female only Marriage and Sex after the sleeve

[rnm1057 0]

So I need some advice I have been married for 4 years. We have had some difficult times in the past ( i had an affair with my ex) but have worked through them. I was sleeved on 4/15/14 and have gone from 323 to 295 in that time. My husband has been totally supportive during the whole process. I attempted to initiate sex tonight, but he totally shut me down. He said he is not comfortable with the changes he sees yet and needs time to get used to them. Any one else had this experience after surgery.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I started out at just over 300# and I had lost 50 before people really even noticed the change. Do you think he is uncomfortable with the physical changes already or something else?

I guess everyone knows this, but losing huge amounts of weight is a game changer in many relationships. In my case, the ending of my relationship actually wasn't about the weight loss. I thought the problems in our relationship were (at least partially) caused by my being so obese but turns out they had nothing to do with it so losing weight did not "fix" a dang thing. And then, i just couldn't take it anymore.

[woo woo 872]

Agree with CGJ. There's something else bugging him/making him not comfortable. He probably just doesn't want to say what it is for whatever reason.

Give it a little time, see what happens. Congrats on your losses so far

[BellaHugz 331]

Perhaps he is just feeling insecure of loosing you after all the weight loss. It is important to just talk with him and ask if it the physical changes or is there something you all need to talk about.

Edited May 17, 2014 by BellaHugz

[sapMegan 79]

I think it would be fair to say he is trying to protect himself. Affairs kick asses. Even if you have worked through everything, gone through therapy and such he is still going to have triggers that bring unbearable amounts of pain that he can't control. You losing weight could most definitely bring up the pain of the affair and his fear of you having another one is very real and possible all-consuming. He probably isn't feeling really safe right now. Just love him in all the other ways, he'll come to you when he's ready. Oh and be very transparent about everything you are doing so that his fears can be laid to rest through time and consistency.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

I will piggy back Bella and Megan and say all of this is likely a result of insecurity from your affair. Losing weight does mean we become more attractive physically to others. Other men will start noticing you, and perhaps he is seeing you're becoming more attractive.

My husband and I have been married going on 19 years and what has kept us together all of this time is communication. You MUST communicate with each other your needs, your concerns and how you're feeling about the relationship at all times, no matter how much the truth hurts. Do not let feelings fester because they start turning into resentment.

You need to have a one on one with your husband. Don't turn it into an argument and don't be defensive. If you love him, let him air his grievance and move forward together. You might need to comfort him and assure him that no matter what you will never do anything untrustworthy again if that is what the problem turns out to be. I'm only guessing, as are any of us - even yourself. That's why it's better to get it from the horse's mouth.

One last thing, make sure you are approaching him at a good time, no distractions - and do not talk to him if either of you are hungry. It sounds funny but it's the truth!

Edited May 16, 2014 by LilmissDiva Irene