Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

Boyfriend not supportive...feel lonely.



Recommended Posts

I am now midway through my journey to getting my sleeve, just 3 more months to go and I don't feel I have any support from my boyfriend. I see posts here and there about how some couples tend to fall apart after surgery, and I can't help but wonder what will happen to my already fragile relationship once I (fingers crossed) get approved? He too is obese and suffers from sleep apnea, he can easily qualify to have the sleeve done but he instead wants to achieve his weight loss by going to the gym and eating healthy. He workouts everyday (except sundays) two times a day, and does brazilian jiu jitsu. And with all that he does he is still severely obese. I thought that maybe this is a journey we can do together, but he doesn't seem interested. I think that he sees this surgery not as a tool, but as an "easy way" to loose weight. I try talking to him about it, but its always a one sided conversation. He says to me " I don't have to agree with your decision, but I will support it"...to me that makes zero sense. I hate that I feel alone in my journey. I live in another state, away from all my friends and family and would love to have a nice support system. I thought I would have it in him since he is essentially the only person in the state of maryland who i know... I don't even know if I want him to drop me off/pick me up on surgery day, or to be there waiting for me when I get out...I can't help but wonder/feel, that this will be what breaks us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's important to have some support, but yes I've seen often that surgery can be a breaking point. You will have to change your lifestyle and he has to be supportive. I can't tell you what to do, except I can recommend that you voice your concerns to him. Maybe take him with you to some of your appointments

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@leliwhoaoh There was just a recent article on BP about this.

http://www.bariatricpal.com/page/articles.html/_/support/pre-op-support/fix-relationship-issues-before-bariatric-surgery-r604

I have to say - even though he doesn't want to get surgery - that doesn't necessarily mean he's not going to be supportive. One of the biggest issues will be eating healthy post-op - and if he's willing to do that - great! You can find activities that you like to do together (go to the gym together). Don't push surgery on him - he may decide after that he's interested in WLS - or he may never want it. That's okay. Communication is extremely important!!! I would also encourage counseling.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@leliwhoaoh There was just a recent article on BP about this.

http://www.bariatricpal.com/page/articles.html/_/support/pre-op-support/fix-relationship-issues-before-bariatric-surgery-r604

I have to say - even though he doesn't want to get surgery - that doesn't necessarily mean he's not going to be supportive. One of the biggest issues will be eating healthy post-op - and if he's willing to do that - great! You can find activities that you like to do together (go to the gym together). Don't push surgery on him - he may decide after that he's interested in WLS - or he may never want it. That's okay. Communication is extremely important!!! I would also encourage counseling.

I would def. never push surgery, that's a huge personal decision and I support him for wanting to continue to loose the weight in the manner he is doing. Definitely going to read this article soon as I get home!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi @@leliwhoaoh, If you're midway through your pre-op journey, you should be attending support group and/or nutrition classes once a month, right? How about making some connections there? Start conversations with people who are going through the same journey and exchange contact info with them. And by all means invite your boyfriend to the support group meetings. Tell him it's important to you that he attend at least one so he can see that lots of people are going through this just like you are. And search the web or ask your bariatric coordinator for statistics that support your decision by comparing success rates after surgery vs. "the old-fashioned way". It's not "the easy way out", it's a commitment to a new way of living where you will have to make good decisions every single day about what goes into your mouth. The surgery helps, but it doesn't do it all. Good luck with your guy! And go make some new girlfriends in Maryland to help you not feel so alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread might be good reading for you:

http://bariatricpal.com/index.php?/topic/368606-I-feel-like-my-partner-isn%27t-even-trying-to-eat-better

I will say basically what I said there...

You can only control yourself. You can't change him. He has to want the change.

Dating is a time to assess whether someone is a match.

If he's not a match, move along. If he's a match but you don't see eye to eye on this one thing keep him but don't complain or try to change him.

This is your journey not his. Find support other places if it's not him.

But I do think you can support w choice without agreeing with it. My husband (of 22 years) and I do it all the time. We agree more than we disagree, but we disagree too. All humans do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Whatever your boyfriend does, the thing I would be most concerned about is the fact that he is the only person you know.

Whether or not your relationship survives the stress of this change, I would highly recommend that you build your own support network.

Feeling like you are trapped is no way to have a healthy relationship. Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship because you choose to be together rather than because you feel like you have no other choice.

As was mentioned above, attend support group meetings and see if he will go with you.

In the meantime, see if you can broaden your circle of acquaintances...that is the only way to discover some good friends.

You could also:

Attend church

Take a class

Volunteer

Attend community events

Join a YMCA or fitness center

Hang out at the public library, a park, or other community venue

As I mentioned in a recent thread, social isolation can have a negative impact on our health, even more so than obesity and immobility.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi @@leliwhoaoh, If you're midway through your pre-op journey, you should be attending support group and/or nutrition classes once a month, right? How about making some connections there? Start conversations with people who are going through the same journey and exchange contact info with them. And by all means invite your boyfriend to the support group meetings. Tell him it's important to you that he attend at least one so he can see that lots of people are going through this just like you are. And search the web or ask your bariatric coordinator for statistics that support your decision by comparing success rates after surgery vs. "the old-fashioned way". It's not "the easy way out", it's a commitment to a new way of living where you will have to make good decisions every single day about what goes into your mouth. The surgery helps, but it doesn't do it all. Good luck with your guy! And go make some new girlfriends in Maryland to help you not feel so alone.

I'll be attending my first support group meeting next week and hoping to make connections with others, looking forward to it!

Sent from my SM-G920P using the BariatricPal App

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He can disagree with your decision and still offer support as in he will go to the hospital with you when you have surgery, maybe attend a support group with you... I'm sure there are tons of other ways he can support you..

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

Edited by nyteacher125

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Trending Products

  • Trending Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • vsg.with.sharon

      Hey everyone!
      I’m new here! Looking for some friends! 🥰
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • LeighaTR

      Four days post surgery. I am sipping as fast as I can and getting NO WHERE near the goal of 60 - 80 grams of protein or the 64 oz of liquids. I just feel FULL. I don't know if it can still be the gas build up (I would think by now that would be gone) but it is a struggle to drink. And so far I have not had the nausea or spasms and don't want to wander into that territory by pushing too hard with liquids. I about passed out today as it was my most "strenuous" day. Went from second story to basement for shower and I was sure I was going to pass out. Looking back on my last few days I have had a total of less than 1000 calories. Am I just not getting enough nourishment in me? Once again a friday where I can't get ahold of the doc until Monday rolls back around so I am hoping maybe someone here has some experience on how to keep energy going. I do have fibromyalgia too and that may be where some added fatigue comes into play. How did you all fair with the goals the week after surgery?
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • Doughgurl

      2 days until I fly out to San Diego to have my Bypass Surg. in Tiajuana Mexico. Not gonna lie, the nerves are starting to surface. I don't fear the surgery itself, or the fact that I'm traveling alone, but its the aftermath that I'm stressing about the most, after this 8 week wait. I'm excited to finally be here, but I am really dreading the post surgical chapter. I know its going to be tough, real tough and I think I'm just in my head to much now that the day i here. Wish me luck, Hopefully I'm one of the lucky ones, and everything goes smoothly. Cant wait to give an exciting update,. If there is anyone else have a June bypass or even a recent one, Id love to have someone to compare war stories with. Also, anyone near San Antonio Tx? See ya soon with the future me. 💜
      · 3 replies
      1. Phil Penn

        Good Luck this procedure is well worth it I am down to 249.6 lb please continue with the process..

      2. Selina333

        I'm in Houston so kind of near you and had the sleeve in Dec. Down 61 lbs. Feeling better. Was definitely worth it. I hope the everything is going well for you. Update us when you can!

      3. Doughgurl

        I am back home after my bypass surgery in Tiajuana. I'm post op day 4. Everything went great! I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who have not encountered much pain at all, no nausea thus far and I'm having no problem keeping down broths and water. Thank you for your well wishes. I cant wait to keep up this journey and have a chance at better health and simply better quality of life. I know there will be bumps in the road ahead, and everything won't be peaches and cream, but at least I have a great start so far. 😍

    • LeighaTR

      I am new here today... and only two weeks out from my sleeve surgery on the 23rd. I am amazed I have kept my calories down to 467 today so far... that leaves me almost 750 left for dinner and maybe a snack. This is going to be tough for two weeks... but I have to believe I can do it!
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • Doughgurl

      Hey everyone. I'm new here so I thought I should introduce myself. I am 53y/o and am scheduled for Gastric Bypass on June 25th, 2025. I'm located in San Antonio, Texas. I will be having my surgery in Tiajuana Mexico. I've wanted this for years, but I always had insurance where bariatric procedures were excluded. Finally I am able to afford to pay out of pocket.  I can't wait to get started, and I hope I'm prepared for the initial period of "hell". I know what I have signed up for, but I'm sure the good to come will out way the temporary period of discomfort and feelings of regret. I'd love to find people to talk to who have been through the same procedure or experience before. So I look forward to meeting you all. Hope you have a great week!
      · 2 replies
      1. Selina333

        I'm so happy for you! You are about to change your life. I was so glad to get the sleeve done in Dec. I didn't have feelings of regret overall. And I'm down almost 60 lbs. I do feel a little sad at restaurants. I can barely eat half a kid's meal. I get adults meals often because kid ones don't have the same offerings at times. Then I feel obligated to eat on that until it's gone and that can be days. So the restaurant thing isn't great for me. All the rest is fine by me! I love feeling full with very little. I do wish I could drink when eating. And will sip at the end. Just a strong habit to stop. But I'm working on it! You will do fine! Just keep focused on your desire to be different. Not better or worse. But different. I am happy both ways but my low back doesn't like me that heavy. So I listened (also my feet!). LOL! Update us on your journey! I'm not far from you. I'm in Houston. Good luck and I hope it all goes smoothly! Would love to see pics of the town you go to for this. I've never been there. Neat you will be traveling for this! Enjoy the journey. Take it one day at a time. Sometimes a few hours at a time. Follow all recommendations as best you can. 💗

      2. Doughgurl

        Thank you so much for your well wishes. I am hoping that everything goes easy for me as well. We don't eat out much as it is, so it wont be too bad in that department. Thankfully. Also, I hear you regarding your back and feet!! I'd like to add knees to the list. Killing me as we speak! I'm only 5' so the weight has to go. Too short to carry all this weight. Menopause really did a doosey on me. (😶lol) My daughter also lives in Houston. with her Husband and my 5 grand-littles. I grew up in Beaumont, so I know Houston well, I will be sure to keep in touch and update you on my journey. I may need some advice in the future, or just motivation. Thank You so much for reaching out, I was hoping to connect with someone in the community. I really appreciate it. 💜

  • Recent Topics

  • Hot Products

  • Sign Up For
    Our Newsletter

    Follow us for the latest news
    and special product offers!
  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs

    PatchAid Vitamin Patches

    ×