i think my sleeve is making me hate my spouse

[abarta83 118]

..or.maybe I always did but just put up with his crap cuz I had lower self esteem?..I'm finding myself in a fight with him almost every weekend now because he wont work out with me as promised..or really any little thing that he probably didn't follow through with before surgery either but now its like damn..get it together.I know my worth now?..

[belunos 93]

Is it anything else, or just that he wont work out with you?

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Oh, honey...

You won't be the first to experience this and you certainly won't be the last.

Firstly - you're the one who had surgery, so if you want to go and run marathons, then that's your choice - not his. He might've promised to do it with you, but really, he shouldn't be forced to - if he doesn't want to.

Maybe do another activity together - ideally one he wants to partake in?

As for your growing impatience with him across the board and drawing a correlation between that and your weight loss?

Do you think you're worth more now - and he's worth less? Or you're worth more and he's stayed the same?

You need to ask yourself the question as to whether YOU believe YOU settled for less, because you were previously bigger?

Sadly, its all about your perception of the situation. If you love him, you'll bring him with you and discuss your feelings/frustrations. If you don't.. then its a whole different ball game of which you can only decide upon...

I wish you the best of luck x

[Recycled 2,182]

I had a post here, but it seem redundant and it wouldn't let me delete it, so I removed it. Carry on......

Edited February 9, 2014 by Recycled

[abarta83 118]

All good stuff to think about ..

[McButterpants 2,846]

Reverie is spot on...like always! :-)

I thought about this the other day...my husband is awesome, I love him to death. BUT, now that I'm losing weight, I look at him and he's unhealthy. OK, I know, I've been "getting healthy" for 10 minutes now and I'm judging him - that's wrong.

I want him to lose weight. Not because I find him unattractive, I want him to lose weight because I want him around for a long time. It bothers me when I am ready to go to the gym and he says he'll go later or do some weights at home. I think that bothers me because those were my excuses before surgery. I'm seeing me in him and I don't like it.

So after I thought about this for a while, I thought back to the 17 years we've been together and not once did this man say anything about my weight. I was gaining weight like I was going for some sort of record. He never voiced a concern about my weight or the fact that I checked out of our life together for about 8 years. I was there physically, but absent emotionally.

I have struggled with self esteem, but that was on me, not him. If your husband makes you feel bad about yourself, that's not right. If you feel bad about yourself because of some internal stuff you have, that's on you and you need to work on that.

[abarta83 118]

The thing is...my husband has a great build ..but I would say he's healthy..he smokes cigarettes and doesn't workout but still manages to look like a basketball athelete..its not for Me the actual working out with me that gets to ne it was before surgery him saying he would do whatever it took to support me..join the gym..give me money for my appointments...walk at the church track with me..so far non of which has transpired ..so yeah I do catch myself looking at him sideways sometimes when I leave for the gym alone or when I write a check to my surgeon ...makes me think like he would have said anything at that point to have a skinny woman..idk...that sounds nuts

[abarta83 118]

Of course some of it is directly related to me and how I used to not be outgoing and now I like to get out there and shop and be among people ..si it probly didn't bother me as much before because I hid in the house most of the time anyway..I'm feeling more confident and maybe my expectations of him shouldn't change..but they are...:-/

[McButterpants 2,846]

Your dynamic with your spouse could change - you relied on him for certain things and, quite frankly, he may have gotten a payoff from you being overweight.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

its not for Me the actual working out with me that gets to ne it was before surgery him saying he would do whatever it took to support me..j

so far non of which has transpired ..

so yeah I do catch myself looking at him sideways sometimes when I leave for the gym alone or when I write a check to my surgeon ...

makes me think like he would have said anything at that point to have a skinny woman..idk...that sounds nuts

Those are telling statements above. I hear you.

You think he made empty promises just to get a thinner you?

That his 'commitment' was just an ulterior motive?

Ultimately, this is all about your self-esteem - doubting his motives - mixed with a bit of resentment at the fact he doesn't have to exercise much and you're having to really work at the whole eating and exercising thing post surgery. It is tiring and it takes effort.

Ultimately, you have to ask yourself this one question; Did you do the surgery for him, or for yourself?

Its your body, its your health, its your life. It's your commitment.

If you think he only wanted a 'thinner' woman, then you have to question how long he had been with you prior to the surgery? How was your relationship then?

There's also the unfortunate thing with us women that we often put our partners into a situation with our questions and actions which leave them basically 'damned if they do and damned if they don't'.

If you're questioning his motives - you need to ask him and soothe your troubled mind. I'm sure he'll be very surprised by you voicing it.

If you're questioning his commitment to your surgery? Well, after all, it's your surgery and you're the one that has to show the most commitment to it. Apart from the exercise, he appears to have held-up on his side of the deal (albeit the easier aspects)

I'd say a large part of this is a reflection on how you feel about yourself. You're married to someone who has shared your life - big or small. Best ask him if your insecurities are founded. I would hazard a guess they're probably not and you're just a bit weighed down by all that is asked of you in the melee of post surgery craziness.

Hang in there, honey

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Of course some of it is directly related to me and how I used to not be outgoing and now I like to get out there and shop and be among people ..si it probly didn't bother me as much before because I hid in the house most of the time anyway..I'm feeling more confident and maybe my expectations of him shouldn't change..but they are...:-/

Change is not a bad thing. If you want to go out - go out! But back to my original statement; if you want him to actively partake in it and share experiences - you're probably going to have to find something that he's going to be interested in doing.

If i wanted to drag my man out shopping? He'd rather gouge his eyes out with a rusty spoon and resentfully loaf around until the 'misery' was over.

Suggest we go walking through the woods and attend some hunting, shooting, fishing display? He'd be bouncing at the door ready to go!

[DaddyMarie 291]

You can't make someone do something they don't want to do and you cannot change people. You may need to learn to pick your battles and accept the fact that he may not enjoy working out. I know he promised you and that is probably what is pissing you off. You guys just need to fun a common interest and run with that. You may be using him as your motivation to work out and have crated a dependency on him for your success.

[TheNewSleevedJulie 43]

I' find myself looking at what my husband eats and feel sad over it. He's a junk food junkie and I've actually made him hide his junk food BC if it's laying around I KNow I will go for it. (Damn you oreo cookies!!!). But he still buys crap and his closet is slowing becoming a mini dry food storage place. We went out to eat for the first time since I had surgery and he ordered a salad(which mind you I'd kill for right now). Potatoes twisters and this Mac and cheese Pasta with fried chicken tenders smothered in maple Syrup and I was like man. That's just not good for anyone. It's sad... We have other issues going on but I do notice I watch what he eats now and judge him for it and that's so wrong of me. I was that person also. Maybe worse

[Inactive Profile 104]

I have one rule in life, no games. I decided 9 years ago after being with a man that beat the living s*** out of me and called my fat everyday, that I would never be a person like that bc I knew my self worth was more. I am not under the impression your hubs does these things, I'm just saying it's good you know your worth now. Talk to him let him know how you feel and would like to be treated. 8 years ago I meet my hubby and when we meet I told him I would treat him with the same respect he gave me. And we are happy bc we do unto each other. I'm not sure if I'm really getting across what I'm trying to say lol, but trust me best thing I ever did was make the rule no more games for myself 9 years ago

Edited February 10, 2014 by DreamBig

[sassypants 674]

i'm not married but i don;t think its fair to him to hold him to anything he said and be mad at him.

he was supporting you and encouraging you which is what you wanted before the op to help with the fears you were thinking at the time.

now well life is different he is still him if he never did it before its pretty likely he really wasn;t going to do it or keep on doing it for very long after the op.

to be blunt if he was a lazy unhealthy person before hes not changed he just had good intention that hes too lazy to be bothered with now.

thats not to say hes trying to sabotage you in any way- unless he is?

he's being his normal every day self the man you have known and been with for years who has no problem with you changing if you want to, so why change him to suit yourself and your needs now if he doesn;t want too?

we all do need support but one person shouldn;t be all of it or the reason you do anything.

don;t resent him or anyone else in your life for not making change just because you did.