omg the saga continues....need to let off steam

I am looking for lawyers and spoke to one briefly that mentioned I could get spousal support. I thought I would feel very guilty taking it knowing how tight he is financially now.

Well today he is making it much easier on me. I am trying to be respectful of his polite request to be present when I come to our apartment to pack up my things, but he's NEVER home! Every day I'm like how about today or tomorrow or this weekend and he always says he has something going on. Then he throws back at me "what do you need that is so urgent?"

Now I'm talking to him about some of our mutual things that I would like to take. I am currently staying with my parents and these things will be stored in their basement until I have my own place and he keeps throwing that in my face. When I said I want one of our area rugs he says he needs it now and I don't. When I said I want two out of the 4 book cases we have again he says he needs it now and I don't

every single thing I say I want to take he is giving me grief over even though the list of things he is keeping is so much longer than the list of things I want to take.

He is making it easy for me to want to stop being nice about this. I still have my keys, either he lets me take what I want with his blessing or he's going to come home to an empty apartment one day

Having been through 2 divorces, I have some experience to share.

#1 - ask yourself if any personal possession is worth the fight. I guarantee you if you make a court battle over anything, it will cost you multiple times more than just replacing the object.

#2 - if you haven't had a preliminary hearing, then technically everything is still as much yours as his. Like others have said, bring a witness and/or video tape what you take and what you leave. But quit worrying about what he thinks.

Which brings me to #3 - you're getting a divorce. I didn't catch whether he initiated this or you did, but ultimately it doesn't matter. The marriage is over in all but name. Cut off contact except in writing about legal issues or dividing stuff. What he thinks or says about you is irrelevant. You need to look out for yourself. He is no longer obligated to watch out for you or your feelings, nor you his. He's going to say you're the devil incarnate, it's a given. He may or may not get over that, but it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It's none of his business if you need it now or not.

BTW, a therapist is always a good idea if you are having issues with boundaries or emotions after a divorce.

As far as getting your stuff, anything you brought into the marriage, take it if you want it. Anything you bought during the marriage, you are entitled to 1/2. If he won't agree on a reasonable date, inform him (preferably in writing) what date and time you will be there, and he gets to choose if it's important enough for him to be there.

I didn't see anything about kids, so I'm assuming you don't have any. Kids are the one thing it's worth getting an attorney for. Anything else, unless it's an irreplacable heirloom (in which case go get it ASAP) it's NOT worth the attorneys' fees and court fight.

If you have no kids and no appreciable assets, joint file without an attorney if you are getting along well enough to do it. If not, get an attorney who will do it as inexpensively as possible and make sure the attorney knows you don't want a court battle over anything. There are even attorneys that do uncontested divorces for a flat fee and file all the paperwork and only one attorney is needed.

Bottom line, the only people who win in divorces are attorneys.

Best of luck to you! It *does* get better. A LOT better.

We don't have kids and we don't own a home and we don't have any significant savings, so the only thing we need to split is our physical belongings. I am looking into lawyers for filing the paperwork.

I think for him the issue is about money. He always worries about not having money for things. I used to handle our bills but now he's doing all that and he is now really seeing how much money he has. His issue is that everything I take he has to replace where from his point of view he believs that he needs the items more than I do since I am living with my parents. He believs my parents are wealthy and should just buy me anything I want when I get my own place.

My parents do very well but are in no way rich. I think he is resentful that he know my parents will absolutely help me financially if I truly need it while his parents will not (they have the money to loan him they just refuse to)

We don't have kids and we don't own a home and we don't have any significant savings, so the only thing we need to split is our physical belongings. I am looking into lawyers for filing the paperwork.

I think for him the issue is about money. He always worries about not having money for things. I used to handle our bills but now he's doing all that and he is now really seeing how much money he has. His issue is that everything I take he has to replace where from his point of view he believs that he needs the items more than I do since I am living with my parents. He believs my parents are wealthy and should just buy me anything I want when I get my own place.

My parents do very well but are in no way rich. I think he is resentful that he know my parents will absolutely help me financially if I truly need it while his parents will not (they have the money to loan him they just refuse to)

So funny story. Ex#1 and I lived in a house my parents owned. My parents aren't rich, but Dad doesn't believe in debt so they do pretty well. They had bought a house from my aunt and were thinking about going into rental properties. Ex#1 and I put some of our own money into the reno, mainly because Ex#1 wanted stuff that was above and beyond what Mom & Dad were willing to put into a rental. No biggie. So I got preggers and Ex#1 wasn't working (long story) so Mom & Dad never charged us any rent because they knew it was all on me. I finally had had enough, and kicked him out (then let him back then kicked him out again... longer story).

So we're in our preliminary hearing, and he has done the equivalent of bringing a knife to a gun fight. One of my dear friends was a very well connected and prominent family practice attorney in the county we lived in, and she hated Ex#1. So obviously she was my go-to. He brought someone his Mom got a 3rd hand referral to, and his guy was a REAL ESTATE attorney. ::headdesk:: Anyway, he brought a list of ridiculous demands, and my attorney kicked his attorney back a few times, and there were like 3 things he was determined to put in front of a judge. They were all stupid, but the worst was that he wanted 1/2 the value of the home and spousal support since he wasn't working. I live in Texas and we had a female judge, if you can tell how far this was going to fly. The judge had both of our financial worksheets in front of her. She could see as a single parent I was barely getting by (and my parents were charging me a grand total of $500/mo in rent by that time) and asked him where he thought I was going to get that kind of money. He said, "her parents can afford it". The judge rolled her eyes and informed him that my parents weren't party to the divorce suit, their finances were not relevant, we were renters, and he was out of luck.

It's amazing to me how some people can feel so entitled.

Bottom line, his money problems are his. Not yours, his. No longer your worry. And it doesn't matter what he will have to replace, or if he thinks you really need it or not. Period. You get everything you brought into the marriage, and 1/2 of what you guys purchased during it. (Legally, the first part depends on what state you're in, but realistically, if you brought a couch into the marriage, it's yours.) Anything more than that you're willing to concede is out of the goodness of your heart, and you should feel free to tell him that. He's got to learn to stand on his own feet and adult up. It doesn't matter who "needs" it more. It would matter if there were kids involved, but there aren't, so build that wall around your heart and don't let his whining about "fair" sway you. That's not to say anything is worth fighting in court, because of everything I already said. If something is going to become a court issue, just let him have it. It is cheaper than attorney's fees.

Edited April 29, 201610 yr by theantichick

I will add one more piece of advice. Do not, under any circumstances, agree to keep any joint financial accounts (primarily debt accounts) open with your soon-to-be-ex. If you have any joint accounts, you need to contact the financial institution and close the accounts. For debts you'll still have to pay them, but you do not want either of you to be able to keep charging on them, and you will if they are open. The divorce judgment will assign debts to each of you, but the judgment is NOT BINDING on your creditors. If a credit card or car payment gets assigned to the Ex, and he defaults, it will come back on you. Demand if he's keeping something like a car with your name on it, that you get your name off of the loan. I ended up playing the game with Ex#1 for over 12 years with a credit card I allowed to stay open, and ended up with it in default and I didn't know until I got rejected for a car loan. Just don't do it. Your attorney should advise you of stuff like that (I didn't listen) but if they miss it, you'll need to mention it.

The only thing with both of our names on it is a checking account that i am no longer using and the lease on the apartment which is over at the end of june. Oh and our cell phones. His car is completely in his name and mine is completely in mine. So that's going to make some things easier

The only thing with both of our names on it is a checking account that i am no longer using and the lease on the apartment which is over at the end of june. Oh and our cell phones. His car is completely in his name and mine is completely in mine. So that's going to make some things easier

If your name is in an account you are not using then get your name off of it asap. The last thing you need is for him to start bouncing checks just for spite.

Of course I could just empty the account myself *evil laugh*

Call the police, make an appointment with them, then you (along with a policeman) go and get your belongings. The police will make an attempt to have "him" be home, but if that can't be arranged, they will go with you alone.

Just do it. No drama. No confrontation.

Get it done, and move on.

What Valentina said. Having a deputy there on civil standby is the way to go. If your future ex is there, fine, the deputy will hold the peace. If he's not, then the cop can verify what you are taking in addition to taking video tape before and after removing items. Also have an inventory list of exactly what you took and what you left in case you have to show it to a judge. Try and come up with most of the list ahead of time so you won't have to be there that long. But it's still your apartment and you do not need his permission to go in.

But in the end, other than the sentimental personal stuff, remember it's all just stuff. When I broke up with my live in boyfriend of 6 years, I left with almost nothing. We had a 1400sq ft house that we had purchased together along with all the furniture, a fishing boat and a canoe. Besides my personal belongings, I walked away with a waterbed, a small TV, the computer, the dog and the cat. I Let him have the house and everything else. My new apartment was furnished with milk crates and beach chairs. I just wanted out and I never regretted not getting my "fair share". The dog and cat (Kona and Cladaugh )were the only things that were irreplaceable anyways.

@ Kindle:

Yeah, what you said, my friend.

Fortunately I have one of our cats but I do very much miss the other kitty

omg the saga continues....need to let off steam

I am looking for lawyers and spoke to one briefly that mentioned I could get spousal support. I thought I would feel very guilty taking it knowing how tight he is financially now.

Well today he is making it much easier on me. I am trying to be respectful of his polite request to be present when I come to our apartment to pack up my things, but he's NEVER home! Every day I'm like how about today or tomorrow or this weekend and he always says he has something going on. Then he throws back at me "what do you need that is so urgent?"

Now I'm talking to him about some of our mutual things that I would like to take. I am currently staying with my parents and these things will be stored in their basement until I have my own place and he keeps throwing that in my face. When I said I want one of our area rugs he says he needs it now and I don't. When I said I want two out of the 4 book cases we have again he says he needs it now and I don't

every single thing I say I want to take he is giving me grief over even though the list of things he is keeping is so much longer than the list of things I want to take.

He is making it easy for me to want to stop being nice about this. I still have my keys, either he lets me take what I want with his blessing or he's going to come home to an empty apartment one day

Yeah, check the laws on spousal support. In my area you have to be married for a minimum of 10 years and is usually only given for around a year. It's not like it was in the past where women were allowed to collect until they decided to remarry.

omg the saga continues....need to let off steam

I am looking for lawyers and spoke to one briefly that mentioned I could get spousal support. I thought I would feel very guilty taking it knowing how tight he is financially now.

Well today he is making it much easier on me. I am trying to be respectful of his polite request to be present when I come to our apartment to pack up my things, but he's NEVER home! Every day I'm like how about today or tomorrow or this weekend and he always says he has something going on. Then he throws back at me "what do you need that is so urgent?"

Now I'm talking to him about some of our mutual things that I would like to take. I am currently staying with my parents and these things will be stored in their basement until I have my own place and he keeps throwing that in my face. When I said I want one of our area rugs he says he needs it now and I don't. When I said I want two out of the 4 book cases we have again he says he needs it now and I don't

every single thing I say I want to take he is giving me grief over even though the list of things he is keeping is so much longer than the list of things I want to take.

He is making it easy for me to want to stop being nice about this. I still have my keys, either he lets me take what I want with his blessing or he's going to come home to an empty apartment one day

Yeah, check the laws on spousal support. In my area you have to be married for a minimum of 10 years and is usually only given for around a year. It's not like it was in the past where women were allowed to collect until they decided to remarry.

Or men! My ex sued me twice for spousal support. --aahh, the good ol' days.

BUT, remember my "plan A"? Worked like a charm...

omg the saga continues....need to let off steam

I am looking for lawyers and spoke to one briefly that mentioned I could get spousal support. I thought I would feel very guilty taking it knowing how tight he is financially now.

Well today he is making it much easier on me. I am trying to be respectful of his polite request to be present when I come to our apartment to pack up my things, but he's NEVER home! Every day I'm like how about today or tomorrow or this weekend and he always says he has something going on. Then he throws back at me "what do you need that is so urgent?"

Now I'm talking to him about some of our mutual things that I would like to take. I am currently staying with my parents and these things will be stored in their basement until I have my own place and he keeps throwing that in my face. When I said I want one of our area rugs he says he needs it now and I don't. When I said I want two out of the 4 book cases we have again he says he needs it now and I don't

every single thing I say I want to take he is giving me grief over even though the list of things he is keeping is so much longer than the list of things I want to take.

He is making it easy for me to want to stop being nice about this. I still have my keys, either he lets me take what I want with his blessing or he's going to come home to an empty apartment one day

Yeah, check the laws on spousal support. In my area you have to be married for a minimum of 10 years and is usually only given for around a year. It's not like it was in the past where women were allowed to collect until they decided to remarry.

where i live if you've been married less than ten years if you get support you woukd get it for half of the length of the marriage and the amount you get is one third of the difference between your salaries. Based on that formula i am eligible for a few hundred dollars a month for 4 years

So today I told him that whether he was there or not I was coming by saturday with my dad's truck to get some things.

his answer......."well that fucks up my plans a bit"

my response..."well divorce fucked up my life a bit"

before I moved into my parents house I was out of work and he would always complain about the apartment not being spotless (he didn't seem to notice that I did all the grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, packed him a lunch every day, or that every day he came home to a hot dinner and a cold beer) his favorite phrase was "what do you do all day?"

well I was at the apartment last week and it looks like a tornado hit it!!

also funny story. Last month was my dad's birthday and I made a pie for dessert. My dad eats a bite and says "oh man, your husband is an idiot for leaving you" haha