I wonder if this is why I don't like online dating

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I took down my profile etc - not currently doing the online thing. I have reflected on why i feel so jaded (or whatever) about it and I think it boils down to a couple of things. It takes me a long time to warm up to a person in the sense of feeling true attachment, stirrings of "love" etc. I am very outgoing/social so I am comfortable with people from the beginning, but I am talking about that feeling of being invested. What made sense to me was to casually date, likely more than one person at a time, slowly getting to know them until those feelings start to emerge. I think that is how it used to be done pre internet? I dunno, I spent most of my life as part of couple so surely not the expert on dating of any era.

Anyway, what i have found is that most relationship oriented/seeking people want you to focus on them, "give it a chance" exclusesively. I can see their point, and I have tried that a couple of times with the typical it lasts 3-4 months results. I have talked to enough others who have been single for awhile that it is very common for them to rotate through "girlfriends" or "boyfriends" in about that time frame. Long enough the newness wears off but before either is committed to working through differences.

When I tried the strategy of "just dating" I generally encountered men who were not very relationship focused and when our situation didn't turn physical right away, they tended to disappear.

I think some women really get into the being "wined and dined" or the excitement of someone new. I tried to convince myself that was fun, but really it often felt like work. I have more fun going dancing, hanging with friends and family, going riding, going hiking etc. I have been asking myself if i felt the need to be charming and entertaining (not even because i wanted a second date but just because!) and that is what felt like work? More likely it is that feeling of being interviewed, observed, watched for signs of "show stoppers" - it is like the culture of online dating is REALLY FAST I NEED TO FIND OUT IF YOU ARE ACCEPTABLE. The other experience I have is the feeling like "oh good you look like your pictures, lets go!" as though there is no real interest in me as a person. I get all that, and I probably do the exact same thing, but I hate it and am tired of it.

So, at least for now, i have decided I am not suited for this online thing. I now meet lots of men in real life that are interested in me (okay, I haven't met any that i am interested in, but it is a start!). I am just gonna keep doing the things in life that I do and just set this aside for now.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

You have my blessing to date a pair and a spare.

[gowalking 10,790]

I took down my profile etc - not currently doing the online thing. I have reflected on why i feel so jaded (or whatever) about it and I think it boils down to a couple of things. It takes me a long time to warm up to a person in the sense of feeling true attachment, stirrings of "love" etc. I am very outgoing/social so I am comfortable with people from the beginning, but I am talking about that feeling of being invested. What made sense to me was to casually date, likely more than one person at a time, slowly getting to know them until those feelings start to emerge. I think that is how it used to be done pre internet? I dunno, I spent most of my life as part of couple so surely not the expert on dating of any era.

Anyway, what i have found is that most relationship oriented/seeking people want you to focus on them, "give it a chance" exclusesively. I can see their point, and I have tried that a couple of times with the typical it lasts 3-4 months results. I have talked to enough others who have been single for awhile that it is very common for them to rotate through "girlfriends" or "boyfriends" in about that time frame. Long enough the newness wears off but before either is committed to working through differences.

When I tried the strategy of "just dating" I generally encountered men who were not very relationship focused and when our situation didn't turn physical right away, they tended to disappear.

I think some women really get into the being "wined and dined" or the excitement of someone new. I tried to convince myself that was fun, but really it often felt like work. I have more fun going dancing, hanging with friends and family, going riding, going hiking etc. I have been asking myself if i felt the need to be charming and entertaining (not even because i wanted a second date but just because!) and that is what felt like work? More likely it is that feeling of being interviewed, observed, watched for signs of "show stoppers" - it is like the culture of online dating is REALLY FAST I NEED TO FIND OUT IF YOU ARE ACCEPTABLE. The other experience I have is the feeling like "oh good you look like your pictures, lets go!" as though there is no real interest in me as a person. I get all that, and I probably do the exact same thing, but I hate it and am tired of it.

So, at least for now, i have decided I am not suited for this online thing. I now meet lots of men in real life that are interested in me (okay, I haven't met any that i am interested in, but it is a start!). I am just gonna keep doing the things in life that I do and just set this aside for now.

you bet your sweet bippy it's work. I tried casual dating as well and it's not for me. I am trying to make sure I am liking the man I'm now exclusive with instead of being 'in love' with 'being in love' if you get my drift. So far, we have alot in common and I enjoy his company. There's also stuff we do not have in common and I plan on trying new things, but not doing things I don't enjoy. I'm too old and jaded for that. So far, it's working but had I not met this guy, I might be right behind you when it comes to the online dating. It's not fun...the idea is to get through as many crappy or boring dates as possible in the hopes of finding a gem among the rocks and debris.

Sounds like your plan will work for you so I think you should do what feels right and the hell with everything else.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Am I the only person who's made a profile of what they would like in a mate? It started as a joke, while doing profiles of what we were looking for in job candidates in some new positions we were creating. And then I thought about it, talked to my therapist who suggested the book Mapping the Terrain of the Heart (very great book BTW).

So while you might think the average guys profile would be about hair and breasts, it's mostly about communication styles. How supportive, where we should work together and apart, how much time I need to myself, how much time I want to be together etc.

And then I made a list of values I hold sacred, and values I am negotiable on.

The value of this is:

1) I gave myself permission to be happy and hold out for a person I need

2) I have a standard that I can refer to as I get to know a person and see if this is someone I can commit to long term.

I look at dating as a fun process of completing this search. And I do have a bunch of fun on this Quest. This was not an easy list, it actually took me over a year to put it together, but writing it down and not having muddled impressions was a valuable exercise.

Edited August 24, 2015 by OKCPirate

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Profile isnt my problem, get plenty of dates... just thinking my head is isn't into it all right now. I sincerely want a relationship but don't really want to date. It was fun for awhile but it just isn't right now... and often feels like a waste of my precious time. I hope I find a way forward at some point.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane - "profile?" I wasn't referring to my online dating profile, I was speaking about a description of what I want in an ideal mate.

Keep your fingers crossed, I think I met her yesterday. I was looking at my "ideal mate description" yesterday as I was posting and then had the greatest coffee date/"meet and greet" ever. Can't wait to see her for lunch in 2 hours and 22 minutes, but who's counting.

[Lelly 20]

@@OKCPirate I did the list or profile of my mate years ago. I had 20 things/interests and 5 no-goes. I think I was like 15 when I made it up, but it stuck with me. I wasn't even looking for my spouse when boom out of no where he strolls into me (literally). I at the time had a bunch of books I was going to donate to the library and low and behold that stupid list was in there and flew out to land on his boots. I didn't think anything of it at the time other than please don't let that cute man read that teenage fluff (once I realized once it was). To my dismay he did read it, and then proceeded to check off the stuff on the list that matched up with him! (the nerve of this cute guy!) he put his number on the bottom, and walked away....

the next day he called me (he got my number from my best friend--never forgave her either lol). We got married less than 6 months later. He was 17 out of 20 on my list. I guess no one is perfect.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say with my story is @@CowgirlJane don't try so hard. Love will find you (sometimes at embarrassing times) when you least expect it.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I am clearly not an effective communicator. I have not been trying hard. I became one of those flakes we all hate. Like, i had a profile but didn't respond to emails, met very few people and then even when i liked someone generally didn't follow through with a second date (or even returning their messages which is rude and i hate that i have done that). I am just tired of it and need a break from the entire topic. I posted about mr hair puller, even though I convinced myself to give him another try, I didn't.

One thing that I think many people don't realize is that middle aged women have a very hard time meeting age appropriate men who are interested in serious relationships. It doesn't mean it isn't possible - but there are a lot of mid life crisis - finding wings going on out there in this age range. In general, I hit it off with men a decade older than me (they just seem less nuts as a population - ha!) but that comes with it's own set of things to think about at this age.

I have made a couple of friends through this online dating thing - actually one of my dearest friends I met 2 years ago on POF. We never dated, but just hit it off and I coached him through the process of attracting his current girlfriend who is a great match for him!

anyway, I am quite fine with my dance lessons, hosting and attending gatherings of friends and family, my horses, my live music, my festivals and wine tastings etc. Like I said, I would like a special someone in my life, but this thing called dating has lost its allure, at least for now.

[jess9395 5,450]

@@OKCPirate I did the list or profile of my mate years ago. I had 20 things/interests and 5 no-goes. I think I was like 15 when I made it up, but it stuck with me. I wasn't even looking for my spouse when boom out of no where he strolls into me (literally). I at the time had a bunch of books I was going to donate to the library and low and behold that stupid list was in there and flew out to land on his boots. I didn't think anything of it at the time other than please don't let that cute man read that teenage fluff (once I realized once it was). To my dismay he did read it, and then proceeded to check off the stuff on the list that matched up with him! (the nerve of this cute guy!) he put his number on the bottom, and walked away....

the next day he called me (he got my number from my best friend--never forgave her either lol). We got married less than 6 months later. He was 17 out of 20 on my list. I guess no one is perfect.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say with my story is @@CowgirlJane don't try so hard. Love will find you (sometimes at embarrassing times) when you least expect it.

Omg! Sounds like a movie! So adorable!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I agree, CGJ -- time to take a break. Finding love shouldn't feel like a job.

Lelly, that really is a great story!

OKC, you sound pretty excited.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@VSGAnn2014 - OMG yes. First woman in my life I want to introduce to my 16 year old daughter. To me that is BIG. (cute story, we didn't tell each other but we both closed our Match.com profiles at the same time after lunch). Told all the women I have been dating "I'm off the market." Yes, its that serious.

[Lelly 20]

@@VSGAnn2014 - OMG yes. First woman in my life I want to introduce to my 16 year old daughter. To me that is BIG. (cute story, we didn't tell each other but we both closed our Match.com profiles at the same time after lunch). Told all the women I have been dating "I'm off the market." Yes, its that serious.

that's great! off the market and a downed profile, sounds serious and wonderful. best of luck

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane - has a little instant karma at dinner Friday. The woman (whom I am forsaking all others for) and I received our fortune Cookies, and this was mine. NOTE those are her nails

So never give up hope, who knows when something great just shows up.

[gowalking 10,790]

@@CowgirlJane - has a little instant karma at dinner Friday. The woman (whom I am forsaking all others for) and I received our fortune Cookies, and this was mine. NOTE those are her nails

So never give up hope, who knows when something great just shows up.

Now that would seal the deal for me!!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I hope that your instant connection really turns into something wonderful. Nothing beats that - finding someone you want in your life and that has compatibility and she wants the same thing!

I had an instant connection with someone who is a great guy. Little did i know that I had met someone heading for an emotional crash. He seemed very stable and "had it together" - but in truth he did not - in a pretty deep way - but he had mastered hiding it from himself and others. That relationship never became physical or anything, but I was beginning to become attached and thought we had a chance of being together. I think that probably bothered me alot and has made me considerably more gunshy about "falling for" someone that I feel a strong initial interest and connection with...