Husband told people about surgery

[M.A. 6]

I am waiting to have gastric sleeve surgery. We agreed not to tell anyone. My husband said it was up to me who we told. At this point I don't want anyone to know. Not because I am ashamed but because it is very personal and people are judgemental.

He told his business partner that he was going to take some time off when I have surgery to look after me. We agreed he didn't need to know what kind of surgery. Turns out he told him I am having weight loss surgery and also told my mother in law. I don't like his business partner and we are not close. I hate his wife who I am sure he has told now that he knows.

my husband doesn't see what the big deal is and I feel betrayed and so hurt.

im pretty sure he told two of his friends although he denies it.

i feel like he told strangers the most personal and intimate thing about me.

advice please

[ShelbyMoore 84]

M.A.,

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m just like you.. in that... I want no one to know. I’m very private as well. My husband knows and that’s all. I’ve reminded him often not to tell and I think he won’t. He told me he had to tell work why he was taking a few days off and he said he told them I was having surgery but didn’t specify why. My surgery is tomorrow and so far my husband has kept his word... that I know of.

Some may tell you it’s no big deal, but it is a big deal that he told. All you can do is be honest with him about your feelings. Let him know you are hurt that he didn’t respect a wish of yours - something that was important to you. I’m sure you already told him but it’s important that no matter what he feels you want him to hear YOUR feelings.

Maybe you won’t have to deal with his business partner in the future. Your mother-in-law I’m sure you’ll see more often. If they talk about it, I would minimize the conversation. I won’t expand on it unless you want to. Sometimes if the conversation is shut down people get the hint and move on.

Most importantly, you need to focus on yourself. You are doing this for you, your health. I wish you the best!!

[Berry78 4,259]

Oh man.. reminds me of when my hubby jumped the gun, telling his mother about my first pregnancy. (Yours is worse, though because we would have eventually told MIL about the fetus.. you didn't ever need to tell about the surgery).

What may have happened is your hubby needed to have an outlet.. a way of bouncing his own feelings about your surgery off of a person/people. By restricting his ability to talk to anyone at all, it may have just been too much for him... and much like a diet that goes askew, once you eat that first bite of pie (cheated), then you might as well finish the whole thing.

Regardless of WHY he let the cat out of the bag, you should have the open conversation about it, and try to institute damage control. It's possible the business partner's wife HASN'T been told.. you can keep your fingers crossed about that.

{Hugs} Sometimes people do crappy things.

[Littleboo9 6]

Hi. I had surgery on 9 Oct. I will admit I told all my friends and family beforehand and was surrounded with love. I began telling the people I work with in the week before the surgery as I didn't want them to be surprised by my possible weight loss. But that is me and should I have asked my closet support system not to say anything I would have been hurt and angry. Sometimes men and women just don't hear one another. Perhaps the best thing is to sit him down with nothing to distract from the conversation and tell him how you feel. Just your feelings, no accusations, and then let it go. He will either get it or he won't. People can be thick even when there is love and friendship between them.

[nikkiyellz 24]

My husband did the same thing and we work at the same company! I still feel the same way three months later and the trust isn't there like it used to be. I'm sorry!

[naturallyzee 292]

I can truly sympathize with you. I too planned on keeping my surgery a secret. Not out of embarrassment but I don't think it's anyone's business. Plus, I'm very outspoken and didn't want anyone's opinion. I didn't want to have to hurt anyone's feelings but I knew I would have if they came to me wrong.

I had another surgery four months prior to RNY so the folks at work thought my absence was related to the bathroom prior surgery. I didn't even tell them what that surgery was. I was off 3 months.

About RNY. I told my mom and one sister. I have 3. I told that one because I needed her help. Well she told my aunt. My mom told my other sisters and my dad. I kept it from them the same reason I kept it from everyone else. My husband told his mother. I have no idea why but he did. I was so angry. I felt so betrayed. I felt like he told a marital secret. It really hurt me. Seven months and over a 100 lbs later I'm still angry. My mom apologized. She said she thought I told my sister's because we are really close and share ALMOST everything.
My sister didn't think she did anything wrong. She was like what's the big deal. I just feel like it was personal. I don't announce I'm having my annual exam. Why would I make a big announcement about this.

HW 330
SW 292
CW 193.4
GW below 200

[naturallyzee 292]

I meant the surgery prior to RNY. Somehow spell check put bathroom

HW 330
SW 292
CW 193.4
GW below 200

[eden30 111]

Ah that’s shitty. I understand that you feel really hurt. I wondered what to do about this kind of thing and I decided to tell my family and a few close friends and if anyone else asks them I will tell them. But that’s my own personal decision and yours was yours. That’s upsetting and you’ve got every right to be angry.
I think also that there is a lot of shame around WLS which is not warranted. Obesity is a disease and not understood and you are doing something excellent for your health and well-being.
Some people don’t like to see people change. You become a threat. You know the story, it’s probaly been written about heaps on this board.
I guess you have a few choices now.... let your husband know how disappointed you are and don’t tell anyone else, tell a few people, or just let everyone know if they ask and put a barrier of protection around yourself in your mind. People may be extremely supportive, you would think they would be if they are anyone who loves you. You might be surprised.
You are so worth this and nobody has any right to pass any judgement on you.
It will be interesting to see how you feel about this in a year or two.
Like the lady above said’ people sometimes do shitty things’
I know it’s easier said than done but nobodies opinion matters. You are the person that matters right now.
Very best wishes on your wonderful journey x

[shedo82773 1,236]

I can totally see your side. The betrayal is a very hard thing to get over, for sure. I just want to send you a virtual hug. And one last thing Keep your eyes on the prize and KEEP ON KEEPING ON!! You've got this. What an exciting time!!

[Danny Paul 761]

I'm a guy and I'm with you 100%. I told a few close relatives about my surgery. They all kept it quiet as did my wife. A friend once told me that he was dying of cancer. I confided this with my wife and told her not to tell anyone since it wasn't our place to say anything. Another neighbor made a comment about how my friend doesn't look so good. My wife told her that he was dying of cancer. I was beside myself, a trust was broken and it really bothered me. My wife to her credit realized that she did wrong and I'm sure it wont happen again. The difference between my wife and your husband is that she realized what she did was wrong. Your husband doesn't see that he did the wrong thing by betraying your confidence.

As for me, I don't think its anyone's business what I decide to do as far as my health is concerned. As for explaining the weight loss I tell people at work that four of my friends and me each put $1000 in a pot and the one to lose the most weight by new years wins the pot. Basically, I told them I'm on a diet to win $5,000. It seems to be working as most people at work don't even comment on my weight loss after the explanation.

[M.A. 6]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful replies.

What makes it most difficult for me is that he doesn't feel he did anything wrong and thinks I'm overreacting.

This is such a private and intimate ordeal for me (my weight) and something I can only talk to him about. How on earth he could tell this to people when I have asked him not to is beyond me.

It's not like he said that it has been difficult for him and he needed to confide in someone. That I could understand. It's that he just matter of fact told it to someone without giving any thought to how I would feel about that person knowing something so personal about me. He must have known that I didn't want him to because at first he only said that he told him I was having surgery and not what kind.

I am sad and angry and after some yelling from both of us we are now not talking.

[Berry78 4,259]

My father (RIP) had scar tissue in his urethra that made it difficult to pass urine. He occasionally had to go get it "roto-rootered" (my mom's technical term). If your husband had such a personal kind of condition, I seriously doubt he'd want it spread all over the world.

Since your hubby isn't understanding this concept, maybe (when you guys start speaking again), you can put it into terms like that. (I.E. "Hubby, if you had an STD, would you want me to tell everyone I know?")

If he can't understand where you are coming from, you'll never see eye to eye on the issue. It's just too bad that he didn't express the "what's the big deal" issue when you'd had the discussion about "not telling".

[eden30 111]

Do you think he doesn’t want you to lose weight? Like trying to sabotage you? It must get not be that AT ALL... but dont you go sabotaging yourself or throwing your hands up. Breathe. Get the surgery and then make him make his own dinner for a year!!! That’ll teach him.
Seriously though, I am sorry you are so upset. I hope he realises and apologises. Hugs

[VSGnewguy 164]

I have a little different take on this. It is, of course, each persons right to keep their surgery private if they chose to. However, WLS is so common now, that when someone misses work for "surgery" and then has rapid weight loss, most people are going to assume, speculate and gossip, that you had WLS. I think that, whether you tell people or not, for the most part, they are going to figure it out anyway. I'd rather have people be direct with me than talk about it behind my back so I have made the personal decision to tell family and even co-workers that I am having WLS.

[FluffyChix 17,409]

I'm sorry you are mad, sad, betrayed, hurt, fill-in-the-blank.

Now for the hard part. Forgiveness. Life is short and fragile. Do you love him? Does he love you? Does he have your back in a knife fight? If so, move on. The cat's out of the bag. Choose the way you want to frame this. If it were me, I would look at it as a positive God-thing. Now you are no longer doing something so very serious, in the dark. It's been exposed to the light and is no longer secret. Own it. Be proud. Stand your ground. And do not let whatever you are holding against him deter you or drain the energy that should be focused on your journey to health and healing.

Choose forgiveness. Move on. Learn.

Know that unfortunately, Felicia has loose lips and is a huge pus*y who doesn't know how to keep a forkin' secret. LOL. It is what it is...you promised to love him for better or for worse...and in future, you will know what to tell him and not tell him. LOL. (But, it's not like you could do this without his knowledge...)

Edited October 22, 2017 by FluffyChix