Giving up

[Miss Mac 6,262]

I don't get it. What are all of these posts coming through this thread today that were not here yesterday? From Null. Height 3'0", weight 666, BMI 361.1 This is not the original poster's name.

[Jangy03253 56]

@ Miss Mac. Null has the same skype is as the original poster. He just changed his name.

[Jangy03253 56]

Well I wish him well on his journey either way but he needs to find himself before finding a companion.

[Babbs 14,681]

I missed it too, darnit! He just edited all his posts and his name because apparently he was embarrassed by what he was posting or didn't like the responses. I'll go with the latter.

You'll find that when someone starts off a post with a defeatist yet aggressive attitude (AKA passive aggressive), they usually aren't exactly open to constructive criticism, and will leave in a huff. I can spot the "you'd better feel sorry for me because I like playing the consummate victim" poster a mile away.

And it never ends well......

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Well, I missed all of this... but I did want to respond to a comment made about someone's 51 year old mother struggling with dating.

I am 51, I get very positive feedback on my looks, I have an outgoing (have even been called bubbly) personality. There is nothing shy about me at all.... but I have had a hard time finding the real deal myself. My point is that all looks and a ready smile do is get you that first date... but it is way more complicated to build a solid relationship with someone who has shared values, honesty, integrity, where there is chemistry and compatibility. I take responsibility for my contribution to the problem (have been exploring my inner resistance) but the part of it is that the online dating pool of 50something men - well - many of them have serious emotional and life issues, are seriously seriously out of shape and other attributes that do not attract me. I guess we are all a bit set in our ways and speaking for myself, are incredibly picky so you know....

It isn't easy. So, I enjoyed casually dating - and from that process actually made some friends/activity partners so that part was cool. I am tired of that, so I am taking a break for now because I want an actual relationship and so am spending time working on my internal obstacles. I am also becoming reconciled to the possibility of being single for the duration. It is by far the preferred option to being part of a bad relationship....

[Puppypaws57 137]

I think NULL is a fake poster. Notice his height is 3 and all his other info is 666. Didn't read the other posts, so if I missed something, I apologize.

[Chrystee 838]

Well, I missed all of this... but I did want to respond to a comment made about someone's 51 year old mother struggling with dating.

I am 51, I get very positive feedback on my looks, I have an outgoing (have even been called bubbly) personality. There is nothing shy about me at all.... but I have had a hard time finding the real deal myself. My point is that all looks and a ready smile do is get you that first date... but it is way more complicated to build a solid relationship with someone who has shared values, honesty, integrity, where there is chemistry and compatibility. I take responsibility for my contribution to the problem (have been exploring my inner resistance) but the part of it is that the online dating pool of 50something men - well - many of them have serious emotional and life issues, are seriously seriously out of shape and other attributes that do not attract me. I guess we are all a bit set in our ways and speaking for myself, are incredibly picky so you know....

It isn't easy. So, I enjoyed casually dating - and from that process actually made some friends/activity partners so that part was cool. I am tired of that, so I am taking a break for now because I want an actual relationship and so am spending time working on my internal obstacles. I am also becoming reconciled to the possibility of being single for the duration. It is by far the preferred option to being part of a bad relationship....

That was me! Yes, I try to understand.. my mom says the same thing.. 50+ age men have serious issues.. she also is very active and lost a lot of weight, and a lot of them men her age aren't interested in working out.. she doesn't want to be with someone who wants to only go out to eat all the time either, cause she doesn't want to gain weight back..

My Mom's problem (not really problem) is that she is looking for THE ONE, and gets SO emotionally invested when she finds a reasonably attractive guy who has a job, etc.. She also has some personality issues (that she is going to therapy for) but she isn't outgoing.. doesn't have a very positive attitude, etc.. She has no idea who to casually date around to find a guy worth it. But I get that its hard. I just feel so bad for her because it is depressing her.

[gowalking 10,790]

Well, I missed all of this... but I did want to respond to a comment made about someone's 51 year old mother struggling with dating.

I am 51, I get very positive feedback on my looks, I have an outgoing (have even been called bubbly) personality. There is nothing shy about me at all.... but I have had a hard time finding the real deal myself. My point is that all looks and a ready smile do is get you that first date... but it is way more complicated to build a solid relationship with someone who has shared values, honesty, integrity, where there is chemistry and compatibility. I take responsibility for my contribution to the problem (have been exploring my inner resistance) but the part of it is that the online dating pool of 50something men - well - many of them have serious emotional and life issues, are seriously seriously out of shape and other attributes that do not attract me. I guess we are all a bit set in our ways and speaking for myself, are incredibly picky so you know....

It isn't easy. So, I enjoyed casually dating - and from that process actually made some friends/activity partners so that part was cool. I am tired of that, so I am taking a break for now because I want an actual relationship and so am spending time working on my internal obstacles. I am also becoming reconciled to the possibility of being single for the duration. It is by far the preferred option to being part of a bad relationship....

That was me! Yes, I try to understand.. my mom says the same thing.. 50+ age men have serious issues.. she also is very active and lost a lot of weight, and a lot of them men her age aren't interested in working out.. she doesn't want to be with someone who wants to only go out to eat all the time either, cause she doesn't want to gain weight back..

My Mom's problem (not really problem) is that she is looking for THE ONE, and gets SO emotionally invested when she finds a reasonably attractive guy who has a job, etc.. She also has some personality issues (that she is going to therapy for) but she isn't outgoing.. doesn't have a very positive attitude, etc.. She has no idea who to casually date around to find a guy worth it. But I get that its hard. I just feel so bad for her because it is depressing her.

I'm 57 and spent the last 20 years focusing on myself, my family, and my friends. When I decided to jump back into the dating pool, I made sure I didn't look for the ONE, or look for someone to complete me. When you do that, if you don't find someone, yes...depression and feelings of unworthiness can set in. Your mom has to value herself more than anything or anyone else. Then, and only then, can she find someone who compliments her...and not 'completes' her...which is a dumb movie quote anyway...and not real life.

PS: I am currently with someone I met five months ago who is fitting that bill just as I had hoped. I enjoy his company immensely but if things don't work between us, I'll cry (maybe) and get back up and go on because I still have a great and full life. That's what mom has to realize.

[Chrystee 838]

Well, I missed all of this... but I did want to respond to a comment made about someone's 51 year old mother struggling with dating.

I am 51, I get very positive feedback on my looks, I have an outgoing (have even been called bubbly) personality. There is nothing shy about me at all.... but I have had a hard time finding the real deal myself. My point is that all looks and a ready smile do is get you that first date... but it is way more complicated to build a solid relationship with someone who has shared values, honesty, integrity, where there is chemistry and compatibility. I take responsibility for my contribution to the problem (have been exploring my inner resistance) but the part of it is that the online dating pool of 50something men - well - many of them have serious emotional and life issues, are seriously seriously out of shape and other attributes that do not attract me. I guess we are all a bit set in our ways and speaking for myself, are incredibly picky so you know....

It isn't easy. So, I enjoyed casually dating - and from that process actually made some friends/activity partners so that part was cool. I am tired of that, so I am taking a break for now because I want an actual relationship and so am spending time working on my internal obstacles. I am also becoming reconciled to the possibility of being single for the duration. It is by far the preferred option to being part of a bad relationship....

That was me! Yes, I try to understand.. my mom says the same thing.. 50+ age men have serious issues.. she also is very active and lost a lot of weight, and a lot of them men her age aren't interested in working out.. she doesn't want to be with someone who wants to only go out to eat all the time either, cause she doesn't want to gain weight back..

My Mom's problem (not really problem) is that she is looking for THE ONE, and gets SO emotionally invested when she finds a reasonably attractive guy who has a job, etc.. She also has some personality issues (that she is going to therapy for) but she isn't outgoing.. doesn't have a very positive attitude, etc.. She has no idea who to casually date around to find a guy worth it. But I get that its hard. I just feel so bad for her because it is depressing her.

I'm 57 and spent the last 20 years focusing on myself, my family, and my friends. When I decided to jump back into the dating pool, I made sure I didn't look for the ONE, or look for someone to complete me. When you do that, if you don't find someone, yes...depression and feelings of unworthiness can set in. Your mom has to value herself more than anything or anyone else. Then, and only then, can she find someone who compliments her...and not 'completes' her...which is a dumb movie quote anyway...and not real life.

PS: I am currently with someone I met five months ago who is fitting that bill just as I had hoped. I enjoy his company immensely but if things don't work between us, I'll cry (maybe) and get back up and go on because I still have a great and full life. That's what mom has to realize.

That's the biggest issue. She has 0 self esteem. She thinks she needs big boobs and needs to be younger to attract a man.. I can't help her with that.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Lets be real - age is an issue. AS a general rule, a 50 year old guy who has his act together - financially secure, fit and good looking has his pick of 35 year olds. It is how it works. Not all of them WANT that and I have certainly met men who prefer someone who is at their same stage in life.

I got a phone call awhile ago from someone i casually dated quite awhile ago. He is about 5 years younger than me, but heading for early retirement, kids out of the house etc. His first career was as a professional athlete so he had a slight headstart on the financial part of retirement.... He and I dated when i was in the "learning how to date" phase newly single and relatively newly slim.

He moved away, we parted on great terms etc. anyway, I hadn't talked to him in over a year when he called and he started telling me about the "younger" women he had dated since we parted. I was like - okay okay, I don't really need to hear this. He was like "no, my point is that I should have really pursued things with YOU Jane. These women are all great, but they are not in the same phase of life - I don't want little kids again, I don't want to compete with or interfere with somebody's career aspirations, etc." He said more, but the point of it is that he had lots of choices and is realizing that someone closer to retirement etc is a better fit for him.

[ Side note - Recently, he came to town for a job exploration/interview recently and we had a little coffee meeting. He told me i look even better and in particular younger than he remembered me. I thought it is either my new moisturizer - ha! - or the fact that I am 8-10# heavier than last time he saw me and I think my face looks a bit fuller at this weight. I don't think he is taking the job up here, if he were I would seriously consider seeing him again.]

You can't change your age, you can just be the best most genuine person you can in your age.

You can change your looks, but all that gets you is the initial interest - it doesn't get you a relationship.

There are alot of people in crappy, unhappy relationships - those come pretty easy, the real challenge is building a life you love whether single or coupled. I miss the intimacy (both physical and emotional) but otherwise, I am pretty good in the single life I am continually building and living and enjoying.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

I sure feel like giving up. I wish I could give up and be happy single. I'm not though. I get really tired of being alone the majority of the time.

Jane is right. 50 year old guys have their pick of women from 35 on up. Their main problem is that they begin to experience erectile dysfunction at 50 and some 35 year old is not going to be happy with that.

I've got another coffee date next week with a guy that ok cupid says is an 80 % match. My problem may just be I am not willing to give anyone a chance if their is not immediate chemistry. This guy's picture does absolutely nothing for me, but he's probably a very nice man. We shall see.

[gowalking 10,790]

I sure feel like giving up. I wish I could give up and be happy single. I'm not though. I get really tired of being alone the majority of the time.

Jane is right. 50 year old guys have their pick of women from 35 on up. Their main problem is that they begin to experience erectile dysfunction at 50 and some 35 year old is not going to be happy with that.

I've got another coffee date next week with a guy that ok cupid says is an 80 % match. My problem may just be I am not willing to give anyone a chance if their is not immediate chemistry. This guy's picture does absolutely nothing for me, but he's probably a very nice man. We shall see.

Bingo on the erectile dysfunction @Oregondaisy. My second husband had issues and he was in his 40's. The two men I was semi-serious with while on the dating sites both had this issue. One of them is my steady guy now. I've learned to let it go. He can still make love..though it's not like he was a young man...and I'm OK with it because he is a very generous and thoughtful lover in other ways. He makes me feel good and satisfies me with things other than his penis. Most important...really...is that we enjoy each other's company. He rubs my feet when we sit and watch TV..he hold me in his arms at night, he's a companion with benefits. I'll take it any day of the week.

Don't look for the instant chemistry. See if you click when you talk. See if you are interested in him and what he says. I went back and forth for a while because I didn't have the 'hots' for my guy. But I didn't tell him to go away either because I really enjoyed his company. We are learning to be compatible physically but the companionship is what really counts in my mind. I know it's not for everyone but priorities change as you age and at 57, some things are not as important as when I was in my 20's and 30's.