My 20yo has been struggling with her weight since middle school. She's 5'7" and 255lbs now and has successfully gone through all her pre-op. She has a 6/21 date for her sleeve surgery. Her dad and I are not supportive of her choice. We feel she's too young to take such a drastic step when other than her weight, she's a healthy young lady. She has been up and down with her weight but she also gives up too easily on the lifestyle change required to keep a healthy weight. We fear because of previous behaviors she'll do the same and not stick to this commitment.

As her mom, I won't let her go through this process alone and will help her with her healing process but, this decision has caused friction and stress at home. It breaks my heart. We've asked her to hold off and we'll work with her to go the healthy route with seeing a nutritionist, a physical trainer and a therapist to guide her through this journey. She said no that her minds made up. She's under our insurance and the thought has come up to mention to the company that we don't approve this surgery but don't know if that may back fire. Another thought is to remove her and encourage her to get a job with insurance and she can do it and pay for it on her own. I'm conflicted and scared.

I was also 20 yrs old when I had the surgery my mother was completely against it because she thought it wasn't safe and I had a long future ahead I explained her many times that I rather have a serious illness due to my weight or do surgery and everyone in my family knows how I struggled with my weight I always went to gym and nutrition i used to lose weight and gain back and to be honest my parents didn't support me financially because they couldn't and I didn't had a insurance But i was working so i took loan from bank and made my mother agree to my decision after visiting few consulting doctors and then it happened and now when i lost all the weight my parents are happy with my decision and I personally wouldn't go back to old lifestyle because i know what i have been through and i know i love my self now would never go back to what I was

The surgery shouldn't take 3-4 hours in the hands of an experienced surgeon. Maybe he is adding in time for the prep and recovery?

Your surgeon should have performed hundreds of these procedures (total, of any age patients). If he hasn't performed very many, and plans to have her under anesthesia for several hours, I'd be asking more questions.

My surgeon has performed thousands and had me under for less than an hour. It doesn't take thousands to be experienced, but hundreds would be good.

Hi @Ance, It seems like you've made your decision to stand by your daughter's choice which is great. I understand your concerns, so it would be awesome for you to support her with therapists, trainers, etc. after surgery too.

I will just share that I really wish I had just gone ahead and done the surgery when I was 20 (been obese since I was 7). I spent my 20s, the time of life that is supposed to be fun and exciting, gaining and losing hundreds of pounds over and over. I look back and have so many regrets. I could have had a wonderful decade of life but instead I was sitting alone bingeing or starving myself and over-exercising. If I had gotten surgery back then, I could have enjoyed those 10+ years. I could have had kids earlier (still can't have them yet at 32), could have done so many fun things that I missed.

You're right that she will have to stick to this, but it's really the best chance she's got at sticking to it. There is a 95% recidivism rate for "natural" weight loss, as we've all been able to show you. I just feel excited/jealous for her since she will be able to fly after this and enjoy her 20s like a normal woman should be able to!

It seems like she's already scheduled for surgery, but if it's any consolation, she'll have a much safer and easier time with the surgery! Younger people tend to recover faster and lose more weight faster than someone older might.

Ance..... Trust in the fact that your daughter will do much better with you by her side. Support from the people that love us the most is so very important no matter what age.

You have to remember that this is about her, not you, not her dad, not her siblings, not her friends.... She will make the changes when she sees the weight coming off it will be easier for her to see the possibility. Lots of people her age become super health conscience after WLS. You job as mom is to support her and identify your roll in her journey. Lots of mom learn that they themselves have contributed more than they thought. We as moms have a hard time saying NO to our kids. I would continue to go to the meetings with her and learn how to help her as much as you can. Get the word.... Can't out of your vocabulary.

Think of it this way.... if she had any other disease and surgery would fix it... would you support that? If she had a heart blockage, would you support a Stint.... or diabetes.. Would you support a pump being put in..... WLS is the same thing... she has a disease and needs this to help fix her....and that's the bottom line.

I Wish you all the best of luck in this journey...

Chris

As a mom of four girls. I understand that you don't want to think about your daughter going through surgery. My oldest is overweight. I wouldn't recommend surgery to her but if she told me she wanted to go this route, I would support her decision. I'm not sure how far along in the process your daughter is but I'm sure she had stress over the decision. You'd be surprised how much your support would mean to her. Life is hard these days. Don't cancel her insurance, I will keep my girls on as long as possible. Your best response would be to accept her decision and help her to make the positive changes she'll need to work on such as walking, changing eating habits and go to a meeting with her so you can better understand the process. Imagine dealing with a major life changing decision without anyone's support.

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My daughter is 21 she had the sleeve June 1 2017 weighing about the same as your daughter she has always struggled with her weight this was a hard decision for her but the change in her self esteem and her smile is back she is feeling good. She is down 24 lbs at this point your daughter doesn't see hope a pound a week or less is hard to see the finish line when they are that heavy this is a tool and as the pounds drop it will excite her to the point she will want to start walking then exercise comes next with the energy she will gain dropping weight. Support her through this journey and watch the healthy changes you see in your baby girl.

On 6/13/2017 at 3:41 PM, Ance said:

OutsideMatchinside, your judging without all the facts.

Well I'll be damned, there's a shocker.

Edited June 17, 20179 yr by PatientEleventyBillion

Just another thought to add to the many good ones on this thread--

Yes, we ALL quit our diets when it gets hard. That's why we are here. It doesn't mean we won't be successful with surgery. The odds of losing weight and keeping it off are minuscule without medical intervention (I can't remember the exact odds but google it). The biggest looser contestants all lost tons but gained it back.

Weight is a very complex medical condition regulated by hormones/Endocrine system, gut bacteria/gastrointestinal system, behavior, thought processes all reinforcing each other. It's not all about her giving up when it gets hard. This surgery changes some parts of this making the others more manageable with the appropriate education and support.

This podcast is amazingly educational:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/weight-loss-surgery-podcast-bariatric-lap-band-rygb/id662443588?mt=2&i=1000373855300

Surgery isn't a quick fix or cure all, but it's a tool and gives us a fighting chance.

I wish I had been able to have it at your daughters age. I have an 18 year old daughter. She doesn't struggle with her weight but if she did I would support her in getting it.

I had my surgery at 43. I am four years out and maintaining a 135lb loss and it has been life changing for me.

I gave up when it got hard more times than I can count, and this surgery gave me a fighting chance that I made the most of.

21 hours ago, JTHmom said:

My daughter is 21 she had the sleeve June 1 2017 weighing about the same as your daughter she has always struggled with her weight this was a hard decision for her but the change in her self esteem and her smile is back she is feeling good. She is down 24 lbs at this point your daughter doesn't see hope a pound a week or less is hard to see the finish line when they are that heavy this is a tool and as the pounds drop it will excite her to the point she will want to start walking then exercise comes next with the energy she will gain dropping weight. Support her through this journey and watch the healthy changes you see in your baby girl.

Good day to you both, I appreciate so much you sharing your daughter's choice and your journey with her. I am at peace with my daughter's decision and support her all the way. Of course with any surgery, it's normal to feel nervous, unsure and apprehensive. However, I'm keeping her in prayer and appreciate all the outreach of support from the BariatricPal families who've reach out to us. We are now 3 days away! It's all good. I shared this site with her and she has now joined. She's Gabbby. From one parent to another can you please welcome her and give her a shoutout of support. Have a grand family day on this Father's Day. Thanks again.

My conflict and doubts are that she has gone down this road of trying something and when frustration kicks in, she gives up.

This is not unique to your daughter. I bet many of us have a history of doing this. It's an awful vicious cycle that I pray I can break one day with the help of surgery and post op support.

Good luck to you both!

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@Gabbby!!!! We're here for you and your MOM! Blessings to you and your family hon. I'm excited for you hon! A couple more days now.....

I can add, good wishes and health in mind and body.

Be aware that this surgery can upset hormone balances and bring erratic periods and acne and all sorts of changes that may be hard to prepare for and handle. Likely her young skin has enough collagen to bounce back well and may not require plastic surgery, at any rate she should wait on that until after having children anyway. And speaking of that the recommendation is to refrain from pregnancy for a couple years after goal weight.

She will not know how to BE a thin person and might struggle with those emotions; suddenly getting male attention can be a heady experience and might be a relationship issue that secure people have issues with let alone a 20yr old. Also transfer addictions are common - so stay in counseling for at least a year just for good measure.

Best wishes for you both! I'd like to add that it's great that you're willing to do all of this for your daughter, but have you considered doing it WITH her? Obviously not having surgery, and you might be of normal weight. But there are probably healthy habits you could do as a family that all of you might benefit from. After she heals, maybe become more active, take a Zumba class together, go hiking, etc. See if you can find some new recipes that works for everyone. Maybe a group nutrition class if you can swing it? Obviously some things are 100% on her, but why not make this an opportunity for you both?

BTW, I'm not implying you are the problem, overweight, or anything like that. I just know how much having a weight loss/health minded buddy can help!

Wishing you success!

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5 hours ago, Robin=SleeveHopeful said:

Best wishes for you both! I'd like to add that it's great that you're willing to do all of this for your daughter, but have you considered doing it WITH her? Obviously not having surgery, and you might be of normal weight. But there are probably healthy habits you could do as a family that all of you might benefit from. After she heals, maybe become more active, take a Zumba class together, go hiking, etc. See if you can find some new recipes that works for everyone. Maybe a group nutrition class if you can swing it? Obviously some things are 100% on her, but why not make this an opportunity for you both?

BTW, I'm not implying you are the problem, overweight, or anything like that. I just know how much having a weight loss/health minded buddy can help!

Wishing you success!

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Thanks for your well wishes. Yes, we've had discussions about joining yoga and looking up healthy and good tasting recipes. I'm excited and yet still nervous for her but we're only one day away. She's packing her personal bag and getting ready for her hospital stay. Most importantly, she's doing very well with her clear liquid diet. It's only been one day but she's so determined to make this work that she's willing to endure discomfort of not eating solids for a while. The motivator for her is seeing weight come off and energy level go up. I want to be her health buddy for both our well being. Thanks again.