Spouse unable to deal with changes

[hbrhonda 108]

I don't even know where to begin. My husband is not being supportive. He is grieving the loss of my stomach. He feels like our life as we knew it has ended. Apparently, we ate out a lot and drank a lot, so now he feels we have NOTHING to do. We sit and watch TV thats basically it. Every time I suggest something he shoots it down. Its making me crazy. We have been fighting non-stop all week and I see no end to his issues. I dont know if he is jealous, fearful or is just being selfish.

1) He is upset that I dont cook. I made spaghetti and BBQ chicken this week which I ate none of. There were plenty of leftovers.

2) I have been out to dinner with him 3 times since surgery and I watched him eat <BORING>

3) Last summer we did concert in the park and brought a picnic and wine. This time I packed the picnic minus the wine and he just sat there and stared off into space and played on his phone the entire concert. I felt so lonely.

4) He wants to go to Vegas next week and I hate to be a downer but realistically that means buffets, drinking & wasting money. We used to frequent Vegas a lot so now I am wondering. Did our life change too much?

So basically what I am asking. What do couples do if they are not going out to dinner or drinking?

[James Marusek 5,244]

It is a shame that much of our lives revolve around meals. Since your surgery was last month, it may be awhile before you can go out to eat and take some pleasure in it. I am 3 years post-op RNY gastric bypass now and generally when I go to a restaurant, I eat around 1/4 to 1/3 of the meal and pack the rest to go for leftovers which last me for a week.

There are many activities available in California. Not sure what part you live in but:

Renaissance Fair

Boat Trip to Catalina Island and spend the day

Day Trip to Solvang

Trip to Ballarat Ghost Town

Visit the Wine Country (You can serve the role of the designated driver)

Visit the Modonna Inn (go to room tours)

Visit the Golden Gate Park

Visit the Griffith Observatory

Visit Vegas but make a point of attending the shows

[goblue9280 481]

Major life change for one is always going to stress the relationship... if the relationship was on solid foundation heading into the change, there's a good chance you can make it through. If not... well... this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybksJr1anc8

[jane13 2,256]

@@hbrhonda - I am 14 months post and I have never stopped eating out with hubby. he likes to eat out a lot. I am just more selective and get to eat a couple of meals out of one. We order a la carte items for me. I occasionally have a drink but that doesn't mean I cannot drink Water, unsweetened tea or coffee.

Maybe you need to get some newer things to do while enjoying getting healthier with hubby. When you go to the concert at the park walk around, sip some SF flavored water (you can be the designated driver) and eat some post VSG friendly type food that BOTH of you would like: sliced cheese, meats, etc.

Why watch him eat when you go out? I found out that my hubby felt guilty that I had so little to eat compared to his plate. Chew you food slowly, put the fork down, don't drink while eating, basically s-t-r-e-t-c-h out your meal to finish closer to the time he is done

Buffets offer a lot to choose from, you don't have to eat ALOT of anything so just get a bite of this or a bite of that.

Food = fuel for the body, think of it that way and re-evaluate this situations and see if you can change not only his view, but yours as well, as what "a good time" can be.

Sharing food is part of socializing, and post WLS as a patient, you adjust and move on...don't expect everyone to want to do a 180 degree change (baby steps).

You got this!

[kmorri 1,689]

I think it's important that you find a happy medium.....remember that he didn't have surgery. So going out to eat is still possible for both of you....I don't know if you're back on regular food but if not it'll get easier once you are. I think it's important to do things he likes without being bored....make the best of it.....Instead of being bored just enjoy the time you're spending together. You also should find something you both enjoy equally....going to the movies....concerts, plays, etc.....Remember that this has been a huge change so your relationship will need work....

Good luck to you both in finding your new normal.

[Chrystee 838]

You gotta give him a little slack.. You made a huge change, not him. Try to give him a little leeway..

[KristenLe 5,980]

@@hbrhonda All I can say is - COMMUNICATE!!! There's no need to stop enjoying going out - you might just need to adjust what you are eating and drinking. Your husband may also be feeling a little insecure. Again - talk to him! Be open and honest and try to get him to tell you what's going on. Hope everything works out well!

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Change is hard. It is revealing. It requires patience, trust. May I suggest some of the resources from John Gottman to help get the communication jump started...http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/what-happy-families-know/how-to-keep-love-going-strong

[hbrhonda 108]

Well originally he wanted to get sleeve surgery with me. He is 40 lbs over weight. He also is a quick loser if he pays attention to what he puts in his body. He is in construction and some days when he works hard loses 5 lbs or consumes 3000-4000 calories a day. So I asked him to wait on the surgery to see how my healing progresses. I really dont think sleeve would be a good option for him.

Also, we made a pact not to go out to dinner and quit drinking to facilitate his weight loss to hopefully prevent him from having to get some sort of surgery. Thats where all the changing habits come from. Not really me being controlling.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Have you considered couples therapy?

[KristenLe 5,980]

@@hbrhonda WLS would not be advisable for only 40lbs to lose. Maybe you can add some physical activity to your time together - that will benefit you both. You can go out - just both choose healthy options. Change is difficult but not insurmountable.

[Christinamo7 4,042]

we still go out to eat - I find almost every place has something I can eat, although I usually take home boxes. it really doesn't bother me if someone else drinks, so if he wants wine, I would just pack the wine in the picnic basket for him.

my husband works a physically demanding job, so I'm on my own for the walking/hiking/active things I want to do, but we do have television shows we enjoy watching together and we just enjoy being together so we haven't had any real issues with my lifestyle change.

I still cook for my family, usually part of what I can eat and an extra side or two (starch) for them. if you've always cooked for him and don't want to now then that is just something the two of you have to negotiate.

I hope the two of you can work your way through these changes.

[hbrhonda 108]

we still go out to eat - I find almost every place has something I can eat, although I usually take home boxes. it really doesn't bother me if someone else drinks, so if he wants wine, I would just pack the wine in the picnic basket for him.

my husband works a physically demanding job, so I'm on my own for the walking/hiking/active things I want to do, but we do have television shows we enjoy watching together and we just enjoy being together so we haven't had any real issues with my lifestyle change.

I still cook for my family, usually part of what I can eat and an extra side or two (starch) for them. if you've always cooked for him and don't want to now then that is just something the two of you have to negotiate.

I hope the two of you can work your way through these changes.

Thanks for the great advice. Maybe this is all just too much for him to take in. I will bring wine for him to the park Thursday and be his DD. He does have a physically demanding job being a roofing contractor. For the past week I have been taking it easy (being 3 weeks post op) and waiting for him to get home to walk together. Which doesn't seem to go over so well. Today I am gonna go to the gym while he is at work. Maybe I can do some things so he doesn't feel like HIS life isn't going down the tubes.

Problem with cooking is its just the two of us. I always make everything from scratch that takes about an hour. Who wants to slave over the stove for an hour? Not me right now. I do have some cook books: 30 minutes or less, 5 ingredients or less, Crockpot meals... May be time to drag those out.

[Ale Nunez 80]

I wouldn't worry too much. Its adjusting time for you and him, I'd say its just a matter of finding common ground. I haven't had surgery YET but I've already told my husband that when we go out I plan to eat off his plate and he's ok with that.

Good luck!

[Christinamo7 4,042]

Thanks for the great advice. Maybe this is all just too much for him to take in. I will bring wine for him to the park Thursday and be his DD. He does have a physically demanding job being a roofing contractor. For the past week I have been taking it easy (being 3 weeks post op) and waiting for him to get home to walk together. Which doesn't seem to go over so well. Today I am gonna go to the gym while he is at work. Maybe I can do some things so he doesn't feel like HIS life isn't going down the tubes.

we still go out to eat - I find almost every place has something I can eat, although I usually take home boxes. it really doesn't bother me if someone else drinks, so if he wants wine, I would just pack the wine in the picnic basket for him.

my husband works a physically demanding job, so I'm on my own for the walking/hiking/active things I want to do, but we do have television shows we enjoy watching together and we just enjoy being together so we haven't had any real issues with my lifestyle change.

I still cook for my family, usually part of what I can eat and an extra side or two (starch) for them. if you've always cooked for him and don't want to now then that is just something the two of you have to negotiate.

I hope the two of you can work your way through these changes.

Problem with cooking is its just the two of us. I always make everything from scratch that takes about an hour. Who wants to slave over the stove for an hour? Not me right now. I do have some cook books: 30 minutes or less, 5 ingredients or less, Crockpot meals... May be time to drag those out.

oh yes! good plan. I had cooked up 2 weeks of meals for my family ahead of time so they could just heat things. I knew I did NOT want to be cooking until I could eat with them, at least something even if it was soft foods. sometimes I just do taco meat in the crock pot and they have tacos or nachos, and I have the meat, salsa and cheese (and I am satisfied, so I do not feel like I am doing without)

and remember - and remind him if needed that in these first few months you will have a lot of hormone dump. some of that may work to his favor, some may work against, but I wouldn't go making any rash judgments about anything in the first 6 months. I have my husband and my best friend to run things by if I am feeling crazy (crazy mad, crazy happy, crazy stupid) if you don't have that, please find one of us who has been through it who you feel comfortable messaging because a lot of people do some really dumb things during that post op period.