Normal-Fat: is it dangerous to stop being invisible?

[JupiterinVirgo 846]

I have noticed something I never noticed before. That in our culture, it's OK to be overweight but only to a certain extent. As a woman, it seems to me that I am not allowed to be over 200 pounds without serious social consequences. Once I got under 200 strangers started to be nicer to me. I feel disgusted by this realization.

I don't want to be loved for my body, or distained for it. I am so much more than my body, and I am coming to a level of success with my weight loss that is bringing me up against a very deep psychological pain, that was not dealt with fully, or even that I was aware of it until now.

Due to severe trauma over a number of years around sexuality, I realize that I have been hiding my sensual personality. Growing up and seeing menace predators caused me to try to hide from them: under a lot of weight. Now that I am becoming visible, a part of me wants to stop losing weight.

It scares me to think that I could fall for somebody who says they love me but really it's my body they prefer. That is, that same individual would not even give me the time of day at my previous weight. I feel disheartened by this.

I am a widow and I have been single a long time. I don't date much, and I don't intend to change that. I am only making this post with the hopes that I will discover that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I worked very hard on myself as a person for many years and I am finally becoming somebody that I like. Losing the weight has been great, but I'm a little bit afraid of losing anymore even though I'm still in the high 100s. My current body type is still way outside our cultural norm, and I am realizing that that has been a big part of the point of being overweight to begin with.

Has anyone who has reached her goal moved through these feelings that if you become too pretty, too thin, it's dangerous?

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[TheCurvyJones 721]

I'm below goal. In fact, I just reached a normal BMI this week. I found that I got attention at a certain point., but then I lost more weight and I wasn't "pretty for a curvy girl". Then I was thin and in general kind of plain looking. I dont wear makeup and I have a short pixie cut. I'm not all that sexy, though I did retain some T&A.

Anyway my point is that once you 'look like everyone else' you become invisible again. Unless you do something drastic-- dye your hair, have a nose ring or are devastatingly beautiful, the attention disappears.

[Mindy78 372]

I think you have to find someone you can trust as far as dating. Anyone can date anybody for any reason. Looks, personality, money, social status. Dating= taking a chance to be completely vulnerable in hopes to not get hurt. I had dated people in the past who used me in various ways. So much so I guarded myself and was a bit stand offish. Then met someone totally the opposite. In dating it takes time and trust building.

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[Hammer_Down 631]

You're definitely not the only person who has experienced this.

Our society attaches moral values to appearance. We want to believe that thin, attractive people must be good people. We believe overweight people have moral failings, like gluttony and sloth.

Thin people are much more likely to be hired than fat people with identical credentials because of the baggage we attach to body profile. The effect is much more pronounced in women than men.

For men, height can be a deal breaker for finding work when competing against taller but equally qualified candidates.

I lost 100lbs several years ago, and the attention I received from men was brutal (I'm a lesbian). I suddenly had men trying to invite themselves into my relationship with my wife, and had 1 stalker who took it upon himself to become my new "protector." I am generally a warm and friendly person, but I quickly realized that being friendly with men when you are attractive is always perceived as flirting and I opened myself to heaps of abuse from them when they found out I was just being nice (and not in any way, shape or form interested in them.)

[Travelher 915]

I have noticed something I never noticed before. That in our culture, it's OK to be overweight but only to a certain extent. As a woman, it seems to me that I am not allowed to be over 200 pounds without serious social consequences. Once I got under 200 strangers started to be nicer to me. I feel disgusted by this realization.

I don't want to be loved for my body, or distained for it. I am so much more than my body, and I am coming to a level of success with my weight loss that is bringing me up against a very deep psychological pain, that was not dealt with fully, or even that I was aware of it until now.

Due to severe trauma over a number of years around sexuality, I realize that I have been hiding my sensual personality. Growing up and seeing menace predators caused me to try to hide from them: under a lot of weight. Now that I am becoming visible, a part of me wants to stop losing weight.

It scares me to think that I could fall for somebody who says they love me but really it's my body they prefer. That is, that same individual would not even give me the time of day at my previous weight. I feel disheartened by this.

I am a widow and I have been single a long time. I don't date much, and I don't intend to change that. I am only making this post with the hopes that I will discover that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I worked very hard on myself as a person for many years and I am finally becoming somebody that I like. Losing the weight has been great, but I'm a little bit afraid of losing anymore even though I'm still in the high 100s. My current body type is still way outside our cultural norm, and I am realizing that that has been a big part of the point of being overweight to begin with.

Has anyone who has reached her goal moved through these feelings that if you become too pretty, too thin, it's dangerous?

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

I can relate, when i was young i attracted a lot of attention from the wrong kind of men. I have a naturally curvy body, so at a normal weight I got a lot of attention for my "assets" it was very threatening for the most part. that went away, and I was, frankly more comfortable at a heavier weight (overweight, not obese).

i am married now, and older so it would not be an issue now, but I understand the feeling. I think you need to seek professional help to work through those feelings because they will get in the way of your success and health.

when it comes to dating I took my time and I found I could pretty quickly tell the "nice guy" from the player. it took me a long time to find my husband but I'm glad I was cautious and selective because I found a keeper, and I'm proud that i didn't settle for anything less.

You deserve the best, you deserve happiness, security and to know you are awesome as you are. If you don't realize and internalize it you will attract the types of people who can recognize self-esteem issues and will exploit them. What i would give to be able to go back in time and kick my 20 year old butt.

[LisaMergs 2,857]

I have noticed something I never noticed before. That in our culture, it's OK to be overweight but only to a certain extent. As a woman, it seems to me that I am not allowed to be over 200 pounds without serious social consequences. Once I got under 200 strangers started to be nicer to me. I feel disgusted by this realization.

I don't want to be loved for my body, or distained for it. I am so much more than my body, and I am coming to a level of success with my weight loss that is bringing me up against a very deep psychological pain, that was not dealt with fully, or even that I was aware of it until now.

Due to severe trauma over a number of years around sexuality, I realize that I have been hiding my sensual personality. Growing up and seeing menace predators caused me to try to hide from them: under a lot of weight. Now that I am becoming visible, a part of me wants to stop losing weight.

It scares me to think that I could fall for somebody who says they love me but really it's my body they prefer. That is, that same individual would not even give me the time of day at my previous weight. I feel disheartened by this.

I am a widow and I have been single a long time. I don't date much, and I don't intend to change that. I am only making this post with the hopes that I will discover that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I worked very hard on myself as a person for many years and I am finally becoming somebody that I like. Losing the weight has been great, but I'm a little bit afraid of losing anymore even though I'm still in the high 100s. My current body type is still way outside our cultural norm, and I am realizing that that has been a big part of the point of being overweight to begin with.

Has anyone who has reached her goal moved through these feelings that if you become too pretty, too thin, it's dangerous?

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

Here is what I have found---

When you lose the weight, YES others are attracted to you simply for the PHYSICAL change(s).

I have always had an outgoing, engaging personality. It may have been muffled under the excess weight, but that was more due to my withdrawal from life.

Do I find myself approached more? Yes. Unequivocally yes.

Did I have a hard time "accepting" this fact? Yes and no.

Here is why- prior to weight gain, I enjoyed a great deal of interaction socially ( not romantically- being married and all) from both sexes. It was my normal.

Do I sit and think "well screw you, you uppity socialite who NOW speaks to me"? Yep. I live in a community that is both Upper Middle class and extremely wealthy. We all intermingle, but the "super wealthy" women didn't give me the time of day when I was overweight. Now they fawn over me. Ha! Screw them. Didn't need them before, certainly don't now.

Here is also something I've seen---

There are those out there who will want to "score" with you, emotionally, physically, whichever, JUST for the hell of it...the game. You MAY find someone who "tells" you things just because...but don't fall for that BS. Be your best person, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Don't derail your happiness and success based on "what if". Don't let anyone or the fear of someone hurting you dictate where you eventually land weight-wise. YOU CHOOSE who you want to let into your life!!!! I'd go so far as to say when the time is RIGHT, choose people who didn't know you pre-op

Finally, you only become as invisible as you want to be. Having an outgoing, life-loving personality draws people to me. I don't say this to feather my own cap. It just is what it is. If you are outgoing and engaging, you don't disappear, you THRIVE. If you prefer to keep to yourself, then do that.

Summed up/-- you get to call all of the shots. How, when and with whom is up to you. Just don't fall prey to men who promise love and adoration just to score...no different now or thinner. Jerks abound. You're doing this for you. No one else and you don't need their validation.

You're definitely not the only person who has experienced this.

Our society attaches moral values to appearance. We want to believe that thin, attractive people must be good people. We believe overweight people have moral failings, like gluttony and sloth.

Thin people are much more likely to be hired than fat people with identical credentials because of the baggage we attach to body profile. The effect is much more pronounced in women than men.

For men, height can be a deal breaker for finding work when competing against taller but equally qualified candidates.

I lost 100lbs several years ago, and the attention I received from men was brutal (I'm a lesbian). I suddenly had men trying to invite themselves into my relationship with my wife, and had 1 stalker who took it upon himself to become my new "protector." I am generally a warm and friendly person, but I quickly realized that being friendly with men when you are attractive is always perceived as flirting and I opened myself to heaps of abuse from them when they found out I was just being nice (and not in any way, shape or form interested in them.)

Totally agree with everything you said here.

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[Serena89 9]

I get exactly how you feel! I lost 90 pounds about 16 years ago and had attention coming from guys that I didn't see before that point. I found myself getting so ANGRY. I was married the entire time so no attempts were made on my part, but that wasn't the point. Every girl likes to feel good... to be able to occasionally to point at the ring and say "Sorry, taken". My personality was the same, only my size had changed. I was just as approachable before. It took awhile for me to get over that feeling.

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[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I don't exactly have the same issues that you have, but I have gone through a lot of changes in the past 2 years and over the past couple months I have been going through an existential crisis of sorts.

I am having some difficulties with adjusting to how people treat me. I always thought I was pretty, so I feel the same about myself for the most part, but people treat me very differently. I was in denial about this for a while but recently the last 10-15 pounds I can't be in denial about how people treat me anymore. Women aren't as nice to me (which is bothersome), men are nicer.

It is like yeah, you know everyone is superficial and looks matter but it is another thing for it to slap you in the face, all the time.

[JupiterinVirgo 846]

I have to say, some of your stories and comments have deeply touched me. Some of you have so much compassion and understanding, and I thank you for showing up here and being willing to talk about this difficult subject. Living in a rape culture is scary. Being a woman, sometimes feels scary. I have been working through my sexual trauma for many years, with psychotherapists, intensive trauma recovery, shamans, and healers of all kinds. I am a strong believer in doing our best to confront process and heal our most painful wounds. As a counselor, there's one thing that I do know: the things that disfigure us psychically and emotionally, never cease to exist. That is, all we can do is make them an integrated part of who we are. There is a before and then after when it comes to certain kinds of life events. Somethings, you can never be the same again. This is not necessarily a bad thing. But it hurts like a mofo.

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[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@JupiterinVirgo

I have been doing affirmations for the past month to try and feel better about my body and looks.

They have really helped. That along with taking 5-HTP has really helped calm my negative self talk.