s hurtful and after some time it can really beat you up emotionally. I always felt like her star when I managed to lose some weight and look healthy but as soon as the weight came back (which of course it almost always did) I’d be back in fat group to be admonished for gaining weight and not taking better care of myself. You would think she would know how hard the struggle is. I just can’t understand what our moms are trying to achieve. I can’t explain their behavior at all. However, I can tell you this—- you lost the weight and you worked hard to get where you are. Don’t let your mother’s remarks or behavior ruin what YOU achieved. You were brave enough to take that step towards a healthier you and that courage shouldn’t dwindle because your mother can’t recognize how hard you worked for it. Don’t let her or anyone sabotage this for you. I’m speaking ahead as there will be other situations that will require all of your will to overcome. When you are tempted to have “an emotional snack binge” do something else to distract you like take a walk or strike up a conversation with your older children to get through it. You have succeeded so far (94 pounds is quite an amazing feat) don’t let this emotional stress lead you back to your pre surgery days. You are better than that and you can get through this. If that isn’t enough—— think of how much satisfaction you’ll feel when you haven’t failed and don’t give your mom something else to talk about. We all have our crosses to bear in life just for some of us our parents are the crosses we have to bear. All my best my dear. You can do this!! Sending you strength and encouragement!💝💝

Edited November 23, 2017 by hope4momof4

[Danny Paul 761]

At my monthly group meetings I often hear about what you describe from others in the group. It's always family members looking down on them, their friends now are jealous and stop calling or the group drifted away from them because they are not the fat person anymore. After a few group sessions I noticed one common denominator with these comments. They are always directed at women. It seems none of the males in the group had the same negative experiences that the women have. It seems women bear the brunt of the criticism whether they are overweight or if they lose weight. It's different for guys. If we are overweight it's the norm, the thin guy in the group is out of place. When we lose weight everyone is cheering us on and asking for our advice on how to lose weight. When we eventually gain the weight back (hopefully not after WLS) people say hey, you lost it once you can lose it again. It seems from what I'm hearing women aren't treated the same.

[FluffyChix 17,409]

Oh man! That sucks!!! ((hugs)) To each of you!!! @ChaosUnlimited You've done amazing and come so far honey!!!!! Please dig deep. Affirm the love and pride you have in yourself and count your successes. Trust me, as someone who fell off the rail last week, that success tastes better than any bite of carby crap!!!! You got this hon. Take deep breaths and take it one meal at a time. Stick to your guns. Saying prayers of strength sweetie!!!!

[Rainbow_Warrior 996]

On 23/11/2017 at 2:53 PM, Danny Paul said:

They are always directed at women. It seems none of the males in the group had the same negative experiences that the women have. It seems women bear the brunt of the criticism whether they are overweight or if they lose weight. It's different for guys. If we are overweight it's the norm, the thin guy in the group is out of place. When we lose weight everyone is cheering us on and asking for our advice on how to lose weight.

Well, if that's your experience, @Danny Paul, more power to you and those like you.

My experience, while not all negative, is heavy with negatives.

I do agree that society and media find it much easier to accept and forgive fat/obese males. The nasty comments, body shaming, fat shaming and outright verbal abuse is definitely more targeted at women and teenage girls.

[ChaosUnlimited 559]

Thank you all for the support, it was much appreciated. I am home now and getting back into my routine. It was exhausting being with family.

The women in my family all tend to be small and petite. I am like an Amazon next to them at 5'8", and then especially when I was heavy, I was just so much larger next to them, lol. My sister is also heavy, but only about 5'4" or so, however she never comes for family gatherings any more (we both live out of state). I can understand why though, because her and her son, who is also heavy, bore even more of the harassment about their size than I did.

I really think I am going to see a shrink about my feelings of resentment when it comes to my family, I have to find a way to let it go because it affects me more than anyone. I harbor a lot of negative feelings about the past, and though I try not to let them rise to the surface, I can't stop them every time we visit. I end up feeling guilty afterward because I want to have a good relationship with my parents, I know they are getting older and we have limited time on this Earth.

[ChaosUnlimited 559]

On 11/22/2017 at 10:53 PM, Danny Paul said:

At my monthly group meetings I often hear about what you describe from others in the group. It's always family members looking down on them, their friends now are jealous and stop calling or the group drifted away from them because they are not the fat person anymore. After a few group sessions I noticed one common denominator with these comments. They are always directed at women. It seems none of the males in the group had the same negative experiences that the women have. It seems women bear the brunt of the criticism whether they are overweight or if they lose weight. It's different for guys. If we are overweight it's the norm, the thin guy in the group is out of place. When we lose weight everyone is cheering us on and asking for our advice on how to lose weight. When we eventually gain the weight back (hopefully not after WLS) people say hey, you lost it once you can lose it again. It seems from what I'm hearing women aren't treated the same.

Danny, the double standard is most definitely there. Women and young girls are so pressured to watch their figures and look young and pretty (for men) from a very early age, while men don't usually face those societal pressures to the same degree. I haven't had the experience of my friends drifting away, but most of my friends have known me through thick and thin, so they are lifetime friends. However, I have heard the same stories from some women about how they don't fit in with their former group of friends anymore, so not only are they starting over with a new lifestyle, they now have to find a new support system as well, and it's hurtful.

It's ingrained into our culture unfortunately, and all we can do is be aware and try to be supportive to each other, and call it out when we see it.

[Apple203 1,314]

My mother is exactly the same way -- like me, she and my two siblings are all obese, but my mother is super judgmental and overly invested in our weights. And she is not happy with my impending surgery (I shouldn't have told her, damn slip when I was drinking wine!!) I don't get it at all.

[hope4momof4 162]

Sorry for the long post but this topic is very near to my heart. You know ladies, I think we all have deep issues with our moms. I totally agree with ChaosUnlimited where on the one hand we try to spend time with them because we know they don’t have much time but on the other hand, it wipes us out emotionally when we do. Just this Thanksgiving I had my mom over because she needed to get out and my other siblings are absent from her life. (They are absent btw voluntarily, leaving me the burden of her everyday needs and care). Yes she has health issues but those issues should not spill over into her social interactions. The bitterness she emanated her entire stay was unbearable. It is so hard to be around her anymore and she has noticed this from me as my visits are becoming less and less frequent. I’m not sure how I can deal with her quite honestly. To stay away from her is not an option, I’m literally all she has but to be around her is emotionally exhausting and draining. I often try to change the subject when she goes off on her rants to minimize the psychological damage she’s doing. I wish I had an answer for you, ChaosUnlimited, but we have to find a way to tune them out. You have made such good progress and you should be extremely proud of your weight loss and the courage it took to make that tough decision. Please find a way to overcome her effect and don’t give in your stress by eating your success away. I know we walk a fine line with our moms and at times it is very difficult not to explode and just vent out all the bad feelings but let’s restrain from that because the guilt we’ll feel afterwards may also cause us to eat our emotions. Use this forum to work through it if you can and don’t allow your mom to take away YOUR victory. Stay strong!!

[ChaosUnlimited 559]

I'm sorry that so many are going through the same or similar circumstances. It's really difficult when it comes to family, @hope4momof4, you hit the nail on the head. You feel obligated but are at the same time overburdened. There are many issues that factor in to the family dynamic, and I remember trying to talk with my mom about some of them one time, and she broke down in tears. She doesn't see herself and some of the things she does and says as being hurtful, and quite honestly, I don't think she remembers doing some of them either as alcohol is a big part of their social structure.

I'm glad to know that others are dealing with similar issues. I typically don't talk about this kind of thing ever, but it has felt good to let it off my chest a little bit. Please know my thoughts are with all of you who also have family issues and if you ever need to vent I hope I can offer support and an encouraging word!

[hope4momof4 162]

1 hour ago, ChaosUnlimited said:

I'm sorry that so many are going through the same or similar circumstances. It's really difficult when it comes to family, @hope4momof4, you hit the nail on the head. You feel obligated but are at the same time overburdened. There are many issues that factor in to the family dynamic, and I remember trying to talk with my mom about some of them one time, and she broke down in tears. She doesn't see herself and some of the things she does and says as being hurtful, and quite honestly, I don't think she remembers doing some of them either as alcohol is a big part of their social structure.

I'm glad to know that others are dealing with similar issues. I typically don't talk about this kind of thing ever, but it has felt good to let it off my chest a little bit. Please know my thoughts are with all of you who also have family issues and if you ever need to vent I hope I can offer support and an encouraging word!

You are already providing support and an encouraging word. The fact that I know someone else is going through the same issues as me makes me not feel alone. Yeah I can definitely relate to your mom’s reaction to you bringing up some issues and her breaking down in tears. My mom’s reaction was to yell at us and shut us out completely, in other words she doesn’t want to hear it. (My mom hardly cries, I’ve seen her cry only twice in my lifetime, not even when my father passed away). My siblings decided they’d had enough and completely walked out on her while I was left to bear the brunt of her outbursts. 😔😔It’s something I know I have to just deal with. I don’t try to change her because it is pointless so I deal with it. The best we can do love is not become our mothers. I am trying to learn from her mistakes. I don’t want to end up alone and unhealthy. Weight loss surgery is part of the remedy for us physically but mentally or emotionally we have to learn to cope as no amount of surgery will help us with that.