love her to death, but really... i'm so tired of having to worry about her feelings when all i can think of is my impending surgery (in 2 or 3 weeks). SOMEHOW i hurt her feelings yesterday while discussing plans for my birthday this Friday. we're having dinner at her house (she is not cooking, i want pizza), and i invited some of my cousins, and she's upset because i don't know who is coming exactly and she didn't like the way i reacted to her being upset. i guess i may have sounded a bit short... but geez, i was at the office dealing with work. awww crap, now i feel like i should apologize, but seriously, i'm so tired of this. i wish i could just hide in a room by myself (well, with my cats) (ok, and my boyfriend) (but NOT my daughter and mother) until after surgery.

ok, i just sent her an email saying i'm sorry her feelings were hurt and that it was unintentional, without apologizing for what i said (i have no IDEA what set her off this time).

i'm still in the mood to rant and rave, but i've run out of topics. maybe i will go fire someone lol.

My mom passed away too soon, when she was not much older than I am now. She was 5'2" and weighed 320 pounds and suffered an abdominal aortic aneurysm. I know with my knower that if sleeve gastrectomies were available back then in 1992, she would have had one, and be supportive of mine.

However, she was a crazy-maker in so many "mom-ish" ways. I did not mind going to visit as an adult, but was glad to live far enough away that I could still have my privacy, but near enough that I could get there in a couple of hours if there was an important reason for me to be there. My grown daughters live within a hour from me, but I try not to interfere with their day-to-day affairs.

Yours is a good case of "the less she knows, the less she has to worry about". My mom had that policy with my grandma, so I guess what goes around comes around.

Lol oh man been there too many times somehow when we need aggravation and stress the least our "loved ones" know just the right buttons to push hang in let it roll off as much as possible hope the day improves for u!

To answer #9Grammy:

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I told many people about my bariatric surgery. The only negative response was from my mother. I think it is because my mom is dependent on me for care and she did not want anything to happen that might disturb my caregiving.

I told her that the only reason why I am having the surgery is because of her. I could see how her medical conditions (diabetes) which were driven by lack of exercise and food (sugar and carbs), caused such serious problems for her that I did not want to experience the same conditions a few years down the road.

I help my parents out a lot -all of the other sibs are out of state or not available - I have not heard anyone describe the way I anticipate my mom reacting better. " She did not want anything to happen that might disturb my caregiving.." That is exactly why I do not want to address the issue with my mom. My daughter and son in law have promised me they will run interference for me so I do not have to tell her. I dread the whole drama. As she has gotten older she has become increasingly more self focused and less willing to listen to the opinion of others. That said, I love her dearly but do get tired.

We are all doing this for better health and hopefully better quality of life and with that we can give better care to our aging parents my mother passed away from complications of diabetes brought on by eating too much bad food when she was only 10 years older than I am now I don't want to end up that way I know none of us do the last few years were horrible and didn't have to happen as they get older they can drive us nuts it's true I try to remember that I don't need or require anyone's approval or permission to improve my quality of life and just tune out the negative comments and arguments and just keep moving forward

I know it's this ever smaller circle of interest and inward looking that gets to me in watching my parents age. It's so hard to watch

I didn't tell my mom before surgery... I live a couple of thousand miles away and so it was easy to avoid the topic when we talk. I didn't know how she would react and really didn't care but I just didn't want her to worry. Once I told her, she was very happy -- she knows I struggle with my weight and she does with hers too. Now, when we talk, she just asks how much I've lost, how I'm feeling, what the doctor says... all the normal "care about you" stuff.

Funny -- she's very supportive of the surgery but very unhappy I'm in a new relationship. With a new body and improved confidence, what did she expect??? I was going to stay a nun? lol

Nun Ginger Snaps, has a ring to it. That is so funny. My mom is also a few thousand miles away, this is how I can get away with not telling her. Later we'll see.

This thread is making me feel better about how I feel about my mother -- she makes me crazy sometimes. And the aging is so narrowing, so for some one who wasn't a very expansive thinker in the first place and who was already self-absorbed -- boy oh boy. I love her but don't like her very much most of the time -- then she surprises me and I have those glimpses of another part of her that she seems to have lost along the way. It's fear-based living and I'm hoping that I will not be like that as I age. I want to be free from those worries that consume a person and make them petty and self-involved. Choosing WLS has helped free me from feelings of hopelessness and low self-esteem that would probably have contributed to that. Here's to healthy bodies that can help us think in healthy ways, too -- here's to expansive thinking and being inclusive, being open to life. I have a feeling that gratitude is a catalyst for the kind of grace and dignity that will bring peace in the elder years.

Oh my....we must be sisters! My mother acts the same way. She make EVERYTHING about her. She's always the victim. When I had my sleeve procedure, she didn't talk to me for a week after my surgery. She told my sister that she was so worried about me, that she had to shut off the entire world and be alone. Who the hell does that? I was going through the hardest thing by getting wl surgery and she is once again, making it allllllllll about her. It's been 4 weeks since my surgery and now she wants me to come over so she can make me split pea and ham soup. That's very nice of her but, hello I just had WLS. Do you have to make our visits all about food? I can for see the future now. I will go over there, eat a tiny bit of Soup, because I can only fit an ounce or two in my stomach at once time, and she get mad at me cause A: I either snapped at her or looked at her the wrong way, or B: she'll be pissed cause she made allllllll this food and I didn't even eat very much. It's a no win situation. But I want you to know, I feel your pain. Sorry, just had to take this opportunity to vent.

Wow,moms are demanding, critical, and never think their job of raising you is over. but the one thing I can promise you, she loves you more than anyone else will ever love you in this world.

For a few of us, our moms were children of the Great Depression, food= love.

Cut her some slack, take a silicon ice cube tray to dinner with you, or a muffin pan. Tell her it's the best soup ever and you would love to have some to eat as your new tummy will allow. I bet she will be happy to help you freeze up individual meals you can thaw out/ microwave on those late nights home from work.

@@Ginger Snaps. But why is she unhappy that you are in a relationship?

I have an idea about "food with mom" this works for pea soup or anything else

When visiting mom bring a 1/2 cup measuring cup and explain to her, after having weight loss surgery, your doctor said, it is very important to eat in portions that size every time you eat because everything is healing inside of you (not busting your stitches). Later you will be able to eat more (later, hopefully will never come)

The visual removes the:

1. "Have a bit more soup" suggestion that we all know is coming or "is that all you are going to eat?" to follow. She doesn't have to know that's all you eat 3 times per day. It is open ended in the sense there is the potential that you will have several more meals that size through out the day. We know you don't.

2. Tell mom her soup is delish and you would love to take some home to freeze for later. Tell her how her soup is the best thing ever and you are the luckiest person alive to have a mom who makes the best soup.

Good luck

Jessiquoi....

First off, where do you work? I don't wanna be in your way....lolol kidding....It is stressfull and trying to work and deal with our own stuff and our parents starts to ware on a person....When I started this whole journey I had a pretty lucid support person, Mom, and of course dad followed and so on... Now my Mom has the on set of Vascular Dimentia and it's like I'm talking to a 5yr old sometimes....But if your mom is still all good upstairs, set her down just the two of you and explain your concerns for yourself and for her and what the upset does to you especially when you're trying to work....It makes you wanna pull your hair out!!!! Your blood pressure and stress levels need to be normal for surgery or you won't get it...Maybe Mom can help de-stress things for you...Hell, give her a job to do....Have her help prepare for your post op recovery at home, food, books etc....Maybe she wants to be more a part of this with you than you realize...And she could be worried about losing you, if you have lost a dad, shes also lost a husband, she could be scared....ease her mind so things can be all Zen again....lolol

Good Luck

kim