I'm 30 years old and I never really dated. I haven't had weight loss surgery, I'm trying to lose weight on my own without surgery and doing well. I've went from 470 to 430 in about two months. I'm not ready to meet women yet as I wanted to be under 300 before I do that. I'm not sure how to do it. I've always avoided socializing but I feel a big reason I gained so much weight was due to loneliness. I created an online account but didn't add any information or pictures, just wanted to look. I see a lot of women I am interested in but I have no idea how to introduce myself or what I should say. If it progresses to a date I have no idea what to do or where to go on a date. I don't know when I should kiss a woman or request a second date. I feel like I shouldn't need to be figuring this out at 30. This seems like something I should have learned in high school. Is there like a tutorial for this? I feel like it just gets harder to find someone after 30 and throw in the fact I have virtually no dating experience.

Match and Eharmony seem to be the best. They do have pay features but they also have free trials.

unfortunately the site I met my husband on no longer exists so I can't recommend that one

There are also dating sites specific to different hobbies but you would have to google those

I found a picture of myself when I weighed 250 pounds. I guess I can show people what the finished product will look like.

Post a current picture. This way, no surprises if/when you meet up with someone. Believe me...it's the better way to go. As far as dating sites...for whatever reason, I did very well on Zoosk. Better than Plenty of Fish and even JDate.

Had two nice relationships with men I met on that site and the current beau, who may just be exactly who I've been looking for, was also on Zoosk.

I was going to post a current picture. That was more in jest. Maybe if I get to know someone well enough I will reveal to them what I used to look like and what I'm currently working to get to. I'm just going to put in my profile my weight loss goals instead of hiding it. I'm sure there are women who are trying to lose weight and apprehensive about exposing themselves online. It almost feels like I'm encountering a wild animal. She's just as afraid of you as you are of her.

I don't live in the safest area so site like Plenty of Fish just turn into prostitution rings.

Post a current picture. This way, no surprises if/when you meet up with someone. Believe me...it's the better way to go. As far as dating sites...for whatever reason, I did very well on Zoosk. Better than Plenty of Fish and even JDate.

Had two nice relationships with men I met on that site and the current beau, who may just be exactly who I've been looking for, was also on Zoosk.

Edited September 20, 201510 yr by sgc

oh wow... OK then...stay off POF. And I agree that sites you pay for usually have a better quality of potential partners. In this case, if someone is ready to spend money, they are usually more serious.

Match has more women than men... I did better elsewhere but for a man I think match is a great place to start.

Thank you to the people who have responded. When I started this thread I didn't think I would be creating my profile now.

I've poked around Match and seen I few women I would like to talk to. I did a reverse search and pretended I was woman seeking a man to get a feel for how guys present themselves. There definitely seemed to be more women than men. There were also a few men my size so I'm not the only one.

I'm working on creating my profile and thinking I should just come right out and acknowledge my weight and that I am losing weight. Part of why I want to meet someone is to work with me while I lose weight. Would that being appealing to women?

I took my picture and now I'm getting cold feet. Still thinking I may wait on this.

Edited September 20, 201510 yr by sgc

@@sgc

So do you mean you want to find someone who wants to lose weight, as well, and have you two lose together? That, actually, is a great idea! An instant commonality. And understanding. No cold feet with that!!! Go for it!

@@sgc Although my situation was different, there were some similarities. I married at 22 the wrong person because I was inexperienced and had very little self-esteem, and she was the first person who showed real intimate interest in me. She emotionally abused me for many years. After our divorce, I spent a few years in therapy trying to work out what I actually wanted. I was terrified of trying to date at 35 years old.

Then, I tried eHarmony. It was wonderful, because it is very structured. You take a very detailed online personality test, then create a profile with your picture, first name only, and your interests.. Every day, eHarmony searches for possible matches for you based on your personality, and displays their profile. You look at the profile, and if you are interested in someone, you indicate it. They are then notified you are interested. If they are interested too, then it goes to the next stage.

There are about four stages, starting with each of you picking a few "canned" multiple-choice questions that the other person will be asked to answer, to creating your own questions, to sharing your 10 "must-haves" and "can't-stands", and finally to an email-like open communication system. At any point in this progression, you or the other person can decide they aren't interested, and all communication is blocked. After a while in open communication, if you feel comfortable with the other person you can provide them with your actual contact information, and hopefully eventually setup a date.

This rigid structure made me feel very comfortable. By the time you get to open communication, you already know a lot about the other person, and their interests and attitudes. You have things to talk about and share. And when eventually you do come to a first date, you don't feel like you are fumbling around for things to talk about.

I ended up meeting my current wife on eHarmony, and we have now been happily married for 11 years with a 9-year-old daughter. Both my wife and I were terrified of dating, and this seemed much less intimidating than the other dating sites.

In any case, this sounds like an advertisement for eHarmony, but it really worked for me. If you are looking for a real and lasting relationship, and not just a fling, eHarmony would be a great place to try.

All of that said, you need to be sure you know yourself well, as others have said. Therapy works wonders with that. You have to come to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you.

I have created a profile on eHarmony and seem to like that one the best. I already got a woman exchanging questionnaires with me. I haven't uploaded my picture yet so that will end all communication. She's also kind of far from me anyways.

@@sgc I would not talk about plans to change in profile. 1) there are those who will sabotage the effort (some women like fat guys because they are less likely to attract rivals, I'm not kidding, read Why Women have Sex). 2) women care initially about where you are now and what you have done, they will care about the future plans later.

@@CowgirlJane is dead on right about the male/female ratio on Match.com. I think you might benefit from doing eHarmony. They have a guided intro process and following their script is helpful to those new to online dating.

BTW the age of women you want to attract is important. i found that women in their late 40's start getting very interested in how healthy a guy is because they don't want to date a heart attack waiting to happen.

good luck

All of that said, you need to be sure you know yourself well, as others have said. Therapy works wonders with that. You have to come to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you.

Amen to this!! I am positive that my being happy with myself and my life is the reason why I didn't get with someone needy and clingy. I know I was needy when I married the second husband. Not surprising, he was even more needy than me and eventually I had to get away from him.

I didn't dare go online to look for a possible significant other till I was in therapy for more than a year to work on me and my issues first.

@@sgc

Why don't you let HER decide, when she sees your picture? If you don't put anything into it, nothing will come out of it. Most people start serious relationships as friends, because down the road, after all the physical stuff starts to wane (it's called old age!!!), there has to be something more.

Companionship is EVERYTHING, all else eventually fades. That is why it is important to remember that physical beauty is only temporary. Look at the elderly couples out there....still holding hands, still together even though there are many things about them that aren't so attractive anymore (at least as perceived). They love each other for who they are, and THAT is what it REALLY is all about....

I asked for a man who was funny (he is). He could've been bald (he is), chubby (he was), wears glasses (he does), could be a cop (he is), as long as he FIT me (he does!!!). AND he was born nine months (to the day!!!) younger than I, so I KNOW he was made for me! I didn't care if he was handsome, slim, perfect in everyway, and he isn't....to the casual onlooker. But for me he is perfect. And we will see it through to the end (he has cancer).

When YOU figure out what is important, so will she, and there she will be! God Bless you in your journey!

I think different people are looking for different things. I would NOT be interested in someone to join him in transforming his life. I am perhaps jaded, but I want to know what I am getting into and a person in the middle of big changes might come out the other side a bit different. I will take it a step further, alot of people aren't who they say they are anyway. I don't think it is malicious lying but rather lack of true self examination.

I have not tried eharmony. I think when I am ready to try to meet someone again I will give it a go - I am sick of dating and actually want a serious relationship. In the meantime, I am going back to what I used to do - I am a member of a social group that listens to music, goes dancing etc where I don't feel awkward not having a "date".