Weddings & showers

[Wheetsin 714]

Here's a scenario a peer shared with me today. For various reasons, calling the future bride/groom for clarification is not an option. How would you handle the gift issue?

Groom is a family member you don't really know - haven't seen in 10+ years, and only knew on holidays before that. Bride is someone you've never met, nor even seen. Complete stranger. The first time you encoutnered her name was on the invitation.

On Monday you receive an invitation to their wedding, indicating where they are registered for gifts.

On Wednesday, you receive an invitation to a couple's shower (that Friday). No mention of where they are registered for gifts. Shower is being held at a "pizza Shoppe", so presumably would be a casual event.

Would you buy two gifts from the registry: one for the shower and one for the wedding?

Part B to the question above - let's say the cheapest gift on the registry is $80, and you don't have anyone you could split a gift with. Would you still buy two?

Would you buy the family member a shower gift for him, and avoid a couple gift as the bride is a stranger? (This question stems from bridal showers, where you might not go if you don't know the bride, and tend to get her gifts for her, versus gifts for them).

Would you buy a couples gift, aside from what's on the wedding regsitry? If so, what would typw of gift would you buy, and what would be an appropriate amount to spend?

Or smtg completey different?

[anonemouse 1]

To be honest, I wouldn't bother doing any of it. It seems like they just invited the person for a gift. I think that if I haven't seen a family member for 10 years, and it wasn't someone I was previously close to, I am excused from attending the wedding. But I hate weddings, so that's just me. If the person does insist on going to the wedding or shower, I think etiquette says that you only have to buy one gift. Either buy one for the shower or buy one for the wedding, but not both. Either way, though, use the provided registry. Or go with cash, since that's always popular.

[faithmd 14]

Hmmmm, I might be inclined to decline both invites. Why? Because A) It's tacky, tacky, tacky to include where you are reigstered for gifts in the wedding invitation. B)If I haven't seen him in years, and rarely before that, I wouldn't feel an obligation to go. C) This one is my clincher: If nothing is on the registry for under $80 then that again is rude. You have to provide all price points in your registry list unless you are absolutely certain EVERYONE on your invitation list is quite well-to-do.

Another option is to skip the shower (and save a gift) and attend the wedding with one gift (perfectly acceptable). Or attend the shower with a couple gift from the registry and take your camera to the wedding (this only works if you are a halfway acceptable photographer and can put together a decent album) and take lots of pictures yourself. Lots of candids are great, especially of kids and people dancing/talking/etc. Then you load them on snapfish.com (the best quality processing for the best price I have found) and order some prints. Make some B&W, some different sepia or pink tones, etc (all easy to do on SF.com) and then you make a wedding album for them. You can easily get it all put together in a couple of weeks and send it to them. They will LOVE it, it will be WAAAAY cheaper than a gift from the registry, it will give them photos liekly before they get theirs from the official photographer, and it is guaranteed to be one of the best gifts they receive. I have done this for the past four weddings I've gone to. Snapfish also has enlargements for a reasonable price, one of the weddings I attended, I just selected some very nice photos and had made into some 5x7's (less than $1 each) and some 8x10's (less than $3) and bought some beautiful frames and then wrapped them and gave that as a gift. Went over just as well.

Or give $50 cash

[Alexandra 55]

I was invited to a bridal shower for a perfect stranger once, and didn't feel the slightest bit obligated to do anything. In the OP scenario, my decision would be based on how close I was to the groom. Not having met the bride is no reason to sincerely give them heartfelt good wishes if the groom is someone I care about.

But I don't buy into gift-giving etiquette in general. I give gifts when I am moved to do so, not because of artificial rules of etiquette. And I'm not a big user of registries, unless I don't know the people well. A mere invitation to a shower is no reason to feel obligated to buy a gift if you don't intend to go.

In this case I'd probably blow off the shower altogether (I hate showers, in general), and go to the wedding, gift in hand.

[Sunta 4]

I'm pretty big on etiquette (even read Miss Manners and everything!!!), and here's what I'd do:

Since I don't know the bride, I would not attend the shower. I would, however, RSVP and let them know I would not be attending, not just blow it off completely. The person throwing the shower needs to know how many people will attend for food, seating, etc. Miss Manners says that if you don't attend the shower and aren't close to the bride, you are not obligated to send a gift.

I would probably attend the wedding if I had the day free and would be seeing other family members there. But I generally love weddings and socializing so I've never missed one.

I would bring a gift to the wedding from the registry, and I think $80 is a fine amount to spend, especially since I didn't spend any money on the shower.

If I did not attend the wedding, I would send a gift from the registry, or, if budget is a concern for this person, there is also the option of buying some beautiful crystal goblets or a vase. I always find these types of things on sale at Macy's or Boscov's for between $30-$50. Crystal is a beautiful gift and always in good taste.

So even if they don't attend the wedding, sending a gift is proper. It's easy nowadays as they can just go online and have it shipped right to the person's house from the registry and not have to worry about packing it up and all of that.

If they really don't want to send a registry gift and are not attending the wedding, a check for $50 is always appreciated.

[Josette 2]

About the Gift. If $80 is out of your budget for someone you haven't seen in 10 years, then I'd go to the site of the store they are registered with and have a gift card for whatever you find appropriate sent to them so then if there's something there that they really wanted but didn't get they can apply your giftcard towards purchasing it.

[Wheetsin 714]

Here's a little more of the information I have (this is not me, this is her):

She hasn't seen the cousin in so long because he has been overseas in the military. When he gets leave, he usually visits - but his parents are divorced so even his visits are split. They don't talk/exchange letters, but she says none of her family is this way, but it's very much the norm that people don't see each other for 5 years, then talk like they were best friends when they meet back up.

The $80 isn't out of her budget, but let's put it this way. She's looking at buying two gifts, one for the shower and one for the wedding. $80 was the cheapest, so of course it's taken. The average price of what's currently on the registry (she showed it to me at lunch) is about $185. Even then, not a financial consideration for her, jsut a matter of the principle.

Her's her latest emphasis: assume she's going to both events (she plans to). Since it's a couples shower but the bride is a total stranger, does she buy something for him? Or something for both of them?

[anonemouse 1]

Her's her latest emphasis: assume she's going to both events (she plans to). Since it's a couples shower but the bride is a total stranger, does she buy something for him? Or something for both of them?

I say give cash. Since the couple didn't bother to accomodate people with more limited income, I think that's a fine compromise between buying something that they might not like and spending a ton on something from the registry.

[Sunta 4]

Her's her latest emphasis: assume she's going to both events (she plans to). Since it's a couples shower but the bride is a total stranger, does she buy something for him? Or something for both of them?

Ok, so she plans on going to the shower. If she goes to the shower, she buys a shower gift for the bride. This could also be for "both" of them like something for the house. But she should not go to the shower and buy something just for him (he won't be there anyway) because that doesn't make any sense and will make the bride feel really left out. She should address the gift to the bride. It could be a household item, a kitchen item, or even lingerie. Those things are traditional for showers.

Since she's going to both events, she needs to buy two gifts. One for the shower and one for the wedding. But, she does not have to get gifts off the registry.

She can get some nice lovely crystal for the wedding as I mentioned above, or even some other household gift, or she can simply give a check of whatever she feels is appropriate.

The registry is for the guest's convenience, but gifts definitely do not have to come from the registry. Not at all.

If it were me I would get some gorgeous lingerie for the bride (from Macy's for like $30; you'd be amazed at the nice stuff they have), and some $50 vase for the wedding or a check.

[faithmd 14]

It's a couples shower, Sunta. He will be there (from what I gathered).

In that case, I'd buy a couples gift.

[Wheetsin 714]

Yes, it is a couple's shower and he will be there.

Something she expressed that I think is more the root of her reluctance than she does - it's a way to get two presents instead of one. (Ha! Someone who is as much a cynic as I!) She's feeling like, since she only knows him, the gift should be for him. Otherwise it's buying a gift for a total stranger.

My advice to her - buying something just for him makes it seem like she's intentionally excluding her, and how would she have felt of people did that to her at her shower? But also - that the gift doesn't have to come from the registry. I suggested she think of the most useful gadget she has in her kitchen, and buy that for them. Being practical is rarely wrong, right?

[Sunta 4]

It's a couples shower, Sunta. He will be there (from what I gathered)

Oooooooh! A couple's shower!!! OH I missed that!

That's a horse of a different color!

Ok, then yes, she should buy a couple's gift, and address it to both of them (do not get something "just for him" because it will make the bride feel left out and bad).

She can get them a household item but it does not have to be from the registry.

I recently found this awesome set of crystal martini glasses from Boscov's for $50! It was for my friend's wedding but I liked them so much I got a set for myself!

Champagne flutes are nice too.

Anything for the kitchen would be fine as well.

[faithmd 14]

I agree with your suggestion completely. Unfortunately if I chose that item, it would be my Kitchen Aid Professional stand mixer. Maybe I would buy some kitchen magnets shaped like stand mixers

[missy4gordon 0]

take your camera to the wedding (this only works if you are a halfway acceptable photographer and can put together a decent album) and take lots of pictures yourself. Lots of candids are great, especially of kids and people dancing/talking/etc. Then you load them on snapfish.com (the best quality processing for the best price I have found) and order some prints. Make some B&W, some different sepia or pink tones, etc (all easy to do on SF.com) and then you make a wedding album for them. You can easily get it all put together in a couple of weeks and send it to them. They will LOVE it, it will be WAAAAY cheaper than a gift from the registry, it will give them photos liekly before they get theirs from the official photographer, and it is guaranteed to be one of the best gifts they receive. I have done this for the past four weddings I've gone to. Snapfish also has enlargements for a reasonable price, one of the weddings I attended, I just selected some very nice photos and had made into some 5x7's (less than $1 each) and some 8x10's (less than $3) and bought some beautiful frames and then wrapped them and gave that as a gift. Went over just as well.

Wow, that is a great idea!! I totally have to remember this for the next wedding I go to, fantastic!

I know that is something I would LOVE to receive if I was the bride!

[Alexandra 55]

Couples shower means couples gifts. When I had a shower it was also a couples shower. That was done intentionally because I explicitly did NOT want lingerie or things that were for me alone. The party was to commemorate the creation of a family and household, not my deflowering and conversion into household help.

Some of our favorite gifts were: quality wooden windchimes; a carved birdhouse that had our last name painted on it; a great shower massage-type showerhead; throw blankets and floor pillows.