Intimacy

[nume130 0]

Musicalmomma: I wrote this to another gal, who wrote me in private but I will use some of it here. You know I didn't want this to be a discussion about gay or not. BUT in saying that, I do appreciate your comments though and I thank you for sharing your own personal experiences. I just don't know what to believe right now. My faith about this whole issue is before God right now. I do know that he has never been unfaithful to me. I do know that he is very dedicated to God and wouldn't want to ever go back into the life style. Regarding did he make the full transition to heterosexual...I feel shaky... I'm not sure what I feel. I wish I could put in words what I feel, but then I would have to know how I feel so I could say it! I'm scared.

But I started this thread to talk about the results of lack of intamcy in marriage. There are lots of reasons why us ladies are not experiencing intamcy. Every one of us has a reason. They are all different, but we are all experiencing the same results. We lie awake at night, we cry, we feel lonely, shame and sadness etc. We miss the tenderness and comfort. We are all wanting. We will all come to our own conclusions about what is best. I wanted an anonymus place to just say my feelings out loud. Eventually I want to get up the courage then to say it to someone face to face and then I want the courage to change my situation. Every one has been wonderful to share and be supportive. Thanks! I agree with you lizrbit I dig it too.

[lepez 0]

Lepez, I agree Marriage is very complicated. Divorce is very frightening. It is very embarassing to talk about celibacy in marriage. So many things in life are hard to face. I never talk about it to anyone, until recently, I admitted it to a friend. She didn't understand. It affects us on so many levels, it is easier not to look, to just pretend everything is okay. What are you going to do?

Hello Nume130,

I unsubscribed to all of the threads because I went into the rant and rave section and was horified to find out that people really are annoyed if the thread changes directions. I guess that is why I never got a response in there. I am new to this and I don't need to feel like I am the blacksheep for responding to someones comments. Thank you for redirecting me to this area. I can't believe I opened up like that because I am embarrassed and ashamed . When I got married a short 7 years ago I weighed 156 and now I am 228 ( I can't believe i admitted that). The sex did not stop because of the weight but the weight is a result of my feeling so empty and alone. I am an outgoing person and have a lot of friends. I am funny and can always liven up a party BUT I am so lonely. Although I have a lot of "friends" I feel like I can't really talk to anyone. I have been waiting approval for the lap band and need to turn my life around. It sickens me to think about divorce but I can't live like this either. I don't want my son to grow up thinking that my marriage is a role model. Thank you for letting me express that.

[musicalmomma 1]

Musicalmomma: ...I'm scared.

But I started this thread to talk about the results of lack of intamcy in marriage. There are lots of reasons why us ladies are not experiencing intamcy. Every one of us has a reason. They are all different, but we are all experiencing the same results. We lie awake at night, we cry, we feel lonely, shame and sadness etc. We miss the tenderness and comfort. We are all wanting. We will all come to our own conclusions about what is best. I wanted an anonymus place to just say my feelings out loud. Eventually I want to get up the courage then to say it to someone face to face and then I want the courage to change my situation. Every one has been wonderful to share and be supportive. Thanks! I agree with you lizrbit I dig it too.

I'm sorry if I over-stepped in any way...or if you feel I took focus off the intimacy issue. It's hard for me to separate the 'reason' of lack of intimacy from just 'feeling' the lack. Does that make sense? From your posts, I feel certain that you're a strong woman of faith. Faith isn't faith, unless it's been tested and you still believe! I applaude you for keeping this before the Lord and applying your faith to this most difficult of situations.

OK...back to the topic at hand. I talked to DH about this thread last night. It's been since Christmas for us, and it was about monthly for the last year before that. I asked him, point blank, if my weight causes him to have less desire. He very candidly admitted that it's HIS weight that keeps him from "putting the moves" on me. He said he feels terribly ugly at 430 pounds and that he feels I "deserve better". Then he reminded me of when we did medifast a while back...after he dropped about 30 pounds, he was ALL OVER ME...ALL THE TIME! We had LOTS of sex, because his self confidence was returning and he felt physically better. He said "I really need to fit exercise into my day...I just feel better when I do." So for him, I know it's both a matter of feeling ugly AND out of shape. Not a good combination for intimacy!

Honestly, I haven't been that interested in sex myself, because I felt so terrible...emotionally and physically. Now that I'm dropping weight & exercising, I can feel my self confidence returning and physically feel better too. I know once he gets some weight off and gets active, we'll be like rabbits again.

Ya know, having little kids in the house can make it difficult too. I know we started to fool around a few times over the past few months, but got interrupted!

I'm glad you started this thread nume...It's been a comfort to me, not being alone in this situation

[green 6]

There are reasons, other than homosexuality, why men will have little sex interest in their partners. One reason could be depression and another might be that he is on medication, like I am, which interferes with his sex drive. There are also physical problems which men get which interfere with their ability to perform and then they become ashamed and don't want to talk about it. And men will develop psychological hang-ups, too, and be unable to face these issues. We women find it much easier to talk about things, to visit doctors, to do take steps to solve even the most embarassing of problems. That a man be a stud is a major part of every man's identity. I have read that the numbers of men who have problems in the sexual arena, especially as they age, is higher than one might think.

And for you who live in small towns your men may feel that it is impossible for them to the get help they might need: not enough anonymity and not any of the right kind of specialists. In my big city there is at least one men's clinic dedicated to sexual problems.

And then there are those guys who are having affairs and getting it from someone else.

[KariK 0]

I have to chime in on this thread. I've been married for 9 years, and dated my husband 4 years previous to our marriage. For the first 7 years we were together the sex was great. My husband wanted it 3 times a day, pretty much wore me out! He just could not get enough of wild, fun, sweet, and every other kind of sex. And then over night it was like someone turned a switch inside of him and then there was NOTHING. No more sex. It was like something just died in his eyes. I used to look at him and I could see his passion for me, and then one day it was just completely gone. For 5 years this went on. We'd have sex whenever I asked for it, he was physically functional and could physically satisfy me. But there was no mutual desire, it was all me. Id have to initiate everytime. Numerous times Id cry about it, beg him to tell me what Id done to turn him off. He would feel so bad but he had no explaination. He'd tell me that he still thought I was a beutiful woman, and that he desired noone else. But that he just had completely lost his sex drive. I didn't believe him and I'd tell him I didn't believe him. I figured it had to be because of my pregnancy and the stretch marks on my stomach and the extra 20-30 lbs I'd packed on. It was horrible to have such a phenominal sex life and have it just disappear. So anyways after 5 years of this he started having headaches and decided to go in and get checked. We found out he had a pituitary tumor. One in four ppl have a pituitary tumor they estimate (study was done at the mayo clinic). But of those, only a few are affected by it to the point where they have headaches and find out they have one. The first symptom of a tumor for a male.. you guessed it.. complete loss of libido. My husband is now being treated for his condition with hormone replacement and stuff. Within the next year he will have to have surgery to remove it. His sex drive is still not back to what it was, not even close. But it is easier to deal with now, I don't feel like its my fault anymore. It still sux though to not have what we used to. I hope it comes back someday.

I guess the one thing I want ppl to get out of this is, if your man just loses his sex drive suddenly, don't rule out a medical condition. I found out from my husbands team of doctors, and mostly his endocrynologist that a male losing their sex drive is often the first symptom of a serious problem. Get checked by an endocrynologist, its worth checking into.

[green 6]

Thanks, KariK, for your post. It may help a lot of people.

[enterprise01 0]

lepez - I avoid Rants & Raves, too. People get very ugly on there.

karik - Thanks for the reminder that there are physical causes as well as psychological ones that play a big part in sex drive.

Although I'm very happy in my relationship, I don't get sex as often as I'd like. Most often it's because of conflicting schedules and fatigue. However, my BF's libido is not as robust as mine. We only have intercourse about once a month and oral once a week. I'd like more intercourse (twice a week would be good), but he has ED, which I'm positive is from the nicotine gum that he refuses to give up. He hates taking Viagra because of the side effects (headaches and congestion). As someone with severe allergies and sinus problems, I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for that. I live every minute of every day feeling like my head is filled with lead, so I don't think it's a big deal for him to suffer with that for an hour or so. But sex is just not as important to him as it is to me. For a long time that bothered me and made me feel unwanted, but then I started looking at our relationship as a whole and realized I focusing too much on one small aspect. He is always affectionate, sweet, and kind to me. My happiness and comfort are important to him. He is always there for me, whether I have a flat tire or the cat is sick or if I just need a hug. Still, I wish he'd get his testosterone level checked because I believe it's low, which can cause decreased libido. Of course that may be one of those "be careful what you wish for" kind of things. Despite our mismatched sex drives, we do have a lot of intimacy. He's a big time cuddler and talks to me about everything.

I have to admit that as my weight increased, my sex drive decreased. I couldn't stand to look at myself and couldn't believe that my BF wasn't turned off by me. That's my issue, not his. In fact, he once told me that he didn't care how fat I got as long as he could still get his head between my legs. That's probably the best thing anyone has ever said to me.

[nume130 0]

Lepez: I have never been in the rants and raves section, but thanks for the heads up, who needs more nastiness in their lives, not me. This is actually the first time for me to be communicating on a forum like this. I didn't know the rules, or what threads were etc.

I know the results of not feeling loved and desired helped me pack on the weight. I think my love language is touch, or maybe I just think it is because I don't get touched often. My husband isn't touchy feely in any way and he doesn't like hugging etc. one second and then you get a sml push away. It has always been like this. So Karik I don't think it is a medical problem. (but thanks for sharing that with us) It may also be his personality as well, because he is so friendly and personable. My oldest daughter is very much like him. She's a social butterfly but isn't much on being hugged. My middle girl is the hugger in our family and I know she feels the loss of not being hugged by her dad.

I understand exactly how you feel about the embarrassment.

[babygrl1234 6]

I am glad to be able to read this thread and see the responses from the other side of the fence. I have a bit of the opposite problem than you guys do . My DH wants it all the time and I just don't. For him intimacy=sex. For me intimacy is much more than sex. It is being so close to someone that you can finish their sentences. It is being in the same room with them and even if you are not talking still feel perfectly content because you are in the presence of the person you love. It is doing the little things that really aren't a big deal but you know will make the other person smile. Sex is going to be less and less frequent as we get older and if that is all we have for intimacy what is that going to say about our relationship when we are 60,65,70? I never wanted to have sex. Now I am realizing a lot of that had to do with my weight as my libido is increasing. But at the same time I never realized what a damaging effect it had on him when I would turn him away. How he never really believed it was not his fault. How it made him feel like I was being distant and cold. Once we had "the talk" about it I started to understand how he, like many of you, was feeling. And even before I started losing weight I began to put out. I had no desire to do so but I knew that I had to be unselfish and do it for him. Because I love him. Because he was willing to stay with me even if we did not have sex for months and he was miserable.

[green 6]

Lepez: I have never been in the rants and raves section, but thanks for the heads up, who needs more nastiness in their lives, not me. This is actually the first time for me to be communicating on a forum like this. I didn't know the rules, or what threads were etc.

I know the results of not feeling loved and desired helped me pack on the weight. I think my love language is touch, or maybe I just think it is because I don't get touched often. My husband isn't touchy feely in any way and he doesn't like hugging etc. one second and then you get a sml push away. It has always been like this. So Karik I don't think it is a medical problem. (but thanks for sharing that with us) It may also be his personality as well, because he is so friendly and personable. My oldest daughter is very much like him. She's a social butterfly but isn't much on being hugged. My middle girl is the hugger in our family and I know she feels the loss of not being hugged by her dad.

I understand exactly how you feel about the embarrassment.

Nume, big congratulations for jumping in and posting! :clap2: It is quite a jump from being a reader to being a writer. And now I will confess that I am one of the regulars in the Rant & Raves section. It is true that this is a zone which is not for the faint of heart :girl_hug: but it is a very interesting area for some of us to spend time in. This is the area where we debate hot topics such as religion, politics, etc. As you can imagine, we do get into a number of intellectual brawls with each other and to those members who do not have a taste for this kind of debate life over there in R&R can look pretty ugly. The thing is that while members can be at each other's throats over one issue they will also be close to each other on a different thread. It is a weird and wild world over there but it ain't as bad as it looks.

On to other stuff: I have got to confess that I am not a hugger, either. Neither of my parents were physically warm, we were a formal family, and while I am a warm and charming person who does care about other people, I don't like to be touched. This is why I am very uncomfortable around small children and babies for little kids are naturally touchy-feely. (I never had any kids of my own, by the way.) Your eldest daughter sounds very much like me.

Now, my husband is the opposite, wouldn't you know! He loves to cuddle and so we do when we are watching TV together. This makes him very, very happy. Unfortunately the man also likes to sleep all knotted up with me and this freaks me out!:target: I end up by snarling at him and insisting that he move over to his corner of the bed. The poor guy! Opposites really do attract.:phanvan

[nume130 0]

Babygirl, well I guess we are just missing what we don't have right now. Yes as we do get older sex we expect that sex will be less frequent, but when you don't have it often when you are young.... well what can I say. Youre right though intimacy is WAY more then sex. Would we call it a lifestyle? or a marriage style? anyway, it does take 2 people serious about keeping love alive and validating each other. I don't think I'm validating my husband much anymore. It is amazing when I think of it, how easy it is give up or not to try. I'm glad to hear that you are really working at it.

[reqgoddess 0]

you know, it is a sign that something is wrong, (duh) but sometimes it isn't to see what it is. elationships are so hard. I have been where some of you have been (my husband actually counter sued me for divorce staing that I wouldn't ahve sex with him for 2.5 years (of course he didn't state it was because he made me feel like I could have been a chicken he was having sex with). I had decided that if i wasn't going to "make love" then i was NOT going to have sex. However, there are other things too. like antideppressants, age, stress, scared of what to do after you haven't done it in awhile, like failing your partner, afraid of not being able to finish what you start, etc. Boy, it certainly isn't the cinderella and prince charming story you thought it would be whern you were a kid huh? life is tough, even in a good marriage, there are so many stresses.

[annieM 2]

Thank you for starting this post. I never thought I would admit this but we will be married 20 years this fall but our sex life ended 17 years ago. I know my weight gain was directly related to my feelings of loneliness and emptiness and not wanting to be attractive (so my outside would match my insides). It's good to know that i'm not the only one on the planet with this problem, 'cause it sure seems like it from TV and movies! I know nothing will change if I lose weight. I do know it is very uncomfortable to get attention from other men now that I have dropped a bit of weight.

BTW, i'm a trekkie too (live long and prosper)

[lizrbit 0]

im doing well so far on the rediscovery.

have you tried sleeping naked? I know its much deeper than that...but thats how i started to approach that dark scary line...and it worked. sometimes we overthink a thing? I know i do.

sometimes..

just...

try going to sleep naked.

nothing has to happen..it just feels ...good.

if that doesnt work, come back to the board and we'll try something else.

[green 6]

sleeping naked sounds like great advice, lizrbit. You never know what might pop up. And it can help you get back in touch with your own skin.