How Do You Like to Be Complimented?

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am toying with the idea for an article and could use everyone's help.

I have noticed that we frequently have threads about how insulting and rude some people can be when commenting on our weight loss. Whether they mean to be kind or rude, it seems that there doesn't seem to be a very good sense of how to talk about such an obvious change or even if talking about it is acceptable.

Some of us hate it when no one comments, others hate it when someone does comment. Since most of us aren't French, we never have really learned the fine art of giving and receiving compliments (without it turning into a back-handed compliment or criticism).

What are some examples of comments or compliments that you have received that you found particularly helpful? What kinds of comments make you feel good about your success? What do you like to hear from friends and family and not co-workers? What do you like to hear in a professional setting?

I know that there are no hard and fast rules but I would like to figure out a way to provide some guidance on how to address such obvious changes, especially in the workplace.

I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas, and experiences.

[Xena7158 26]

That's a really interesting question - and as I'm thinking about it, I find myself drawing a blank! I know from prior weight losses (and subsequent gains ... but I digress), when people notice and try to say nice things - I always just sort of brush it off, down play it, and sometimes might manage to say a perfunctory "thanks" before walking away all embarrassed. Or being my cynical self, assume they are really just making fun of me in some subtle way, and I get annoyed.

I'm not sure if I actually do like to be complimented, or at least I don't really know how to accept one graciously!

I am really interested in how this topic evolves!

[Sharon1964 2,530]

Good:

You look awesome.

You look great.

Love your smile.

Bad:

You look awesome, how much weight have you lost.

You look great, have you lost weight.

Love your smile, you never used to smile.

To summarize: Keep it short, we know we've lost weight, you don't have to point it out.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I am interested in what the responses are.

No one in my immediate area knows I had surgery, so I don't have the backhanded compliment issue.

[VMS1990 30]

I don't mind them saying you look great, you look awesome. What I'm finding as family member that I have seen at Christmas. Then we had another get together just now.. First words out of their mouth. Is you look great but how are you feeling... Really!!! LI know they are commenting cause they care... but I do have other things to talk about.

[jj7481 363]

I'm still not telling the masses that I had surgery. Most people who work around me have noticed my (so far) almost 50 lb weight loss. I do enjoy hearing people saying how good I look and several people offering support like "keep up the good work."

Like stated above...I hate being asked "So, how much have you lost?" My mother is terrible about this as she continues asking several times a week like it falls off multiple pounds a day.

[Babbs 14,680]

I never get annoyed with compliments. Most people mean well. Even the "How much weight have you lost?" people. I'm proud to tell them, because I've worked damn hard to get here.

*Shrug*

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

My closest friend told me that he was proud of me, which was most appropriate and positive considering the importance of our friendship. He knew that I was investigating surgery and was supportive always; it was he who sprang me from the hospital. The simple "proud of you" also works for closest family. I think I'd find it intrusive (maybe even a tad judgmental?) coming from others.

@@Sharon1964's "Good" list is right on. Keep the compliments simple. Overdoing them could turn cloying or suffocating. If you're going to ask any questions, stick to the realm of "Where did you get those divine shoes?"

Edited January 25, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Context is everything.

So, I had worked with a sweet young lady ages ago but she took a promotion and moved cross country. We were at a big shinding for work at a big conference. It was for us mid level peons who had done good to smooze with the very upper echelon executives of our company, a small exclusive cocktail party. This was exactly one year after I hit goal, about ,4 months post plastics, I was still finding my emotional footing. Okay, we are mingling in a group of about 3_4 executives and she recognizes me by name, voice, and laugh. Mind you executives only know me from heading a very successful project.

She practically screams out "OMG, Jane you are like half your size. You look amazing"..on and on and on it went. I wasn't sure if she was gonna cry, continue screeching or what -everybody nearby stared.. Then of course one of the executives asks "how did you do it?" Or maybe he asked what motivated me to change my life. Last thing I wanted to do was talk about WLS! So I told the true story of how losing my youngest sis who was also my best friend , to breast cancer, caused me to 're-examine my life and shift my priorities. I talked about several dimensions of my changes , including my inner life and actually had a captive little audience for a bit so it turned out fine. I was impressed with one of the execs who actually talked to me about it seemed to be really relating in some way...the loss of someone I loved so deeply forcing change and inner truths to be examined etc.

She later apologized, in private. She was devastated that she embarrassed me like that, but I knew it was a heartfelt expression of shock and joy for me so I wasn't mad. She is a sweet woman who always treated me with utmost respect regardless of my size.

However, that kind of over the top public declaration of how much you have changed should probably be reserved for a paraplegic who now walks. Hell, that person might have been a bit overwhelmed too.

In general,I appreciate compliments. Words of affirmation is my main love language so I need to hear things from people and I especially enjoy genuine compliments from men about my appearance because I like dressing nice, having pretty hair and makeup etc and missed alot of that in my youth. I had a few funny of those at work too (remenber many people I only see once every few years as we work as virtual teams) that were pretty inappropriate,like "you're hot!" But again the context was genuine people who treated me great at any weight so the words felt good and in no way insulting.

I have been at goal awhile and those moments are rare now. That's ok too, I like feeling normal.

I don't like the implication that somehow because of my fitness/looks life should be easy for me. The whole, I can't believe you are still single vein of remarks for example.

[Mom26 313]

Good:

You look awesome.

You look great.

Love your smile.

Bad:

You look awesome, how much weight have you lost.

You look great, have you lost weight.

Love your smile, you never used to smile.

To summarize: Keep it short, we know we've lost weight, you don't have to point it out.

This. And another bad: Tell me your secret to how you lost so much weight. Um, NO.

[allenjf 16]

And another bad: Tell me your secret to how you lost so much weight. Um, NO.

When I lost a bunch on Atkins, I got to the point of saying "clean living and these pills I found in the couch" because of the judging.

[Daisee68 2,493]

I'm with @Babbs. I don't mind any of it! I have gotten the "I'm so proud of you" one too and I think I like that one. But it was said by a very close (old) friend and quietly, in my ear as she hugged me. I just saw my aunt and she said a simple "You really look great". My mom (who I see quite often) said "Can I ask how much you lost?" Heck yea! I can't quite believe it myself so saying it outloud makes it a little more real! (Still cannot get my head around the actual amount yet.) I saw another friend today who just said "wow you are tiny". Um no. Definitely not tiny but funny to hear.

The only time I have really been uncomfortable was the ones that are a little over the top and go on and on. (I have told everyone about the surgery so it's not that part. I am just uncomfortable in general with someone making too big of a fuss about anything.) Now I am going somewhere tomorrow where most people haven't seen me in years - and those that have it has been several months. I anticipate a lot of hoopla (I worked with these people for 14 years before my most recent job which was 8 years) so they really are like family - though long distance family. If comments tomorrow get weird or even anything new that I am comfortable with, I will report back.

Thanks for asking @@Inner Surfer Girl. I think it would be a great article!

[KristenVSG2014 1,872]

These are real, acceptable comments I've gotten:

Last week a male customer said, "You've lost a lot of weight. You look younger and happier!"

My male co-worker I've worked with for 10+ years said, "I just saw you walking across the lobby and didn't realize it was you because you look like a different person."

My mom said, "Wow. You look so tiny. You're smaller than me now!"

My female co-worker, "Look at that thigh gap! Your legs are so little!"

[jess9395 5,449]

I'm with @@Babbs I don't mind any of them, I appreciate it all! I've never felt anything was meant with other than the best intentions. I don't mind the "how much have you lost" part or anything at all!

[Xena7158 26]

Well the answer to that question, which is also the truth, is Portion Control and more exercise!

This. And another bad: Tell me your secret to how you lost so much weight. Um, NO.

Good:

You look awesome.

You look great.

Love your smile.

Bad:

You look awesome, how much weight have you lost.

You look great, have you lost weight.

Love your smile, you never used to smile.

To summarize: Keep it short, we know we've lost weight, you don't have to point it out.