Good party, but I wind up feeling bad....

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I hosted a fun bbq on Saturday. I invited friends, my boyfriend invited friends, my grown sons invited friends and I invited a niece and her husband that live nearby. What is the significance of this? I have been single several years and have never included a man I am dating in a big social event like this much less open my home and my "people" to his social circle. I am (overly) self protective of my little world and I am consciously trying to be more open.

So people hit it off - 2 of my pals became like instant buddies with 2 of his pals. There was alot of joking and playing games and bantering about.. People stayed late and I got several calls about what a fun and lively group it was - I had a blast.

Ok, so yesterday one of my sons asks me if I talked to my niece, which I had not. He told me they left all pissed off, but I didn't notice as it was a big group and I was hostessing. I also had a few glasses of wine so I was a little bit buzzed, the music was very loud sort of thing. Well apparently my boyfriend really pissed them off. My son repeated some of the offensive dialog...and it wasn't offensive. It was a head scratcher,but it was very clear my son was also mad #1 at me for being buzzed and #2 at my boyfriend for his remarks and perhaps he just doesn't like him.

You should note that I was in bed by 11, but the youngsters stayed up all night partying so putting this in context - I was not the party animal here. I have a small farm so my boys' friends either camp on the living room floor or in my yard if they drink. I am generous with them and always cook Breakfast the next day etc., those young people are familiar with my home and its never been an issue. My son did tell me he had a very good time overall though, but my niece and her husband did not/left angry. I thanked him for telling me because open communication is important.

I really listened because sometimes people can't directly tell you things ...but I still could not understand why they are so offended. Like nothing my son repeated back to me was rude or insulting. (A story was told that mentioned people in Virginia telling my boyfriend he was crazy to move back to the wild west with redneck horseback riders. My friends and I are horseback riders and we weren't offended, it was a light hearted story, so I can't imagine why my niece would be upset by this) I will call my niece when I am feeling less defensive.

My theory is the real issue is differing political views, but I didn't hear anyone going to that subject. My boyfriend is a political right winger and as a lawyer very good at making his case. I don't share his views and most of his friends don't either - but just because doesn't share your politics, is that offensive? Or maybe the real issue is that the role I have always played in my family is overacheiever, smart but not particularly joyous, works all the time, mom-type person...and seeing me cutting loose with friends was the real underlying issue? I don't know.

Anyway, I feel sort of...deflated. after taking this chance and bringing together different pieces of my world, thinking it went great only to find someone felt so upset. I am a"fixer" by nature and it's awful to think that nice people are upset...when it was supposed to be fun and light hearted event.

I know it shouldn't bother me so much but it has. My initial internal reaction is to think "well last time I try THAT", but until this came up I was looking forward to hosting many more.

This post isn't really about the other people it is about my own emotional state. I hate it that I can be on cloud 9 and then something like this comes to my attention and I don't feel good. I take it too hard. Back when I was obese I think I used food and obesity to mask and even out these emotions. I have come a long way, but still learning how to be more tolerant of "feeling bad" and experiencing these ups and downs without it making me think differently. Last night I really wanted to talk about this all but glad I didn't because even the next day I feel that self defensive, negative emotional state and I might say something hurtful...which going back to the beginning....is the last thing I want.

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[gowalking 10,790]

I appreciate your story CowgirlJane. I went through a difficult time with my son and DIL yesterday related to my behavior with my grandson and not respecting my DIL as the boy's mother. I must admit I have issues with her and they do spill over. Suffice to say I was very upset yesterday and Mother's Day is in jeopardy. When I got off the phone with my son, the first thing I wanted to do was eat. Anything. Just stuff my face. I wanted to lash out and defend myself...and since I couldn't, I wanted to eat instead. I know that this is my pattern...and I have to learn how not to go that route. Just like a drug addict..or an alcoholic.

I know this morning that while the issues with my son and DIL are still unresolved, I at least am not mired in guilt because I also fell off the wagon.

As far as your party...you know that you cannot control everything that happens when people are together. Sometimes feelings will be hurt or bruised...things will happen...things will be said. Please don't be tempted to throw out the baby with the bathwater because it sounds like this party was a huge step for you and with all huge steps comes some missteps at times. Just remember to keep on keeping on.

Oh...and one more thing...I'm also terrified of being hurt and vulnerable and that was alot of the reasons behind my gaining so much weight...and being so afraid of putting myself out there so just know that even virtually, I have your back and am hoping only the best for you.

[JamieLogical 8,727]

@@CowgirlJane For better or worse, I would feel the exact same way in your situation. I agree it may be part of why were are/were emotional eaters. We feel more deeply than we should, so we turned to food to help cope with those powerful emotions. I think it is good that you are being analytical about this. You already recognize that the emotions you are feeling shouldn't be allowed to ruin what was otherwise a great experience. And I think that, in and of itself, is quite and accomplishment.

[Margie122 845]

You can't control everything that goes on at a party. If your niece and her husband left angry and are truly angry about something they should talk to you. It sounds like your son might be jealous of his mom dating?

Families are tough. Good for you for recognizing that you can't talk about it right now because you are on the defensive.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

And this is why Thanksgiving Day dinners with extended family and friends are so popular!

More seriously, those who are into mindfulness based cognitive therapy would suggest that you are allowing your thoughts (which are, frankly, pretty darned meaningless) turn into obsessive meditations that are now controlling your behaviors, your decisions, and your peace of mind -- even your happiness.

Thoughts really aren't very important -- unless we think they're the most important thing in the world. "Analysis" is seldom as high-level as that word sounds. Mostly, what we consider "analysis" is the process of becoming fixated on "facts" which aren't actually facts but just -- right, again -- thoughts. This is sometimes referred to as "chasing your tail."

I recommend this book: Mindfulness: An eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

You know, it didn't occur to me until I read this that perhaps I am not personally responsible for their hurt feelings or that I need to call them to resolve it. I probably WILL call them because I am a caring person, but thank you for pointing out that they are all grown ups and could actually reach out to me and clear the air (if there really is a problem since I still don't get it actually).

I guess we all have some family "stuff" but my family is usually pretty low drama so this kind of thing doesn't happen much and it genuinely shocked me.

I feel alot better after just typing this out - sometimes venting is just what i need. I really wanted to talk it over with someone last night, but like i said recognized that sometimes holding your peace until you have had a chance to reflect is a bit more prudent.

I am a work in process... but you know spending a lifetime denying your feelings doesn't mean you can instantly flip a switch and let yourself risk revealing yourself to others and not feel a little sting when things go a little sideways.

You can't control everything that goes on at a party. If your niece and her husband left angry and are truly angry about something they should talk to you. It sounds like your son might be jealous of his mom dating?

Families are tough. Good for you for recognizing that you can't talk about it right now because you are on the defensive.

[Valentina 2,642]

Just from following this thread and your comments as it goes along, I feel that , "You got this".

You're already working it through and are heading for "the light"---the solution--or the ease of the situation--for YOU.

Keep working it, my friend. You're almost there!

Prayers going up.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Family is messy.

I am guessing that your niece did not get bent out of shape at the last minute. Therefore, it's on her that she did not express to you that she was uncomfortable with another guest or conversation. She could have excused herself and offered to help in the kitchen or just move on to talk to someone else.

I have an ex-daughter in law who tried to control every family event. She was so demanding that my ex and I got to where we quit hosting or going to family events that included her. She made no effort to be gracious or sociable. She just wanted all the attention on herself.

It sounds to me like a fun party, and if Washington was not so far from Chicago, I would have come. I have not been on a horse since 1988.

[Margie122 845]

Hi Cowgirljane - just wondering how you are feeling after putting some more distance between you and the events. Hope all is well!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I am doing great now thank you. I talked to M last night and he gave good advice..niece not so important and is the real issue my son not being comfortable with me having someone truly becoming part of my life? He was very supportive and apologetic if he said anything but he really was on good behavior (no politics ) so I really don't know what was so offensive.

My son and I cleared the air; no problem. I still haven't called my niece.

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