Wow, how time flies! It's been over 3 years since I had gastric sleeve surgery. I'm still glad I had the procedure. Some interesting changes after a couple of years - you find that you can eat more than you thought you would be able to. Your "banana" gets bigger than you think it might. I can put down two slices of pizza with little to no effort or discomfort. Which reminds you why this is just a tool; if you are not careful, you will gain back the weight. But I do have a 5 pound rule. If I consistently weigh 5 pounds more than my lowest weight after the surgery for longer than a week, I take steps to scale back and exercise more. This is why I have not gained back any weight from my initial loss. Before I pat myself on the back too much, I have to admit (sheepishly) I never got below 200 pounds like I was supposed to. I'm on a real push now to lose the rest of the weight - like I should have done in the beginning - because my other knee is now showing signs of wear. I am finding that following a ketogenic diet seems to agree with me. One thing that has really helped is to portion out my meals every day using a Jaxx lunchbox. Second, not having stuff in the house that has sugar in it that I like to eat. Third, instead of seeing this as a diet, seeing this as a positive life change.
I finally got my last weight loss reward. I have a fur for the winter to combat being cold all the time. I can't begin to express how much joy my new car and wardrobe bring me. I would have never comfortably fit into a sports car before losing weight, and it is nice to be able to wear a fur without being the size of an actual bear.
So the ex-bf is completely out of the picture. I could not handle the uncertainty of his behaviors. One day he likes the way I dressed, the next day I was begging for attention. Once he started with the insecurities, I had to let it go. Truthfully, it did not hurt me as much as I thought it would. And that is because I had falling in love with someone else.
I fell in love with a woman. She is the most funny, beautiful and caring person I have ever met. She is strong, confident and dorky at the same time. She is everything I ever wanted in a person and she is ME!! I FELL IN LOVE with MYSELF again. I forgot the person I used to be and went searching for her and I found her. I never want to lose her again. If that meant giving up someone else for the sack of myself, then I would do what is necessary to keep me as a I am.
I guess sometimes you have to be selfish. I cannot sacrifice my success to make someone else fell secure in themselves. I cannot sacrifice my peace of mind to give some one a peace of mind. I just could not keep living my life through other peoples wants, hopes and desires. I want to live my life for me. I have wants, hopes and desires and I plan on making them happen.
"Like a Phoenix, out of the Ashes comes NEW LIFE!"
There is a hill that is along my bike route to work. Everyday I ride, I take that hill. Today was the first time that I made it to the top without having to stop. I am getting stronger a bike rider. My calories for today are 672 but that does not include dinner. I will be buying Standard Gold Whey Protein Powder to add to my fruit smoothies. 1 scoop is like 26g of protein (Something that is much needed as I am trying to build muscle). I am having a hard time increasing my protein intake in the form of food lately. I just have not been hungry.
Things I am adding to my diet to see if I can take them:
1) Whey Protein
2) Dannon Oikos Triple Zero
Also, I have started doing mediation to help alleviate some stress. I retain weight when I am stressed out. It also causes pain in my neck and back because that is where I hold all my tension. I also want to be flexible and by relaxing myself, I am able to stretch and bend a lot easier.
Life Has A Way of Getting You In The Weigh...
People eat. For one reason or another people eat. There's only one reason that you should; to fuel your body... but despite that, there is mass consumerism of food.
I was raised in a house where you cleaned your plate. I'm not blaming anyone, but I can count countless things that I have digested simply to prevent waste.
I remember years ago looking at obese women and thinking to myself how could they let themselves get that way. Maybe my life now is God's lesson in humility for those thoughts. It was a gradual thing, for me for the longest time. Five pounds more this year than last and so on. I don't think it really got out of hand until after I had my hysterectomy, and completely altered my body chemistry altogether. The surgery its self led to a lot of depression for me and I'm pretty sure I gained twenty pounds that year. I was just under two hundred pounds at the time and I thought I was fat then.
I'm not sure it was ever a clear thought to remove the scales and the mirrors from my home. I realized about a year ago, like an epiphany, that I haven't seen myself in a full length mirror or been weighed on a scale for years. It was the day after I had caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and all I could do was cry. Hell I cried for nearly a week, just laying there feeling sorry for myself. My mind raced over my life searching for the last time that I could recall seeing myself and it had been a long time.
The biggest crime you can commit is beating yourself up or letting others define you. That being said you need to be realistic too. We have grown into this society where we lie to ourselves and others as not to offend. When I made the decision to enter a bariatric program (physician monitored diet and exercise & potential surgery), I heard a lot of comments that were negative... but I think the one that hurt the most is being told "you are beautiful the way you are". First, I never said I was ugly. Second, how can you think me eating my way to death's doorstep is beautiful? Just respect my decision and be supportive!
You really learn a lot about yourself when you join the bariatric program. It was so hard for me to go to that first appointment. I cried most of the way during the drive there. My heart was heavy when I walked through the door. Coming here was admitting to myself what I had become and it was hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm sure it was written all over my face, I checked in and waited in the reception room. My eyes surveyed the people in the room and I was trying to find someone that I identified with. Shockingly, most of the people in the room seemed to be a fair bit older than me, I argued with myself that I wasn't as bad off as them and then I was called into the back.
Nothing could prepare me to walk in that room and see that huge cattle scale. I'm sure that's not what it is, but I also argue that you could easily fit a full size dairy cow upon it. She asked me to remove my shoes and then took my height and it yielded a result that I expected. I stepped upon the scale and it was digital, it settled on a number fast, it was instantly apparent to me that I had more than doubled the weight on my drivers license, (why do they let us get away with that? haha), I almost fainted. I instantly begin to cry and the nurse reassures me - yet it is no comfort at all. Next, they take a full length photo of me from the front and from the side. She began to ask if I would like to see the photo, but I think somehow she just knew that there was no way that I would look at it.
I was given a folder filled with information that we went over that day. A restrictive diet and exercise program, and a host of obligations for me to meet with specialists to rule out any other medical issues. It seemed overwhelming.... man it was overwhelming.
Over the next several months I met with the weight management doctor and did a host of other clearances. Cardiac, Pulmonary, Psychological, blood work, xrays, ultrasound of my gall bladder, sleep study. I remember thinking to myself that there was no way that all of this was necessary. THIS IS MAJOR SURGERY - hello.... they are cutting up your insides! I continued to meet with the weight management doctor up and to about a month ago... I have about 19 days until my actual surgery.
I have to do three weeks of liquid diet. 7 Optifast shakes, 64 oz of caffeine free, sugar free, calorie free drinks... every day for 21 days. I won't eat food again until probably December... and it will be so little that it probably won't matter much. No one tells you how hard it is going to weigh on you emotionally. I am truly humbled.
The first day of Optifast broke me mentally. I cried most of the day and was a royal crotch. I yelled at my family for filling the house with food smells and not being supportive. I made it through the first day and then two hours after I drake the last shake for the day, I did something that I have never done in my life.
I binge ate.
I cried the whole time and almost vomited... WTF is wrong with me?!
I ended up crying and talking to one of my best friends and they reminded me how hard I worked up an to now and encouraged me to not beat myself up and just get up and try better tomorrow.
Day two I stuck to the shakes completely.
Today is day three and I am feeling a little more confident about things. It's been a life saver to be a part of the bariatric facebook community that is local to my area - I am feeling a little less crazy and realizing that I am not alone in the journey.