I feel so alone

[lisa0617 54]

I went out to eat with my brother in law tonight and after speaking with him I feel so confusef and have no one on my side. He basically relaid to me how my husband was feeling about my decision and he thinks I am insane. He told me how its in my mind and I t won't change anything. I still won't be happy. My husband loves me the way I am and I should j6st be happy. I feel betrayed how could my husband speak to him about this? What do I do?

[lexiemia 78]

I say you do what you need to do for you. Some time spouses are afraid of how things will be when we lose weight. It's a security thing. Once he sees the changes for the better in you he will come around. Some times it's also a fear that they may lose you during the surgery. This will be my second surgery. I had lap band in 2004. Hubby was supportive. When we went last week for my pre op appointment I was shocked when he asked the nurse how many patients this surgeon had lost. I guess that was in the back of his mind and he needed the comfort of knowing. Thank heavens she told him none.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Clearly, there's a lot we don't know from your short post above.

But I don't fault your husband for talking to his own brother about his feelings. We all have feelings, and talking about them is usually a good thing.

However, it also seems that you and your husband have more communicating to do about this.

But at the end of the day, your husband may not wind up feeling the same way you do about WLS. Your overweight is your problem, not his. Therefore, you understand the issues around that better than anyone else ever could.

What's important is that YOU make the decisions about your health and your happiness that are right for YOU. This is YOUR decision to make. You can't look to anyone else, including your spouse, to make that decision for you.

Thereafter, YOU will have to make the day-to-day behavioral decisions that determine if you'll be successful with WLS.

And then there's this: You said your brother-in-law revealed that your husband thinks you "... still won't be happy." What's that about? Have you *always* been unhappy, or is your unhappiness a relatively new condition for you?

On the one hand, our moods and attitudes are affected by our health and weight. Yes, it's hard to be happy-happy when we are unhealthy, immobile, and just feel like crap. And in turn, our moods and attitudes DO play a big part in our ability to be successful with WLS. But "happiness" is also something that's to some degree innate within us. Generally unhappy fat people after WLS may continue to be unhappy -- even though they're skinnier.

And that's a big subject!

[lisa0617 54]

I already knew how my husband felt because he told me. I told him that i didn't want him to tell him. My brother in law told him that its in my mind. I am unhappy my body hurts. I want to lose weight. My problem isn't in the marriage. My husband isn't good with change and that may change if I go forward. I feel like my decision needs to be reevaluated and I am angry and I feel like now I don't even have my husband to talk to.

[SkinnyDown 409]

Some people feel threatened by WLS ...and by that I mean, if you lose weight, you may be in the other person's mind, much more attractive, and they have that much more reason to fear losing you after you lose a lot of weight.

I've been through this before with partners, after losing large amounts of weight, and that's an insecurity they have to fix, not you. But I would advise having some serious discussions on the topic, because it's pretty important stuff, and your husband might just need some reassurance, that you aren't going to become a supermodel and leave him.

Seriously, that's just how funny some people think. I think it's adorable, personally.

Our happiness should never have depended on how fat or skinny we are. If you're looking to outside sources for your happiness, you're looking in the wrong place.

That's an inside job. Inside you. If you want happiness it's there, for the taking, inside you, all the time, every day.

[jane13 2,256]

I had my husband go with me and ask questions when we met with the surgeon. He has been super supportive. He has made a few jokes about getting thinner and how men will start hitting on me and I make sure he knows that HE is who I want. he has loved me through THICK and THIN (I was thinner at one time).

He has actually dropped a few pounds on this journey with me.

[wannaBthinsoon 1,634]

My husband was exactly the same way! You are NOT alone! My husband talked behind my back to his mother, my mother, his sisters....his friends. He was told about every BAD thing that COULD happen, but nothing about all the GOOD things that would happen. I really think he was secretly hoping I'd decide against having the surgery all the way up until surgery day. But once I woke up, and I was my old ornery self, and nothing had changed, (still look the same, acted the same.....loved him the same) he became my cheerleader. He has started cooking!! He's trying new recipes and fixing them so I can eat it. (He is retired and I work fulltime). My advice is for you to do what is best for you. He will come around and support you, or he won't. If he won't it's his loss. Take care.

[sparkles1971 47]

Sounds like your husband is more afraid of you changing than you are. He likely feels a bit insecure with change and wondering if it will change your relationship. Just reassure him that you love him and want to live a long healthy life with him. You have to do what's best for you... Not anyone else.

[lisa0617 54]

Thank you for your responses. His brother's words keep circling in my head and my husband looks so hurt. I really want to do what is best for me but its so hard. I love him and would never want to hurt him. His brother didn't sayaanything bad. He loves his brother and is watching out for him.