ex husband frustration

[Sophie74656 1,572]

omg the saga continues....need to let off steam

I am looking for lawyers and spoke to one briefly that mentioned I could get spousal support. I thought I would feel very guilty taking it knowing how tight he is financially now.

Well today he is making it much easier on me. I am trying to be respectful of his polite request to be present when I come to our apartment to pack up my things, but he's NEVER home! Every day I'm like how about today or tomorrow or this weekend and he always says he has something going on. Then he throws back at me "what do you need that is so urgent?"

Now I'm talking to him about some of our mutual things that I would like to take. I am currently staying with my parents and these things will be stored in their basement until I have my own place and he keeps throwing that in my face. When I said I want one of our area rugs he says he needs it now and I don't. When I said I want two out of the 4 book cases we have again he says he needs it now and I don't

every single thing I say I want to take he is giving me grief over even though the list of things he is keeping is so much longer than the list of things I want to take.

He is making it easy for me to want to stop being nice about this. I still have my keys, either he lets me take what I want with his blessing or he's going to come home to an empty apartment one day

[jane13 2,256]

@@Sophie74656 - I would take someone with you and video what is IN the house now (and what you take with you) it may come up missing when you want it :/

Or you may be accused of taking it.

Divorce, even a pending one, can be really stressful.

sorry you are going through this, I have 'been there and done that' and it was not pretty.

[GibbsGirl 483]

You have to do what you have to do. Document all your calls and the information exchanged. When you go in documentation is necessary so video is a great idea. Sounds like some past behavior repeating regarding trying to control you. If spousal support is possible then go for it, divorce is a negotiation put yourself it the best place and go from there. He isn't feeling sorry for you so you can't let old emotions filter in.

Rip off the band aid and get a lawyer. You don't have to be nasty to get respect just expect it.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

It is very stressful... and while I think you deserve your share, never forget that "stuff is just stuff".

[Sophie74656 1,572]

That is a good idea. I am going there tonight and i will try to at least get some pictures.

He's also really starting to aggrivate me because he keeps saying "your parents are rich they can just buy you new stuff". Yes they make good money but in no way are they rich

[Sophie74656 1,572]

You have to do what you have to do. Document all your calls and the information exchanged. When you go in documentation is necessary so video is a great idea. Sounds like some past behavior repeating regarding trying to control you. If spousal support is possible then go for it, divorce is a negotiation put yourself it the best place and go from there. He isn't feeling sorry for you so you can't let old emotions filter in.

Rip off the band aid and get a lawyer. You don't have to be nasty to get respect just expect it.

I am looking for a lawyer. But we don't have a lot to split, we don't own anything and rent the apartment. I would hate to spend thousands on a lawyer over some possessions. I am starting to be more pushy about taking what is rightfully mine and I know I really need to stop being so nice

[Sophie74656 1,572]

It is very stressful... and while I think you deserve your share, never forget that "stuff is just stuff".

it definitely is just stuff and has no sentimental value. I was ready to just take my own clothes and my crafting supplies and leave it at that but his selfish attitude has made me change my mind

[Montana Gal 448]

​I believe NJ is a 50/50 state, so he needs to be more respectful. You are entitled to 1/2 of property. I agree with @@jane13, @GiibsGirl and @CowgirlJane. Take a video camera and a friend when dividing the material stuff and also document, document, document every interaction. I am so sorry you are going through this. Hoping you will find a way to find some peace and balance in your life! Keep coming back to this forum.

Edited April 28, 2016 by Montana Gal

[Miss Mac 6,261]

You have keys and are not divorced yet, so it's still your legal home unless there is a restraining order out against you.

I like the idea of taking someone with you who can video what happens while you are there. Take someone who would not be intimidated by him in case he suddenly shows up or is actually there. If he denies you entrance to your own home, go get a sheriff's deputy.

Good for you for getting out. No shame in your game - just do what you have to do. And yeah, it's just stuff if you have to walk away with nothing. I have started over twice. Both times (after 23 years and after 10 years) I walked away with my life, dignity, and peace of mind. You would be surprised at how little you need to get by.....kinda like camping with a roof and walls.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

I am currently staying with my parents so at the moment I don't need much and he keeps throwing that in my face

but I don't want to live with them forever, just enough to get myself in a better place and save up some money. So whatever I don't take from our apartment I have to buy later and he's not getting that. He thinks my parents should buy me everything.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I agree with everyone else. Document, document, document. Also, have someone with you when you go over there or are around him. You need a witness.

If you feel unsafe, you can also call law enforcement to be there while you get your stuff.

Be safe and take care of yourself.

[Renkoss 420]

The fact of what your parents have and don't have is not your soon-to-be ex's business! You are a grown married woman, and when the I Do's were spoken by him, that meant taking on the responsibility of being a provider; not leaving your needs to your parents! So ridiculous!

As an adult, a married one at that, you both obtained the possessions you have together. A 50/50 split is obvious. You are not asking for much; he just doesn't like that you are taking things from him, and he wants to be in control and difficult. I would never tell someone to be unkind, but you need to stand up for yourself and be slighly forceful in this situation. You are entitled to the "stuff" as much as he is. It doesn't matter if you are living at your parents or in a cave! Point is the stuff belongs to both.

I hope things get better for you. Try to keep your stress levels low.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Stress is definitely the word. Looking back on this past year, I lost my job, had my sleeve, lost one of our cats, and over all this time watched as he more and more showed a complete indifference to me and finally said he wanted to separate, then I had to move back in with my parents. Not been a great year

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Sometimes difficulties with people solve more problems than they cause.

[jane13 2,256]

@@Sophie74656 - spin the negatives you have dealt with into a positive -

lost your job - you may have needed to move on to another company/job anyways to get a fresh start

sleeve - you are getting your life headed on a more healthier track

lost a furry friend - no positive spin I can easily suggest as I do not know the circumstances. Maybe sick or aging to the point he/she was unable to have a 'normal' life?

soon to be ex - another 200lb loss of dead weight. If you are not getting emotional support and he distanced himself you are better off without him.

jane