Yesterday, I was getting on a boat, for a lovely day out with my wife, when I noticed a little girl kept looking back at me and staring. I braced myself for the innocent comment from a small child that is not intended to hurt, but does nevertheless. Thankfully, she didn't say anything...but she didn't have to..the damage was done. I was once again very conscious of my size.

A few weeks back it happened at the gym when a young girl (maybe 4 y.o.) was staring at my legs...I knew it was coming and sure enough, she then commented to her mom about how big my legs are. (I'm still pre-op)...I very politely told the little girl that she hurt my feelings and it wasn't nice to point out how I'm different. She cried and her mom apologized and thanked me for being willing to teach her child (thank god she didn't get angry). The little girl apologized and I told her I forgave her and it was okay.

I really do get it. They don't often see women with my body shape...so I don't really fault the children...they are just trying to understand something that is very different. But damn it hurts every time... I look forward to the day when I'm just normal fat..I don't even care about thin...I just want to be small enough that children don't make me want to cry anymore.

((hugs)) You handled that beautifully! And I think you're a super star for putting yourself in situations where this might occur! I can't bring myself to go to a gym, much less get on a boat for those very reasons! I still will hardly go to a restaurant because people stare at me and look to see what I ordered, or go to the market cuz people check out my cart to see if I have any "fattygirl food." (I order super healthy choices because of that scrutiny.) It was a lot worse when I was most recently at my regain highest of 287lbs, and is getting better now that I'm 238lbs. But I still get those stares that hurt.

Not only do I go to a gym, but I do exclusively water aerobics (I have bad knees), so I'm in a swimsuit! I try really hard not to allow my self-consciousness about my weight keep me from doing things I enjoy or are good for me. But every once in a while something like this happens and I get that slap in the face about how different I look and it makes me want to hide.

Well, here's the thing. Children that young are not judging you, they're just curious and inquisitive. Just try to keep that in mind.

And though it sucks to have to educate people all the time, if you try to pretend that they are from a foreign culture (because obesity is really a whole different way of life) it can help you detach from people's stares and unkind statements.

2 minutes ago, llamalluv said:

And though it sucks to have to educate people all the time, if you try to pretend that they are from a foreign culture (because obesity is really a whole different way of life) it can help you detach from people's stares and unkind statements.

I like this foreign culture idea...although really looking forward to the day when it's not an issue...OMG...to be able to walk into a room completely unnoticed...or noticed for the right reasons.

I totally agree. Normalcy is underrated. !!
And I understand normalcy is different for everyone
.
It is something people take for granted and those of us that have been bigger understand the issue.
Ignorant people and innocent children seem to be the major culprits. What a great way to educate the kids. The adults..... not sure they can understand the concept
Nice job.

I have a similar incident right after my MIL passed away. (we took care of her when she got sick) We decided that we would go to Walmart and then catch a Movie afterwards. There was this boy probably 4 or 5. Now my hubby weighed around 450#'s. The boy looked at him and said, Look mom there is a FAT man!! I said that that that isn't a nice thing to say. All the while he kept saying it over and over. So I spoke to his MOM, I told her what he had said. She said he didn't say that he was asking for Pop-tarts. I said that isn't what he said. She said that is what he said again (real snotty) I then said he was lying!! Of course I would never had said that in a million years, it was called stress of losing my MIL. She said MY SON DOES NOT LIE!!! I told her se needed to educate the boy and not take his side when he was obviously fibbing t o her!! Bad day for the boy, his mom and of course myself. Sometimes kids are not innocent they are learning from their parents. Society has allowed things to get way out of control. When children are in kindergarten and 1st grade that tease because the kid doesn't have name brand stuff. That has to come from the parents!! Ok I am so sorry that I have wrote a book. LOL Have a great day

I remember the first time my son saw a bald man. He was probably about 3 and we were standing in line at the bank. Yes people actually used to bank in person..lol..

He asked me in a very loud voice why doesn't that man have any hair? Did he get a bad haircut? I wanted to just disappear, but several people including the man he was referring to busted out laughing while I was about to apologize. Most of the time I would like to believe the kids are just curious. It helps if we can find the humor in uncomfortable situations. I know that is hard and I know sometimes it still hurts.

Getting upset doesn't help anything. My son once noticed a little boy (about 3) at the grocery store who only had a thumb and one finger on his right hand (congenital defect) and started asking loudly, "What's wrong with his hand?!"

I hadn't noticed, so it took me a second and the boy's mother chimed in, "That's how God made him!"

My son was still asking why, and so I said, "God wanted him to be left handed!" And the other boys mother laughed with me, and said she would add that to her repertoire.

Getting upset doesn't help anything. My son once noticed a little boy (about 3) at the grocery store who only had a thumb and one finger on his right hand (congenital defect) and started asking loudly, "What's wrong with his hand?!"
I hadn't noticed, so it took me a second and the boy's mother chimed in, "That's how God made him!"
My son was still asking why, and so I said, "God wanted him to be left handed!" And the other boys mother laughed with me, and said she would add that to her repertoire.

I hear you and apple1. I try not to let it hurt...but sometimes it does anyway. I do know most children mean no harm. I remember my nephew being little and commenting on how big my muscles were...and I just agreed that I had big muscles.

CJ, this breaks my heart. There's no humor to be found in the situation. It was a crummy day, and I'm sorry that it happened. Put it in the past and move forward. It looks like you've had the DS surgery. There are good things in store for you.

CJ, this breaks my heart. There's no humor to be found in the situation. It was a crummy day, and I'm sorry that it happened. Put it in the past and move forward. It looks like you've had the DS surgery. There are good things in store for you.

Not yet. Surgery scheduled for 9/14. Thank you for this though...very appreciated.

I completely understand how you feel. At my highest, I was a bit shy of weighing 400 pounds. Thankfully, I was still proportioned well, but I would still get those "looks". My phobia came when I would eat in public, I felt like people were thinking to themselves "Why in the heck is she eating pizza, she's too fat for that", sadly, I find myself doing the same. Well, not the same, but when I see people eating that way when out in public, my heart breaks for them. I was once that girl and it hurts to see people not understand how they're doing such an injustice to themselves mentally and emotionally, and for what they're doing to their bodies.

1 hour ago, heycrystal2052 said:

I completely understand how you feel. At my highest, I was a bit shy of weighing 400 pounds. Thankfully, I was still proportioned well, but I would still get those "looks". My phobia came when I would eat in public, I felt like people were thinking to themselves "Why in the heck is she eating pizza, she's too fat for that", sadly, I find myself doing the same. Well, not the same, but when I see people eating that way when out in public, my heart breaks for them. I was once that girl and it hurts to see people not understand how they're doing such an injustice to themselves mentally and emotionally, and for what they're doing to their bodies.

I totally get this and I could have written this post! But I have to ask you, isn't this messed up? Why don't we (and you might, I just know I don't but should) look at so called "normies" food at restaurants or in shopping carts and say the same things, "Dude, don't you have any sense eating that way? Think of how it's crapping out your body inside!"

Sigh. (Not dishin' on you hon. Just asking the question for discussion--it should probably be its own topic.)

I had a really crappy childhood and a rough go of my 20's. If I hadn't honed my sense of humor and sarcasm as a teen, I would not have made it to 30. There's humor in anything, even death and mental illness. (I almost committed suicide at 21.) I joke about my own post partum psychosis and my dead mom (I have a tiny urn of her ashes and take her out to lunch on her birthday.)

I used to be very sensitive about how people perceived me, but something happened when I hit 30, and as I approach 40 I no longer have the energy, time, or F's to give heed to others opinions. Unless they're positive opinions, of course.

This might be a good thing to discuss with your therapist.

Edited August 31, 20178 yr by llamalluv

29 minutes ago, llamalluv said:

I had a really crappy childhood and a rough go of my 20's. If I hadn't honed my sense of humor and sarcasm as a teen, I would not have made it to 30. There's humor in anything, even death and mental illness. (I almost committed suicide at 21.) I joke about my own post partum psychosis and my dead mom (I have a tiny urn of her ashes and take her out to lunch on her birthday.)

I used to be very sensitive about how people perceived me, but something happened when I hit 30, and as I approach 40 I no longer have the energy, time, or F's to give heed to others opinions. Unless they're positive opinions, of course.

This might be a good thing to discuss with your therapist.

One of the things I truly admire about my father is how little he cares for anyone else's opinions. Unfortunately, when it comes to all things weight related, I'm more like my mom...who can be sensitive. I could use to emulate this characteristic in my father on this front...but how to do that, I'm still trying to figure out.

I agree that this would be a good topic for therapy! I'm actually actively searching for a therapist now. I've worked with two great therapists who helped me work through some things in the past. One is retiring and the other cannot fit me in her schedule right now.

And so I've met with two therapists so far. Both were not good. In fact, both were really bad.

The first was a psychologist recommended by the psychologist in my bariatric group (he sees people privately, but does not participate in my insurance). The woman was awful...she may be a brilliant author on the field of food addiction (why I think he recommended her), but she should not have contact with living, breathing subjects. She was condescending, patronizing and judgmental. She made no attempt to get to know me, but instead started telling me how people who have weight loss surgery frequently become alcoholics, gamblers, shopaholics or divorced...I wrote to the guy who recommended her, just so he knew not to send people to her. Honestly, if I didn't have strong self esteem this woman would have done me some serious harm.

The second therapist I met seemed better at first, although I was not comfortable with her at home office. I had to walk down a steep driveway, past her knocked over garbage cans, into her backyard, to enter into a basement office. When I left my first appointment with her, I was trying to overlook her rather slovenly ways, trying not to judge and be open minded and so I went back for a second time. On this visit, as I entered the backyard, she popped out of the office and said to me, "I'm sorry. I screwed up. Can you just give me a few minutes." So I sat in her backyard, looking at garbage strewn in her yard, thinking, "what am I doing here?" I was considering leaving, when 15 minutes later she finished with her other client. So I went in. about 1/2 an hour into my session, someone else is coming into the backyard. She commented, "They're early." So out she pops and asks them to wait. When she comes back into the office, there is only a screen door between us and the couple outside. She expected me to continue and I said, "They're right there." So she got up and closed the sliding glass door. I tried to soldier on, but then I could see her looking over my shoulder...the woman outside was pacing behind me! As I left, I heard the woman say to her, "We had a 4:45." as the therapist responded, "I had you down at 5:00." Now, come on...she was off 15 minutes on my appointment...she had messed up theirs too! It was all so unprofessional and uncomfortable. The thing that bothered me most, however, was that she wouldn't have made any attempt to protect my privacy if I hadn't said something. I thought as I left, "This woman is a mess. I'm not this big a mess. I don't need what she has to offer."

Thank god, I've had good therapists in the past, or I think I'd be done with therapy after these two! But I'm still looking and I have an appointment to see someone else tonight. Fingers crossed that third time's a charm!