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Maybe I should not have surgery?



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I skimmed through the last page, but I have to say something to you, and I really, really need you to hear this and think long and hard about your future with this man you married.

You do not have just an inlaw problem. You mainly have a husband problem, and that has allowed the inlaw problem to develop and the grow out of control. No man who loves his wife would let the rest of his family treat her the way he is allowing them to treat you. He would have slapped them down faster than fast and told them in no uncertain terms to treat you with courtesy and respect or he would cut them out of his life. There is no way this man is treating you the way you should be treated. He is a coward and spineless or just plain lazy and self centered... none of which are admirable traits to have, and mean that you will spend the rest of your married life feeling like you don't matter to this man since he can't stand up for you and give you the love and respect you deserve.

I had husband/inlaw problems in my early days, and I had a spineless husband that allowed that crap to happen. I could stand up for myself until the cows came home but ultimately, without him finally locating his spine and tell off his mother and laying down the law about how things were going to be... well, I'd have left otherwise.

You deserve to have a loving relationship where your husband protects and looks out for you, just like you should do the same for him. Ignoring the issues or saying it's not his problem is a horrible cowardly and lazy and HURTFUL thing to do. It is no wonder you're feeling lost and unsupported... because YOU ARE. How you can say you are in a loving relationship - sure, you say you love him but what does he do show he loves you just as much? It is all made up fantasy land stuff unless and until he stops letting his own family treat his wife like a doormat. A true marriage is not lopsided like yours appears to be - there is mutual respect and love and support. You seem like you give all and get nothing. Why is that?

You deserve so much more than this. Keep talking with your counselor, but it might be time to really examine what you're getting from this relationship if he can't even support you and show you are loved and cared for.

Edited by FrankiesGirl

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I skimmed through the last page, but I have to say something to you, and I really, really need you to hear this and think long and hard about your future with this man you married.

You do not have just an inlaw problem. You mainly have a husband problem, and that has allowed the inlaw problem to develop and the grow out of control. No man who loves his wife would let the rest of his family treat her the way he is allowing them to treat you. He would have slapped them down faster than fast and told them in no uncertain terms to treat you with courtesy and respect or he would cut them out of his life. There is no way this man is treating you the way you should be treated. He is a coward and spineless or just plain lazy and self centered... none of which are admirable traits to have, and mean that you will spend the rest of your married life feeling like you don't matter to this man since he can't stand up for you and give you the love and respect you deserve.

I had husband/inlaw problems in my early days, and I had a spineless husband that allowed that crap to happen. I could stand up for myself until the cows came home but ultimately, without him finally locating his spine and tell off his mother and laying down the law about how things were going to be... well, I'd have left otherwise.

You deserve to have a loving relationship where your husband protects and looks out for you, just like you should do the same for him. Ignoring the issues or saying it's not his problem is a horrible cowardly and lazy and HURTFUL thing to do. It is no wonder you're feeling lost and unsupported... because YOU ARE. How you can say you are in a loving relationship - sure, you say you love him but what does he do show he loves you just as much? It is all made up fantasy land stuff unless and until he stops letting his own family treat his wife like a doormat. A true marriage is not lopsided like yours appears to be - there is mutual respect and love and support. You seem like you give all and get nothing. Why is that?

You deserve so much more than this. Keep talking with your counselor, but it might be time to really examine what you're getting from this relationship if he can't even support you and show you are loved and cared for.

Couldn't have put it better!

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You absolutely need to go meet a therapist and take your husband with you. A good therapist will help both of you see the unhealthy side of this family.

If your husband does not want to go, you have your answer about his commitment to your marriage. Not very good.

He should stick up for you and tell these sick women to leave you alone and not contact either one of you until they apologize and change their behaviour.

This absolutely cannot be tolerated anymore.

Go and have your surgery, its for YOU, nobody else! My husband and daughter know about my RNY and nobody else in the family.

Many years ago, my husband sister treated me the way you mentionned. I talked to her and told her she was a miserable OLD WOMAN, and to NEVER EVER contact me or my husband or children until she has sincerely appologized and changed her attitude! It took 12 years and even then the appology was very vague.....but at least, now she does not dare insult me and she is very careful.

I had a therapist through all this. My therapist told me that when you chose to continue communicating with people like that, you have to accept to deal with what they say!!! So I cut her OFF. Cut off my brother and father for a while as well, they came back after 8 years apologizing tearfully. Now, the relationship is different, but they respect me and everything is open and clear, on the table.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but I still think ...go for the surgery, hopefully your husband will support you, and hurry up in therapy ...

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Why are you still talking to these people or sharing your private information with them?

They are your husband's family. He can go to their house to visit without you. They can call him on his cell and he can take the call out of the room. When the subject of you comes up, your husband can just say "Jangy sends her regards" and then drop it like a hot rock. Switch the subject. They bring you up again, he now "has to go".

It's like dog training. It takes a few times, but people get the picture if you are consistent.

There is no law that says you have to interact with them. The drama trolley runs both ways. Stop participating, don't feed into it. Don't even think about it. They don't exist as far as you are concerned.

It actually has nothing to do with you. If you evaporated 10 minutes from now, they would find someone/something else to harp on. If you do the above, the focus will eventually get off you.

Don't use other people as an excuse for you not living or having the life you want. You are married to your husband, not these other people. You don't need anyone else's support or permission to make lifestyle changes or to go ahead with surgery.

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I think we've scared Jangy off. Poor girl....just not ready to hear all of this I suspect. I hope I'm wrong..... :(

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No, I am not scared away. Sorry, I have had my grandbaby all week again and its hard to get on the computer when I have her. I have read all and thank you all for the input.. I go again today to therapy. Although I am not hopeful to get my husband into therapy. Spoke to my husbands cousin the other day.. She made a comment about more drama in the family. I asked her what is up with all the bickering and fighting and drama within the family? She stated they like it. This is what they do.. I am like really? So I guess they want to keep it going to make others just as unhappy as they are?? This is very sad of a family. Just hope my husband changes his way. He keeps saying he knows how they are but thats it. He did help me block my mother in law from contacting my cell phone. And, my house phone I cut it off. So, there is no way she can contact me without coming here. I am waiting on insurance to respond on my surgery.. Then hope the doctors office can get me into this year. If not I am just not sure what I will be able to do. :(

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Tell your doctor's office why it MUST be this year. If they cannot accommodate you, find a surgeon who will. You've done all the insurance requirements, that won't have to be redone just because you switch surgeons.

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IMO, you need to do the surgery. Screw them. You don't need their permission and no matter what you do, it obviously isn't going to make a difference in how THEY see you or how THEY treat you, but will make a HUGE difference in how YOU see you and treat you. You aren't doing this for anyone else besides yourself. You can do this. If you are and have been strong enough to put up with verbal abuse for 5 years, you are more than strong to take care of what needs taken care of. I think you'll do great. Put your energy and time into this....not them. And if your husband can't stand up for you, then you don't need this for him either.

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Sometimes when you really need something, you have to commit yourself to making sure it happens. I'd be calling the scheduler and whoever else you can think of to speak with and tell them about your situation. Tell them why it MUST be this year. This is your LIFE on the line. This surgery is about preventing disability and an early death. After that, call those people every few days for an update. At the same time, I'd be looking at alternative programs. You've already completed the requirements. You won't have to repeat them to go with another surgeon.

Concerning these toxic people in your life, you also have to take the bull by the horns and draw some serious boundaries. Blocking the MIL from calling was a great first step! Now make sure your husband knows she's not welcome in your home or in your presence. He shouldn't even speak about her to you. If she shows up, call the cops. Get a restraining order. Same with all the other toxic family members. There is NO reason you have to interact with people who verbally abuse you, EVER. If your husband won't get in line and back you up, I'd leave him. Maybe you should return to your own family and make a fresh start!

Edited by gpmed

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I'm confused.. which baby needs care while you are recovering? Your grandbaby or your baby? If its just your grandbaby, can't their parent find alternate care for a week or two?

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You might want to take your hubby to therapy too, because if his family has treated you like this for 5 long years, can you imagine what he had to grow up with !? Id hazard a guess that he's a victim of emotional abuse from very early childhood , and his sister too because of their mother !! (Abused herself ? I think so !) If he learned to ignore the abuse to survive, and just shuts down as a coping mechanism, you CAN'T make him defend you, because he never learned how !! This problem goes waaaaayyyyy beyond his capabilities, but a good family therapist could teach him the right and best ways to move forward, and how to support you and have a strong , healthy marriage with appropriate boundaries. The mom is probably a lost cause, the sister knows nothing different, so since its the only way she's ever seen a situation handled, she has no knowledge /insight into anything better . Get your surgery for yourself, but just as importantly, get some therapy for BOTH of you for a healthy lifestyle and marriage !! Good luck ! (Its amazing what you learn as a foster parent.............. )

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I have not been able to respond lately. I have turned off my internet for right now. And I was unable to sign on with my phone. But I have great news. I got a cOo last night with authorization for surgery. It did not take the insurance 15 business days it took 3. The lower of prayer is good. Now o. The k yes about a surgery date this year. Waiting for doctors call now.

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Hope yall can make that post out auto correct on phones and tablets stink.

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IMHO, counseling for both your husband and yourself is probably needed.

He may have been beaten down for his whole life that he accepts this behavior from his family.

Both of you need to talk to them and let them know that you love them and want to have a relationship with them, but you will no longer accept this type of behavior. Then distance yourself from them if it continues, they are like cancer to your mental and physical health.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED!

As far as being "hit" is concerned, that is a chargeable offense.

I hope this is resolve quickly for the well being of both of you.

Good luck and stay strong, you deserve happiness.

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I have not been able to respond lately. I have turned off my internet for right now. And I was unable to sign on with my phone. But I have great news. I got a cOo last night with authorization for surgery. It did not take the insurance 15 business days it took 3. The lower of prayer is good. Now o. The k yes about a surgery date this year. Waiting for doctors call now.

Wonderful news. Keep us posted.

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