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Boyfriend not supportive...feel lonely.



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I am now midway through my journey to getting my sleeve, just 3 more months to go and I don't feel I have any support from my boyfriend. I see posts here and there about how some couples tend to fall apart after surgery, and I can't help but wonder what will happen to my already fragile relationship once I (fingers crossed) get approved? He too is obese and suffers from sleep apnea, he can easily qualify to have the sleeve done but he instead wants to achieve his weight loss by going to the gym and eating healthy. He workouts everyday (except sundays) two times a day, and does brazilian jiu jitsu. And with all that he does he is still severely obese. I thought that maybe this is a journey we can do together, but he doesn't seem interested. I think that he sees this surgery not as a tool, but as an "easy way" to loose weight. I try talking to him about it, but its always a one sided conversation. He says to me " I don't have to agree with your decision, but I will support it"...to me that makes zero sense. I hate that I feel alone in my journey. I live in another state, away from all my friends and family and would love to have a nice support system. I thought I would have it in him since he is essentially the only person in the state of maryland who i know... I don't even know if I want him to drop me off/pick me up on surgery day, or to be there waiting for me when I get out...I can't help but wonder/feel, that this will be what breaks us.

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It's important to have some support, but yes I've seen often that surgery can be a breaking point. You will have to change your lifestyle and he has to be supportive. I can't tell you what to do, except I can recommend that you voice your concerns to him. Maybe take him with you to some of your appointments

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@@leliwhoaoh There was just a recent article on BP about this.

http://www.bariatricpal.com/page/articles.html/_/support/pre-op-support/fix-relationship-issues-before-bariatric-surgery-r604

I have to say - even though he doesn't want to get surgery - that doesn't necessarily mean he's not going to be supportive. One of the biggest issues will be eating healthy post-op - and if he's willing to do that - great! You can find activities that you like to do together (go to the gym together). Don't push surgery on him - he may decide after that he's interested in WLS - or he may never want it. That's okay. Communication is extremely important!!! I would also encourage counseling.

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@@leliwhoaoh There was just a recent article on BP about this.

http://www.bariatricpal.com/page/articles.html/_/support/pre-op-support/fix-relationship-issues-before-bariatric-surgery-r604

I have to say - even though he doesn't want to get surgery - that doesn't necessarily mean he's not going to be supportive. One of the biggest issues will be eating healthy post-op - and if he's willing to do that - great! You can find activities that you like to do together (go to the gym together). Don't push surgery on him - he may decide after that he's interested in WLS - or he may never want it. That's okay. Communication is extremely important!!! I would also encourage counseling.

I would def. never push surgery, that's a huge personal decision and I support him for wanting to continue to loose the weight in the manner he is doing. Definitely going to read this article soon as I get home!

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Hi @@leliwhoaoh, If you're midway through your pre-op journey, you should be attending support group and/or nutrition classes once a month, right? How about making some connections there? Start conversations with people who are going through the same journey and exchange contact info with them. And by all means invite your boyfriend to the support group meetings. Tell him it's important to you that he attend at least one so he can see that lots of people are going through this just like you are. And search the web or ask your bariatric coordinator for statistics that support your decision by comparing success rates after surgery vs. "the old-fashioned way". It's not "the easy way out", it's a commitment to a new way of living where you will have to make good decisions every single day about what goes into your mouth. The surgery helps, but it doesn't do it all. Good luck with your guy! And go make some new girlfriends in Maryland to help you not feel so alone.

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This thread might be good reading for you:

http://bariatricpal.com/index.php?/topic/368606-I-feel-like-my-partner-isn%27t-even-trying-to-eat-better

I will say basically what I said there...

You can only control yourself. You can't change him. He has to want the change.

Dating is a time to assess whether someone is a match.

If he's not a match, move along. If he's a match but you don't see eye to eye on this one thing keep him but don't complain or try to change him.

This is your journey not his. Find support other places if it's not him.

But I do think you can support w choice without agreeing with it. My husband (of 22 years) and I do it all the time. We agree more than we disagree, but we disagree too. All humans do.

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Whatever your boyfriend does, the thing I would be most concerned about is the fact that he is the only person you know.

Whether or not your relationship survives the stress of this change, I would highly recommend that you build your own support network.

Feeling like you are trapped is no way to have a healthy relationship. Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship because you choose to be together rather than because you feel like you have no other choice.

As was mentioned above, attend support group meetings and see if he will go with you.

In the meantime, see if you can broaden your circle of acquaintances...that is the only way to discover some good friends.

You could also:

Attend church

Take a class

Volunteer

Attend community events

Join a YMCA or fitness center

Hang out at the public library, a park, or other community venue

As I mentioned in a recent thread, social isolation can have a negative impact on our health, even more so than obesity and immobility.

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Hi @@leliwhoaoh, If you're midway through your pre-op journey, you should be attending support group and/or nutrition classes once a month, right? How about making some connections there? Start conversations with people who are going through the same journey and exchange contact info with them. And by all means invite your boyfriend to the support group meetings. Tell him it's important to you that he attend at least one so he can see that lots of people are going through this just like you are. And search the web or ask your bariatric coordinator for statistics that support your decision by comparing success rates after surgery vs. "the old-fashioned way". It's not "the easy way out", it's a commitment to a new way of living where you will have to make good decisions every single day about what goes into your mouth. The surgery helps, but it doesn't do it all. Good luck with your guy! And go make some new girlfriends in Maryland to help you not feel so alone.

I'll be attending my first support group meeting next week and hoping to make connections with others, looking forward to it!

Sent from my SM-G920P using the BariatricPal App

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He can disagree with your decision and still offer support as in he will go to the hospital with you when you have surgery, maybe attend a support group with you... I'm sure there are tons of other ways he can support you..

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

Edited by nyteacher125

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